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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I jaded or is this guy no good?

42 replies

BatCave · 22/10/2011 14:47

I've just had a heart to heart with my SIL, who is young (21) and I would say - immature for her age - but she has a good heart and is very loving and trusting.

She has been seeing a 'boy' of the same age (this is perhaps showing my age [hblush] ) for just 1 week now. On the surface he is a 'nice guy', he's bought her flowers, quoted her lyrics from songs - yada yada ~ very romantic. Her mum likes him; her friends like him. She's been telling everyone that things are great and describes him as a 'keeper'. However as we were all sat having coffee with the inlaws this morning, I asked her how it was all going. She gave me a look as if to say : "Ummmmmm uh... yeah its O....K...." and said "ah its great thanks".

I whisked her away alone and I probed a bit deeper and she told me she has concerns about him. He wants to spend every minute of their spare time together. She wants a little space and when she told him this he got very upset, told her she was hurting him. He wants her to tell him where she's going, who she's with and gets upset if she sees friends that are male. He got upset when she suggested she might like to go out and stay at her brothers house (like she often does) because men might be there. He's made her promise that she will never 'hurt' him like his ex has done. He texted her friend 6 times in an hour because she didn't reply to a text. In the half hour we were chatting he text her 3 times, without her replying.

On top of this, I believe he has been accused of a date rape (I don't know any details of this - he told SIL and said it had upset him) and he has an ex girlfriend who has apparently been making snide comments about SIL on FB already.

I told her to trust her instincts - she has concerns. He doesn't trust her already and they're only a week in! I get a bad feeling from this and I warned her that things are only going to get worse and to get out of there now before it gets more complicated. To make things worse, her mum (knowing all this, incidentally) has told her to give him a chance, get to know him a bit more 'he's a lovely boy'. I don't understand it. To my mind he's being controlling and showing signs of manipulation, never mind the 'nice boy' exterior. I'd never usually voice my opinion to someone, I believe people need to make their own decisions whether I agree with them or not, but this just doesn't sit right to me. Just need a bit of perspective please, am I overreacting?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 14:56

No, you are not! Blimey, even taking the date rape out of things, he sounds like he's controlling and jealous.

OK so she fell for him a week ago. That doesn't mean it has to last forever. She'll fall for plenty of others over time.

I can't believe her mother. If my daughter was going out with someone who was accused of date rape who had already shown signs of controlling behaviour, I'd be staging an intervention.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 14:59

This isn't a 'keeper' - this is a 'loser', isn't he?

One week in and she has concerns? Encourage her to act on her instincts and her concerns and tell her that you'll do everything you can to support her when she ends it.

As for her mum, mums don't always know best and why would they when they only get to see the 'nice boy' exterior?

Once your sil dumps this psycho her mum may see the other side of him but, on this occasion, I sincerely hope not because it won't be a pleasant experience for any one if he runs true to form.

TethHearseEnd · 22/10/2011 14:59

Alarm bells might not be loud enough.

PetiteRaleuse · 22/10/2011 15:00

You are not over-reacting at all - he sounds awful. Make sure she knows she's got your full support if or when she chooses to end it - this kind of bloke doesn't like to be dumped and will make her life very difficult if she tries. And tell her your concerns but not in a lecturing way.

I wih I had had someone to tell me what they thought when I was in a similar situation :(

PetiteRaleuse · 22/10/2011 15:01

Cross post with Izzy.

Oh, my mum was very strange about me dumping any blokes too. It really didn't help. Which is why you need to give her another viewpoint. Gently.

Bohica · 22/10/2011 15:04

He sounds scary, how many times have they seen each other in a week?

I'd be telling her to trust her instincts to. One week into a relationship should still feel nice and happy not weird and I couldn't be bothered with EX's and face book.

It took me ages to offically start dating my now husband, he had a pesky ex and I told him in no uncertain terms not to contact me again until he had sorted out his bagguage with (no children involved thankfully) his ex.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 22/10/2011 15:13

dump, dump, dump. He's not a 'lovely boy' he's an insecure, jealous weirdo. He's only known her a week so he's acting like this because this is the way HE is, not because he loves her to bits. She needs to get shot now.

And can you have a serious word with your MIL to see if you can get her on side?

BertieBotts · 22/10/2011 15:16

Big red flags, yes. Unfortunately many people don't see behaviour like this as controlling - the mum probably thinks he's just a bit insecure or that he's had such a bad experience with his ex, your SIL will be able to sort that out. Unfortunately these are just excuses she's making for him - I agree he sounds really controlling and it's very unlikely to get better, in fact probably it will get worse.

I agree with Petite as well - make sure you're there for her and keep reinforcing that it's totally fine for her to break up with him if she feels something isn't right. This is an excellent article you could email to her or send in a PM on facebook. The whole site is a fantastic resource, actually, look around it and encourage her to!

This is a really good guide to red flags as well because it actually explains why each behaviour is worrying, which is better than just lists of red flags, because they are easier to dismiss "Oh, he only texts a lot because he cares. He only worries about me being in male company because of his ex" (etc etc) It doesn't have as many of the little things as other lists, but it easily covers what you've written here already and I'd be willing to bet, some things which SIL hasn't told you.

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 15:17

sod the klaxon! Grin

This guy is BAD NEWS!

Don't forget these nasty abusers ALWAYS charm the families and friends until they get the victim hooked.

DON'T LET HER SEE THIS GUY AGAIN.

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 15:17

better yet, get her on here... we'll tell her!

Show her this thread if you have to!

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 15:18

F*CK! I missed that she'd only known him a WEEK

He's already got date rape accusations hanging over him, this one will go on to KILL, mark my words.

