Serious difficulties with Mum - advice and thoughts gratefully recieved

[Wills]

I've been having problems with Mum for quite some time now and am at a complete loss as to how to handle it and mend bridges so to speak. To tell the whole story would take a long long time so I'll try very hard to summarise. Basically I returned to work after the birth of my dd1 with severe pnd which remained undiagnosed for almost 2 years. I've since recovered and found an extremely helpful councellor who helped me through the whole thing. On returning to work my mum looked after dd1 "for me". However despite sitting down with her and discussing how I wanted dd1 looked after/raised i.e. food, discipline, etc etc she ignored everything and did whatever she wanted anyway. Sometimes this put dd1's life at risk (sorry to sound meladramatic but its a little hard to be told by your mother that your dd1 (aged 2.5) has run off and that she simply sitting in the middle of a busy shopping centre waiting for her to come back because she's not got the energy to chase her (despite me buying her a wrist strap)). I have a nut allergy and my mother doesn't bother checking foods for nuts - I could go on but I hope you get the picture. Another bone of contention is that my mother would never take her out to groups always stating that she could entertain dd1 perfectly well herself. Indeed she goes out of her way to stimulate her (often over) but she also needed interaction with other children so eventually I booked a nursery. It was a whole term before I finally persauded my mother to take her. Then it was only 6 sessions out of a whole term. We rowed and rowed with her calling me a bad mother and that I was treating my dd1 as a doorstop key child (i.e. one that is not cared for by its parents but left to fend for itself). In the end I started taking her before I went to work and eventually my mother begrudgingly agreed that dd1 did actually adore it.

The current trouble started when I left work to go onto maternity leave. Naturally I don't want to go round to my mother's every day and simply sit on her sofa. She's furious with me and has come up with various ways of trying to make me feel guilty. She's not very well, she has rheumatoid arthritus, but at the same time she's not doing anything to help herself i.e. she's seriously overwieght (by about 10 stone) and wont stop eating). Eventually before dd2 was born she managed to make me book a very expensive holiday this christmas to Florida with her and my stepfather ("because this might be the last one she can ever take" blah blah blah.) Its rubbish of course and now I'm going to have to cut short my maternity leave because of it. I was stupid to be bullied in this way and am seriously regretting it. Because of this I'm starting to stand my ground and have filled mine and my daughter's lives with going out, going to clubs and generally having a good time being a SAHM. I'm thoroughly enjoying being a full time mum and am trying to find a means of earning money in a different way so that I don't have to return to work. (my current job is in the city and often I leave home at 6.30 and don't get back in until 7.00 which doesn't leave my time to see my children). We've looked at surving on just my dh's salary but we can't do it so that's not an option. My mother's reaction to all of this is that I must be punishing her by keeping dd1 purposely away from her. I'm not doing that at all, but at the same time I'm not really catering for her.

One solution would be to set time aside each week for dd1 to go over to see her Nana. I have a number of concerns about this. 1. My mother's lack of desire to see dd2 really upsets me. 2. I don't want to be beholden to certain times iyswim. I have a free timetable to fill at my leisure etc and I really enjoy that. 3. I find it difficult to deal with the fact I'm expected to turn up, deliver one of my children, and then go away.

She's just been on the phone in floods of tears. This used to make me jump and do whatever she wanted but now it just fills me with disgust. I'm not used to feeling like this about my mother, we used to be so close. I've mentioned that I want to find alternative means of earning money and her reaction is always to put me down. If I try to parent dd1 my mother always criticises how I do it. If either dh or I say we're going to do/get something, she goes out of her way to do it first. Its distnctly like being in competion and I hate it. This is someone I love very very much and I really don't understand her behaviour and feel really hurt. I've tried and tried to talk to her and she sits there in tears promising it will get better but she never changes.

I'm going away with her for a fortnight in 7 weeks time and am really really dreading. What the heck can I do?

