Soo long, soo sorry :) men are creeps

[Bobits]

Hi, am new here, although have been reading the boards for awhile.

Unsure as to what Im asking, perhaps affirmation that Im doing the right thing?

Any feedback would be welcome!

Sorry if this gets long, will try to put it into order...

As stated in title Ive just had dd2 - 10 weeks and perfect!
dp of 2.5 years and I moved in together 6 months ago with my 5yr old ds1(previous relationship) Tough for us as DP has no kids and im mid pregnant. He has always been great for ds1. I was finding he wasnt pulling his weight and seemed withdrawn. He was finding the lack of time and space difficult.

I never had a problem with dp watching porn. Until I discovered at 7 1/2 months pregnant he was going onto live webcam sites to 'watch' while he pleasured himself. Totally crossing a boundary for me. (Before even potentially chatting and spending our money).
When confronted was told 'your angry cos im having a wank' & 'its not like we're doing any thing anyway' (not my choice, but because I have a baby bump and he finds it ackward!)
Was utturly shocked at his reaction, not so much the act. But talked it through, explained how i felt hurt and why. Thought he got it but caught him again a week later. This was denied and just put down to watching a 'random porn video' so i ignored the sneaking in and deceitfulness I think because I was in a vulnerable place and wasnt sure if I was being hormonal and over-emotional. It got me thinking about us, about his behaviours & withdrawal or failure to communicate.

We moved on but I couldn't quite let go of what happened. Anyway we had our lovely DD2 and at when she was 6 weeks i ended our relationship.
Mainly because of communication problems. I would raise a problem (money, housework,) dp would input nothing, i was left feeling like there was no point talking to him and things deteriorated.
And because of the webcam thing. How that had panned out the trust in out relationship was destroyed. As he still continued to use porn this also didnt help. Going off to the toilet to have a wank with your phone while your partner is bfing a 5 day old isnt normal is it. Is it just me or does that show a total lack of empathy?

I took dp back after a week because He seemed to show genuine remore and realised how he hurt, disrespected and devalued me as a person and a woman. (I hoped, not because he was caught out and lost out on a happy family).

We 'both' talked more, i thought, identified our problems and that they needed work. Came to the conclusion he (may)has a porn addiction/ unhealthy relationship with porn and that he would have to stop using it.
I tried to start again to rebuild the trust, letting him know it had to be earned but if he was prepared to put the work in i would give him another proper chance.

Sadly, i had suspicions, all denied of course. I could be over sensitive and mistrusting but with good reason. I checked his fone 2nite and found a twitter feed with girls pics on it. Not a big deal, but given where we are - out of line. When I confronted him - he had NOTHING to say. So I handed him a bag

Thanks all, for your different thoughts and viewpionts.
It has been realy helpful in working through my thoughts and emotions.
Its nice to know, whether right or wrong, im allowed to be felling as i am.

Meth - Thankyou for clarifying something for me. I didn't realise dp could 'train us' as he is so passive. I see what you mean about withdrawing having a similar effect as it causes me to change my behaviour to please him. A bit like a sulking child?

Con - Im glad you appreciate it isn't as simple as porn is bad, it is far more complicated.
As I said before the problem is:
There is so much conflict though. If he has a problem with porn he most likely wont find it easy to stop without proper guidance. But if he is honest with me we are over and he feels he needs to lie.

The bloody web-cam was nothing. It just opened a can of worms.

He isn't at a place where he is ready to 'fully' accept why he uses porn is a problem. I can only take him so far.

And I am not strong enough see him through this by his side because what he does hurts me so much.

Meth and Con - I think your both spot on, you just see different sides to the whole picture. Meth, you have picked up on the emotional cause and con you have picked up on the effect of this i.e. his porn use.

I think you've worked out that actually, it is better to be on your own than with a man who lies and denies you a sex life. I think you also realise that despite some of the nonsense that gets posted on here, there are men who just aren't like this and who respect women. Well done and don't look back .

