Argh - boxing day with in laws

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

Terminally disorganised - invite us round for a BBQ and then don't have any gas in the bottle. So everything running very late and dinner get served 10 minutes after ds would normally be asleep. He must have been starving and was very mild mannered and polite (he's almost 3 so this is pretty amazing for a hungry tired toddler).

Ds starts to say grace and PIL says "I'll say grace". Well it's his house, whatever. It would have been cute hearing a 3 year old say it, but it's not my house.

After the main course, ds hops down and says he's tired and where can he have a lie down, he goes into living room. PIL is in the middle of a long monolgue and where ds would normally ask him if he could leave the table I excuse him myself.

Dessert comes out and ds returns to the table, it's now 8.10pm and he can barely keep his eyes open. FIL says he shouldn't have dessert because he got down from the table, and boys who get down without asking can't have dessert. Ds is stunned, I am stunned, dh misses the whole thing (as usual). Ds gets dessert anyway and thanks Gran for a "lovely meal" and asks to leave the table.

During the meal PIL took 2 phone calls and got up to stop the video recording the news without excusing himself. But a kid who isn't even 3 got told off twice for being perfectly good way after he should have been in bed.

Fuming on ds's behalf.

Sounds like a nightmare. We are going to dh's mums today, she is not too bad, she seems to have mellowed dramatically since she has been ill, but her sister is a total and utter nightmare, 5 minutes in the same room and I am wanting to rip her arm off and slap her with it.

He sounds insufferable your pil bobbybob, how rude of him. Sympathy.

I intend to have a hangover on new years day, today though i just feel rough with cold and pains in my side, probably from overindulgence yesterday, dd2 (3) and I woke up this morning with a cold, but, dd2 is far worse than me, her eyes are watering and she can;t breathe, saying that though, she has just filled her face with scrambled eggs and toast and a massive cup of tea.

Oooooops wrong thread

I'll get me coat.

what stupid PIL behaviour, bobbybob! He sounds very insensitive to what's going on around him, lumbering around and issueing judgements like that. Do you think he'd had a drop too much?

Not a single drop - I think that could have been part of the problem. They are so utterly cheerless, offering drinks and my SIL says no to wine so MIL puts in back in the fridge saying "Oh, well I don't suppose anyone will want some". Not asked me at this stage.

Why do you (and your ds) get ignored by them? Is it just you or do they do this randomly?

I get ignored because I am not family. 8 years of marriage obviously does not count.

Ds gets ignored because he is 2 and has the wrong name. We called him Bob rather than the name that dh, FIL and 7 other eldest sons were called.

A child with the correct name (friend of family's grandson) got a DVD from PILs, despite having not seen them for a year. Bob got a small book.

The more you say, the more unreasonable they sound.

They seem to have no hesitation about snubbing you. More fool them - they will not build any proper relationship with their grandson, or with you. And I suppose, as their actions are so openly prejudiced, you know where you stand. In some ways, it's far crueller and confusing when people seem kind and reasonable to you but you are left with persistant vague doubts.

And well done you for not following the family dictats, yet still continuing to see them and not lose your temper.

If you feel brave, could you nicely and politely pick them up on every slight and snub, so when they put the bottle of wine back in the fridge, say 'oh actually I would like a glass'. And if they try to discipline your ds and you don't agree, say so, with a smile on your face. It might be their house but he is your son.

While you sit back stunned by their snubs and judgements, you are letting them get away with it. Don't let them!!! If they want to play nastly, force it out into the open so they simply can't appear reasonable while snubbing you.

I agree with tigermoth. If you don't pick them up on it, they will continue to consider their behaviour perfectly acceptable. Get your dh to do it too. It will have more effect coming from him (after all, he has the right name ). Chances are they will still continue as they do now, but they will know that you aren't just accepting it.

Oh poor you - what a miserable day. DS sounds absolutely gorgeous and deserves so much better from his grandparents, they are bullies IMO . I fully agree with Tigermoth and Frex - stand up to them in a friendly, smily, non - confrontational manner as this doesn't let them get away with being horrid. Get DH onside as well. If he has been used to this behaviour from them for years on end he is probably unable to see how badly they are behaving.

what an unspeakably horrible day. your fil sounds like a PITA
I would be fuming too

5.30am and still turning it over in my mind. for almost 3 years they have insisted on calling Bob, "Rob" which is not his name, at least it isn't while I still have a say. I corrected them the first million times, and Bob has corrected them the second million, but they are obviously made of steel.

