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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a failure if I go back home?

26 replies

MilkandWine · 21/10/2011 18:57

Don't know if this is strictly 'relationships' but not sure where else to post. I suppose it could count as my relationship with myself though![hwink]

Light-heartedness aside, I'm feeling so bloody miserable at the moment that I really could so with some feedback about what others would do if they were me.

I moved to London from the North East in July after splitting up with my DP. I have a few friends here but don't know anybody else apart from that. I'm living in my own flat and I work from home.

Trouble is I think I fell into the trap of thinking that if I moved away my life would get better (At the time I felt really miserable back at home) Instead it is just proving soooo hard that I seem to spend at least 50% of the time in or on the verge of tears. My friends are busy a lot of the time (which is fair enough they have their lives to get on with) But it means I'm alone a lot. I can't help feeling angry at them as they were all 'Move to London, it will be such fun'. Yet one of them isn't even answering my text messages and we were supposed to be going out tonight. It's getting to be a bit of a patten with her! So I'm stuck in again alone, feeling utterly miserable.

I've tried meeting men (not looking for anything serious, just to hang out with and have fun with). The first turned out to be a total flake who went on holiday with his ex and got her pregnant! The second is this guy who I liked far too much from the off. Only he has a girlfriend and is in some stupid 'open' relationship and I know I have to be sensible and not even go there. It's pathetic of me but it's really upset me. I've asked my ex to come down for the weekend and I'm paying for his ticket to do so (he's broke). I literally can't cope with the thought of another weekend with no company and I miss him so much (even though I know I'm being really weak).

So, if I go home when my lease is up in Feb does that mean I've failed? I love London and I really want to make it work but I don't know if I'm up to the task. Is it really worth all the tears, loneliness and heartache? I'm getting to the point where I feel so sad and down I can't even be proactive as my brain is all fuzzySad

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 21/10/2011 19:03

Are you hoping to get back with your ex? Not sure what you mean by talking about going home? Will it really work out - presumably giving up your job/flat, etc., in London and going back to, well, what exactly?

Sorry you are feeling so down. Sad Do you really feel that you have given it your best shot and will be happier moving again though?

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 19:03

does your "ex" live back home ?

because if you will end up back with him out of habit or to find some comfort, that wuld be really silly

why have you invited him down...and paying for him ??

oh dear

there is a reason he is your ex...and this is a backward step

however going home of itself is not a failure

going home and drifting into a relationship with an unsuitable ex most definitely is

MilkandWine · 21/10/2011 19:29

SingingTunelessly Well if I go home my friends and family are there, also my horse who I had to leave behind. I can get somewhere to rent easily enough.

I don't feel like I have given it my best shot tbh but It's really hard to do so. I really want to go out, see the city, go on nights out to see bands etc (I love to socialise) Yet my friends keep dropping me in it and it's impossible to go out alone without getting perved all over! I do go out to galleries, museums and whatnot but it get's really lonely when you are on your own. I'm trying to battle though because I do love London but it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back iyswim.

APF-I know, I know, it is utterly pathetic of me to invite him down and pay for him. I'm literally burning with shame about it and I don't think I would even dare tell any family or friends. They would murder me. I just don't seem to be able to stay away from him though. I can only sleep properly and soundly when he's with me and I feel so rudderless otherwise. Yet of course what you say about him being an ex for a reason is 100% true. I am so confused, sad and lonely that I literally don't know what to do. I've never been a very strong person and sometimes I think I'm the type who is just destined to never be happy or fulfilled. Nothing I try ever seems to work for some reason.

Maybe it's just a VERY bad time and I need to work though it?

OP posts:
PoppadumPreach · 21/10/2011 19:48

Can I be rude and ask how old you are?

