Argh - boxing day with in laws

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

Terminally disorganised - invite us round for a BBQ and then don't have any gas in the bottle. So everything running very late and dinner get served 10 minutes after ds would normally be asleep. He must have been starving and was very mild mannered and polite (he's almost 3 so this is pretty amazing for a hungry tired toddler).

Ds starts to say grace and PIL says "I'll say grace". Well it's his house, whatever. It would have been cute hearing a 3 year old say it, but it's not my house.

After the main course, ds hops down and says he's tired and where can he have a lie down, he goes into living room. PIL is in the middle of a long monolgue and where ds would normally ask him if he could leave the table I excuse him myself.

Dessert comes out and ds returns to the table, it's now 8.10pm and he can barely keep his eyes open. FIL says he shouldn't have dessert because he got down from the table, and boys who get down without asking can't have dessert. Ds is stunned, I am stunned, dh misses the whole thing (as usual). Ds gets dessert anyway and thanks Gran for a "lovely meal" and asks to leave the table.

During the meal PIL took 2 phone calls and got up to stop the video recording the news without excusing himself. But a kid who isn't even 3 got told off twice for being perfectly good way after he should have been in bed.

Fuming on ds's behalf.

Sorry to hear this. What I never understand in these situations is why the family member (in this case, your dh) insists on making you go somewhere where you are treated like crap.

My grandad was very similar to your FIL. We (me and db) were made to sit at a table away from the adults while my grandad's dog was allowed at the big table. And so on. More fool him though, after years of crap, none of us have anything to do with him and he is, I assume a lonely and very angry old man.

Yeh, it'll come round and bite him hard on the bum! What an awful man. He sounds like a complete arse. Poor you bobbybobbobbingalong. My in-laws will speak a foreign language that neither myself or my kids can understand and then expect them to reply!!!!!

PMSL Grandad's Dog!! You must be from my family! The only pictures of me as a child have the dogs in - ie I accidentally got into a 'dog shot'.

BBBA, Your DS sounds a lovely well brought up little boy. All credit to you for coping with your awful FIL.

Top Tip: I always take wine to wine-stooges houses, then I don't feel guilty helping myself liberally. Always helps me cope with pedants and bullies (and my other half quite frankly)

bobbybobbobbinalong - he sounds awful, sympathy big time honey!
But i wanted to stick my nose in and praise your ds. WOW! what a wonderfully behaved little boy. You must be so proud of him xxxx

He has got amazing manners, and I do have high standards for his behaviour. Bob will have to cope with plenty of arses in his lifetime and is starting young. He will probably steer clear of his grandad for a few weeks now.

I am so nosy but I am dying to know what the 'right' name is?

My father didnt talk to me for 2 yrs for giving ds1 the wrong name

Nothing wrong with the right name, lots of kids are called it at the moment.

However dh got his post opened when he lived at home, we have had ranting offensive letters and weird phonecalls which turned out to be for PIL. So he said that he would not be called his name.

Your ds sounds lovely! What amazing manners, and children don't get good manners by accident after all.

FIL, on the other hand, is a bully. Good luck however you manage him, but I think standing up to him would be more satisfying in the long run... he's bound to live to 103.

Do you think people are making too many allowances for him because of the mental illness? My own feeling on that is that if he lacks the insight to know when his behaviour is unacceptable, he still needs to be told. Just like a toddler.

The thing is that "good manners" in PIL house seems to consist of ignoring FIL when he is rude and horrible. Standing up to him in his house would make me "rude" not him. Dh and I will not tolerate this at our house though, and dh will even bring him up on his behaviour. So I guess that's our compromise.

Ds is indeed wonderful - we are coming to wellington in a couple of weeks, so order in some slightly less windy weather for us.

Fair enough - insisting on good behaviour in your own house is important - less so what happens elsewhere.

Am busy sacrificing a chicken to the Wind Gods for calm weather; if it's still windy when you arrive, you'll know it was the wrong chicken.

More seriously, I assume you're coming here for a purpose and with things to do, but if you're at a loose end and fancy a coffee, dd and I can often be found wandering around Te Papa or the Zoo etc., so just let me know.

Do you not think he uses his illness as a means to getting whatever he wants whenever he wants? If people excuse his behaviour on the grounds that he is ill, he's probably just doing whatever he wants because no one will pick him up on it.

Perhaps the best way to deal with it is that, when they next call to arrange a visit, just calmly say that, unfortunately due to FIL's unacceptable behaviour and his bullying of a 2 year old, you are not prepared to visit anymore. Might at least get them to think about the effect their stance is having.