So in a nutshell.

[Imastupidbloodymug]

My relationship. Sex every 3rd day. All his needs met. None of mine. 3 days is his timetable it seems.

When something goes wrong. I'm the verbal punch bag. Never his friends or colleagues, never infront of the kids. It's always him on me.

He's always sorry and loves me to bits.

We've just had words about the house. He pinned me down and snatched my netbook. Acussing me of being upto no good. Says the guy who upon returning from a work break. Has hidden show tickets stuffed in his pockets.

I told him not to touch me. He kept pushing me out of the door. Calling me a slut. Told me to shut my fucking mouth or he'd do it for me.

Phoned my family. Who told me to stay away. Until he calms down then talk and work it out together.

He has apologised, begged forgiveness, usual rubbish.

I'm going to see a solicitor tomorrow, and get rid of him out of my life..... I actually hate him. So why are my family expecting me to work it out.

That is more than just being a verbal punchbag. He is physically shoving and pushing you.

Listen to your instincts, not your family (who dont live with this violence), and go to see your solicitor.

Where are you now? Where is he now?

I went to a friends. Came back. He'd calmed down. Is sat downstairs. As if all is normal.

Apologised, talked about buying the house. As if it never happened. Begging for forgiveness. I'll pretend for now.

Keep up the pretence for now, but dont let him fool you. Be strong. :)

I am. I came here to stay strong in b&w. As I feel my family have let me down.

This is completely out of order. No good man pushes, shoves, name calls, makes wild accusations. He sounds deeply insecure, unstable and bullying.

You are being incredibly strong and I really think you are dong the right thing in getting away from a man who treats you like this. Do you have a close friend you can lean on for support for a bit?

The family could be hoping against hope that you have over-exaggerated what happened either because they just can't wrap their heads around you being so hideously abused or because they feel embarrassed and don't want anyone to know what's happening to you. Perhaps some of them have experienced a similar situation personally and almost feel if they had to "put up with it," then you should, too. Whatever the reason, they aren't thinking of what you need or want, even if they try and make out they do. It's important to stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't let their words get to you.

It is very, very common for someone to either act as though nothing has happened or be overly chummy and lovey dovey after an abusive incident like this. They are frantically back peddling to make up for lost ground and are trying to make you "forget" what happened, or make out like it wasn't really such a big deal. It's fake. It's deliberate. Yes, go along with it for now because it will be help in the long run (i.e. he won't suspect you are planning to leave him/get him to leave.) Tomorrow, see that solicitor, do what you have to do, keep yourself safe.

Forgive me if this is very naive, but what would happen if you said no to sex every 3rd day?

He'd keep pestering and poking around. Until I just say yes.

Oh dear.

Unfortunately a lot of families (a lot of people) still think that domestic abuse is no big deal, that you 'must have provoked him', that relationships need to be 'worked on' (translates as 'Women! Eat shit and smile!). Because a lot of people really do think that women exist to please and service men, and that a woman who is not owned by a man is Wrong.
Ignore your family and get rid of this miserable bullying prick. No one can make you stay with him and you will get support from other people (here on MN and from Women's Aid if necessary).

Your family just don't get it yet. Give them time. You come across as admirably strong, OP

You'll be fine - you know it.

Agree with SGB, but also add the wee nugget that many families think that DV is a low class issue, and it's not people of our level that suffer it

Love, you are right, you are doing the right thing, really you are. If they are not with you, they are against you.

You need RL support, you will get it in spades from decent professionals like those in WA, and you will get us here on MN to hold hands whenever you need to.

pop by on the EA support thread, we're on our 5th now, shortly to be 6th... no need to read back, just come over and ask, sound out, rant, vent, whatever.

Can't get in today. Next week earliest. Going to have to pretend for longer :( what's really messed up is he does really think he loves me. He thinks this is love and this is how you treat your wife?