Oh you poor thing! Sorry, as this will sound very blunt, but is your mum really a fit person to be looking after your DD so much anyway? Presumably the weight and arthritis render her pretty ineffective at running around, pushing swings etc? I'd be very concerned at letting someone who isn't prerpared to monitor food look after her as well. Are you intending that she looks after DD2 as well?

Could you take your DD over for an hour or so every so often, but not at a set time? DD might enjoy the time with her gran being "special" and at the moment DD2 won't notice. Otherwise could you arrange to meet up in town for a coffee or something, that way you would all be together.

Sorry, not much help I know. I have a really odd relationship with my mum,generally ok, but only because I choose to be blind to lots of things she does (including ripping me off). It does sound as if your mum is very dependent, perhaps you just need to find the strength to put your family first.

Sounds like a lot to deal with.

My first thought on reading this was that your dm seems desparate to have some major role in your and your dd's life. It's like she needs to care for you both (and I think she genuinely does care - doesn't sound like she's being deceptive about that at least) so much that she won't have to worry about her own emotional problems (I think this is what psychologists call co-dependency behaviour. Could be wrong). She is being a bit manipulative too though and you are right to try to stand up for yourself.

The fact that she promises to change when you mention it is a really good sign - at least she doesn't deny it. But that's not much good to you on it's own and I don't have too many ideas. Here are some though.

• invite her out on a pre-planned day out (somewhere you know but she doesn't). You never know.

• (this is my mum's favourite tactic with manipulative/critical people and she swears by it) When she critizes you, imagine she is criticising herself (a "mental mirror" ) - people do usually do this because they are worried about their own bahaviour. This may not work if the criticism is very specific, but it does work in general terms.

• try doing something special for her. I know that she is the one being unreasonable, but it will help you to rise above it and may help her to break her behaviour patterns.

Like i say, sorry it's not much. Hope somebody else can come up with some other ideas!

Hello Wills
I haven't really got any advice but I do sympathise deeply. My parents are not as bad as this (sorry do not mean to be rude) in terms of the competition, but they ARE competitive to a certain extent so I know how that feels (only in your case magnified). Little things like if ds wants to come to me, my Mum will immediately ask him something about herself. It is I think a form of insecurity. It sounds as if you have been extremely generous with your Mum, and I think she is the one who has to accept boundaries. It is difficult when someone else has complete care of your child and also I think parents tend to view their own children still as children and so some may try to do as they wish with their children's children seeing as they brought their own children into the world so any offshoot from them (ie. grandchildren) is also "theirs". A bit convoluted but I hope you know what I mean.
I really keep my own parents at arms length where ds is concerned. They see a lot of him to play with and take to the park but they have little to do with his care ie. meals and stuff and have so far rarely babysat. There is something about the way they can be (especially in relation to food) that I do not like. They are both kind and both very nice to him but my Dad would try and force him to eat I think which I really would not like. They are both also quite prescriptive in terms of shoulds and shouldn'ts (sometimes about silly things) and I don't like this either. We are vegetarian and while my mother I think completely respects this, I do not trust my father not to give ds meat if he was at their house. So for this and other reasons they are only left alone with ds at my house (where there is no meat around, they would not purposely cook it for him but if my Dad had meat on his plate and ds asked for it (he is 23 months old) I think my Dad would give it to him as he thinks the whole vegetarian thing is a joke).
Anyway I am just going on about myself here.
What about your stepfather - do you get on with him? What does he think of your Mum's behaviour? Could he talk to her about how you feel? She sounds quite lonely as well - do you have any brothers or sisters who see her? What do they think of the situation. It sounds as if you need some more support in supporting your mother.
If my parents were behaving like this my instint would also be to move far away - not a very helpful suggestion. Part of me is outraged for you because I find the extent to which my life has become "public property" since the birth of ds quite hard and sometimes wish we could move away as well.
Anyway I hope things sort themselves out for you, that you find the work you want to do and carry on enjoying being a SAHM. Please ignore your mother's undermining comments, she sounds very insecure and also envious.

