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Original poster

shall I give up now?

28 replies

thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 11:37

namechanged for this one.

I've been with my DP for nearly 4 years. He is a lot younger than me (i'm 40 and he is 25) I know it sounds a bit cliche, but he is the best man I have ever met. He works hard, makes me laugh like I never have and is everything I really want in a man. kind, loyal and always there for me. I was with my horrible abusive ex for many years and finally got away from him - I truly believe I've found my soulmate.

He moved in with me and my dd (six) two years ago and we began trying for a baby a year ago..(he has no children). without success :(

Anyway my G.P has sent us both for tests and he is fine...but I am not. last week The hospital said it's unlikely I will conceive naturally and I am too old for IVF on the nhs - we could never afford to go private.

Now I am wondering whether I can stay with him knowing that I cannot give him a child of his own....he really wants children but has said it doesn't matter and he just wants to be with me - but am I being fair on him?

I don't want to get 5 or 10 years down the line and he buggers off to look for someone who can give him a child. This has kept me awake for the last week...it's stupid I know but I keep crying. everything was so perfect and I finally thought I had found happiness..I love him so much.

what would you do? Is it really possible for a man who so badly wants children to give that up for me? Will he resent me in the future?

tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 11:48

bump

OP posts:
cecilyparsley · 23/10/2011 12:00

thinking, if he says it doesnt matter and he just wants to be with you why not just believe him?
He was probably aware that the chances of having a child with a woman who is 40 are slimmer than with someone younger, he must have weighed this all up at some level, what I mean is does he really want children that badly?

Of course he may change his mind @ some point down the line, but that applies to anything, no relationship can be guaranteed to last 'until death us do part' people change and develop over time.
You might not always want to be with him.
For now it sounds lovely, I would just enjoy it for what it is :)

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 12:16

thankyou cecil.

I think i'm over thinking everything now. The age gap has never bothered me before and I was just going with the flow of it, (although others were a bit Hmm at first) but now it's really playing on my mind. If he was a bit older, it might not matter to me that much iyswim..

OP posts:
cecilyparsley · 23/10/2011 12:26

he sounds like a good man.
I expect I'd tend to feel conscious of my age (45) if I was in a relationship with someone that much younger, but remember he's with you because he wants to be:)
I hope you can relax!

judgingless · 23/10/2011 12:40

OP, you could take the attitude that he does want to be with you at this time in his life. Sorry to be blunt, but the reality sometimes is that a man or a woman at 25 can feel in no way that they ever want to become a father or a mother biologically. Men and women do often change the way they feel when they get into their thirties regarding their desire to become a parent.

Of course, he may well have decided that he wants to be with you and be a brilliant step dad to your daughter.I am sorry for your problems with conceiving naturally; that must be hard for you.

Can you believe in him and accept that you can't write the rules of the future in concrete in life.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 23/10/2011 13:07

Did the hospital determine why it's unlikely you will conceive naturally? Is there a specific problem or is it an age-based diagnosis?

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 13:26

izzy They found a few problems. My hormone levels are showing start of menopause, I have pcos and an under active thyroid. individually, they could treat all of these but, they said , due to my age, time is (in the doctors words) not my best friend. Even if they did treat them all, by the time I get all the hormone levels and cysts treated - it would probably be too late anyway :(

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 13:27

Are you absolutely sure that you cannot afford to go privately. If he is working then it may mean cutting back on some things, but that would be possible perhaps?

babyhammock · 23/10/2011 13:34

Its alot cheaper in Spain and the techniques are more reliable apparently. Be worth looking in to x

izzywhizzysfritenite · 23/10/2011 13:35

Okay - so what is going to be treated? Your under active thyroid for starters?

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 13:37

We did try and work out a way we could do it..but it's so expensive. We discussed the private option with the doctor and he was quite blunt and to the point. the chances of successful ivf in the over 40's is low to begin with, but the biggest issue he said, was the thyroid problem as my levels are so low. Apparently, it causes the womb to thicken and the chances of any implanted egg 'sticking' was remote.

I really do appreciate your replies...It feels good just getting all out. I can't really talk to anyone in RL (apart from DP) as they think i'm mad thinking I can even consider having another 'at my age' Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 13:39

sorry x-posts

i'm on 150 mg levothyroxine so that treatment is underway. I'm waiting for an appointment to treat the cysts...

OP posts:
cecilyparsley · 23/10/2011 13:45

Thinking, do you really want to have a baby?
If your partner was nearer your age would you want another baby?
I'm just wondering how much of this is to do with feeling you ought to have a baby in order to be fair to him?

As has been pointed out it is possible to have a good and fulfilled life without being a parent, and he is a step parent in any case.

