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Original poster

Help me plan a bootcamp to heal my broken heart. I'm on day one.

37 replies

innerstrength · 20/10/2011 23:55

It has been a while since I've had to ask for help on mumsnet. I have only been with my boyfriend for a few months, but is has been lovely and amazing and magical. We have split because logistics were making it almost impossible to see each other (long distance/kids/irregular work). His decision not mine, and he is not going to change his mind.

I feel like I am falling apart.

Being with him was the loveliest thing that had happened to me in years, and I am struggling to see a way back up again. All other aspects of my life seem treadmilly, and i'm ashamed to say I don't even feel interested in my children at the moment.

I need a step by step bootcamp to heal a broken heart. Can anyone help please?

OP posts:
tranquilitygardens · 20/10/2011 23:57

What things did you enjoy doing before meeting the guy you have just broken up with?

How are finances for you?

Original poster
innerstrength · 21/10/2011 00:00

thanks for replying. finances fine - we weren't living together. I haven't stopped doing any of the things I used to enjoy beforehand - they have just all lost their appeal now.

OP posts:
tranquilitygardens · 21/10/2011 00:03

Touch is very important, so go and get a massage or your hair done, things like that where you are touched and cared for.

Original poster
innerstrength · 21/10/2011 11:48

I'm at the stage where I cannot stop sobbing and sobbing. Was just in a shop and a song was playing that reminded me of him and it felt like I was having a panic attack and I couldn't breathe properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
innerstrength · 21/10/2011 21:31

Can noone out there tell me how to help a broken heart? Still crying and crying and crying. Please tell me what makes it easier.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/10/2011 21:38

Time - you cannot fast track the grieving process.

Focus on you- why did you become so deeply attached? What is lacking for you to struggle so at being alone?

Read a self help book, cry it out, eat some chocolate, whine to a friend, write him an angry letter and get all the hurt out.

Hope you realise that this is only a crisis if you choose to view it that way. Let it be a beginning instead of an ending.

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 21:41

Time will heal you, you have to go through the grieving process first.

Take each day one day at a time, try to ensure you do do something every day that you wouldn't be doing, i.e put your face on to go to the shops. Have a relaxing bath. Play with the kids anything.

Promise in a few weeks you will feel a lot better.

cubiclejockey · 21/10/2011 21:59

I'm very sorry for your pain. As the others have said, time is your best friend in terms of healing a broken heart. I've always thought that the process of grieving can be very tedious for that exact reason.

It's also worth the reminder that if possible, you should entertain absolutely no contact with your ex. No phone calls or correspondence of any kind. If you do, it will set your healing process back for days. So stay resolute on that front.

And be kind to yourself...don't beat yourself up if you still feel crappy when you think you should be "getting over it". Remember there are good and bad days but soon the good will outweigh the bad. You will be happy again. Good luck.

FannyNil · 21/10/2011 22:32

Too late alas if your heart is already broken. Just don't get close enough to let any of them do it to you again. Because they will.

Original poster
innerstrength · 22/10/2011 12:21

Thank you for suggestions. I have bought the Paul McKenna Book "I can mend your broken heart".

Have honestly never had a breakup so painful. I realise you are all right and it is going to take a long long time, and in some ways I just have to wait it out until it feels better.

If anyone has any more suggestions I would be so so grateful. Have honestly never felt such emotional pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
innerstrength · 22/10/2011 12:22

And no - I will not be having any contact with him. He lives quite far away, which is the reason we have split. So will not bump into him or anything.

OP posts:
fizzfiend · 22/10/2011 13:18

I am coming out the other end of this. And I know exactly what you mean...everything seems so bloody mundane and even the "fun" things are dull. Music is horrible...and so are places you went together. I never thought I would be able to enjoy life again.

Yes, it will get better with time, but you can speed things up by keeping really really busy. Do not spend time pondering the what ifs and if onlys. That is just torture. I would fill empty evenings with box sets of DVDs...a movie is not enough.

And get yourself exercising like a crazy person...I had forgotten how strong those endorphins are. And don't concentrate on the good things..those rose tinted glasses are your enemy. Remember the reasons you were irritated by him.

Allow yourself the odd moments of self-pity and listen to those tracks and cry your eyes out. But then watch some really funny Youtubes etc with your kids...now that is the best. One day you will wake up and feel just that tiny bit better but you can't make it happen, just speed it along with positive thoughts, no matter how forced they feel.

Original poster
innerstrength · 22/10/2011 14:05

Thank you fizzfiend, that is really helpful to know you have come out the other side. At the moment it is hard to believe I will ever feel better. And yes, the exercising tip is good, and making the effort to look good, hair cut, make up, new clothes etc.

Although it is too early to do any of this just yet - I cannot stop crying so no point going anywhere or putting any make up on.

Have arranged for the kids to be away this weekend so I can grieve properly. Then next week I will try to make more positive plans.

