Lying partner, new baby

[devuskums]

Hi, I've been with my partner for 2 years, our baby is 12 weeks old. I found out when baby was 5 weeks old that my partner has a loan which he took out 5 years ago and he has another 5 years to pay. He has always implied that he is a financially secure, honest bloke. Up until I found out I thought he was a really nice man but now I feel really cheated and upset. I found out because we were going to buy a house together, he waited until we were leaving the house for the appointment with the mortgage broker before telling me about the loan. I've asked him to show me his bank account,which I know he can access online but he says he was waiting for copies of his statements. He refuses to talk about the loan and the fact that he has been lying for our entire relationship. He says he has a communication problem, which he has never had with previous partners. He has started counselling and says the problem is his and i'm not at fault in any way.

I just don't know what to do. He is happy to pretend there is nothing wrong but I am not prepared to do this so when he's at home all we talk about is the baby. He is an attentive, very interested father who dotes on the baby. I am so hurt by this situation I can barely look at him. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and if so what did they do? I'm so lonely and confused.

He may well still be a lovely bloke. It may well be that he just made a bad mistake (or series thereof), got into trouble and now feels to ashamed about it to be open about it.

But I'd be more worried from a practical POV than about the significance of it to his loveliness. You simply can't afford to get into a situation where you there are VERY LARGE debts affecting you and you don't have control over them. Especially with a kid involved. The fact that he didn't tell you when preparing to apply for a mortgage, and the fact that he won't tell you fully now, means it would be suicide to enter into any shared financial commitment such as a house together. And obviously that's going to have implications for your relationship.

Even if you were to wheedle it out of him now, by threat of leaving or whatever, I'm not sure that would really solve anything. How will you know when he's told the whole truth? It sounds to me like he doesn't understand the implications of money and debt in a grown-up way, and if I were you I'd always be worried that there was some time-bomb ticking away that I didn't know about.

Save up and buy your own house, and don't let him contribute to it. If you can continue to have a relationship with him as a lodger, fine. If not, that's sad, but not as sad as being homeless and penniless in your middle age.

waiting for copies of his statements and he banks online. RED ALERT.

Cut to the chase and run a comprehensive credit check on him, honey.

Once you've got the lowdown you'll be able to have an informed sit down with him.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving&page=5

This is what my ex did to me. Your OH sounds very similar in some ways.
Its post no 91 by Dark Lady which is my username on MSE.
He would refuse to discuss things with me too. He refused to tell me how much longer there was to pay on his loan. And then sat there crying his eyes out saying he was upset that i didnt trust him. Men like this can be very manipulative. Sounds to me that he didnt want you to find this stuff out until you had commited to him. Sneaky and deceitful.

The alarm bell for me would be that he can't account for where the money went. THis suggests an addiction of some sort - probably gambling if he shows no signs of substance abuse.

Devuskums how are you and he doing now. Have you had a chance to talk?

I was married to my partner for 4 years and lived with him for some years before that during which he told me that he had very minor tax issues - which turned out to be over £60K of debt. I paid off all his debt thinking' 'an honest mistake' and that that that was the end of it.

8 years later - still married and now with 3 children I have coped with minor lies ..things that he brushes under the carpet and does't tell me but don't spell disaster (from parking tickets to court hearings) - - to major issues (from pretending to chase debts owed to him that never existed to pretending that he was still working when he had in fact lost his job)

All the lies are about him hiding his inbility to manage his money and his life. My husband is a sweet man, he's clever, well educated and kind - he bends over backwards to do the little things.. he's great with the kids..

Its the big things he's crap at and 10 years later - I look back and realize the effect ... that we are sitting in a house that we can't afford and I would never have bought but did buy - because he said there was money owing to him that did not exist,.. that I have always supported him financially - giving up any hope of being a full time mum or even a part time mum and... stretching before me all I see is a life of supporting him through the retraining that he is supposedly doing because he lost his job through his dishonesty to his employers, and through his old age because he does not have the pension that he said he would never need ..

... and so ... don't leave it late like I have but see what kind of relationship you have for what it is.

The question I ask myself is - 'would I be capable of hiding so much? If not - why not?'

Answer:
Because it is not a partnership where one of you lies .
Because it is not respectful to lie .
Because I could not look someone in the eye who I loved and respected and not tell them the truth
Because it is just plain wrong.

You are his partner . You have a child together. Your financial lives are entwined by necessity and you each have a duty therefore to each other and your children to look after them as best you can.

You have every right to know everything about his financial situation. If you sense he is withholding .. trust your instincts .. he is withholding. If you have asked him to be truthful and you don't feel that he being.. trust your instincts.. he is not being truthful. A true partnership involves the truth. You are not seeing the real person if they cannot be truthful with you. You do not have a partnership if if is not being truthful with you.

Sorry for the rant. Just realizing what a mess I am in myself - just writing this makes me realize I have to get out - hopefully should be of some use to you too.

I know I haven't been in the position of having a man lie to me about money but I can't help feeling it's not the worst type of dishonesty. It's easy to get yourself into debt and then convince yourself you'll come out of it and, meanwhile, worrying and worrying about what will happen. This could be him. What is he like about everything else? Does he love you? Has he ever lied about other women? Do you love him? I think this is something a couple could get over. Just YOU be the one to take control of the finances, that's all.

And what happens if God forbid the woman in the partnership becomes ill. It does not matter what the lies are about.he still lied. He has to accept responsibility. Hes a man not a little boy fgs. Accepting responsibility for your own actions is part of being an adult. The OPs DH is obviously expecting her to pay the price for his mistakes in more ways than one. Its the lying and the complete lack of respect. And he never told her the full truth BEFORE they had a child and lived together. So heres the biggie .... he also denied her the chance to make an INFORMED choice about committing to him and having a child together.

justwatching - the thing is, it's so much more than what the lie is about :( It's about the fact that he did lie to her about something significant for years, that he allowed her to look at houses & dream about buying a house and make an appointment to see about a mortgage - all the time knowing that none of that was possible. He's effectively already paying a mortgage amount - to pay off 'debt' that even now, he wont tell the OP how he got into. It's a gross breach of trust.

I think it is a gross breach of trust personally and fundamental because a couple that have a baby together are always tied financially and need to be open because of that.

But everyone deserves a second chance I agree and you can see how a person would get themselves in this fix - I can empathise.

If you are to stay with this person you have to judge whether its a one off problem that will go away - ie is it one lie and it will never happen again.

How do you judge that?

is this part of a pattern - has he lied before - about anything ? I think that if he's lied before it is likely to repeat. but if not - then maybe its a one off.

Does he recognise that it is a problem for you ? If not then why would he change his behaviour - if he does however then it may show willingness to change

Have you asked his clearly to be honest and open and has he? If he has not been been open after you have asked then he is not recognising and admitting that it is an issue then how will he change? .

I do wish you luck.