Charbon · 22/10/2011 15:54

Tell her to run like the wind. Mothers like hers need to be shot educated about the sort of pressure they put on their daughters.

It wasn't 'date rape'.

It was rape.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 15:57

That's why I've termed him a 'psycho' HS.

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:31

fair point wrt rape/date-rape Charbon.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 16:37

HS is right, OP. This man is a danger to women. There's no telling what he might do either now or in the future, but it won't be good news.

The longer your sil leaves it to tell him he's history, the more he'll become fixated on her.

If she dumps him now the chances are there'll be minimal repercussions, but if he shows any sign of refusing to stay away from her tell her not to hesitate and call the police because there is no reasoning with a man like him.

Original poster
BatCave · 22/10/2011 17:09

Thank god I'm so glad someone thinks the same as me. I just hope that I can guide her without her thinking I'm being interfering.

In all fairness to my MIL, she doesn't know about the rape accusation. I think I'm the only person SIL has told and she swore me to secrecy. I still can't comprehend how she is so flippant about it and isn't listening to her daughters other concerns. But then my MIL, lovely as she is is a law unto herself....

Petite thank you- I hadn't really thought much about the possibility he might become nasty if she breaks up with him. I have told her she can call/text me for advice whenever she needs it. Apparently he told a friend of hers that he was planning on 'surprising' her and coming over this evening. She was worried and I told her I'd be over if she wanted me to. Having said that StepFIL will be there and beat the crap out of him show him where to go if he makes trouble.

oldenough no chance of chatting to MIL about this, although I made my feelings very clear and StepFIL openly agreed with me so possibly she may start to see him in a different light. I hope its just naivety in her case. (She does tend to respect my opinion though).

Bohica that's exactly what I emphasised earlier, to just trust her instincts over and over. Bertie thanks for the links, I will check them out and forward them to her.

You know wha,t HS that ran through my head too Sad..............

I hope I got through to her earlier. I'm going to text her now and check she's ok. I really really want to stop this in its tracks. I just want to be a good friend willing to take a chance and say it like it is, and not a boring nag.

She's so desperate to find someone to settle down with. (!) I tried to give wisdom without sounding old and fuddyduddyish. She seemed relieved to talk to me though, that someone validated her feelings. I think up to now everyone, including her friends have told her to give him a chance, and she's already making excuses for him! Maybe because I haven't met him I can be objective? Who knows?

OP posts:
Original poster
BatCave · 22/10/2011 17:12

Oh and apparently, he was asking her if the two of them could babysit my DD sometime......ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT HAPPENING

OP posts:
PetiteRaleuse · 22/10/2011 17:21

"She's so desperate to find someone to settle down with."

That was me at her age. I went from one 4 year abusive relationship with this kind of guy, to a second 4 year relationship with an even worse this type of guy.

I wasted my 20s and I'm not going to hijack your thread and tell you how awful it was and what a horrible horrible time I had.

It took me a long time to get back the self respect and get out of the last relationship. I'm now happy and married and every day I count my lucky stars that I didn't do anything stupid like get pregnant by these exes.

She needs to run, run and run some more while she still can. It is SO easy at that age to get sucked into something destructive and abusive. I never thought it would be me but it was, and the damage is done.

Original poster
BatCave · 22/10/2011 17:29

Me too Petite. I had an ex who manipulated me to the extent that when I told him I was leaving he slashed his wrists in front of me in an attempt to get me to stay. I didn't. Thankfully a very good friend pointed out how controlling he was, whilst being 'butter wouldn't melt' to everyone else. I thank my lucky stars I listened to her. I hope I can be that friend to SIL.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/10/2011 17:45

YY me too, Petite. Except I was 18, and I did get pregnant :( I left two years ago (thanks to MN!) and still have issues from it. Happily, I'm in a healthy relationship now, but I think the only way that has been possible was the constant support and stream of information from here.

BatCave you sound like a fantastic person to have around in this situation. Please keep making it clear that it's okay for her not to feel right about this. The reason you get sucked into these things is that you do give them a chance, and another, and another. If they were outwardly horrible then it would be easy, but they charm the friends and family who they do want around, and attempt to cut access to the ones who might challenge any notion that this is a desirable relationship. Oh - that's a good point. If possible, try not to let him become aware that you're talking to her in this way, in case he tries to cut you off as well.

carernotasaint · 22/10/2011 17:46

Charbon is absolutely right. Is the mother controlling and bossy with her as well. Because if she is she might be thinking its even easier to "control" her daughter when there is a boyfriend to collude with.
This is not meant to be nasty by the way,its just that there can be collusion in families when it comes to abuse situations.

PetiteRaleuse · 22/10/2011 17:53

I didn't mean to say people who get pregnant by abusive men are stupid - that came out all wrong, sorry Blush

She's lucky to have you BatCave please don't hesiatet to point her in the direction of this thread if she voices any more doubts.

I hope she gets rid soon.

EmilyMurphyLegallyAPerson · 22/10/2011 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BatCave · 22/10/2011 18:02

Thank you [blushes] and Bertie good point, I will bear that in mind. I just need to keep in contact with her. We could usually go a few weeks without talking/being in contact with each other. I've told my DH how I feel too so hopefully he will back me up and I think StepFIL will too even though he can be a thug he's surprisingly quite intelligent.

carer no MIL isn't controlling, more the opposite to be honest, but I think she is a bit think naive, rather than unpleasant.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/10/2011 18:05

I want to come back and say something about the wanting to settle down thing, because I know I felt very much like that and it was only stuff I learned later which I really, really wish I had known or even thought about earlier, looking back. I can't think of the right wording now, as making dinner, but I will come back to say something.