Having a baby would be a whole lot more stress mentally & physically for you than it would for him

Onemorning · 23/10/2011 13:51

OP, I'm so sorry. It's such a shock being told IVF is the only way.

From what you've said your partner is a good man, and it's worth talking this through with him. He may actually be happy being a step parent.

When I was a teen, a male friend (19) got together with a 40 year old woman with 2 kids. They are still together after 20 years.

Changing2011 · 23/10/2011 14:00

I would stay with him, but bear in mind his feelings may change as he ages... He might be fine with no children now, but feel differently in his late thirties. And that wont be him lying to you now, it will be natural feelings changing. His feelings may stay the same all his life and he really may be fine with it. I think men are better at accepting things the way they are instead of wishing for a change. But if i was you, for my own peace of mind, I would have a relationship "review" of sorts, to re establish how you both feel at a later date. Until then, you should stay with your relationship and nurture it, rather than walking away from a good thing. Hugs to you xxx

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 14:02

In all honesty, I really 100% want to have one with him. but, having said that, before I met him, I thought I didn't want anymore. Even if he'd already had children when I met him, I know I would still want to have one with him.

I'll just have to hope that If and when my problems are sorted things can change and a miracle can happen. If not, then what will be will be I guess.

I'm just a bit gutted that, for once in my life, I'm truly happy and secure..now that feels threatened..

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 14:39

I am really, really sorry

I don't have any advice but just wanted to acknowledge what an awful blow this must have been for you both x

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/10/2011 14:48

Could you perhaps consider other options such as surrogacy?

Don't give up on the relationship, he sounds lovely. He may change his mind in the future but that is a risk you take with all relationships.

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 15:16

thankyou for the replies :)

I don't know much about surrogacy or how we would go about that...Confused It is an option if it's not too expensive. can anyone point me in the right direction?

you are all wonderful btw x

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 23/10/2011 16:06

this site may be of some help.

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 16:29

thanks kissing
I'll wait until he gets home from work and we'll have a look through it :) x

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 16:41

I am sort of in the same situation, but opposite too, if that makes sense.

My husband is 8 years older than me, and has grown up children from his first marriage. They lived with us as teens and I was in my early 30's then. I also didnt really know if I wanted children or not at that time, it was one of those things "if it happens, it happens". It didnt happen :( and now with me at nearly 43 we are accepting that we wont have children together. I could go for IVF but to be honest, I just cant face the idea of doing that, as I am quite phobic about hospitals and needles and intrusive examinations.

I have a very good relationship with my stepchildren, and they have children too now, so I am a step-gran. Confused

But what I am trying to also say is, given the choice between children of my own, and not being with the man I love, I would sacrifice having children. I appreciate that not every woman can do this, but it is very possible and likely that your partner will accept the situation, and will be a great stepdad to your daughter.

Original poster
thinkingtoohard · 23/10/2011 17:06

oh squeaky :(

It feels crushing doesn't it? age kinda creeps up on you and I really took it for-granted that I would just fall straight away, as I did with the others but it wasn't to be..did you ever try to find out why you never fell? it could be something really simple that's stopped you. :) xx

I'm not going to give up - Ive decided! my brain has been all foggy this past couple of weeks (since the hospital visit) thinking I should just give up and let him go so he can have children with someone else, I'm not worth all this hassle, ect ect. but I owe to us to keep on trying. If I give up now I will probably be wondering 'what if' for the rest of my life.

I just needed to let it all out to make room to think...thank you all x

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 17:36

I spent a year or so being very down about it, but have come to terms with it more now.

I love my life, we have fun, we have freedom. I love my stepchildren. Yes it would be nice to have a child of my own, but nothing comes with guarantees, so I will take life as it comes. I had a m/c when I was 17, and have had two more in the last couple of years, very early ones. And my husband has a health issue which is probably affecting fertility too. We had one IVF appointment, but after giving it a lot of thought, I knew I couldnt go through with the treatment.

It would be daft to cut off your nose to spite your face, so to speak, by "giving up and letting him go". You could have a child together and things still go tits up, he could walk under a passing bus.... god forbid neither happen, but nothing in life is for certain... if you are happy with each other, child or no child, stay happy with each other for as long as you can. :)

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 17:54

I am glad this thread has helped you

if I was in your situation, I wouldn't give up on your relationship

I was a lot younger, and no particuar age gap, but I was diagnosed with premature menopause when I was 27

I gave DH one opportunity to find someone that could give him dc (neither of us had any) and he told me he wanted me and that was it

after that, you have to trust them that they know their own mind

maybe it won't work out long term...but lots of things can put the kybosh on that, tbh

enjoy your time together...maybe it will pan out, maybe it won't