Wills, sorry this is a short post and I don't mean to sound flippant but am in a tearing hurry...I also have a lot of probs with my parents and the one thing I have finally realised (its taken 35 years!) is that my mum is an utter control freak, and I used to pretty much do anything she wanted otherwise I felt guilty and horrible. I have started standing up to her and doing what I want recently and god! its been so liberating. She is seriously cross with me (threatening to not come to my wedding) but I don't care, its been a long time coming and I feel completely justified. She has always been in competition with me and its horrible and I hate it.

Anyway, sounds like you have got some 'control-taking' to do yourself now. My advice would be to cancel the holiday. You don't want to go, you have completely valid reasons not to. If you absolutely had to, could you get out of it?

I don't want to go into too much detail here but your relationship with your mum sound quite like mine so if you want to email me please do x E

i agree with enid - if you can afford it - cancel the holiday. You are saying that you don't want to go and it is highly likely that the 2 weeks where you are forced to be together at xmas (an emotive time anyway) will be where this is all played out big time! ( I also have similar mother experience and have never really got over the holiday from hell that we all had as a family just before i returned to work after maternity leave! so this rings huge danger bells for me).

If you feel unable to do that, i would suggest sitting down asap now with your mum, step-dad, dh and any one else going, and talking about your expectations of this holiday - setting some ground rules if you like, without necessarily getting into blaming each other for behaviour now. This may help you all to think about how to make this a positive experience and for you to be clear with your mum what you want while you're away. You could allow time for her with children etc but also try and get some rules about time for you with children separately from her.

On the job front, i think you should keep looking for ways to have more time at home - you are obviously really enjoying it. Could you work pt, flexible hours etc, maybe from home some/all of the time - also can you find other forms of childcare so that you don't need your mum to do this. It may perhaps seem a cheap option but emotionally for you (and practically for your dd) it seems that it's not worth it! My experience is that looking after my ds (only 1 day a week)gave my mother too much control and our relationship is improving now she does less of the childcare and i have then had more motivation/desire to do some of the sorts of things suggested by lucy.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - will be thinking of you!

I've just returned from dm's where I ended up spending the afternoon. Things were not good but not awful either. Marialuisa - exactly, if I returned to work I would not want her looking after either of my daughters, she's simply not up to it, as my dh said - if it had been a childminder I would have "sacked her" a long time ago! Most of you have hit the nail on the head in that I feel dm is a) very insecure and b) needy and c) control freak. She surrounds herself with people whom she helps. By helping them she ensures they need her and when they need her she feels secure. She doesn't like the fact that I simply don't need her and I can't find a way of saying " I love you, but I don't need you". (by the way I have tried actually saying this) Its difficult to describe the people around her but I don't think going to them would help. In many ways she's like an insecure child in terms of her friends and family, its a case of "love me or get out of my club" etc. The "love me" takes the form of "do as I say" thereby demonstrating that they "love her". Thus going to my stepfather would be no good. We had a ding dong of a row a few weeks back and when my godmother (who is like a second mother to me) collapsed she didn't phone me for ages because I obviously didn't care about the rest of the family. Its a case of not being allowed to disagree. An enormous part of me wants to run away and we (dh and I) even discussed trying to find jobs in New York. Ultimately however I have a lot of friends here that I would miss dreadfully and I would miss my Mum (to some extent). It is running away so I'm trying to do the "right" course of action and "stand" up to her but it feels like I'm walking on a precipise (sp?) iyswim.

