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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me from interfering with Dp's brother

35 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:26

I am posting this on here as everytime i discuss it with dp it ends in an arguement and we cannot discuss it anymore.

We were told by dp's bro that he is gay, about 4mths ago, he is 31 and only got married last year. His wife is lovely they have a lot in common but she is a lot older.

Anyway my dp's reaction to his announcing he was gay was supportive, but he suggested counselling and etc with his wife and they did go ahead with this, his bro felt none the wiser about how he felt so moved back in with dp's parents, he only moved out last year. They were told by him he thinks he gay and were supportive (now this is a family which don't like open dicussion so I think supportive in the fact that they allowed him back into the family home and didn't ask questions)

Now after a few nights at home he decides that he isn't gay and has made a big mistake so goes back to his wife.

Well I saw on facebook (its always facebook isn't it) that he has been hanging out ( coffees, night out at the pub) with a yound guy who is transgender just recently.

Now does that sound like a guy who is gay ? or not ?

I think we are just confused as to if he had the chance to come out and didn't, why ? Anyway, rant over

OP posts:
bejeezus · 21/10/2011 14:30

maybe he is thinking he might be transgender? and attracted to women therefore not gay?

fuzzynavel · 21/10/2011 14:35

Maybe he's bisexual?

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:37

well yeah bejeezus, I think he certainly has crossdressed which is why the whole thing came up, his wife was trying to tell him crossdressing doesn't make him gay

but she isn't happy about him crossdressing and certainly not wanting to become a woman so if he is, he's still decieving her in wanting to continue the relationship

its the deciet not the intentions that upset me if you understand ?

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:38

but fuzzynavel, he should still be working on repairing his marriage not hanging out with attractive young guys

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:39

i think his wife wants desperately for it to work :(

OP posts:
pollyblue · 21/10/2011 14:40

He sounds confused - Maybe he still loves his wife but isn't quite sure how he loves her, perhaps he's scared of hurting her/being single again - lots of reasons. It can take someone a long time to decide which way they swing, if they ever feel complete certainty. It's often never that cut and dried.

TBH I would advise you not to stick your oar in - he obviously knows he has family support, but it's really something he needs to work out for himself.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:43

I know pollyblue thats why I came on here, I am not saying what I think to anyone, his wife, family etc

I can just see this carrying on and on and to be honest I think its unfair to do that to someone don't you think ?

OP posts:
bejeezus · 21/10/2011 14:45

yeah- i wouldnt call it deceipt yet. if he left her once he is obviously prepared not to live a lie. she knows what the score is by the sound of it?

pollyblue · 21/10/2011 14:46

Yes I do see your point, but what can you do about it? He can't be forced to make a decision, even if his indecision is causing people upset.

If you tackle him about it you might end up falling out, and i guess neither you or your DH would want that? You're stuck between a rock and a hard place i think.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:48

she just thought that he must be wrong, as he still wanted to sleep with her

shes just taking it on face value I guess as her son is gay ( she has two sons in their twenties) and so there isn't an issue with that

but you know when you can see someone clearly not doing the right thing I just feel bad for her

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 14:49

yeah i don't want to upset his family

I come from a family of confronters !! I just want to have it out and sort it out but thats not how they do things

OP posts:
catsrus · 21/10/2011 14:51

The stigma of being gay really has not diminished for some people (often due to family dynamics) so it may be that he has never allowed himself to question his own sexuality.

He needs all the support he can get from friends and those who love him. This is an incredibly hard time for him - tbh you do not sound like a friend at all so my advice is to keep out of it. Having opinions about what he should be doing just shows you have your own prejudices to deal with - what he should be doing is working out, with his wife, what the situation is and how they are going to handle it. For this they need nothing more than knowing you will support them no matter what they decided.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 21/10/2011 14:52

Yes you need to back out of this. In the end, he has to work it out in his own time - he may be gay, he may want to be a woman, he may be bisexual, he may enjoy cross-dressing but be straight - he needs to work it out for himself. His wife would obviously like him to do it quickly - there is nothing worse than hanging on waiting for someone to make their minds up about anything, and something this major is very hard indeed - but he needs the time and space to do it properly or it's only going to be harder on everyone in the long run.

If he's trying to make his marriage work though, he shouldn't be hanging out in places that are going to jeopardise that - but he does need to see a counsellor with experience in these areas.

Perhaps you should forward him this link to see if he can find an appropriate counsellor to help him work through his stuff.

And then leave him to it.

bejeezus · 21/10/2011 14:52

its not really your place.

you have no loyalty to her-priority is your dhs relationship/loyalty to his brother? you could damage that by interfering i think

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 15:11

Why are you arguing with your dp over this, or feeling the need to rant about it?

