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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left my husband yesterday. What do I do next?

78 replies

gemmummy · 24/10/2011 07:51

Basically he has been having an affair for at least 8 months. I'm lost and don't know what I need to do. I am financially independent so that isn't a problem but I'm just in limbo. Please advise me.

OP posts:
UnDeadDolly · 24/10/2011 08:11

I'm so sorry. I have no advice but didn't want this to go un answered so am hoping someone useful comes along for you in a minute.

bushymcbush · 24/10/2011 08:14

Well done for being so strong so far.

Do you have children together? What are yours and their current living arrangements?

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 08:19

we have a ds aged 4. ds and i are at my mums til wednesday, that is the time limit i have set him to be out of the house. it is rented in my name (forces housing). We are both serving. he has been screwing a girl he works with. he spent our wedding anniversary in a hotel with her. he is begging me to forgive him

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countingto10 · 24/10/2011 08:23

So sorry you have joined this awful club - too many of us in it Sad. ATM you are in shock and should just surround yourself with rl support and help. Be very kind to yourself.

Try and get an appointment with a solicitor for some legal advice - you don't have to act on it but it gives you a feeling of control when everything is spiralling out of control. The general consensus is not to take any life changing decisions for at least 3 months, until the initial shock, anger etc has abated.

The book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass is very good and is the prescribed reading on here Wink. I found the website Beyondaffairs.com extremely helpful in the early days when I was craving advice and trying to make sense of everything.

Do you have any idea whether you want to repair the marriage yet ? I did and 2.5 yrs later have a much stronger marriage.

Remember too that this is not about you, it is about him, his selfishness, arrogance, self entitlement etc. You both have a responsibility to your marriage but only he is responsible for his affair.

Take care and be very gentle on yourself.

bushymcbush · 24/10/2011 08:25

Is he texting and calling you? Are you responding?

You are really vulnerable right now and if you are determined not to go back on your resolve then you should cut all communication with him about any subject other than practical arrangements to do with your ds and your house.

Keep your messages short and business like. Don't give away how much you're hurting right now or he will use this to try and worm his way back in.

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 08:31

he can't text me as yesterday i cut up his sim card and put his phone in a bowl of water. in my defence that is the only angry thing i have done. i have been suspicious for a few weeks, but on sun morning at 230am his bitch rang my house. i think it had come to the ultimatum stage of their sordid fucking affair. he answered the phone and told me it was a work related thing. (he'd been out on sat night, with his pals he told me, but he'd been with her. i know they had sex. then he came home and cuddled me in bed. utter knob.) anyway, i checked his phone on sun morning (womens intuition) and found texts saying i love you, i will tell her, i'm going to call your house (which she did) the bitch has even texted me saying she is sorry she can't help her feelings blah blah. i've spoken to her on the phone! he told her he had been to see a solicitor (then told her yesterday when i was listening that he had lied to her too because he hasn't) I am posted overseas next feb, he was supposed to be joining us in september after 6 months in afghanistan. he told her he was planning on leaving me when i went overseas.

he says he loves me and wants to fight for me. i hate him.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 24/10/2011 08:32

If he wants to repair the damage then the first thing he has to do is cut all contact with OW and I imagine that this sort of thing is frowned upon in the services - do his superiors know about it ? I think you will find that once word gets around the affair fantasy bubble will burst big time and the preverbial will hit the fan.

Not sure how you are feeling about him atm, but talk is very cheap and you will need to see some serious actions if he is to repair this Hmm.

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 08:33

i'm not sure i care enough about him now to bother reporting it, if that makes sense?

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countingto10 · 24/10/2011 08:40

TBH Gemmummy they tell the OW want they want to hear - your H sounds like he has a very weak character. My DH promised OW all sorts - he actually left me for her (as she scared him and put so much pressure on him Hmm, told me he was leaving for some space (yes I know I fell for it)).

If you can, try and step away from the drama of it all now, try and get some head space, tell him not to contact you for the timebeing. I know I was so angry that I couldn't bear any contact with my H.