I think there was an element of FIL showing off in from of his daughter who arrived yesterday from UK.

Still it cuts both ways - when Gran said to Bob "maybe you can stay the night soon" I completely ignored her.

oh dear bb. IL or no IL, I'd be giving him (and dh!) a piece of my mind.

bobbybob, you know what your FIL is, dont you?

a bully.

he bullies you (about the name); he bullies a two year old (how pathetic is that); he is a bully, plain and simple.

the only way of dealing with bullies is to let them know that you know what they are, and you are not willing to be bullied. doesn't matter whether you are in his house or yours or what the situation is, the next time he is horrible to Bob, take your father-in-law to one side, and say "Look, you can bully your way through this family and through your own life, but if you persist in bullying me and Bob, you will not see Bob again. I am NOT standing for it. Be warned."

I've challenged a few people/family members this way (it works better if you do it one on one and don't humiliate them in front of everyone) - you have to be extremely clear, matter of fact, unemotional, and be prepared to repeat what you said and stand your ground - and the bullying basically stops to be replaced with a grudging respect and a slight keeping-out-of-your-way, which is frankly much preferable.

Give it a go! Horrible man. Your ds sounds delightful and impeccably behaved!

Or I could just wait for him to die?

much more fun to challenge him and tell him where to get off.
he only gets away with it because you allow him to, you know that don't you?

"Or I could just wait for him to die?"
Well you could but you'll probably have a long wait.

I see no mention of your DH's reactions to such verbal diarrhoea. What does he think of them?. You as his wife are not accepted.

A need for both of you to have a united front against such people is paramount or they will just continue to walk verbally all over you.

I have trouble deciding which is just a question of personal style/taste - such as not allowing ds to open his own presents because they like to reuse the paper (funny I thought you gave the whole gift including the wrapping) or not letting him say grace, and what is just totally unacceptable. Very often while I am actually there it seems easier to just let it wash over me, I don't want to spend public holidays locked in combat - even if he does.

He gets away with it because he is old, has mental problems, is dh's dad and also because I let him. Even my father who would normally pick anyone up on anything doesn't have a go at this man.

I suspect a lot of it is just that they have had a fun bypass.

Is it just your PIL then? what about your MIL? does she grudgingly go along with her husband's outrageouly impolite behaviour?

What sort of mental problems does your PIL have? can he be reasonable to other people (friends, colleagues etc). Do you think he consciously chooses to be nasty just to you and your ds? if so, no excuse.

Also, I can well understand that you don't want to cause waves at holiday time, but by standing up to him, you are not necessarily causing waves or spoiling the gathering for everyone else.

You can be gracious, even if you are direct. Being assertive with him does not mean you can't be nice. If he then chooses to sulk or make a big fuss, that's him spoiling the gathering, not you.

MIL has had 40 something years of putting up with him. She accepts his place as head of the family.

FIL has some days where is just an absolute cretin that are almost certainly linked to his illness. BIL is bipolar and I think FIL has similar problems. When he is tired and hungry he is worse. Well fed and rested and he's okay. He's a bit similar to someone having "roid rage", though I don't think he's on steroids.

I treat him as I would a toddler - ignore the bad bits and talk to him when he's being good.

Grrrrrrrr, I would be so cheesed off. Me thinks your DS is absolutely perfect and FIL is very rude and should know better!

ok, if you take the toddler analogy further, can you heap praise upon him when he's being 'good'? Can you get through to him more on a good day, nicely making it clear how you expect him to treat your ds and you when you are in his house? Hopefully some of what you say will stick.

Have you tried showing his wife that you and her grandson are actually quite upset by his rudeness? If she has 40 years' experience of his moods, she might have ways of diverting his attention a bit if he's on the rampage. You might find she is on your side more if you open up to her.

If you say nothing, you are letting yourself be a punchbag, and his wife could assume you are happy to put up with it ad infinitum. IMO you really need to get through to both your inlaws that this is not how you expect to be treated. You could lay it on thick - say your ds is stressed about the idea of seeing them when his grandfather is in a bad mood. You don't have to launch into a bit attack to her about her husband, just concentrate on the effect it has on you and especially your ds.