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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying partner, new baby

35 replies

devuskums · 20/10/2011 22:50

Hi, I've been with my partner for 2 years, our baby is 12 weeks old. I found out when baby was 5 weeks old that my partner has a loan which he took out 5 years ago and he has another 5 years to pay. He has always implied that he is a financially secure, honest bloke. Up until I found out I thought he was a really nice man but now I feel really cheated and upset. I found out because we were going to buy a house together, he waited until we were leaving the house for the appointment with the mortgage broker before telling me about the loan. I've asked him to show me his bank account,which I know he can access online but he says he was waiting for copies of his statements. He refuses to talk about the loan and the fact that he has been lying for our entire relationship. He says he has a communication problem, which he has never had with previous partners. He has started counselling and says the problem is his and i'm not at fault in any way.

I just don't know what to do. He is happy to pretend there is nothing wrong but I am not prepared to do this so when he's at home all we talk about is the baby. He is an attentive, very interested father who dotes on the baby. I am so hurt by this situation I can barely look at him. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and if so what did they do? I'm so lonely and confused.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/10/2011 23:25

"He refuses to talk about the loan and the fact that he has been lying for our entire relationship. He says he has a communication problem"

Yes, and the communication problem is that he refuses to tell you important things, which amounts to lying to you.

If he isn't planning to change that, your relationship has no future.

"He says he has a communication problem, which he has never had with previous partners. He has started counselling and says the problem is his and i'm not at fault in any way."

Well with one breath he says you're not at fault, but with the next he strongly implies that you must be at fault, because he never had this problem before.

I'm not sure I could stay with someone who lied about money. It's pretty central to creating a stable home together.

Original poster
devuskums · 20/10/2011 23:36

He reckons he didn't think i needed to know as he was keeping up with the repayments!

OP posts:
tranquilitygardens · 20/10/2011 23:38

Secretive with money, not sharing his bank details with you, not able to communicate with you, not good at all. Poor you and poor new baby.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 20/10/2011 23:41

Has this loan adversely impacted on your ability to get a (presumably joint) mortgage and buy a flat/house?

You're entitled to ask what other loan/debts he has outstanding and, if he's reluctant to tell you, I would suggest you fear the worst and run a credit check on him.

Original poster
devuskums · 20/10/2011 23:50

We can't afford a mortgage and I wouldn't like to entwine myself financially with him in case there more debts or secrets.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 00:12

Are you saying that, up to the point you left for the appointment with a mortage broker, you were under the impression that you/he would be able to afford a mortgage?

Did you attend the meeting and, if so, did it appear that he was honestly answering the broker's questions?

Original poster
devuskums · 21/10/2011 00:16

I honestly had no idea he had 25k loan until ten mins before the appointment. I was in shock during the appointment.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 00:19

Fucking hell!!! I'm not surprised you were in shock! And he's got another 5 years of repayments to make?

Has he told you why he took out such a large loan and he disclose any others to the broker?

Original poster
devuskums · 21/10/2011 00:25

He reckons he can't really remember.where a lot of the money went, he has told me what he spent about ten k on. It's so frustrating as its obvious he does know what the rest went on but he is choosing not to tell me.
The sad thing is, before.I found out i really thought I'd found someone lovely. He has always been really attentive and affectionate and nothing has ever been too much trouble but now I don(t trust anything he says.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 00:25

He has decieved you very badly. i once had a relationship like this and it turned into financial abuse. l wasnt living with the bloke but he owed money on a £9k loan. For example he would come in the bathroom yelling at me in the shower if i was more than three mins in there saying he couldnt afford the water.
One time he borrowed his sisters car and it got broken into. He actually wanted to brush the glass off the seats and drive around in it. There were little shards though which could have cut us but he wanted to do that rather than put any money towards a taxi. When i reminded him that he would need a crime number because of insurance he got the hump. Ive posted a lot more details about this on another forum. I will see if i can find it.

carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 00:33

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving&page=5

Its post no 91 by Dark Lady which is my username on mse.

tranquilitygardens · 21/10/2011 00:42

Carernotasaint, please don't take this the wrong way, that link you gave was so funny, I am sure it was not for you experiencing it. Imodium must be more expensive than toilet roll surely?

carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 00:42

dev my ex was the same. He would refuse to discuss it but eventually told me that he had spent five grand of it on a car. Then he told me that he had spent the other four grand chatting on the phone to a woman that he liked before me even though he never got to have sex with her. Hmmm. Then i found out that it was his stepfathers car which he inherited when his stepfather died. Sorry if ive hijacked this thread. I just couldnt read what you had written and not reply.

carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 00:48

Thats ok tranquility. It is funny reading it back now,you"re right hun. I was fucking fuming at the time though.
Dev your partner needs to start being upfront with you and telling you the truth.
My ex had the audacity to moan at me saying he was hurt that i didnt trust him and then lie to me in the next breath.
What he has done would be unforgiveable in my eyes. He has been unfair to you and unfair to your child.

tranquilitygardens · 21/10/2011 00:50

How you held out till New Year after a man in his fifties shat the bed three days before Christmas, I will never know.

