OH's DC's birthday party confusion

[vic79]

I need some advice on whether I am completely out of order or not.

My OH has a DC and it's his child's birthday coming next month. My OH was asked out of the blue by his child if he would be at the birthday party and he felt he had no choice but to say yes he'll go. However he thinks it's unwise for me to attend with him - he thinks his ex-wife will cause a scene about me in front of their child (They've been seperated for 3 years, still going through divorce, she's not taking news of me well even though we got together way after they separated. She's known about me for the past year but we've never 'met' and we anticipate it might be difficult when we do).

I don't think it's right for him to leave me behind while he is at his child's birthday party. My view is either 1) we both go - we're a couple and we should go together or 2) we do something separate and special for his child and he shouldn't go.

I'm hurt that he is considering going without me, but understand that he wants to keep his child happy on his special day.

Utterly confused and head hurting. Any wise words anyone?

Thank you Moodykat. This is the first time i've encountered this situation - first birthday i've had to come across. Friendly but honest words help.

Thank you.

For the most part, though, we're thinking as parents. If the OP isn't then it's a different mindset, it really is.

I think if we can be kind and encouraging to prospective step-parents then the world will be a better place.

(speaking here as someone whose X has had a fair few, and from my DH's experience of getting together with me 'and DS').

Yes fivegomadindorset - i definitely need something to take my mind of it.

I know some think i sound insecure and have no common sense, but i'm finding this hard and is the first birthday party situation i've had to deal with.

Friendly advice helps. Thank you so much.

I can see where you are coming from OP. It might be difficult but you do have to let him go. Don't even think about asking him to choose as it will cause bad feeling, and imagine what fuel that would give his ex!
I agree that it would be a good idea to plan something with your girlfriends that day so you don't have to think your missing out.
It can be horrible feeling left out, so I really do get where you are coming from. Especially being left out of something as important as your DPs child's birthday. But it will all come in time. Do something fun with DP and DSC to celebrate another day.

Be careful what you wish for!

Shortly after he left us I remember my ex announcing to me that he was coming to DS2's birthday party (in my house) and would be bringing his new gf with him. So I told him that was fine and all my girlfriends would be bringing their children and would no doubt be really interested to meet her. Not surprisingly she didnt turn up on the day

BTW I dont think you should be there just because you are a couple. I wouldnt muscle in on my partners children just to make a point. They have a perfectly good mother of their own.

I think it all depends on a) how well you know your boyfriend's child b) how long you and your OH have been together and c) the status of your relationship e.g do you live together, engaged, or just casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

But I understand 100% your dilemma, OP because I have been in a similar position myself. It's not easy to feel excluded particularly if as you say, friends of yours will be at the party whilst you are not "allowed" to be there. I defy anyone on here to say that that wouldn't smart....

But I do agree with others that this party is not the time and the place. However, if your relationship with your DP is serious and geared up to marriage or live-in relationship, then you are entitled to have the opportuntity to get to know your DP's child a bit better than you perhaps do now.

You'd ask your boyfriend to NOT go to his own child's birthday?

Sooooo let his child down, rather than upset you? You really need to ask?

My ex husband and I always do the kids' birthday parties together, usually at his house as he has no other half living there, although the party is often at a venue somewhere. No current partners/ spouses or any other relatives come. The birthday parties are about the kids and their friends. My husband and my ex dislike each other and I don't want other agendas getting involved in my kids' parties.
My husband had the opportunity to go to his daughter's party years ago without me and wouldn't go without me, despite me trying to push him into it. He felt it was against some principle or other. He wasn't invited to any more of her parties.
I think the kids should come first here, new partners just find something else to do for the day.

Hopefully, you have years ahead of you with a relationship with his son. Don't blow it in the early days by making a stand about a silly birthday party lasting around 2 hours. If you and your DP are a strong unit, you'll withstand this - and all the better for you waving him off with a smile and a genuine "have a lovely time" than stropping about it.

Hi

I can see you are trying here, but can I make a suggestion?

If you see the entire thing from the perspective of the child it becomes easy. The child has asked his father to be there. So he should go. There is a suggestion that the ex might not want you there, or your dp thinks so. It may be awkward.

In addition, you are presumably hoping for a long term relationship with dp, with empathy and understanding on both sides.

If you back off from this, and dont make your partner feel he has to choose between the child and you, you will set a great example for the future, consider dps feelings, and the childs. Personally, if you were not on the scene at the time of the split, I think the exw is being a bit unreasonable, BUT that is no reason for you to be as well, as only the child suffers. If you were there, she would feel uncomfortable, and that would affect the child.

Do the right thing, let him go, make plans for yourself for that day, and then arrange an extra event or tea for the child with both of you on another day.

Just curious, and hopefully you thinking about it will help you see why you feel the way you do, but why do you think he shouldn't go without you? Are you insecure about your relationship or do you want to give his ex wife a message?

There really is no confusion. His child wants him there, he should be there.

I also don't see why you and his ex wife expect it to be difficult when you do meet. Why? Their marriage is over, you weren't the other woman, so really be a grown up and meet her as you would meet anyone else.

It is he DCs birthday, he is her Dad of course she wants him there. We're a couple now' yes. But first he is a father. There will be lots of other occasions like this and this is what you sign up for when you are with someone who has children.

btw DC's birthday party is NOT the right time to meet the ex. Not for DC, the ex (who will have made a great effort to give her DC a lovely birthday party) and not for you standing in the corner still feeling excluded.

