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Original poster

I'm almost embarassed...

30 replies

sillyjealousgirl · 23/10/2011 21:32

to post this, but feel so bitter at the moment I just want to get it off my chest.

I'm average in every way.. career, finance, house, relationships, etc.. my brother is super-successful, in every way. He's ex-pat, I live 10 mins away from elderly mum, and do quite a bit to make her life more enjoyable, visits, lunches out, bunches of flowers, nice presents on special days, the usual daughterly things.

Here is where I sound like a pathetic 10 year old, Mum constantly extolls brother's virtues, how well he's done, how fabulous his house, career, family, yada yada yada (all true and I love him too)

When she skyped him at my house today, she signed off with 'Love you' but not once has she said well done to me, or 'I love you' (closest its been has been 'I love you both', meaning me and brother) and all through our Sunday lunch, at local pub/bistro, which I treated her to, though skint this close to payday, I got the full 'isn't he wonderful' , not even a thankyou when we dropped her home.

I'm both hurt and angry, but feel I shouldn't be.

Sorry its been long, better for venting.

OP posts:
acrunchieandacupoftea · 23/10/2011 21:36

But in reality, you and her must be much closer, and do a lot more together than your mum and your brother.

If you two meet up for visits and lunches out, she must really love you and feel very happy to be so close to you, and saying she loves him and is proud of him may be a way to try to make up for the distance.

What happens if you go away for a week or if you talk about plans to move/holiday abroad for a while? Does she say she would miss you?

SkinnedAlive · 23/10/2011 21:37

i don't think you are silly at all. I would be incredibly hurt and angry too. BTW I don't think you are at all average - you sound like a lovely careing person and there are really NOT many of those about.

I can't really comment on relationships with parents but I am sure you will get good advice [hsmile] and yes it is GOOD to rant and get it off your chest

textualhealing · 23/10/2011 21:39

But just how can you be average? You sound like a wonderful daughter and definitely not "average"! I do understand what it's like to have a slightly unappreciative mother - she lives here with me! I can't answer why your mum is like she is. I have two children and I can honestly say I love them both equally. I have different interests with both though.
You obviously have a lovely, thoughtful personality and I hope you don't change and hope your mum does!

Changing2011 · 23/10/2011 21:39

How old is your mum? In find old people (over seventies) in particular can grow very insensitive and oblivious. It could be that she doesn't realise your distress. Could you approach her to talk to her?

Other than that, I'd say she no longer appreciates you because you are always there... Perhaps a few weekends doing your own thing, pleasing yourselves and she might feel the difference? I'm not saying cut your mum off, still ring her etc but let her see how it feels without your lavish attention?

eandz · 23/10/2011 21:40

have you ever mentioned to her?

my step mother does the same. in fact, when I mention it to her, she just tells me how much more it means that her son has done it, but I think it's because he's such an idiot and anything he does is just beyond any comprehensible expectation. (obviously, my brother isn't the high achiever your brother is).

but look, if it makes you feel better, you wrote a wonderful post and it expresses your feelings clearly. do you really need her to show you she appreciates you? perhaps she just feels like you already know?

frutilla · 23/10/2011 21:41

YANBU, I would be pissed off too. Does your brother do anything to contribute emotionally or financially to all the time and money you are putting in to looking after your mum? Is there another family member you can confide in?

babyhammock · 23/10/2011 21:41

but not once has she said well done to me, or 'I love you' :(
I think you've every right to be hurt and angry. I just can't understand what makes parents act like this.

Oh and you've nothing to be embarassed about at all...it is rubbish. Just sorry you're not being loved/appreciated in the way you absolutely should be.
Hugs x

eandz · 23/10/2011 21:42

i am soo incoherent!

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 21:44

You are not being silly

I am not close to my own parents but we are to my DH's

for years, DH's brother was the golden boy who could do no wrong

he also has a chronic (but controllable, if you live your life sensibly, he doesn't) illness which seemed for a while to give him a free pass to be a bit shit

now PIL's are needing more and more support, the Golden Boy is noticeable by his abscence

my DH is not

for a while...it wasn't acknowledged but it didn't stop him being a brilliant son (DH)

just recently, things are changing, home truths are coming to roost, but it doesn't matter

OP just do what you gotta do, love

unless you only help for the glory of it (and why would you) it doesn't matter

hold your head up high

babyhammock · 23/10/2011 21:45

Also I think that when a parent acts like this they won't ever really get it. That is what they're doing and how crap it is.

bottlebank · 23/10/2011 21:46

Sounds like she takes you for granted.

My MIL's mother (GIL?) is like that. MIL is always there for her, rings her every day, takes her on days out, is always showing she cares. Her brother is not even very NICE to his mum and still all she ever talks about is how wonderful he is. I get quite cross when she does it as my own parents favour my sister and it's upsetting (I don't make as much effort with them as MIL does with her mum though).

How about you stop going above and beyond? See what happens? Could well be that she'll notice the lack of the 'normal daughterly things' (tbh I think what you describe is way more than most people I know do for their mums!), and appreciate you more?

Herecomesthesciencebint · 23/10/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sillyjealousgirl · 23/10/2011 21:52

crumbs, I'm weeping now.(in a good way, I'm really touched) Thankyou so much for these comments. I dont feel like I could say anything to her without it coming out whiney, and I dont want to ask her if she loves me, (it wont mean the same if I have to ask).

He doesn't contribute financially, not even to 'phone her, which is why she comes to my house to skype, she's in her 70's and can't afford to run up 'phone bills calling him.