Yes, exactly like a sulking child. The sulk is there, hanging over you even if you give a time out and you find yourself wondering if it's realistic to plan on heading out for the grocery shopping with the child in tow.

I think one of the ways to assess whether a habit is an addiction is to gauge whether it interferes with RL relationships and in this case it I think it does. Whether anyone can deal with an addiction but have the odd 'tipple' occasionally is debatable. Addiction is not cured by someone else getting strict, imposing bans, etc. The desire to turn things around has to come from the addict him/herself. I think that's where a large part of the sense of hurt comes from, the realisation that the person you love is casting your love and the potential of the relationship aside in favour of the habit.

'He isn't at a place where he is ready to 'fully' accept why he uses porn is a problem. I can only take him so far.
And I am not strong enough see him through this by his side because what he does hurts me so much.'
'It hurts me so much' really should equal 'No porn then'.
OP, you are right to see that disengagement is your only option here both for your sake and maybe even for his too. It takes strength to back away, especially with little ones to deal with, but you seem to have plenty, and a good insight into both your own feelings and the big picture.

Am having a bad day. xdp came to visit dd2 and ds1 today. It is great that he still wants to be a part of ds1's life especially as he is not his.

Us seeing each other is so hard at the moment as all we need is distance but that isn't possible at the moment. Everything is so raw. My heart is aching.

I know its for the best, but my heart is sore - how could he walk away from our lovely little family. How could he go so easily?
Because he wanted to.
Because he didn't want what we had enough to do anything.
And that makes me so sad.

I feel lost and the only thing that would make me feel happy
Is all of us together happily.
But this will never be.
And coming to terms with that hurts.

I know thinking these things wont help,
I know it will get better in time but it still hurts now.

Trying to stay strong for my babies,
Knowing I will be seen as the one in the wrong for asking him to leave.

This is the worst time anything like this could possibly happen.

I don't think anyone is necessarily going to think you are in the wrong to make him leave. I think it would be assumed that he must have done something you absolutely could not live with to be told he had reached the end of the line at a time like this.

Who do you have to chat with or to keep you company a bit in RL?

Thanks so much.

I will be ok, just have some downs as well as ups!

I count myself lucky as I have a really supportive family in RL and great friends, however I can't share the details of whats happened - as I don't want things to be nasty or bitter for my lovely ds1 or dd2. Everyone doesn't really understand!

I going to see my GP to have a proper chat though, about 'everything' - hopefully helps!

Thanks again SO MUCH!

Take care, love x

Keep on posting. It's nice to be able to have the odd rant here if you feel you can't unburden yourself to the people around you daily. Stay strong.

Hi! Just a positive(ish) update on how were doing!
Thankyou for your support and guidance :)

We are looking foward to xmas in our house, just my two babies and me! It has been 2 months since xdp and me seperated. We are both 26 and alot of my friends are starting so families - It has been nice getting back in touch with friends, and enjoying being happy, proud of my family - the happiest i have been in all aspects of my life in a while. (Without being in a relationship I'm ashamed of).

A few things have happened since the seperation, can I ask your wise MN's opinions?

two weeks after the seperation xdp wanted back - I miss you, I want our family, I can't cuddle you, Im missing out, all I,I,I...
I told him I was sad we had mo future and he didnt value what we had when it mattered. That he couldnt give me what I need and he didnt know what he wanted.
He said he needed to talk to someone about his emotions, rejection and porn habits and hadnt done so because he was scared of finding something he didnt like or others wont like.
I told him I couldnt bear his insecurities and shortcomings if he couldnt and he couldnt use me or us to feel valed, he needs to do that for himself.

Was I being harsh?

*valued

bump :)

Was wondering if the abouve conversation was harsh,
As about a week after, my xdp was (I think) quite abusive to my son. Could it have triggered it off?

Hello again

I don't think you were harsh, i think you have it spot on

This man is a weak person

You have two children already

You don't need to carry another one and nursemaid all his anxieties and insecurities

If he cannot be the man you want him to be, without your support, then he never will be