OP posts:
takingbackmonday · 22/10/2011 15:04

inner - I was in your place in July. My heart was absolutely shattered (different situation - together a couple of years and living together) and for weeks I couldnt eat or sleep or do anything. Exercise has really helped - I went to the gym before but didnt during the break up and forcing myself to go despite no motivation helped so much.

Slowly it will get better. For me being in the shower was hardest because there was noone there to distract me and it took 2 months to stop crying most days. Everything lost its appeal, I just didnt have any motivation for anything at all. I'm now on a low dose of ADs (which I'm not recommending) because I was having panic attacks and slowly but surely having friends be very kind and a week in the South of France I'm coming out the end of it.

Cliche but time, keeping busy, friends, exercise, a few good nights out but not too much alcohol.

I feel your pain and i hope it gets easier for you.

Original poster
innerstrength · 22/10/2011 16:14

Thank you . I deliberately have not got any alcohol in the house cos I don't want to be tempted with that one. Got a nice friend coming round in a minute so I can sob some more.

Have started reading the Paul McKenna book and it is really helpful so far, especially the exercises where you change perspective and imagine someone else viewing your situation. Have also ordered the book bellsring recommended here. :( :( :( :( :(

OP posts:
waterrat · 22/10/2011 21:04

hello OP - it's such a horrible time isn't it.

Firstly - it's natural that your old hobbies/ interests seem dull - I found when I was heartbroken that forcing myself to do new things did help - and deliberatly doing things that meant I would meet new people. It's hard - but I even bought two tickets to a festival I'd never been to, which nobody I knew was going to - I asked around to see if anyone would come, and me and a friend went and had a brilliant time - hooked up with two lovely men and she is still with her guy three years later! I have since met someone else too - I was absolutely broken by that experience, but I am now with an amazing man - my soulmate. So I know you will come out the other side too.

Tell your friends that you would like to do some new things, go out with groups you don't normally see etc, if that's possible...

remember that - hard as this is to take on board now - if it had been right, if he had been the perfect man for you - it wouldn't have ended. There is a good and quite funny book called 'It's called a break up because it's broken' - which made me laugh and reminded me that the perfect man wouldn't leave you....you are worth real unconditional love - and you will find that.

You will get through and one day you will look back, as we all do, and see that actually he wasn't perfect.

For now, you will need time to heal you sadly - and it really will! believe it....

set yourself some goals to accomplish - climb a mountain/ cycle across scotland - plan an adventure with your kids or your friends, do some things you have always dreamed of doing, the planning will take your mind of it and will make you feel in control of your own future....

Original poster
innerstrength · 22/10/2011 21:14

Thankyou waterrat. It really helps hearing that people have come out the other side, as at the moment I can't imagine not feeling this pain. I have honestly never felt anything like it.

Just had another panic attack - had the image of him in my head again, then started thinking about him dating other women when he should be with me, and felt like I couldn't breathe :(

OP posts:
IWasTheBadOne · 23/10/2011 08:19

Op, I know what you're going through, and I will echo the others that time is really the only thing that will end the pain. For me it happened in June and I'm only just starting to see that I will get over it. For months I seemed to cry every day, mostly when I heard songs that reminded me of him, but really he took over my head so much that there was rarely a time that I wasn't thinking of him.

Last week I just finally came to a point where I didn't want to cry any more. I'm still vaguely in touch with him, as friends although he knows I'm still in love with him, and in a way that's harder because I seem to be always on edge waiting for texts, so I think no contact at all will make it easier for you, although it may not feel like it now.

Something that helped me a lot is a website called thedailylove.com

It is a bit American in its approach, but really has been a boost to me when I felt so alone and hopeless. It has some really good quotes and motivational tips.

Also, just try to remember that you are enough..you need to have the strength to make your own happiness and not depend on other people to give it to you. You shouldn't need someone else to complete you or provide your missing half. When you are happy that you can make your own happiness and you trust and let go enough not to stress about finding someone else, that's when it will happen.

(Sorry if that's too hippyish for you!)

Original poster
innerstrength · 23/10/2011 09:48

Thank you Iwasthebadone. Sorry to hear you are still suffering, and still in love with him, although good to hear it is better than it was. Yes I agree that no contact is best. And yes, my head is so full of him; I am trying to catch myself when I am replaying the memories over and over, and having deluded fantasies about him turning up and saying he made a mistake etc. They are just delusions and will not help :(

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 23/10/2011 09:51

Paul McKenna I Can Mend Your Broken Heart CD and book.

Worked for me when nothing else had.

Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 23/10/2011 09:54

I really should learn to read all the thread before posting Blush.

Original poster
innerstrength · 23/10/2011 10:04

No prob FAB. Yes the book is good. Frankly would try anything. (watery smile)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 23/10/2011 10:13

I understand that feeling. I had been trying for 18 years to get over this guy before I bought the book.

Original poster
innerstrength · 23/10/2011 10:33

18 Years!!!!!!!! You poor poor thing Fab. How are you doing with it all now?

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