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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling stupid - offered olive branch to dh - do you think he threw it back in my face??

49 replies

abbdabb · 21/10/2011 21:50

offered olive branch.

big problems in relationship. i feel really stupid.

have been with dh for 10 years we have 2 dcs ( i have 4dcs, but 2 from prev marriage)

don't know where to start, dc4 arrived 6mths ago by emcs, big arguments started btwn dh & I.

long story short - i have to try to make it work. dh phoned my mum months ago to say i was unhinged, had pnd - i wasn't. i didn't.

I feel he went behind my back, he told my mum not to tell me. he revealed lots of bad things about our relationship that i would have prefered to have kept private - because at this time my brother was diagnosed with cancer. i felt my mum had enough to deal with.

today, after my mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer, i asked dh not to phone her with our problems - have not told him about breast cancer diag. but did say that my brother has cancer & she has enough to deal with. this is all very disjointed. i am so angry. i beared my soul & dh said i was:

'being strange'

that's it. no - i'm sorry you brother has cancer. it's so cold. he prides himself on having such a close & warm family. sorry, there is more to this. i'm in shock.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 21/10/2011 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abbdabb · 21/10/2011 23:48

thank you for the replies.

bit desperate at the moment. didn't want to go here, but going down a horrid route (anorexia history) will get back when i can

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 22/10/2011 00:10

yes, he is probably just concerned about me.

It's me.

I have probably mis read a lot of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 22/10/2011 00:19

an example of what dh is like:

when my birth mother died dh complained that we had only had sex 4 times that week - i was pregnant, bleeding & told baby may have a syndrome incompatible with life only days before. dh complained he wasn't getting enough sex.

he is not the most sympathetic person.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 22/10/2011 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 01:49

I diagnosed 'insensitive twat syndrome' on page 1 and I've now revised my diagnosis to 'insensitive twunt syndrome' for which, given his age, there is no cure.

I stand by my assertion that he's fucking with your head and you're best advised to tell him to go fuck his own head and leave yours alone.

No-one needs a man like him in their lives, honey, and that applies to you and to your dc.

auschopper · 22/10/2011 02:27

To me it could be a problem with communication. I certainly wouldn't like to have information held from me, it does make me wonder what other information was held back, and the reasons for holding that information back. Did he know that your birth mother had died and the possibility of a syndrome child? I know it might be a stupid question, but given that he didn't know about your mum and brother, it might be important to share these things.

I do hope that your mum and your brother are ok. It is pretty sad to get that sort of news.

Izzy : Geez, that is a bit harsh...

beatenbyayellowskull · 22/10/2011 09:34

I haven't read your other threads, but from what you've told me your H is being an utter self absorbed prick. He is not treating you as you should be treated.

But I do have to wonder why you haven't/can't be honest with him about your mother (and your brother, up til now). You mentioned that you weren't strong enough. You shouldn't need to be strong enough to cope with a reaction to this sort of news. He should be supporting you.

I don't have quite enough information, but I'm suspecting that this man is a cunt of the highest order. He potentially sounds abusive. Phoning your family behind your back is undermining and attempting to cut you off from them. It's not normal, and it's not ok.

garlicBreathZombie · 22/10/2011 10:40

I've only read your posts on this thread. It's NOT you. It's him. It's all him. When he said he was kind, caring, etc, that may have been wishful thinking or projection, but it wasn't true. (I can tell you I'm rich, but I still won't be able to buy you a new car!!)

You must be rocked to the core by everything bad that's happening in your life. I do feel you ought to talk to your doctor, HV if you have one, and maybe Womens Aid to see if they can help.

You need support at the moment; anyone would. I can see why you wouldn't want to share all your woes with your H, he'll just make it all about him won't he? Please reach out for help. It is there.

Original poster
abbdabb · 22/10/2011 11:34

thank you so much for your posts.

I don't know why I didn't tell dh about my brother straight away. Maybe because whenever anything major has happened, dh becomes more demanding which makes the situation even worse.

