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Original poster

Hard working single mum struggles with dating unemployed man - advice please!

38 replies

turnedworm · 24/10/2011 19:04

Hi - this is my first post so please excuse my lack abbreviations!
Ive been in a relationship for over 3 years with a man who is not forthcoming about his work background. Hes currently not working except for some casual gardening work, and hasnt had a "proper" job since Ive known him. He stays with me as much as he possibly can...and he expects me to pay for all his food, drinks etc, his washing is done. He contributes nothing. If we go out hell pay himself in (because I wont!) then he hasnt any money for drinks so I have to pay. ditto friends birthday presents etc. Ive paid for all our breaks over the past year (only 2 weekends away, I cant afford more). I feel he could help out in lieu of staying with me for free - but he doesnt. He cant even cook. Ive decorating to be done, light bulbs that need changing, a lawn that needs mowing, hoovering etc all to be done. He does nothing, or the least he thinks he can get away with. Im so fed up right now with Christmas coming (last year was pretty awful for me) that !ve asked him to give me space- which he has - reluctantly. I gave him no choice. I work really hard and i look after my 2 lovely girls...but lately I feel resentful and guilty as whatever I spend on him, my girls dont get the benefit of, if that makes sense. They need so much and they are my priority. He thinks I should love him unconditionally and support him endlessly...but I dont. I want him to get off his a*se and get a job. I feel hes leeching off me and its gone on far too long. My respect for him has vanished as I cant see how he can have any pride when he takes so much from me and seems happy to do so, expects it, even.
None of our friends know the truth of our relationship.
Has anyone got a view on this please?

OP posts:
2cats2many · 24/10/2011 19:07

He;s taking the piss, and you know it.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 24/10/2011 19:08

I think the term is 'cocklodger'

Punkatheart · 24/10/2011 19:08

Read what you have just written. Then please get rid of him and live your life - for yourself. He is a parasite.

purplewerepidj · 24/10/2011 19:10

The term used on mumsnet is cocklodger, I believe. Of course he'd be upset to lose you - you're his second mum!

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 19:11

cock lodger

get shut

FabbyChic · 24/10/2011 19:18

Jesus H christ, I hve had two of these, one for ten years the kids dad, never worked a day when we were together, I worked full time whilst having given birth to two kids, paid for childcare, he had half of what was left after bills and food, when he had spent that he took what was left.

We had to borrow 50p for the electric when it ran out because he has gambled all the money away.

After ten years I got shot, and he got a job - go figure.

I had another one who never worked either, took half of what was left.

Never ever see someone who does not work sorry they take the piss, grind you down, bleed you dry.

Tell him that you are happy to see him but no longer finance him, and that you will not go out with him unless he pays his share, and that he cannot continue to sleep at yours whilst he does not contribute.

Honey, you don't need a man that much that you have to pay for it, because that is what you are doing.

GreenBlueRed · 24/10/2011 19:18

My view is that you will make the 'space' you have asked for as big and as permanent as possible, for yours and your daughters sakes. Why, oh why, would you want this to go on any longer? If this was a man in the future life of one of your girls, what advice would you give them? - follow it yourself, you are worth so much more than this!

nothaunted · 24/10/2011 19:26

Been there, done that and if it's easy they aren't going to change. Mine can't even afford to phone his DS on his own phone. He does it from the next woman he is sponging off. Get rid. Honestly, it's a revelation when you meet someone who can afford to pay his way and you don't have to do a double-take before you go out and think can I afford to pay for two.

tallwivghoulies · 24/10/2011 19:35

In my experience getting rid of a cocklodger is like giving up smoking - it's good for your health, good for your bank balance and the air around you smells a whole lot sweeter.

He's a nasty, useless habit that needs ditching. Do it today!

izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 19:42

Are you going to scrimp and save to give your dc a magical Christmas only to see him wearing a paper hat sprawled out on your sofa after stuffing himself with your food and drinking your drink despite having contributed absolutely zilch to the festivities - not even a sodding chipolata?

Your friends don't know the truth of your relationship? Make sure you remedy that when you tell your mates why you've told him, in time honoured mumsnet tradition, to fuck off to the far side of fuck - and when he gets there, fuck off some more.

