So in a nutshell.

[Imastupidbloodymug]

My relationship. Sex every 3rd day. All his needs met. None of mine. 3 days is his timetable it seems.

When something goes wrong. I'm the verbal punch bag. Never his friends or colleagues, never infront of the kids. It's always him on me.

He's always sorry and loves me to bits.

We've just had words about the house. He pinned me down and snatched my netbook. Acussing me of being upto no good. Says the guy who upon returning from a work break. Has hidden show tickets stuffed in his pockets.

I told him not to touch me. He kept pushing me out of the door. Calling me a slut. Told me to shut my fucking mouth or he'd do it for me.

Phoned my family. Who told me to stay away. Until he calms down then talk and work it out together.

He has apologised, begged forgiveness, usual rubbish.

I'm going to see a solicitor tomorrow, and get rid of him out of my life..... I actually hate him. So why are my family expecting me to work it out.

Whenever I phoned my mum to talk about being unhappy in my marriage(s), she'd listen a lot but always came back to versions of "You must have set him off ... Do this and that differently". She always asked if he said he loved me (out of bed; apparently this is important!) When I said yes, she redoubled her efforts to help me be more conciliatory/compliant.

On the two occasions I phoned my father for advice, he gave me much stronger guidance along the lines that you'd find on these threads. My father was a violent abuser.

I have since established - with her - that my mother really believes any man is better than no man, a man feeling love is the best you can hope for, and that she honestly thinks I'm a rotten catch who should be out looking for any bloke who'll settle for me

My father knew he was abusive, could have written Bancroft's book, and continued to abuse because he got away with it.

I've told you this to show how our birth family's emotional dynamics become embedded in our own psyche, such that we unconsciously go on to repeat those patterns. People who repeat patterns, without questioning them thoroughly, are literally unable to grasp any other way of looking at things - like my mum and, perhaps, like yours.

I'm sorry it is unrealistic to look for support from your parents :( It hurts. I'm sorry, too, that you've been living with such a horrible man. I am DELIGHTED you've got out of it!

Please keep posting. Manywomen here know what you're going through, have been there themselves and will offer sterling support :)

Garlicbreathzombie-can't believe i'm typing that haha!
Ive read your post and i think your right , my dad used to hit my mum and look how my marriage has ended up.
My mum would tell me to stay if i told her and i always wondered what my dad would say if i told him ,i always presumed he'd think it was ok too after what he did to my mum so your dads advice suprised me.

Glad my name raised a chuckle!

Not sure all abusers would be the same, tbh - there can be little doubt my dad was full-blown psychopath - but it's interesting to read what perp programme moderators (like Lundy Bancroft) say about abusers being well aware of what they're doing and swapping tips. Might be worth a bit of a talk with your dad, but also worth waiting until the drama's subsided. You know him best, though, I can't presume to second-guess your father!

I'm really pleased you see the parallel between your mum's choices and your own (up to now.) That's a huge step towards getting free of the whole crappy pattern! I hope you're being very kind to yourself, and surrounding yourself with warm support :) x

'It makes me sad he can be such a nice, caring, loving person. To everyone but me. I wanted him to be that person with me. 1 person 2 personalities. How?'

OP, the nice person isn't real. It's just a public face he puts on so that people will like and accept him. The real person is the one you see behind closed doors when the mask is off: the nasty, abusive person he really is.

I need some advice on where to go and who to phone. I'm able to go.

He attacked me last night. Pushed me down the stairs, my head into the wall, pulled me around by my hair, threw me into stuff.

I stupidly, stupidly, threatened him back if he didn't get off me and he said big mistake bitch and threw me down the stairs. I'm ok.

But he scratched himself, it wasn't me, I couldn't even try and fight him off. So he said if I phone the police he will say I did it, I'm the psycho and they will take the kids away. So I can't do that..

I have nobody to ask for help. I asked my family to come and get me. They said we need to work it out. Get help and I need to stop winding him up. I just want to go.

God that's horrible OP. Awful.

I would still call the police: why should you hide the truth? But you do what works best for you.

He is violent, though. Dangerously so. Please call and get advice from the experts:

Women's Aid : 0808 2000 247
National Centre for Domestic Violence : 0844 8044 999

Would you be willing to take yourself and DC to a refuge after last night?

Yes pumpkin I would. I'm going to phone them both now.

Phone Woman's Aid now
(assumes you are in UK). I'd also call the police and see GP/Walk-in centre as an emergency appointment to get your injuries documented.