I was 27 when I arrived in London. I spent around 10 years there, the first 7 as a "singleton". It is a hard, hard place to settle, and you need to give it at least a year (if you want)

Your weekends have to be worked at big time unless you have a ready-made bug group of friends (which I didn't)

You are most certainly not a failure to go home but you could persevere. The key for me was trying various new sports and finding a good club (the club/people are more important than sport, though you do need to enjoy it obviously).

I think you'll find there are thousands in the same position, only it always looks and feels like you are the only one.

If there is no future with your ex then be careful. But there is no harm or shame to summon him occasionally if you are not going to get hurt!!

Be kind to yourself. You're not a failure and if you work at it, London can be enormous fun!

Yama · 21/10/2011 19:54

Nothing wrong with not making a life for yourself in London. Most of us manage it.

Nothing wrong with shagging the wrong guy when you are young. Again, most of us manage it. And learn from it.

Please, please don't have kids with the wrong guy. That is my only advice.

MilkandWine · 21/10/2011 20:06

Not rude at all Peach But the horrifying answer is I'm 32. Not old of course but I'm aware I come across as immature for my age.

I do have friends but not many and sadly on this occasion they have totally let me down. But that's fine, it's not their job to entertain me constantly. I've been looking into going to a few 'meetup' groups but I always chicken out at the last moment. I need to bite the bullet.

Yes, I should be kinder to myself, sadly I have always been my own worst critic/enemy.

With regards to not getting hurt though, I am far too soft and I always do end up getting my heartbroken. I didn't go any further with Mr Open relationship guy because I just know I will end up falling for him if I do. I also know that if my ex turns round at some point and tells me I've met someone else I will be destroyed.

No worry of kids Yama my contraception is like Fort Knox! I would love kids but I'm not silly enough to have them under such dodgy circumstances.

Thank you for the replies folks, I'm just winging/letting off steam basically and it's very kind of you all to listen.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 20:30

aww sweetheart, you sound lovely

if I were in London, I would invite you round/go out with you

tell the ex you are uninviting him....don't go there because you feel a bit down/lonely

don't take a backward step and invite a cocklodger into your life

it's best to be alone than be used really

go home if you wish...but make sure it's for the right reasons

you are entitled to live where you like...but keep moving forwards

SirSugar · 21/10/2011 20:42

What area do you live in? I'm In SE19, there are good local forums around the SE which can give you information on local clubs, music events.

You could get on an evening course as a way of meeting new people, you can buy a guide at the newsagents.

Don't give up yet you've only been here a few months. Is there any way you can do some of your work in a local cafe, you can get to know people that way. I find if you are out and about in an area you do get to meet the same people regularly and I've lived in several areas of London

MilkandWine · 21/10/2011 22:42

Thankyou for the kind words APF . If you were in London I would be round like a shot[hsmile]

Too late to uninvite the ex, he is on the train as I type. It probably wasn't my finest hour when I invited him. You are right about trying to move forwards. Sometimes when everything is terrifying and unfamiliar it is easier to be weak and fall back on what you know. I'm fully aware of the flaws in my reasoning though, at least I have a bit of insight I guess.

SirSugar I live in Camden. It makes it almost worse when you have nobody to spend time with and the whole world is partying outside your window (or it seems like it anyway)
I do go to the Cafe to work sometimes as it happens. The staff say hello to me now (in their own surly manner)
I will definitely look into doing some courses. Silly question but what guides can you get? Or would it be better to look on internet?

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 22/10/2011 03:17

I remember your previous posts (especially your horse)!

I don't think it's a failure at all to admit to yourself that something isn't for you. In my past I have made "mistakes" that I felt very guilty/ ashamed of at the time - e.g., big life commitments that then weren't working out - but in retrospect actually feel grateful for the learning experience and proud of myself for being able to recognise when something wasn't for me, and being able to back out quickly instead of persevering due to misguided feelings of shame/ guilt/ obligation/ duty.