In terms of the holiday I agree with everyone about the recipie for disaster comments. However having already spent 3000 on it my dh is extremely reluctant to let it go. He'd rather we went and if it gets bad simply move out to a hotel. BeeBee you're very right about sitting down and setting ground rules, but I'm not sure which ones to set. Also she wont speak to me at the moment until we've had a private chat. She's (and I'm quoting her here) "apopletic with rage" and wants to have a couple of hours where she can tell me what she thinks of me. Funnily enough I haven't exactly gone out of my way to find this time ! Normally statements like this worried the hell out of me and I would jump to and tell her/say whatever I felt she wanted. But I've had enough. I feel that I'm failing as a parent by not protecting my dd1 more simply because I'm "scared of my mother" and this is giving me the courage to stand firm. The final straw for me was coming home to find a packet of peanut m&ms in dd1's hands. I have a severe nut allergy and all current advice is to keep my children away from nuts.

Lucy - I've set a time next week with her. We looked in her diary and the earliest we could find was next Wednesday. She then went on about it being "a whole week" and implied that I was doing it on purpose. She quickly forgets that I'd suggested Friday (which she couldn't do), Monday (which she couldn't do) etc etc etc. She is wrapping herself up into a world of poor little me. My stepfather has sent her flowers today saying "we'll get through this together". Her comment was that he was trying to cheer her up and that it was me causing all this stress by keeping her granddaughter away from her. (she forgets quite conviently that she was invited to the zoo with us on Monday but didn't want to come because it was too cold and she had work to do) She is extremely busy weaving a world of how she is hard done by and that I'm the evil non caring daughter. Part of me is very hurt by this - the other part wants me to tell her to go stick it!

Now you've posted more I feel less pity towards your mum! Initially thought she was a lonely, housebound, insecure old woman, clearly not!!

TBH, and as you've noticed, she's trying to get to you. Can't believe that she wants a few hours to rant!! Perhaps you do need to find the strength to say that you're an adult, you wouldn't let your DH run you down, so she can't either. Could you get your DH to be with you when you see her? As for you @keeping her granddaughter away@, could you say that she's shown herself unfit to look after her??

Sympathise with the running away thoughts, but perhaps a gradual loosening of ties until you are comfortable. I know someone who will only see her mum at an appointed time once a fortnight because of their difficult relationship, maybe something similar is the way forward.

You are pulling away and she doesn't like it, she'll pull out all the stops now until she has 'got you back' again.

Don't have the private chat! Insist your husband is there too, after all its his child as well (if she is talking about childcare etc).

I still think you shouldn't go on the holiday. Or if you do you should DEFINITELY stay in another hotel anyway.

Good luck x E

Good luck Wills.

I know exactly what you mean about the conflicting emotions (wanting to tell her to go stick it) - hope you get somewhere anyway.

Blimey wills, what a nightmare! I was thinking before I read Enid's post: No, don't go next week! Or take your DH too, so I definintely agree with her on that - the whole idea of making time for a criticism session (her to you) is horrible. I also agree that she's not fit to look after your children so if you can bear to say that to her, do. Or just arrange it so she doesn't in future. The peanut M&Ms would have made me very cross indeed I think. I don't have any particular experience but yep, she needs some boundaries alright, in the way that a toddler might, so good luck with finding a way to set these.

Wills, this is not good for you when you've now got another little baby to look after as well as dd1. Having got away with her appalling behaviour for so long your mother sees no reason to change. It looks like she doesn't see you as an equal grown-up. You need to find a way to stand up to her and get your relationship with her more on equal terms. If she messes you around about meeting up, put the ball back in her court by asking her tp phone you when she is available, then say the baby is crying and you must go. Then say goodbye and put the phone down. I've realised that when women have babies, their problems with their own parents become really noticeable. I think its because you are now the parent with the dependent child and your mother should respect that and take a back seat! How many actually do, though? As for meeting with your mother so she can give you a hard time, this is awful and must be avoided at all costs. I wish you luck Wills in your dealings with this.

Wills, this is so tricky. I really do feel for you. My mother was an alcoholic who acted like a manipulative child at times to make sure she was the centre of attention, and what you say about your mum's behaviour is really reminding me of her. It is all very well being so understanding about her being sad and lonely etc etc, but there are plenty of people who feel insecure and do not behave like this. She is putting you in an impossible position where basically she can do anything she likes (like the peanut M&Ms) and if you say anything she will make sure it seems like you are making a fuss about nothing or picking fault with everything she does. How can you use logic with someone who refuses to be reasonable?