Love him unconditionally and support him endlessly? Yeah, right. In his dreams. You've given it your best shot for 3 years and now it's time for him to find some other mug to subsidise his idle lifestyle or get off his lazy arse and start earning his keep.

Honey, you do NOT need men like this in your life - please make sure that the next one is employed before you even think about dating him.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 19:46

One words sums it all up:

Cocklodger.

He hasn't got a job because he doesn't need to, you are providing everything for him.

fiventhree · 24/10/2011 19:53

You really are being taken advantage of, sorry. It wont get any better than this. I'm very sorry to say I know someone whose son, aged 32, is very similar, and their family wonders how the women put up with it.

Why not rewrite your thread for yourself, imagining you were older and talking about your own daughters. What would you advise them?

On that subject, the harsh truth is that we teach our daughters to expect in life not what we advise them to expect, but what we put up with (not that I can talk, atm).

Original poster
turnedworm · 24/10/2011 19:54

He always knew I didnt see myself dating someone without a job and I feel he was deceptive from the outset - he had some money in the early days...it turns out that was an inheritance (Ive no idea how much) but he ran through it pretty quickly.
When hes not with me he gets free board and lodge somewhere else 70 miles away for about 2 days a week (married couple, 4 grown up sons) in exchange for doing their gardening and driving them when necessary. He seems to think he should be resting when he comes to me...and as he has to pay for fuel to get to me...which leaves him short of cash once hes here.
i can see the relationship has been going nowhere for some time ..though I`ve hoped he would just get a job but he got an ultmatum last christmas and he still has no work...of course he plans to get some...but its just not happening for him. am I surprised? not!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 19:57

how many christmases are you going to give him ?

madonnawhore · 24/10/2011 19:58
KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 20:01

It's all give and no take for you. You aren't getting much out of this relationship, it isn't like he is even contributing in non-financial ways either. He is not even trying to be an equal partner. You say yourself the relationship is going nowhere.
Don't make it about his lack of a job. make it about the fact that he is a lazy feckless cocklodger who expects to come and enjoy a free restful weekend at yours. He is a professional sponger by the sounds of it. Do you even enjoy spending time with him?

balia · 24/10/2011 20:03

Ditch, natch. Unless you are so well off you can afford this kind of exotic pet without leaving your girls worse off.

Then some counselling to work out why you have given this leech any of your time/money/energy?

Work on the self-esteem before you date again.

Has anyone said solid gold cock yet?

NonnoMum · 24/10/2011 20:06

Imagine if this was your daughter's post in a few years time.

You'd be FURIOUS with her for selling herself so short.

How did he romance you? Flowers? Dates? Meals out? Mow your lawn? Or did you just let him walk into your home and your purse?

nothaunted · 24/10/2011 20:08

Just shut the door and plan a lovely christmas with you and the dcs. 'When poverty walks in the door, love flies out the window'. It shows an utter lack of commitment to you. It may be hard to get a job at the moment, but he has also compromised your relationship with your friends because you couldn't tell them the truth. He might change, he might realise that you have to work in all sorts of senses at a relationship but he won't do it while he is being kept by you.

carernotasaint · 25/10/2011 00:44

Gosh are you dating my ex. When i met my cocklodger ex (love that word for it) he had lived in his flat for seven years and only owned a bed and a sofa and a tv and cd player yet was nine grand in debt and didnt even own a pair of scissors. He REFUSED to buy groceries and was tighter than a flys arshole.

MardyArsedMidlander · 25/10/2011 09:47

Why not just pay for an escort? At least then you can get some sex, without also having to cook meals, wash clothes etc etc.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 11:22

Definition of LOSER anyone?

You haven't been able to mention a single thing he DOES do. I assume the sex must be utterly awesome for you to have put up with this waste of space for 3 years?!

Squitten · 25/10/2011 12:03

So what are you waiting for OP? Someone to break up with him for you..?

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 25/10/2011 12:07

Give us his mobile number, we'll send him a pithy text for you

Pootles2010 · 25/10/2011 12:07

You do realise if he ever gets a job he'll do even less at home? Of course he'll never get one so thats not a problem...

The thing with the other couple sounds distinctly dodgy - are you sure thats not another gullible woman?

You sound far too nice for your own good - get rid, if only for your girls' sake if not for your own.

He doesn't respect you at all.