From the sounds of it, you are very much a "people person" - you need relationships, friends around you, company, an intimate relationship. Egged on by others, you decided to make the move to London, perhaps without realising what that would actually entail and being caught up more in the fantasy of living in London, rather than considering the practical reality. Only in moving to London have you realised what you've lost, which you may previously have taken for granted - i.e., your loved ones and your established support network. Now you are worried about "losing face" by returning quite quickly to your home town.

I think it would help you to write down the things that make you happy/ fulfilled. Is it close relationships, time with your horse, or partying/ art galleries, etc.? Then consider which of these "happiness needs" you can meet living at home versus living in London. You can meet certain needs without having to live in the location where they are most prevalent (e.g., meet the need for attending art galleries through holidays/ day trips, rather than living amongst art galleries). It may also help to complete a 2x2 table listing the pros and cons of each decision - "moving back home" versus "staying in London". Look at where the most meaningful pros/ cons lie, and evaluate whether for one decision there may be a huge list of pros and not that many cons, for example.

Ultimately I think it's important for you to learn (if you haven't already) that happiness is not about your environment/ circumstances - it is your personal, internal responsibility. In order to be happier I don't think you can look to your surroundings (though they help) - I think you need to focus on things like developing yourself as a person, learning to be comfortable with who you are when others are not around, identifying your interests/ skills and developing these, trying to address any personality weaknesses, etc. But I think good relationships are also very important for contentment/ fulfillment. There is nothing wrong with you and you are not "one of those people who is destined never to be happy" - there is no "destiny" here, only personal responsibility (in my opinion), but you shouldn't feel bad about who you are or what choices you need to make in order to feel most happy. Don't be seduced by "the London dream" or whatever if it's just not for you. It's not for me, for example - I value my relationships too much and will likely always live in my small-ish home town because my loved ones are most important.

I know a girl from school who always attributed her unhappiness to her surroundings ("once I leave school I'll be happy", "once I change uni courses I'll be happy", "once I change careers I'll be happy", etc.). She's made a lot of changes and she's still not happy. Changing your environment doesn't change your mental state/ way of thinking/ mental health/ happiness - only you can change that, through hard work!

spiderslegs · 22/10/2011 03:47

Milk How old are you?

I moved to London after I split from the big love & all my friends were in London, it ended miserably & with a phonecall to a friend saying 'I'm coming back'.

I hated it, I hated him, I hated all the friends I thought I had there, I felt like I'd scuttled back with my tail between my legs.

As Pigglesworth says, it's not about where you are, it's about who you are.

You can't run away from yourself.

However 15 years & many tribulations later I'm doing pretty fucking well, I now look at those bastards & piss on them from a great height, so many of the people who derided me for going back have not progressed at all. Do what is right for YOU, NOW.

Conversely, those who were really my friends then are still my friends now.

FellatioNelson · 22/10/2011 04:10

If you work from home a lot then that might be the problem! A young girl about town should not be holed up all week indoors on her own. I know it's a really naff cliche, but seriously, you should look into joining some clubs or evening classes, or take up a hobby where you will meet lots of like-minded people.

Maybe your friend feels that she can't be responsible for looking after you all the time? You need to be less reliant on her and find new people.

Having said that, I also agree with spiderslegs. There is no shame in going back to the NE if you were happier there, but don't go back to your ex out of fear or habit.

garlicBreathZombie · 22/10/2011 08:05

Yeah, the cliche about joining things really holds true in London, especially as you haven't got a ready-made network through work. You're free to live wherever you like, of course, you're a grown-up! But if you love London as you say, three months isn't giving it or yourself a fair chance imho.

I first moved there from the North-East. I'd been really impressed by everyone's instant friendliness in the Toon. After a while I found out that people dahn sarf may be more circumspect about who they spend their free time with, but make more steadfast friends when you get to know them. That's a humungous generalisation, of course, just thought you might make sense of it!

Get Time Out. Go to whatever appeals, keep going if you like it. Be a lot bit more selfish. Cancel the ex. Good luck and stay in touch!