It's between him and his wife; he may be gay, straight, bi, or transgender. It's nobody else's business but theirs.

Just be there to lend a sympathetic ear if he or his wife want to talk and pick up any pieces when/if the bomb falls.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 15:26

I think I feel angry about it because hes treating people badly, I see a woman being treated with total disrespect

but yeah as i said I came on here so I don't say all this stuff to dp and his family

Thzumbazombiewitch you hit the nail on the head he is supposed to be working on his marriage and so shouldn't be hanging out with peole who aren't friends of his marriage

But don't worry and thank you for all the advice, I am not interfering, I haven't said anything to anyone, nor will I. I am just having a rant on here.

Its really good to hear others opinions

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 15:30

We don't argue as such but when Dp he sees him behaving badly he gets annoyed but it too worried to say anything to his bro as he has a very short temper

I just say let him shout but you can still tell someone you think they are being a jerkoff

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 15:35

Rant away anytime -that's what this site is here for.

My only concern is that you may be in danger of allowing it to cause arguments between you and your dp, which is pointless because nothing you can say or do will affect the eventual outcome if he does, turning the word around, come out permanently.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 21/10/2011 15:39

that is so true, I need to totally stop mentioning it. I feel quite cleansed from discussing it on here today

Dp is very patient and it is not his fault that his bro is behaving like this. I think he has always felt responsible for his brother

he prob will come out permenantly sometime I just wonder why he doesn't want to do it now and why torture his wife

OP posts:
catsrus · 21/10/2011 16:42

he isn't torturing his wife ffs! he's struggling to come to terms with his sexuality!

Do you think he WANTS to be gay? will his life be so much easier if he's gay? will his family love him more? will he be more likely to get a great job? will he never get mugged or beaten up because being gay protects him? will he never have to put up with lame jokes about his sexuality? will he, as a gay man, feel safer walking down the street hand in hand with his male partner than he would with his wife?

get real OP - this is a HUGE thing for him to come to terms with, all his life he will have heard "gay jokes" and heard the word 'gay' being used as an insult. IF he had any inkling he might be gay he would have done his very best to bury it deep down because society STILL is not accepting of it. Just start listening to the world around you - try to listen as though YOU were gay and see how it sounds then. I've known 2 young men kill themselves rather than come out to their 'nice' families because they didn't believe their family would REALLY still love them if they knew they were gay.

Those of us who don't think that being gay is such a big deal are not the ones who have to deal with this reality - that there are still plenty of people who think it's wrong and something to be ashamed of - and they have no hesitation in making that known.

confidence · 22/10/2011 00:49

Er, sorry to appear disingenuous but:

Isn't it possible he just happens to have a friend who is transexual? And that it says nothing about whether he's gay, straight or anything else?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 22/10/2011 01:47

Unfortunately, if he comes from a family of homophobic mundanes he is going to be having a diabolical time of it because he almost certainly does have a minority sexual orientation whether that's gay, bi or transgender, and all the mundanes are going to be sympathetic on the surface while pressuring him relentlessly to STFU and act 'normal' ie heteromonogamous. If you can't overcome your own heteronormative tendencies, do the poor man the favour of keeping your beak out.

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 01:59

I agree - don't get involved. I suspect he doesn't know himself or isn't sure - wanting him to come out isn't going to be helpful if he isn't closeted in the first place. Be patient! And be supportive to both him and his wife. Don't speculate about who he is friends with.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 02:23

Given that he came out to the OP and her dp a few months ago, confidence, and that he's now back with his wife but hanging around clubs and pubs with a young transgendered guy, I suspect you are being a tad disingenuous.

It may be, OP, that he tried 'gay' on for size, so to speak, in front of you because he may see straightforward homosexuality or 'gaydom' as somewhat more socially acceptable than transgender, transvestite, or transexual.

In any event, there is no point in idle speculation as only he has the ability to resolve any issues he may have and, regardless of sexual orientation, he will always be your dp's sibling and should be loved, accepted, and respected for him/herself.

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 09:03

It all sounds quite sad and screwed up. Anger seems an inappropriate emotion for you to have here and I wonder if that's due to stuff in your own past you're inappropriately projecting onto this situation.
Your BIL sounds bisexual to some degree and hasn't worked out the extent yet. The same is true for alot of people.
I would leave him and his wife to it. His wife can stay with him or leave depending on how much she feels the marriage can work. She will have a much better idea of how their marriage is working than you will so I'm not sure why you feel she is being treated so appallingly. She has as much control over the future of this marriage as her husband.