She is drowning you in emotional blackmail and you are letting her because she is your mum and you love her. But IMO love is not a good enough reason. She is not loving you much (I mean love as a verb - which beats hands down the elusive and fickle 'feeling' of love) I can't see what good love is if it does nothing. Even bad people are nice to others when it costs them nothing.

If you don't pull her up she will not stop, she will go on doing this to you until one of you dies. If I were you I would tell her that I am not going to continue the relationship unless she learns not to emotionally blackmail you. She will have to learn how to bite her tongue from all the critical remarks and make something constructive come out instead if she wants you still to be sitting there a minute later.

At the moment she is carrying on like this because she can.

My mum died years ago and my biggest regret is that I never told her how much she had hurt me over the years. She had me so demoralised I couldn't see that in fact doing so was the only thing that might have broken the cycle. In the end when she died myself and my siblings felt more relieved than bereft, and I don't want you to end up feeling like that. Unfortunately, however much you love your mum now, you are going to end up hating her if this situation continues much longer.

Even if after you get tough with her, she doesn't change, at least you will know you tried and that it just wasn't going to happen. Then you can decide to withdraw if necessary, feeling satisfied that you did your best but that her habits were too set to break. On the other hand perhaps she will see the light and change her attitude. Good luck.

Wills
It is not your fault this relationship is going wrong. It is hers, and you have to realise that before you can do anything about it.
I think the only way to do it is to be cruel and take a break from her. She only deserves to see your dd1 if she changes her behaviour towards her, and you. DO NOT feel guilty for keeping her away from her - it is her own doing.
You really do need to take a stand and act like an adult in this relationship if you want your mother to treat you as one. You seem to have realised this, but just need to be brave and take the next step to make her realise this. It will be very difficult at first, but you will find that she comes back to you after a while and you can then build a realtionship that works for both of you rather than one which is bed for both of you.
Rather than her teling you what she thinks of you, tell her what you think of her. It is more sensible to do this in writing (Although I wouldn't - I much preffered the route of huge huge arguement ending in fisticuffs when I went through similar with my Mum)

I've rambled - but you can hopefully pick some advice up. Good luck. And remeber, you would not accept this behaviour from your dh, and you would not act like this to your dd's, so why should you allow her to be like this with you?

Wills, it is very hard when you love someone but not 'like' them very much - I think that is where you are at but apologies if I've got that totally wrong. Second the idea of staying in a different hotel (perhaps, one with better baby facilities?).

I really hope that your mum realises that she can have your love but she cannot have control over you and your dds to the extent that she has been accustomed.

Good luck.

sis

Wills, it sounds like you need a break from your mother, but you do say in your message that you used to be close. I really hope that things will work out. My mother's faults are minor, but sometimes she drives me crazy and I just have to avoid talking to her for a few days. Do you think that by keeping a low profile for a fortnight, and telling her that it is because she is upsetting you too much and you need to take care of yourself, you will feel better about going away? It sounds like you have been having a hard time and deserve a nice holiday. If you stay in a hotel with your dh and children, you could just see her as much as you feel able. I had a serious discussion with my mother about the way that nagging made me feel (ie bad for self esteem) and since then she has been making a real effort to tell me that she loves me and is proud of me. If your words are not getting through to her, can anyone else (sibling, dh?) try talking to her to explain how much she is upsetting you? It does sound like in her own way she loves you and cares very much about you.