Grab passports, bank cards, birth certs, children and go. B&B, friends, family, Refuge, anywhere that you feel safe and he can't get to you.

The police are far more likely to believe your story then his BTW. He is just using the "you're a psycho" line to prevent you leaving or accessing help.

Good bloody god. You must phone the police and contact Women's QAid. Now. You cannot let him back into the house. You must press charges. Forget your family - they will be no help.

Of course he won't be able to have the dc taken away any more than he will be able to convince anybody that you hit punched and threw yourself down the stairs.

Take pictures of any injuries. There are others on here who have been through this and might have better advice than me.

Where is he now? If he is out, lock the doors, do not talk to him and call the police.
You poor poor love. ((hugs))

That's great OP. You are proving again that you are not living up to your username. Getting yourself and your babies out of a violent environment is a brave and wonderful thing to do. WA and NCDV will be able to advise you on next steps and accessing a refuge.

I wish you all the very very best.

Don't let him get away with assaulting you. He will do it again, and if he gets away with it, he may well go on to deny he ever did it.

You will be subjected to more physical assaults in the future similar (or worse) than that.

I know how you feel, been there - you tried to threaten him back and stand up to him - but, as you found out, he'll literally wipe the floor with you.

I hope you doing well with getting support now.

Don't let him treat you like a RAG DOLL again.

Thankyou. He is out. I have lots of time. Door locked. On hold. Going to get essential bits together.

Police, I'll think about. He said he will blame me. I did not do anything. He said he did not actually hit me so he did nothing wrong. I wound him up. For now I just need to get out and have someone like women's aid to ask.

There you go, OP - he is denying he did anything.

Oh OP - get out, get out, get out!! Run lady!

Have a massive hug from me - your posts are bringing tears to my eyes. You have not caused this, you have not wound him up, you do not deserve this.

Please go.

I am going still on hold. I feel really sick. I loved him so much I do not understand why he thought I was cheating and had to hurt me.

He is not sorry I know that. First he denied it all. Then it was sorry, but if you did not do this etc.

I will be going today. So am getting stuff together. It still hurts so much.

If you do report this, let him say what he wants to the police; you can't stop him. But what you can do is stand up for yourself and for what you know is true and right.

Abusive men are less likely to be violent once the police are involved. Like all bullies, they are cowards at heart. He has no respect for you, but he does care about his image outside the home. He will never repent or recognise his responsibility for his own actions, most likely, but that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What does matter is your safety, and your DC's safety.

Involving the help of GPs, WA, police, NCDV, solicitors, and any other source of support you may need is the road to getting you that safety. Ask for help from those that can give it. Your family is not to be counted in that number, apparently, but there are plenty of other sources of valuable help for you.

I feel really sick. I loved him so much I do not understand

Yes, it hurts. He chose to respond to your love with violence. Of course that seems incomprehensible.

But you will be able to understand and accept it, in time. And your life will get better now that you are taking action to leave his destructive behaviour behind.

((hugs))

OP - well done for outing him. Bullies who beat up women are cowards and do not like it to be 'public' and for the secrecy to end.

I didn't want to read and not offer some support. Sorry I have nothing to add to the excellent advice you have been given but please if you are able come back to let us know you are okay.

I only discovered mn a few weeks ago. I can't believe how horrible life is for so many people. I am so sorry you are going through this; please let us know you are safe.

Stay strong OP.

DO NOT listen to any of his pathetic apologies - even if he is crawling on his hands and knees. What happened last night where he scratched himself proves how manipulative he can be. He is messing with your mind and you need to be free so you can think straight.

Get out and stay safe.

(hugs)

Oh my goodness. I hope you have gotten out.
Good luck to you.
Get away so your kids don't witness all of this.
You poor thing x

i hope you're ok OP.

hope you are ok op xx

OMG ..... think of you 1st and listen to your instincts. i grew up with abusing father that thought was OK to mentally/verbally/violence abuse my mum for nearly 16yrs .... like you said once the storm blew over things appeared normal, as a child i didn't knw how to avoid him to trigger his outrage to towards my mum. in his 'credit' he never abuse me or my sister in anyway ... all his rage was directed to my mum.
in the end my mum has left him ....and things looked up for us without him, think of your mental well being, you can not live with an abusive partner.
as a result of my earlier experience i have vowed to my self that i will never be in a controlling or abuse relationship of any sort .... glad that i kept that my promise to myself.

take your time and seek best solutions for you without taking into account your family's views...they don't hv to live with him, you do!
good luck and hope that things work out for you.