Wave your DP off to the party willingly.

the child asked out of the blue if her own father would be attending her party?

how did he not expect that? he is the father, why would he not have expected an invite? and he felt he couldn't say no? why would he have said no?

and YABU.

Being a new almost-stepmum is bloody hard work and nobody should blame you for feeling pushed out and jealous. You can't help your feelings. I found it really hard at first, dh's ex was incredibly controlling, and after meeting the DCs early on - very successfully - she banned them from seeing me even though they wanted to. It was horrible seeing DH go off each weekend. Obviously I didn't go to the parties at first but she even stuck a label over the present I got their DS to say it was from her instead of me, and various other weird things like ripping up any picture the DCs drew with me in them :( they'd been divorced 4 years before I even met DH so like you it's not like I'd 'stolen' him.

Stick with this though, stay in the background, gradually you'll be able to get more involved and it will be worth the wait. I love being a stepmum, I honestly wouldn't change it for anything :)

OP, you've had a bit of a flaming on here, fair play to you for sticking with it!

I think the key bit of advice on here is to consider everything from the point of view of what's best for his child. You can't go wrong if you do that.

Believe me when I say it's the only way to stay sane, especially when you're dealing with unreasonable people (and if you genuinely weren't on the scene of their marriage breakdown, his ex is being unreasonable if she can't be civil towards you imo.) I had to let the dc's go off for weekends with XH and OW fairly early on after our split, even though it killed me to do so. I don't think the dc's would be at all aware that it was upsetting for me, I wouldn't have wanted them to.

The right thing to do here is gladly let your DP go to the party, and then have a separate celebration where you're involved.

one more thought - although I agree with everyone here that you must encourage him to go to the party without you if that is what his options boil down to. Even if you were not the OW, breaking up with a partner is really, really hard. Just look through the threads on relationships - or think about your friends/ yourself when you have been broken hearted.

It is not unreasonable that an ex wife might still feel sad and hurt to see her former husband with someone else - even if she has no desire to be with him. It's irrational in some ways - but totally normal in others.

So - her childs birthday party is really not a fair place for her to have to meet you - even if you think she should be ready for it, I think it's not the right place and I'm sure if you were a friend of hers, you could see that point of view.

Your partner has a family - he comes as a package and that family is going to have complex dynamics which will have to be worked out. Stand back and allow him to be a father, a child's party, hosted by the ex W (and a massively important day for her) is not the right place for you to make your first statement of an appearance together...that's really not fair. It's not about you - and you really have to remember that it's very normal that you don't go...

make it clear that you would like to meet her, in a place that BOTH you AND her feel comfortable - she has a right to that too. And move forward with confidence that you are ensuring your partner puts his childs needs first - AND respects the relationship he has built up over time with the childs mother.

ps. I also find it odd that he expressed any discomfort at all about attending the party....perhaps he just said that to you because you were upset? You should not get into a position where he feels he has to pretend he doesn't want to do things with his kids because of your feelings....

I don't think it's that unreasonable or odd that you would have "considered" that dp should not go to the party without you OP. In a relationship without kids there would come a point in that relationship where you and your partner come as a package when it comes to things like wedding invites, family birthday parties etc. If you have no experience of having children or particularly step kids and all the stuff that goes with that in particular that the pre-existing parent child package trumps the new relationship package then I don't think it is that odd or unreasonable to have just considered that you and dp come as a package now and should go together or not at all. Hopefully you now understand why in step children type situations it does not and should not work like that.

Put yourself in the child's place.

Imagine YOUR father saying to you "Yes darling I know you want me, your Dad, at your party but you see, my new girlfriend doesnt' want me to come"

Can you not see how lame and pathetic that would sound?

I also agree with those who expressed disapproval at

I am shocked by the 'he felt he had to say yes' So he would of considered not going if he wasnt put on the spot? Tbh I'm surprised he didnt just assume that he would be partaking in it.

Glad to see you've taken advice. If I was in your position I would buy a gift from you and send it along with your DP to give to his son. Be the better person.

hiya. fwiw, I don't think you're a bad person, I think you are insecure. You've no need to be - he's with you because he wants you. But he has a child, he will always have a child and you should never ever ever ask him to choose between you and his child - and asking him not to attend his child's birthday party because you can't go is doing exactly that.

It's a bugger that things are not yet at a stage where you can all put aside any feelings and be there for things like the child's party, maybe that will come later. But for now, you will just have to take a back seat because this child needs his dad and has a right to his dad.

Maybe you want to cement your position as Girlfriend, I don't know. Maybe you want him to show the ex that you come first, but if you were to ask this of him and he actually said yes, then you would be with a man who was happy to ditch his child for some woman and if you are a decent person, that would repulse you.

Vic. As a step-parent, you learn that there are times, even when the kids have grown up, when you have to step into the background.

I have been married ten years, but I didnt go to my stepdaughters wedding because of ill feeling between myself and her mother. Long story, and it is the ex who is very much in the wrong, but ultimately it was her daughters wedding, and I would not have dreamed of suggesting my husband didnt go to it. Nor did I want there to be any unpleasant scenes at the wedding. So I had the convenient excuse of having to look after our dog and MILs dog. (Wedding location was a fair distance away).