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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling stupid - offered olive branch to dh - do you think he threw it back in my face??

49 replies

abbdabb · 21/10/2011 21:50

offered olive branch.

big problems in relationship. i feel really stupid.

have been with dh for 10 years we have 2 dcs ( i have 4dcs, but 2 from prev marriage)

don't know where to start, dc4 arrived 6mths ago by emcs, big arguments started btwn dh & I.

long story short - i have to try to make it work. dh phoned my mum months ago to say i was unhinged, had pnd - i wasn't. i didn't.

I feel he went behind my back, he told my mum not to tell me. he revealed lots of bad things about our relationship that i would have prefered to have kept private - because at this time my brother was diagnosed with cancer. i felt my mum had enough to deal with.

today, after my mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer, i asked dh not to phone her with our problems - have not told him about breast cancer diag. but did say that my brother has cancer & she has enough to deal with. this is all very disjointed. i am so angry. i beared my soul & dh said i was:

'being strange'

that's it. no - i'm sorry you brother has cancer. it's so cold. he prides himself on having such a close & warm family. sorry, there is more to this. i'm in shock.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 21/10/2011 21:57

Hello Abbdabb, I couldn't read and not post.
I'm so sorry about the health problems in your family, it must be very stressfull for you.

It seems as though you feel wedged into a corner by your situation.

Your dh appears to have a hidden agenda trying to encourage your family to view you as different to how you are.
Is it a smoke screen to cover something up or is he just massaging his own esteem by reducing yours?

Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 22:06

thank you childofIsis.
I just couldn't believe that i beared my soul to him & i was met with coldness.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 21/10/2011 22:12

It isn't easy to understand other people's reactions.
It does seem as though he's hiding behind a mask of sorts though.

It's clear he's attempting to undermine you.

What do you want to happen now?

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:13

What kind of man phones his partner's mother to whinge about her - and does it behind her back at a time when his partner's family including her mother is dealing with the news of her brother's cancer diagnosis?

If anyone's unhinged here it ain't you or any of your family, honey.

As for 'being strange' you aren't, but he is.

Tell the insensitive twat to grow up and stop visiting his problems on any of your family members.

For 'close and warm family' substitute 'in each other's pockets' and 'no boundaries'.

Olive branch? Metaphorically speaking, he needs a bloody good whack round the head with one - or a poke in the eye with a short sharp stick. Tell the twat that if he breaks your confidence again, he can take himself back to his 'close and warm' family.

I'm so very sorry to learn of your brother's and, now, your mother's diagnosis. They need all the support and practical help they can get and you need support too so that you can be strong for them.

If you can't get the support you need from your dp you'll find it here.

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 22:14

But you haven't have you? YOu have kept your brother's cancer and now your mother's secret.

Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 22:24

thank you, izzy.
am feeling a bit yuck & need a kick up the backside.

I just cannot believe that i told him that my brother has cancer. was hoping for some sympathy. i know i won't get that now

i need the tools to cope with dealing with that & bringing up my children ... help!

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 22:26

yes, five, it has been a secret

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 22:28

have been on mn for years, name changed several times, basically due to being so ashamed of my life/situation.

will rant in a mo - feel free to ignore

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:31

Seems like the closeness and warmness of his family either hasn't rubbed off on him or doesn't extend to outsiders.

There's no point playing the pity card; you need to work on the real issues that are adversely affecting your relationship with him. Maybe he just isn't the man you once thought he was?

perfumedlife · 21/10/2011 22:39

I'm a bit confused op. Did you only tell him today of your brother's cancer to ask him to stop confiding in your mother? Wondering why you didn't share this news with him before, or the sad news about your mother's health? Have things been so bad between you these past months that you don't talk about these type of issues? If so, am wondering how much of your soul you actually did bare to him today.

lydiamama · 21/10/2011 22:43

Abbdabb you are dealing with a lot hereSad. It is just normal you are having problems in your relationship. You have kept to yourself very big bad news, and without even you noticing, your partner will notice, will see that you act differently, are sad, thoughtfull, will sense something is not how it should be, so things like him talking to your mum can happen, and his cold reaction to you telling him maybe because he feels disapointed you did not tell him in the first place. You have a very young baby too, what always brings tensions and tirednessSad But something must be missing between you two if when you get the news that your brother is so ill, you do not look for comfort in your husband's arms??? There is a lack of communication, very deep indeed, isn't it?

Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 22:54

yes, perfumedlife, was today. I have known for months about my brother. i didn't say anything because i knew how he would react - i wasn't ready or strong enough until today. I'm a tough nut - anniversary of my dads death (15 yrs)- in a very strange way it has given me strength. but i am shocked by DHs non reaction.

lydia - no comfort from DH.

that's what i'm so shocked about - i have kept this to myself for months, and now, nothing, he has gone home. it's so cold.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:59

he's gone home Do you mean he's left you or he's gone for the night/weekend?

perfumedlife · 21/10/2011 23:00

Does sound like he has switched off. When you say he has gone home, has he left you somewhere? You do live together still, yes?

Sorry about your dad, you sound like you have so much to deal with right now Sad

Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 23:02

I married someone who told me he is emotional, kind, caring. I never had that before.

Someone who now tells me that i am not in receipt of the kind, caring, emotion because of what I am like. I can't understand it. It is me, isn't it? I am at fault. wierd thing is, no one has ever said that to me before - that it is me

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 23:03

the going home thing - we live in seperate houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 23:10

I am bad, though, he turns up in the morning & i don't kiss him, I know he expects it. thing is - all i think of is, is the fact that he came out with a racist insult a few weeks ago, i know i should forgive & forget, but where do you draw the line? it was supposed to be funny.

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 23:11

will start another thread

OP posts:
auschopper · 21/10/2011 23:16

Is it possible that he talked to your mum because he was concerned about you, and didn't know of any other way to go about it, because he was so emotionally involved in everything?

Why would you keep those types of things secret, and then automatically assume that he would be sensitive about them, or magically know about them. At the end of the day, I think he is most probably concerned about you, if he didn't care about you, then why would he bother talking to your mum? It isn't to say that you have a problem, or you don't, it is all about perception and he most probably thinks that you need help of some kind, and those type of actions don't generally occur if the partner doesn't care.

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 23:19

U think you need to look to yourself and ask yourself why you didn't feel that you could tell him about your brother and now your mother. I know that I could never do that to my DH. I am also wondering that when he spoke to your mother perhaps he as asking for help and advice on you from someone who knows you.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 21/10/2011 23:24

Abbdab, I have read some of your other threads, your poor woman.

But, did you really expect any empathy from your partner? I dont think he is capable of care and empathy. I am sorry. And it is not you. It is him.

I am sorry to hear about your brother and your mum.

Kayano · 21/10/2011 23:28

I don't see how only telling him of brothers cancer now, asking him not to call your mother while keeping her cancer secret from him also can be classed as an 'olive branch' and 'baring your soul'

I think in all honesty the pair of you need to sit down and have a very long talk about these issues and both be honest with each other about your feelings and what's going on Sad

piprabbit · 21/10/2011 23:29

Reading your OP it sounds as though your DH was unaware of your brother's illness when he spoke to your mum. Is that right?

Perhaps your DH is struggling to understand why you have kept something so important from him - perhaps that is what he finds strange about the situation.

You are also keeping your mum's illness a secret for the time being?

Perhaps he just wants you to have the help and support he believes (rightly or wrongly) you need? And was a bit shocked that you only told him about your brother in an attempt to stop your DH speaking to your mum.

I know you've told us that you feel you have bared your soul to him - but your OP does sound a little as though you weren't trying to involve him and ask for his support and help but instead were trying to distance him further from your family and your own problems.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 23:30

abbdab it's best to stay on one post.

I haven't read any other posts you've written but I've read enough to know that this man is fucking with your head.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 21/10/2011 23:31

If he was drunk when you told him, he may not have been able to take it in properly.