What happened to the nice man I met, who was against bad treatment of women. The man that charms everyone. Why is he so horrible to me all the time. Why does he carry on as if nothing has happened. All the time.

Because deep down he hates himself but can't face it. Because you're the target on which he vomits up his horrid inner emotions because he doesn't have the capacity to handle them himself in an adult way. Because he feels entitled to treat you that way. Because he sees you as a role (sex receptacle, source of comfort), rather than as a person in your own right.

You will no doubt research the hell into abuse and understand a lot about him and any other abusers in your life by the end of it.

But the most important person you should be focusing on is yourself, not him. YOU are a valuable, beautiful, strong, and important person. You do not deserve the treatment he hands out to you. I am so glad you are getting out. You are smart and doing the right thing. Keep talking to us.

What kind of help do you need, both in RL and on here?

Iamabloodystupidmug - it's hard to accept that your H IS 'nice/charming' to everyone. That's what makes you question whether it really is your fault. I did, part of me still does think that.

It's good it has registered with you that when he behaves like this, he does, immediately start behaving as if 'nothing' happened.

Have you been together long? Can you remember the first time there was a 'little push' or something similar?

I'm sorry your family are taking this attitude. You know the truth of what goes on behind closed doors.

btw, OP, please don't insult yourself the way you are doing with your username . You get enough of that from him, don't you?

Stay strong, make a plan then get out. Make sure you and the kids have a happy life without this twat.

Yes. First time. 6months in. He pushed my head out of the way, so he could see a junction clearer.I put it down to driving nerves a mistake.

He has been aggressive towards me for sometime. I have been in denial in reality.

I sound strong. I'm not. I know this has to end. I reached out to my family for some further understanding and got rejected. Well hardly surprising. I was abused as a child which all got swept away.

I do hate him but also love him. It makes me sad he can be such a nice, caring, loving person. To everyone but me. I wanted him to be that person with me. 1 person 2 personalities. How?

It makes me sad he can be such a nice, caring, loving person. To everyone but me. I wanted him to be that person with me. 1 person 2 personalities. How?

There's a whole book about that, highly recommended: Why does he do that?

And I'm really sorry about your family, OP. I'm not at all surprised to hear you were abused as a child, and are now in an abusive relationship as a an adult.

But you ARE strong. Here's how I know: you say you know this has to end. That's strength. It's the hardest thing to do, especially for someone with your past who has known no other treatment, yet you are calling it what it is, and you know that you have to get out. You are strong, OP. Incredibly strong.

I am so sorry that your family are letting you down so badly. It does appear may people would rather women stay in awful situations than admit they are living in violence and fear

Your husband sounds absolutely awful, and beyong redeemable, I am afraid. His sexual abuse of you takes my breath away, tbh.

Don't listen to his crocodile tears and pretty words designed to get you back in line.

If you fall back into line, and accept this threatment, you lose ground every time. Imagine how low you will be in a couple of years time ? A battered wife, I would hazard a pretty good guess.

Sorry for the typos

Just wanted you to know he sounds just like my husband ,have a read of my thread see if it rings any bells can't do links but it's called is this is what marriage is like?
Only mine doesn't say sorry any more , i'm having counselling and making plans to leave hope you do the same.

Sadly I am not surprised either that you were abused as a child: I thought from what you said about your family's reaction to current abuse that either a family member is an abuser or your parents never want to hear or believe anything bad is happening.

OP. Stay strong, you know the realities of what you have been living with.

When I was splitting from xh and reached out to my mum she kept saying "well you married him" or "you made your bed". She also kept insisting that we worked it out, to the point that she insisted he came on a family holiday after we'd split up and kept giving us time "to talk" refusing to accept that there was nothing that could be said-it wasn't a few arguments or petty difficulties, it was abuse. My friends, and mn, were much more supportive.

It is hard because you feel like you need support from your family to go through something like this but you can do it without them, I'm just sorry that they aren't there for you.