And some OW are just so unbelievable - my H's one phoned me too, was absolutely vile to me, you would have thought he was her H and I was the OW Shock. In fact, H told me that was how she viewed me - as the OW.

There were two sayings that got me through, one day at a time and this too will pass Smile

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:05

i need to see someone don't i? i don't think i want to rescue this, too many lies. can't believe my life as i know it has gone.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 24/10/2011 10:13

Go to a solicitor and get some advice - it helps because it feels like you are taking control of the situation. Can you get any counselling with your job ? It helps to be able to process your feelings with a neutral party - our parents and friends aren't always the best in these situations (my Dsis was even more angry than me).

Don't expect too much from yourself atm - your feelings will swing from one extreme to another. You will probably be hit by an incredible wave of sadness soon, the anger enables you to sort things out etc.

I found a new hairdo and new clothes, helped me a lot in the first few days too - made me feel a lot better about myself when my self esteem was at rock bottom (OW was a minger - what was it about her ?????? (it was his issues))

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:22

we were supposed to be going on hols on friday with some friends. decided me and my ds will still go, fuck it, it's paid for after all!

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countingto10 · 24/10/2011 10:25

I think you are doing the right thing - he needs to feel the consequences of his actions, it sends a message to him that you will not curl up and die, life will continue very well without him Wink.

Have you told your friends yet ?

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 10:26

Get the families officer to remove him to barracks. He has NI rights to be in the house now.

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 10:26

*no

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:28

tiffany, he is getting a room in the mess, i have told him to be out by wednesday which is when i am going home. House is in my name anyway so I will just carry on paying as usual.

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Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:28

counting, i have just put on facebook that we are separated. easiest way, but not gone into any details. i want people to know so that he realises i am serious.

OP posts:
WardrobeYeti · 24/10/2011 10:29

Yes you should see someone. You are in a more unique situation then most what with you both being in forces and being posted abroad in the future- do you know of any resources or lawyers aimed at people in your situation? Maybe do some googling around and see what's about. There must be lawyers out there who specialise in military divorce and separation. I would go and see someone in the meantime anyway, since many lawyers offer a free half hour meeting. This must have been an awful shock and having been there myself I can really sympathise. It knocks everything out of you and you have to build your way back up. Are there counselling services available to you?

WardrobeYeti · 24/10/2011 10:30

(Btw I'm not in forces and know very little about it, so I'm offering suggestions from a not-in-the-know perspective. Sorry if any of it's a bit useless).

spendthrift · 24/10/2011 10:31

do the forces have some sort of counsellor you can talk to; are you in a place where you could get to a citizen's advice bureau? you're going to need to operate at several levels: the practical; the legal and the emotional. You may need to do things like freeze bank accounts, deal with credit cards etc. DS may need some help too at some point.

My heart goes out to you.

Becaroooo · 24/10/2011 10:31

Really sorry gemmummy

I can understand your anger....what an awful person he is.

Well done for being so strong!

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:31

yeti, i'm sure there will be support if i ask for it. my mum is doing a grand job so far but has pointed out to me i need to go and get checked out at a clinic. Bummer.

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GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 10:33

Contact csa, he will know you are serious then!

All utilities back into your name
Banks
Credit cards

You go through everything and remove his name.

Childcare?

countingto10 · 24/10/2011 10:36

I changed the answerphone message on the landline to from just me and deliberately left the answerphone to kick in when I knew he would be phoning - childish I know but sent a message to him.

Yes, unfortunately you do need to be checked for STDs Sad - twunt Angry

Original poster
gemmummy · 24/10/2011 10:36

tiffany, all utilities already in my name. no joint credit cards. 2 joint bank accounts but mainly for shopping and bills so easy to cancel. bit of savings. 2 cars. childcare is big problem. i work shifts and he works days. ds is at full time nursery but i am thinking of getting an au pair as well as although he says he will stay in house and look after ds whenever i am working, i am not sure i want that. thoughts?

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