Original poster
devuskums · 21/10/2011 00:51

Thanks so much all of you. This is the first time I've posted anything, I didn't think anyone would reply, you all been so supportive.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 00:56

Tranqulity you just cracked me up. Made me laugh. Luckily id just put my hot choc down lol. I think i was too nice and should have ended it the same day.

tranquilitygardens · 21/10/2011 01:03

I would have dumped him for sleeping in shitty sheets alone bloody hell, he just left the shit in his sheets and them still on his bed! bloody hell!

carernotasaint · 21/10/2011 01:18

Yes he was a total twunt.

ShroudOfHamsters · 21/10/2011 12:28

Sorry it's turned out this way.

Right - you need to protect yourself, because that's how you can protect your child.

Keep yourself financially separate from him. Thank God you don't have a mortgage together.

Run a credit check on him.

Sit him down and explain in words of one syllable that this isn't a 'comunication problem' - it's out-and-out lying. And you won't accept it. No, it isn't the case that you only need to know about the repayments. If he wants to be a family with you, if he wants your relationship to survive and be good, if he wants you both to be solvent and happy, he needs to NOT keep financial secrets. He wants you to buy a house together? Then his finances are your finances and vice versa. If he can't get his head around that - he needs to prepare to split. If he wants to argue that no, he only needs to tell you what he deems necessary - then he can prepare to split, because you don't want that kind of partner.

Be honest with him that if he's going to fuck around with money, you will find out about it, and your relationship will be over. On the other hand, if he can show himself to be honest and responsible and put your child's security first, then you will support him to the hilt. That can include him asking YOU to take over the finances, perhaps - if he can't trust himself.

Be absolutely hard line now - it is worth it. Don't let this get brushed under the carpet. You can't mess around with this stuff. In the meantime, make it clear to him that for now, there's no house, there's no joint finances, and that if he wants things to move on from this AT ALL you expect to see that bank account. Or he won't see you for dust.

why5am · 21/10/2011 12:43

As well as the other useful advice on here, I think it could be really important to push him on what the money was used for. His vagueness about that is worrying. It may not be at all relevant but I mention this just because of a friend's experience where her partner turned out to have a very well hidden online gambling problem. He had hidden the debt he'd got himself into very well until the creditors came calling. She did have a joint mortgage with him and barely managed to extract herself without becoming bankrupt..

Above all else, he needs to be upfront about everything to do with this substantial loan so that you can make a judgement about the likely implications for your and your baby. Sorry you're going through this.

cenicienta · 22/10/2011 01:56

Just want to agree with previous poster that you NEED to know what the loan was for. It's a lot of money for him not to want to talk about.

I have a friend who got into debt because of her H's secret addiction to prostitutes. Of course it probably isn't that in your case but you DO need to know!

Don't want to scare you but the loan bit could just be the tip of the iceberg.

You need to know NOW why someone who considers himself to be "financially secure" would need to take out a loan for £25K.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 02:58

Is it possible that he had umpteen credit card and other debts and was able to lump them together and pay them off by taking out a £25k loan?

If so, chances are he's racking up more debts on more cards.

Is the £25k loan secured on any property or by a guarantor?

spiderslegs · 22/10/2011 03:26

Mmmm - as other posters say, you need to know;

a) Why he has a 25k loan?

b) & more importantly why the chuff did he not tell you about it?

B would be more of a worry to me, you've been together for two years, have a child, yet he only discolsed this to you when the chips were down so to speak, you say he implied to you he was financially secure, did you not know before? You've been together for two years AND HAD A CHILD, yet his finances are a mystery to you? He won't let you look at his bank accounts but he's happy to share his sperm?

Sit the man down, demand full disclosure of both of your financial accounts. Do not let him brook the issue.

Then decide.

You have a child together, I would always say try to make it work, but if you're going to share DNA you have to share all your dirty little secrets.

Talk.

carernotasaint · 22/10/2011 17:17

The ladies on here are right OP. You need to talk with him. If he remains cagey about it or stonewalls,you need to remind him that your relationship could be at stake if he carries on like this and you could gently remind him that he could end up with another bill because if you do end up splitting up,he would be at the very least financially responsible for the child youve had together. That ought to create some clarity for him.