Hard working single mum struggles with dating unemployed man - advice please!

[turnedworm]

Hi - this is my first post so please excuse my lack abbreviations!
Ive been in a relationship for over 3 years with a man who is not forthcoming about his work background. Hes currently not working except for some casual gardening work, and hasnt had a "proper" job since Ive known him. He stays with me as much as he possibly can...and he expects me to pay for all his food, drinks etc, his washing is done. He contributes nothing. If we go out hell pay himself in (because I wont!) then he hasnt any money for drinks so I have to pay. ditto friends birthday presents etc. Ive paid for all our breaks over the past year (only 2 weekends away, I cant afford more). I feel he could help out in lieu of staying with me for free - but he doesnt. He cant even cook. Ive decorating to be done, light bulbs that need changing, a lawn that needs mowing, hoovering etc all to be done. He does nothing, or the least he thinks he can get away with. Im so fed up right now with Christmas coming (last year was pretty awful for me) that !ve asked him to give me space- which he has - reluctantly. I gave him no choice. I work really hard and i look after my 2 lovely girls...but lately I feel resentful and guilty as whatever I spend on him, my girls dont get the benefit of, if that makes sense. They need so much and they are my priority. He thinks I should love him unconditionally and support him endlessly...but I dont. I want him to get off his a*se and get a job. I feel hes leeching off me and its gone on far too long. My respect for him has vanished as I cant see how he can have any pride when he takes so much from me and seems happy to do so, expects it, even.
None of our friends know the truth of our relationship.
Has anyone got a view on this please?

I also had one of these.

Think of it this way...The more you provide for him, the less you are able to give your girls.

Is he worth more to you than they are? Every meal, beer, hot shower is money that could be spent on your far more deserving children. And if your dc's are anything like mine, they will honestly be happy to have him out of your lives. They must surely notice the strain.

Get rid today please.

Another one with experience of this type - take, take, take with an air of expectancy - it grinds you down and literally left me feeling empty in every sense, financially and emotionally.

You've done well to get him out OP I say make sure it stays that way, your lovely girls will thank you for it too.

1. I think it's pretty ignorant in the current economic climate to imagine that people can just 'get a job' as though they grew out of David Cameron's arse.

1. However not helping at all around the house is not on at all and he sounds like a wanker. You deserve better, even if you are a daft tory.

Well, that's offensive

"daft tory"

wtf has that got to do with anything ?

OP, you sound pretty sensible - how the hell did you get into this situation? And how has it persisted so long?

He will not change. He will sponge off you for as long as you allow it. And you are perfectly correct when you say "whatever I spend on him, my girls don`t get the benefit of". Write it on a piece of paper, put it in your purse so that you see it every time you go to pay for something.

Wibbly, have you never got involved with a man who gave every appearance of being financially safe, generous in fact - only to prove unsafe and seriously dodgy further down the line?

If not, you're lucky.

Is he gorgeous and a phenomenal shag? If he is, then ask yourself honestly whether you are happy to keep him as a kind of exotic pet, purely for the gorgeousness and the great sex?
If he's fugly and rubbish in bed then as soon as you've dumped him, promise yourself that you will remain single for a whole year while you work out your boundaries and your self esteem so you don't end up with another cocklodger/loser/abuser. Because there is nothing more damaging to a woman's wellbeing than the idea that she is nothing without a man in her life. Being single is great, and always better than lumbering yourself with a crap man just because he's there.

Get rid of him .... He is nothing but a drain on you, your money, decency, and sets a bad example to your dcs. Get rid before Xmas, and make this coming new year a fresh start.

Unconditional love and support is for children and pets. Human grown-ups know better. Love between adults is conditional; we choose whom to love and how much to support them.

Sounds like he's gone way beyond his reasonable entitlement from you. He's not treating you with respect, even if he says he is - he does more for the other couple than for you; how does that make sense? Shows you where his priorities are, I reckon.

Unless he swaps around - so he does your gardening, housework, DIY and childcare in exchange for board & lodging, and charges them for the petrol - then you are not his primary relationship and he contributes nothing to your family.

Sad, but obvious.

Make a list of all the jobs that you would like doing and present him with it and the timescale for completion of said list.

If he completes the list ditch him - he has sort of paid you back for three years of sponging.

If he doesn't complete the list ditch him.

Get rid.

'Unconditional love and support is for children and pets. Human grown-ups know better. Love between adults is conditional; we choose whom to love and how much to support them'.

That's very, very good advice. I'm going to make a note of that, garlicBreathZombie

Next time he goes out/away pack all his possessions in a black sack and put it outside. Then change all the locks. If you don't want to be there when he gets back go to a friend for a few days, he should be gone by then.