Do you fancy turning this thread into a kind of diary for your mission to become a happy Londoner? No shame if it doesn't work out; I just thought you might enjoy documenting your experiment :)

sqweegiebeckenheim · 22/10/2011 10:20

London is the most scaldingly lonely place to be if you are unhappy in your own head. I used to live in Camden, and yep, it looked like the whole world was having a party outside my door. It really does take time to build networks of friends here, but once you do it's a great place to be.

Hotcourses is a great guide to finding evening classes and courses.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 14:39

I remember you! Weren't you in love with someone who was in a band and living with someone else? How do you feel about him, now?

I think you shouldn't be alone in the day. What sort of job do you do? Are you self employed?

Why don't you go all out for a month and make a huge effort to meet new people? You really don't want to hang on to ex boyfriends - there's a reason he's an ex, isn't there?

You wouldn't be a failure if you went back, but you'd be silly not to do everything you could to make the most of London.

QuietTiger · 22/10/2011 16:32

I know how you feel - it took me a good 2 years to get comfortable living in London when i moved there. Is there any way you could move your horse down to London and find a livery yard for him? Not only would it give you a means of getting out of the house, but if he went to a busy livery yard, it would be an instant social life and at the very least, would give you an interest that means you're not stuck indoors waiting for your friends.

Also, I don't know if it helps, but SPICE is a good organisation for single people wanting to get out and meet new people and have fun. Found here -spice It's a group i found incredibly useful when I was looking to make new friends - they have days away and all sorts.

It will get better. :)

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 00:29

The best bit of advice I can give you is to get a job in a local pub, even just a couple of evenings a week. That way you have a social life, and you meet people, customers and staff. And you get to earn a bit of extra cash too! On your nights off, you can go to the pub, you will know people in there, and you will soon find you have a much bigger social life.

I moved down to London from Lancashire 14 years ago. It takes a while but you can make it your home.

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 00:32

That is superb advice, Squeaky! All problems solved in one fell swoop :)

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 00:39

It definately worked for me.. I married the pub managers best mate! Grin

I didnt know anyone when I moved down here other than my workmate who I was house sharing with, and the nature of our job meant we were working all over the country during the week, but weekends my housemate went back up North to see family.. so I was on my own. I was 28 then, and I felt exactly like the Op for a while. I would go to gigs on my own, (still do) but I did need to make friends and its bloody hard when you are in such a big city.

yellowraincoat · 23/10/2011 00:44

I've been in London for 2 years and I'm still finding it hard. I have some friends, but people can be a bit useless here (me too sometimes).

Think about leaving all the time. There is so much great stuff here, but it has more than its share of wankers and it's so hard to meet nice people.

Think you just need to join clubs and KEEP GOING. Even if you don't meet people straight away, keep at it.

Apparently "stitch n bitch", the knitting groups, are very friendly.

MilkandWine · 23/10/2011 00:51

Hi everyone.

Don't have time to answer properly as it's very late and I've been out all day. Just to say wow, thank you for all the lovely, kind and helpful replies. It is so appreciated, I can't tell you.
Will reply more in depth tomorrow, just didn't want everyone thinking I had rudely abandoned the thread!

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 25/10/2011 11:18

Hope you had fun on Sunday! :) Look forward to your update.

garlicBreathZombie · 25/10/2011 15:22

Me, too. How's tricks, Milk?

Pigglesworth · 05/11/2011 04:24
Dozer · 05/11/2011 06:04

Really hope the OP has not got back with her dweebie ex.

oP, have been there in london, for a couple of years it was like that, and going back up north may be a plan, but try to stay til y get a job lined up.

In the meantime, continue to try to meet people, join things, not just think about it. The city lit in covent garden is friendly and lots of courses.

Also, if you n"need" yr ex to sleep well, feel ok, then there's a big problem. The solution is not to get back with him, unless you really love him.

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