I really resent my sister and brother.

[santasweetdreamer]

Sorry to anyone who reads this but I'm nearly in tears. I really hate my sister and I'm pissed off at my brother too. I live near my mum who's 78 and alone. She is good for her age but needs looking after IYKWIM. That all falls on me. I realise this is because of the geography, sister and brother live 5-6 hours drive away each. But I always always feel I've got total responsibility of mum, they both do absolutely nothing. Brother has teenagers and so can't come up often but still only manages to visit for 3 days a year, never at Xmas, New Year etc. Also he's separated so has joint care of teenagers, so surely could visit when he's not got his kids.But what I'm most upset about is sister. She live about 5 hours away, all her kids are adults and she has about 6 weeks abroad a year, she only visits mum 3 days a year too and when she comes to see her she spends all the time in the shops and leaves mum alone in the house till evening so she may as well not bother. Never takes mum out when she's here for the 3 days, does what she wants and leaves mum alone, cos mum's too frail to walk around shops for 6 hours.........I really hate her. I'm the only one with pre schoolers and I'm also looking after mum with no support from sisiter or brother at all. Also no recognition that mum even needs any help. But they're both in late 40's, thaye're not idiots, they must know an old lady of 78 can't live alone without help. It's just always been as I'm nearest I do it all and they do nothing and I'm sick of it. I absolutely love my mum and I'm lucky to still have her and she never says but I think she knows sister and brother do nothing for her.

Why are they like this, esp. my sister who's the oldest(and she thinks the wisest...being the eldest?).Why is she so selfish, I'm the youngest and they don't think or care.

I hate them both, esp my sister, I said to DH last night I wish I was an only child then I wouldn't resent my sister and brother so much as I'd be doing all the work and not expecting any help, but knowing they are there and do nothing really upsets me. They are both crap, and it's not lack of money or lack of time off that prevents them visiting my mum it's just they're both so selfish, they don't think of her at all. They've never been up at Xmas or New Year for at least 10 years, my mum's not going to be here for ever.

Similar situ here.
What I hate is how she bends over backwards not to upset them, even if it upsets me!!
I dont mind that I do so much, but hate the way everyone thinks its ok to let me down!

I am also in a similar situation, i have actually severed all contact and disowned my siblings, i don't even refer to them as family. They are all despicable in the way they treated dad, i am starting to feel angry as i type with what they did.

How is your mum about this with your brother and sister?

My mum was the youngest of siblings and she had the burden of looking after her mother because we as a family lived in my grandmother's house. Mum's older brother and sister used to visit, but not take responsiblity - much like your mum's siblings.

What rubbed salt into the wound was that grandmother always put out the red carpet for these visits, favouring her other children when they swanned in, because she didn't see them as often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder etc.

In the last few years of my grandmother's life, when she was over ninety, she needed almost constant care. My mum hardly ever got a full night's sleep. Her all round care kept grandma from going into a home. This prevented mum having much life of her own, or getting a job. I know her siblings were aware of this, but I still remember my mum feeling so stressed about it all. In the long term I think it affected her own health.

When my grandmother died, her assets, ie the house, got divided equally between all three siblings. I believe mum's sister said she would not press for her share of the house proceeds if their brother would agree to this too. However their brother needed the money, so the house was sold, the money split up and mum had to find amnother home (luckily her third enabled her to buy a small house nearby).

I know it can be bad taste to talk about wills amongst family but do bear my story in mind.

That is so sad, Tigermoth!

SSD, it must be awful for you!

I am currently completely furious with my brother who is single and couldn't be arsed to turn up yesterday despite the fact my Mum had a hip replaced on 15th December and has only just got home from hospital. I think in your situation I would speak to your brother and sister, make a list of the things she needs doing, say that you can't do this with pre-schoolers and say that it's up to the 2 of them to sort out a solution as you have done more than your fair shair. Put your foot down loudly or they will continue to let the situation continue, and if she starts to need more care then you will end up being left with it.

Sad, yes - I do wish my mum had somehow put her foot down more. But I know she would have felt personally responsible gramdma had gone into a home.

Her siblings did not insist she kept up the care, but everyone knew if grandma went into a private home the fees would come out of the house assets, so I think the siblings were content to let things drift on. I was a teenager at the time, and not totally aware of everything. I too should have helped mum more.

I tried to discuss this with my brother and sister last year after we'd taken mum on holiday with us and she hadn't been well. We had a rotten holiday and so did she. I tried to say to mu sister you'll need to come and visit mum more often as she needs more help and to give me a breather. Sister said she would and brother said too. Then they didn't - usual 3 days a year visit from both. Feel I'm banging my head on a wall with this - they both don't know how angry I am, it's went on sooo long I'd be in tears if I brought it up. Can't understand their selfish attitude, 'specially sister who has no ties at home, no money worries, loads of holidays. Also sister has the attitude that she does everything for our family, her high handedness is breathtaking.