Don't get me wrong, he is a nice man and I love him, but I'm suffering adult sibling rivalry

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 21:53

You are not BU

have a hug and a Wine

Bogeymanface · 23/10/2011 22:32

A "nice" man does not refuse to ring his mum, especially if he is so successful that he could clearly afford it. A nice man would not countenance his mother having to go to another persons house just to contact him.

It sounds like unrequited love. The more that someone you love doesnt want you then the more you chase them to make them want you. Your mum is doing that because her son never shows her he loves her so she is a) trying to convince herself that he is wonderful and does love her and b) chasing him in the hope that he will become the son she wants him to be.

She doesnt have to do that with you because the love and consideration is a given, even though it should be acknowledged and I am sorry for you that it isnt :(

ionysis · 24/10/2011 07:24

This is very very common. I have heard this so many times from friends. The child who looks after the parent is NEVER the golden child for some bizarre reason. The child who goes away is always the one who is lauded. It may well be as simple as the fact that a. she misses him and b. that because he isn't THERE she doesn't remember any of the negative things about him whereas your "faults" are right in front of her all the time. There is also the issue that she probably takes you for granted.

I have no idea why this should be so common but you are not alone. There are many angry and frustrated siblings out there feeling just like you.

LisasCat · 24/10/2011 10:34

Despite being an only child myself, I've seen this happen with lots of friends, and my observation has often been that the mother actually does know which child is the more caring, and has grown into the better person. But the pain they feel about the other child - the one who's just buggered off to the other side of the world, or the one who never bothers to call, or the one who is always getting themself into trouble and coming for a bail out - hurts them or makes them feel guilty for the role they may have played in enabling their child to grow into such a useless adult. So they hide that pain and hurt by always wittering on about how great that child is. By saying he's so successful/busy/popular/etc it can disguise the fact that 'the golden child' can't be arsed to pick up the phone and call their mother.

In other words, this extolling of your brother's virtues may actually be your mum's smoke screen to shield herself from acknowledging that he's a git who doesn't seem to care about her. Underneath she probably knows how wonderful you are to her, but to acknowledge that, and thank you for it, just draws her attention to the complete opposite she gets from your brother.

IloveJudgeJudy · 24/10/2011 13:19

Lisascat - very wise words. I, too, have seen this, both in DH's and my family. I have one DB who lives furthest away and he is the one who is lauded, as are his DC. DH's bro used not to do anything, he has changed now, thank goodness, but he used to be the one who was lauded if he ever telephoned, because he didn't used to, or visited, because he never used to. As I said, that has changed and DH's mother bitches about each of her DC to the other. Now, they've realised this and don't rise to it.

Also, my DM has never, ever said "I love you" to any of her DC. Neither has DH's. I think it's mostly their generation. DH and I said "I love you" to each other and the DC at least once per day.

HellonHeels · 24/10/2011 13:27

My mum had this from her mother - two of my mum's three brothers never went near my Nana from one month to the next. My mum visited all the time, called every day, did shopping, took her to hospital and dentist appointments - and was rewarded with hearing constantly about how wonderful her brothers were.

Sadly I think it is not an uncommon scenario and agree with some of the posters above that your mum might be engaging in some kind of cover up of her feelings about how your brother behaves.

You sound like a very caring daughter and that is in no way average.

MangoMonster · 24/10/2011 13:38

Agree with hellonheels. Don't blame you being upset, parents can be strange though. I'm sure deep down she knows how wonderful you are. Maybe she feels bad as shed quite dependent on you and doesn't want to draw attention to it. Elderly parents do have their eccentricities. My dad rarely says thanks etc. Glad posting has helped you feel better.

paddypoopants · 24/10/2011 13:42

My ils do this with dh and his sister. According to them sil is wonderful, fantastic, brilliant, beautiful and can do no wrong. Dh is just there to do all the boring stuff. Either they don't notice she treats them like shit or they don't want to acknowledge it. It is just so not fair and there is little you can do to change it- however since dh has started pointing out every time his sister behaves badly towards us a little of the shine has worn off.

It is very easy for those living far away from elderly parents just to forget about them completely and totally ignore the fact they have a duty to them despite the distance especially if they have a sibling closer by.

As your Mum gets older and her needs become more pressing your feeling of resentment will grow- better to sort it out now.

TheFidgetySheep · 24/10/2011 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 24/10/2011 14:02

My late, lovely, MIL always did this too. SIL is a saint and did everything for her, and got little credit for it. DH and I did practically nothing for her but DH was always the apple of her eye.

Teetik · 24/10/2011 14:13

I think this is really common. I used to get my brother's achievements laid out in detail, and it really hurt, because I was doing professional training and living abroad and getting great jobs that I was really proud of. Did anyone care if I tried to tell them about it? No. So I just stopped. We're not a close family.

Where it riles me now is that MIL talks to me a LOT about BIL and SIL. It's like they meet her ideal: the right jobs, the right flat in the right area, decorated just so, the right holidays, the right wedding etc. I know I'm being sensitive because of my own experience. I want to ask her, next time, if she discusses our life in such detail with them, but of course I can't.

Anyway you sound like a good daughter, and it's usually true that the one that's there gets less of the attention. It hurts because sibling rivalry lasts.

Teetik · 24/10/2011 14:14

I think from the opposite side it's also possible for your brother to go away and do so little for her, precisely because he is totally sure of his mother's love.