Am I jaded or is this guy no good?

[BatCave]

I've just had a heart to heart with my SIL, who is young (21) and I would say - immature for her age - but she has a good heart and is very loving and trusting.

She has been seeing a 'boy' of the same age (this is perhaps showing my age [hblush] ) for just 1 week now. On the surface he is a 'nice guy', he's bought her flowers, quoted her lyrics from songs - yada yada ~ very romantic. Her mum likes him; her friends like him. She's been telling everyone that things are great and describes him as a 'keeper'. However as we were all sat having coffee with the inlaws this morning, I asked her how it was all going. She gave me a look as if to say : "Ummmmmm uh... yeah its O....K...." and said "ah its great thanks".

I whisked her away alone and I probed a bit deeper and she told me she has concerns about him. He wants to spend every minute of their spare time together. She wants a little space and when she told him this he got very upset, told her she was hurting him. He wants her to tell him where she's going, who she's with and gets upset if she sees friends that are male. He got upset when she suggested she might like to go out and stay at her brothers house (like she often does) because men might be there. He's made her promise that she will never 'hurt' him like his ex has done. He texted her friend 6 times in an hour because she didn't reply to a text. In the half hour we were chatting he text her 3 times, without her replying.

On top of this, I believe he has been accused of a date rape (I don't know any details of this - he told SIL and said it had upset him) and he has an ex girlfriend who has apparently been making snide comments about SIL on FB already.

I told her to trust her instincts - she has concerns. He doesn't trust her already and they're only a week in! I get a bad feeling from this and I warned her that things are only going to get worse and to get out of there now before it gets more complicated. To make things worse, her mum (knowing all this, incidentally) has told her to give him a chance, get to know him a bit more 'he's a lovely boy'. I don't understand it. To my mind he's being controlling and showing signs of manipulation, never mind the 'nice boy' exterior. I'd never usually voice my opinion to someone, I believe people need to make their own decisions whether I agree with them or not, but this just doesn't sit right to me. Just need a bit of perspective please, am I overreacting?

Holy Shit, another reason why I will be educating my DD on How To Spot An Abusive Prick.
Just in case you had ANY doubt - she should GET RID ASAP.

Oh, i've just received this text from her:

"Hey Batcave, im glad we had the chat thanks you made me think about things Alot more so i haven't Txted or heard anymore from him yet today. But slightly thinkin i should meet one Nite and tell him everything im feelin once again and go from there maybe He Is being sweet and meaning mothing by it but for now will just see how everything goes. X"

Well you can't force her to do anything just be there when it falls apart. Try not to isolate her by being too disapproving IYSWIM.

Feeling :( for her right now though...

I'd text back something like "It's up to you, but remember it doesn't matter what he's meaning by his actions, if it makes you feel uncomfortable that's what matters."

She's not likely to see the light straight away. Keep being there for her, reaffirming her belief in herself, encouraging to do things to keep her freedom, take that course that she wants to or that job that she wants to, making it clear that she doesn't have to choose him over her friends, that if he loved her, he wouldn't make her choose. It's likely he will provide you with ample opportunities to say to her "Look at X, Y, and Z time that he has done the same or similar thing to you already." or point out inconsistencies which don't make sense. It's pointless telling her to dump him, because if she's not ready, this is likely to push her away or make her hide his worst behaviour from you, but do make it clear it's an option. And don't offer any options like "Try talking to him" or "Try telling him how you feel!" or advice on how to cope with the day to day stuff - I got loads of this from my mum and it just reaffirmed that my only option was to stay in the relationship and try to make it better.

Pass on that article to her as well about how someone doesn't have to have done something terrible for you to dump them - and the code amber and red one too.

Please encourage her NOT to tell him how she's feeling because these men hone in on any vulnerability displayed or spoken about by their victims.

Instead, suggest that she listens to him bleating on about talking about himself while checking her bullshitometer instincts on a regular basis.

If her text is implying that she's finished with him, reassure her that there's absolutely no need for her to meet up with him again for any reason.

Oh shit, poor girl. Another thing to do is keep reminding her that being single is great and infinitely better than life with a shitbag of a man, and this one does indeed sound really, really awful.

< wearily and softly bangs head on wall.. >

OP, stick with her

stick so tight

she will need you one day x

could you show her some web links ?

"dating a loser" is a good place to start here

Oh that's a good one - if she has finished with him, remind her that she doesn't "owe" him anything, not an explanation, apology, last meeting, last chance or anything. I ALWAYS used to feel like I should explain if I split up with someone, worrying how the poor guy () would ever know where they'd gone wrong, how to avoid the same mistakes with a future gf, whatever. They don't listen, and that last meeting always makes you feel shit. Or get sucked back in, and then quickly start feeling like shit!

Poor girl, hope she sees the light soon.

God, no you aren't! Red Flags aplenty here. Your (and her) instincts are correct. If he's like this after a week....well, you can imagine.

I would encourage her to end this relationship.

Hey - thought I'd update (and thank you all for your advice).

Well, my unfounded scepticism was proved wrong! She managed to break it off with him. I am so relieved.

With advice from this thread, I in turn advised her that she owed him no explanation, apology or anything and that she called the shots. She told him she didn't want to see him any more, and as predicted, he freaked out and escalated in the texts and phone calls, harrassing friends. But she held her ground and it seems he's backed off for now. (Well deleted her from fb and told all her friends that SHE is a psycho bitch (thank god they're laughing at him) - anyway....)

She's now dating a guy she met on the internet. [hconfused] OK, so her judgement isn't that great, but I think she's learned an important lesson on trusting her instincts and I hope she'll come to me in the future if she's ever worried about anything.

Well Done SIL :)

Oh PHEW! She needs to be on her own for a while, sort out that twat-radar. Fingers crossed for this new bloke. [hconfused]

glad to hear it

she sounds a bit er, flakey though

is she so very desperate for a man ?

I think that you should keep a close eye on her...not in a controlling way, though - obviously! She appears to need a bit of guidance from someone with some self respect. I agree that she probably isn't used to being without a man all the time but this is just a really bad a habit and as she is so young she could easily break it. We all have needs but a couple of months free of boyfriends might declutter her head a bit (and make some space for something else) - might be worth a try. Oh for a SIL like you!!!

I was relieved to read that she broke it off with him but it sounds like she needs some guidance so that she doesn't end up in this situation again.

There is a worrying trend amongst young people to accept emotional abuse (and physical) as the norm. A report by the University of Bristol a few years back indicated that 72% of girls have reported some sort of emotional partner abuse. Sadly there is little support to explain to young women the subtleties of healthy relationships and how to identify those red flags.

On the plus side, she had the sense to Q if this was healthy behaviour, seek out support and then act on it. Just make sure that she knows that you are there for her if she ever feels uncomfortable again.

I am pleased that she had the sense to realize his behaviour was a bit off (understatement...) and dump him, but I am concerned that she only did that once she had the "security" of another relationship with internet man to transit to directly.

That attitude smacks of real relationship addiction / co-dependency, and it could very easily land her into the arms of another abuser, again and again, until she leans to be happy on her own, and confident of her own worth.

What sort of ego-boosting things does she do for herself, OP? Can she be encouraged towards more activities, that she does without a partner and for her own enjoyment, that will shore up her self-esteem?