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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH's DC's birthday party confusion

50 replies

vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:33

I need some advice on whether I am completely out of order or not.

My OH has a DC and it's his child's birthday coming next month. My OH was asked out of the blue by his child if he would be at the birthday party and he felt he had no choice but to say yes he'll go. However he thinks it's unwise for me to attend with him - he thinks his ex-wife will cause a scene about me in front of their child (They've been seperated for 3 years, still going through divorce, she's not taking news of me well even though we got together way after they separated. She's known about me for the past year but we've never 'met' and we anticipate it might be difficult when we do).

I don't think it's right for him to leave me behind while he is at his child's birthday party. My view is either 1) we both go - we're a couple and we should go together or 2) we do something separate and special for his child and he shouldn't go.

I'm hurt that he is considering going without me, but understand that he wants to keep his child happy on his special day.

Utterly confused and head hurting. Any wise words anyone?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/10/2011 22:36

this is about the child not you.

he should go on his own.

you could also together on next contact visit do somewthing nice for the child separately .

if you and his ex are to meet it should not be at the child's birthday.

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 22:36

Sorry but he is a father first and foremost and he should go alone.

When you meet someone with children these things happen.

My ex used to come to his kids birthdays alone and I'd not have expected to see his girlfriend with him even though I liked her.

This is not about you it is about his child and the child comes first.

bottlebank · 21/10/2011 22:44

If he thinks there might be a scene, then you not being there is the only option.

If he doesn't go, his DC will be upset on their birthday - not acceptable.

Obviously her mother must be there.

Do something seperate and special for the DC as well.

DC's birthday party is NOT the time to meet the XW. My X brought his new girlfriend to our DS's birthday - it was awkward and there was no bad feeling between us to begin with so I can only imagine your situation going badly.

It's not about you 'as a couple' it's about him as a father and his DC.

Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:45

Do you think it's unreasonable to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 22:45

YABU

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 22:46

No for God's sake dont ask him not ot go. His DC wants hims to go, it is not a choice between you and the child.

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 22:46

Its definately unreasonable to ask him not to go, its also unreasonable to expect you can go with him.

Let him go alone its a kids party, he isn't going on a date or anything.

bottlebank · 21/10/2011 22:47

Yes of course it's unreasonable to ask him not to go! It's his child's birthday party and, more to the point, his child specifically asked him to go! I'm a bit Hmm that he 'felt he had no choice but to say he'd go' tbh.

Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:47

Don't get me wrong, I don't at all want a scene at his birthday, so my head currently is telling me to ask him not to go and that we do something special for his child ourselves.

Just can't bear the thought of him being there with mutual friends etc...

Blimey this is hard....

OP posts:
hatesponge · 21/10/2011 22:48

Sorry, YABU. He should go on his own. He certainly shouldn't fail to attend simply because you can't.

My Ex has not been to our DC's parties since we split. I did make a point of inviting him this year - he didn't turn up, but I would have put up with him being there for the sake of our DC. I would have been bloody livid had he brought his on-off gf with him though.

The same's true vice versa - if I was involved with a man who had DC, I wouldn't expect to attend their parties.

Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:48

Wow - I'm new to all this and the feedback seems unanimous.

This is going to be a steep learning curve. Be gentle please :)

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 22:49

Why is it hard, they are split up he is with you, why should the child suffer because of your insecurities?

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 22:49

This is bout his child and not you. His child has asked him to go. Your OH wants to go becuase he has been asked, it is very wise for you not to go as it would be an inapprpriate setting for you to meet the ex for the first time.

It is not about you.

bottlebank · 21/10/2011 22:51

Why can't you bear the thought of him being there with mutual friends?

As I said, do something special for the child yourselves as well.

Chances are, in the future, if the XW is up for it, you'll attend important events. I know plenty of people who had four parents (including steps), at their weddings, birthday parties etc.

Now is too soon. You need to respect that. The DC doesn't deserve a scene at their party and if they want their dad there they deserve that too.

Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:51

OK, I hear what everyone's saying. Thanks for the advice. Like I said, I'm new to all of this so please don't be too brutal.

I'm learning every day what's right or wrong when with someone who has a child. There's no manual so I find this forum really helpful.... :)

OP posts:
Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:52

Thank you all. Deep breath

OP posts:
Dialsmavis · 21/10/2011 22:56

Well done for taking it on the chin vic79 it is the right thing to do...

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 22:57

It is difficult, my mother became a step mother to 5 on marrying my dad, so have first hand expereince of all that goes on.

MrsMilton · 21/10/2011 22:58

There might not be a manual but common sense and a bit of empathy usually help. Do you have neither?

The poor child. I hope you won't continue to make all his special occasions so difficult. He is going through enough, presumably, without his dad's new girlfriend behaving like a spoiled brat herself.

Grow up.

bottlebank · 21/10/2011 22:58

Promoting and supporting your DP's relationship with his DCs will only ever be a good thing. Showing respect by not forcing yourself on his X, ditto. Now is not the time to make a point or try to show what a solid unit you and DP are.

I mean this in the absolutely most open and encouraging way. A lot of the problems I see with 'new' partners and Xs/DCs etc could be avoided with a bit more patience at the beginning.

All the best.

Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 22:59

Very helpful Mrs Milton. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
vic79 · 21/10/2011 23:00

Thankyou bottlebank.

OP posts:
Moodykat · 21/10/2011 23:01

A bit harsh there perhaps Mrs Milton?

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 21/10/2011 23:01

Mrs Milton is right though.

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 23:02

Could you maybe have a get together with some girlfriends while he is at the the party?

Also maybe suggest to your DP that you would like to do something special and organise a day out.