OP posts:
headnotheart · 22/10/2011 11:44

I find it slightly strange that he told you he was kind and caring, unless that was part of a description on a dating site, or perhaps at speed dating or somthing.

Original poster
abbdabb · 22/10/2011 11:52

strange that he told me? he's frequently telling me what he's like!

OP posts:
bellsring · 22/10/2011 11:54

OP - your birth mother dies, you are pregnant and bleeding and had just been told about your baby's possible life threatening health problem, and he winges about only have sex four times a week at that time.

Do you think he has a good heart?

headnotheart · 22/10/2011 12:01

Well because these things are usually demonstrated by actions, not told to you. Unless, say, it's in an ad or something. Everyone on there has a GSOH, don't they, according to what they say about themselves.

bellsring · 22/10/2011 12:03

Does he talk very highly of himself, then, generally?

bellsring · 22/10/2011 12:05

You know the old saying TALK IS CHEAP. And as to telling your mum a few months ago that you were UNHINGED. [hangry]

Kayano · 22/10/2011 12:52

The first post does not seem to go with your later post and I will hold my hands up now and admit I can't really understand what is going on here...

Did he know all that stuff?

Could he have approached your mother not knowing about your brother because he had genuine concerns? You mention other issues such as anorexia and said he thought you were depressed when you said no...

I think you should sit down for a long chat ASAP as it will probably get worse. I can't tell if this man is an emotionally abusive twat of the highest order Hmm or just concerned and not knowing what to do for the best iyswim.

Your later posts do worry me and I think you do need to look after no1 ATM and do what is right for you x

babyhammock · 22/10/2011 13:30

Its not you, its most definately him..
I'm not suprised you don't want to confide in him. I wouldn't!

As for slagging you off to your mum. Cos that's what he did. What an arse
He is a nasty piece of work and he will continue to make you feel like shit if you stay.
You're flogging a dead horse.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 14:15

Harsh it may be but the truth is often unpalatable to some auschopper.

I don't know why I didn't tell dh about my brother straight away You do know why, honey. You didn't tell him because, as garlic has said, it's all about HIM isn't it?

He'll twist everything so that he's centre stage because he's a sociopath.

he is probably just concerned about me Make no mistake; the only person he's concerned about is himself.

bellsring · 22/10/2011 14:58

How does he usually react when you offer him an olive branch? Does he offer you olive branches too?

Is it possible to sit down and have an honest conversation between the two of you?

MoaninMinny · 22/10/2011 15:25

why does he think you may have pnd? what makes him thing you are acting strangely?

What kind of man phones his partner's mother to whinge about her

one who is worried about his wife, and doesnt know who to turn to?

heleninahandcart · 22/10/2011 17:48

This man cannot stand anything that gets in the way of him being the centre of attention.

You didn't tell him about your brother because you wanted to protect yourself from what you knew would be his reaction.

He is belittling you and dismissing your feelings as the only person that counts is him. You are starting to believe his nonsense in thinking something is wrong with you.

It's not you, its HIM.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 19:07

What kind of man phones his partner's mother to whinge about her

One who doesn't honestly try to help his oh, minny.

One who can't bear to think that any one else, even one of her own relatives, may believe his oh.

One who will do anything in his power to poison the minds of others against her.

One who needs to make sure that even matters of death and birth, and the critical illness of others, are all about him.

One who can't stand not to be centre stage.

One who validates himself by pulling the strings of others.

In short, a classic common and garden sociopath of the everyday variety.

Kayano · 22/10/2011 19:28

I have spoken to DH mother before regarding some relationship advice when I was worried about him.

I don't think I'm emotionally abusive
Just looking for insight. It helped too...

However izzy I think while it might not always be the case, I agree with you here. From ops ongoing posts I have thought about this all day and something isn't sitting quite right. Ops confidence is so shaken and she seems scared to talk to him. I think there is much more to this and I think he has done a number on her now.

Op wishing you strength to deal with this

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