PS, I don't think this bothers mum as much as it bothers me. Mum is getting too old to worry about things, she says just to leave them alone. But I can't tell mum it's all being left to me, I'd really hate for her to feel a burden as she's not, I love her and always want to help her. But siblings just don't think, period.

You do either need to talk to them or find a way of dealing with your (totally justifiable) feelings so they don't eat you up. I think talking to them is better. So what if you cry? That might be just the thing to make them take things seriously.

Agree, I think they should know how much this is upsetting you ( with good reason). They may well not change their behaviour, but at least then you will have done what you can to change the situation. And knowing that, hopefully, come to a degree of acceptance, so that you don;t upset yourself over this.

In reality this situation isn't of your making, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

Maybe your siblings actually do feel guilty about how little they do and this is impacting in quite a negative way on your relationships with them.

If you can get how you feel out in the open without it all becoming very heated and emotional (easier said than done I would think) this might be quite constructive, especially if you had some suggestions for them as to what they might do to help - maybe even quite small things - if there is no chance of them taking an equal share in responsibility then don't bother asking for as much as that...and possibly if they start off making small contributions then that might grow?

Its a pretty unfair situation to be in, and very hard on you, and I am not suprised that it gets to you - you must be pretty wonderful to do all that you do with young kids to look after as well

ssd - when siblings are physically unavailable, and emotionally distant too, it must be very hard for you as the responsible, caring, conscientious child.

If your brother and sister are unwilling/unable to be any practical help, then I would somehow introduce the idea that they need to make a significant financial contribution to the situation to enable you to have the support you need to look after your mum properly....which in some cases, may mean hiring an extra set of hands to help with the workload.

are you entitled to carers allowence? just a thought - i don't know any facts. it doesnt help with the emotional negligence.

its very sad that they dont love her enough to make an effort.

my mum never sees her mum (my nan) ever. she visited her in hospital last year ONCE when she had a stroke and a heart attack and hasn't enquired about her since or sent any cards, xms, birthday anything.

i love my nan to bits and need to see her every couple of months. its a shame her own children don't feel the same

Your poor thing, SSD. I can imagine how you're feeling as I'm in a similar situation myself, though not as onerous. My mum is also 78 but she still does everything for herself and doesn't need any help at all. But my one brother hasn't seen mum for over three years and my sis and other bro have't seen her for four and five years respectively.

Tbh, I've given up trying to do anything about it. My older bro and sis are my mum's stepchildren so my bro uses that as an excuse not to bother with her, even though mum raised them both after their own mother died when they was 10mths and four years old so they don't know any other mother. My sis not visiting is a bit more understandable; she had a disabled husband and has recently had a hard time adjusting to widowhood. All of their children are adults with their own children, btw. My younger (full) brother has no reason at all not to visit, no kids, no partner, just the usual confines of work, but surely he must have had some leave in the past three years??

I'm moving abroad to W Africa next month so it'll be interesting to see if anyone can be *rsed to visit mum in my absence. I've learnt the hard way that there's no point in talking to my siblings about it, I just get a pious lecture and a rebuff and then spend days being upset about it.

Poor you, suedonim. With all that family,
it's amazing that not one of them care enough to visit your mum much. What sort of pious lecture do they give you? I cannot think how they can do this (I am an only child you see!).

ssd, I do think you need to form a plan. You need to decide in you own mind exactly how much you can do for your mum, realistally, each weekm, without feeling too stressed or stretched.

Then you need to talk to your sister and brother in detail, telling them this. Tell them exactly the things your mum finds hard to do alone, exactly what you have to do to help - the hours, the tasks. Do not be at all vague. If you are vague, they have an excuse to shrug it off. I know my mum's siblings were very keen to say my mum just loved doing everything - it was a convenient version of the truth and it let them off the hook.

From what you've said, there's a gap between what you can realistically do and what your mum needs done. You need to tell your siblings exactly what this gap is. You can do some research - find out how much it would cost to employ a part time carer, etc. Tell them this as well. Also see if your mum is entitled to attendance allowance - I know a lot of people do not realise they can claim it.

Ask your sister and brother how they feel their mum should be helped? can they visit more often or can they pay for extra help? Make your situation their situation too - it's really important, because if you do not do this now, things could get even more stressful for you as the years go by.

If they then refuse to to help, at least you know where you stand and they can never turn round to you and say 'but we never knew'.

That's a great plan for SSD, Tigermoth. It's so hard to see the wood for the trees in this sort of situation and I reckon it's really helpful when someone sees it dispassionately.

I get the pious lecture from my older brother. It begins with a reference to me being five yrs younger than him (we're both in our 50's fgs!) which apparently makes it unseemly for me to make any negative comment about him. We then morph onto 'families' and how it is important they stick together. But, strangely, this seems not to include our mother. At the end of the lecture I am told stay in touch but that does not entail him making any effort. I am the one who must send the letters, make the phone calls etc. After his behaviour when dad died (He refused to visit because he thought I was exaggerating that our 91yo dad with prostate cancer was dying!! He did eventually see dad briefly.) I decided I'd had enough of the emotional pain. I haven't fallen out with my bro but I respond in kind ie I never bother to contact him.

I'm away to phone my other bro now and see what he's got to say for himself, lol!

no wonder you don't feel like picking up the phone to talk to your older brother. He's really just sticking his fingers in his ears and whistling isn't he?

Have you ever been tempted to tie him down to a commitment to your mum by giving him a small mum orientated task or responsibility that only he can carry out? Then be all pious back to him if he tries to wriggle out.

Does your mother ever want to visit her absent children? What would they all say if you helped her arrange a series of visits to them, while you are away?

Thanks for all replies. Yes mum gets attendance allowance and I don't qualify for carers allowance as it would just come off my mums money and we get working tax credits anyway. TBH it's not the money it's my sister and brothers attitude that really gets me, esp. my sisters. She is always complaining that my brother doesn't do enough for my mum but she doesn't realise she does as little herself! I think she honestly thinks she does as much as she can. She recently bought a holiday home abroad and spends all her holidays there, only visiting mum for 3 days a year. She also goes away a lot for weekends but never to visit mum. She totally thinks she does as much as she can and mum is fine by her own. Both sister and brother live far away from me and mum but I mean visiting 3 days a year?? After our awful holiday last year I asked sister to come and visit more often and maybe to take mum away for a few nights. Said she would, then as time went on she forgot any promises and visited for the 3 days, took mum absolutely no where and I took mum away for a night whilst dh had the kids. When sister visits all she does is go to the shops and says she can't possibly take mum as "she holds her back". WTF? Doesn't she think it's kinda hard for me to take her shopping with 2 kids in tow?

Honestly I really hate my selfish sister.

that sounds so hard, i am furious on your behalf.

how does your mum feel about all this? can she help to explain the situation to your brother and sister?

mum says not to bother about them. But it's hard when it's all down to me and they're off the hook.

perhaps you need to have a talk with her first then and make sure she understands that you need help to keep this up?
can she go and visit them? (with your help to arrange)

tis easy for me to say but i think youare going to need to be quite assertive. have v good friend ended up caring for elderly grandparents at great distance, despite lots of other on the doorstep, i know how hard it was for her, but part of it was not having expectations of other people, iyswim.....

agree with mazzystar - it seems like your mum is blind to the fact that you cannot take on all this responsiblity. I bet you are very loving to your mum when you are with her, and you seem really fond of her company. Your mum probably thinks you have huge reserves of strength and time. That's all so well and good, but everyone has their limits.

It seems to me that both your mum and your siblings are expecting far too much from you. Only you (with help from your partner perhaps) can show them that however much you love your mother, you cannot do all that they are taking for granted.

I think it's a great idea to arrange for your mother to visit your sister. If your mother is willing to, of course. Could you consider accompanying her there if she's nervous about the travelling? If your sister is left in sole charge of your mum, she will have to face reality. She sounds very selfish by the way. I can well understand why you resent her.

be specdific

the luxury of distance betwen you and aged relatives is that you simply forget about them and their need. you remember wheat they were like when they were younger when you spent more time with them

so rather than martyring yourself be specific with siblings and tell them they need to come up x weekend and take the starain

I agree with everyone who says you need to be very specific. I think you also need to think about the different things that need doing over a year - not just the day-to-day stuff. Eg upkeep of her house and garden; helping her with Chistmas shopping; other, longer-term more seasonal shopping - eg for summer/winter clothes. Unlike the day-day groceries etc these are things that your brother and sister could specifically help with over a planned weekend visit. I too think it's easy to say but you need to be assertive now or it will get worse. You sound very caring btw and even if your mum makes a fuss when the others visit, I bet she appreciates you.

I feel like I've hijacked this thread - sorry, SSD. But it's illuminating to see how other families operate. The way I'm seeing it, it's kind of 'out of sight out of mind' where older relations are concerned.

TM, my siblings all live hundreds of miles away so I can't set up a scenario as you suggest, much as I'd like to! I haven't managed to get through to my younger bro yet, either. Don't know where he is, but he sure ain't visting mum.