Hi, You're comments are really really helpful. This current spat has been going on for over 5 weeks now. When I say we had a good relationship it was good because I always gave in. But it didn't make me feel good about myself, infact it probably made the situation worse because I resent it. You're right in that I need to stand up for myself and split away. Make a new relationship with her based on both of us being adults and at a level that I'm happy with. However when I'm face to face with her I find this extremely difficult to do. Although I now seriously doubt the "realness" of her tears nevertheless I still find it awful to see my mum cry. I have however noticed a pattern. First she pleads, then she crys and finally she shouts (hence her desire to get me in my own to have a go at me). The friend to which I've opened up and discussed this with hit the nail on the head when she said that I normally give in simply because I prefer a peaceful life - but somewhere inside me every time I give in there a little bit of resentment growing. I don't like this resentment anymore than I like my mother's behaviour, the whole thing feels bad - destructive iyswim. I'm finding it very hard to sit and watch whilst she weaves this story of what an ungrateful child I'm being but at the same time a large part of me feels that tackling each and every story is pointless - she'll only produce more. Besides that's not the point, really I should detach myself from the whole thing - but whilst its easy for me to type this its a lot harder to do!

In terms of the holiday I really am at a loss. I can see that not going or going to a seperate hotel is really sensible but I'm really not sure how to do it. For starters we're supposed to be sharing villas - I know that my parents couldn't afford to pay for those villas themselves but there is no way we could afford to pay for them and hotel rooms. My parents would simply stop talking to us and we'd be back into all out "war" so to speak.

Also I think you're all really sensible to say that I shouldn't meet her without dh in tow. The last time I attempted to stand up for myself (years ago) she ended up phoning me up and demanding that dh and I go over there immediately - we did and dh and I were forced to sit there whilst she, dh, and a group of her friends that she had "primed" with how bad we'd been shouted at us. It felt unreal - like a hanging squad. The problem with this one is that finding time in the evenings is impossible because she works in the evening, so she wants to come over during the day whilst dd1 is at nursery. Oh ugg. I'm really going to have to take a big breath and be brave aren't I, but this is my mum who when I am "behaving" so to speak is lovely to be around. She's like a torch, you're either in brilliant light or its turned off - very strange as I couldn't ever imagine not loving my dds no matter how angry I might get.

This may be very stupid advice - but is well-intentioned and if it repeats stuff, sorry, also may not be appropriate but ... we went on holiday with my h's parents who are really nice people, but I found it quite difficult without all you have to contend with. In retrospect and not sure you could do it, could you, involving your mother so she agrees and has less to complain about, agree a timetable - relaxed one - of time on your own, with/without dd/time when they have dd, time when you're all together - rota for cooking etc? I think it probably is bad advice as your mother sounds as if she'd want to organise everything - but if she bought into it/thought she'd organised it? REalise it's not the real issue but might make hte holiday less stressfull? Don't worry about saying - err, no.

Does she work EVERY evening?

Haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like your mother really cares about your dd. To be fair, having had full-time care of her, it must be hard for her not to be seeing much of her now.

Like you said though, it's not her needs you are catering to. Could you think about having days out with her and the children. Or dropping in to see her from time to time.

Apologies for the amateur psychology, but I would say that the reason she is rejecting dd2 is to get back at you.

I would suggest you cancel the holiday, if at all possible. It will be awful to go away feeling like you do, and a bit of space might allow a different perspective for your mother.

Can you sit down and tell her how you're feeling? Or maybe consider writing it down in a letter so she can't ignore or interrupt? At the end of the day I think we all have to accept that our parents are human too, and subject to the usual human emotions! I guess it's pretty difficult to adapt to the role of grandparent, and know where you stand. Especially when she's been doing a good percentage of the caring for your dd. I don't mean to be taking her side, just trying to see it from both sides.

Anais, I do see your point about her struggling because she used to have dd1 full time. Both dh and I discussed this before I even when on Maternity leave. My frustration is that she's not content with doing this with me. She wants me to go round to her house most days and simply sit there. I was petrified of dd1 when she was born and pretty much did that for most of my past leave however this time round dd1 has clubs to go to, I have other friends (sahms with children the same age as dd1 that I met during her maternity leave) to visit and life is full. She is always invited to these things but always finds a reason for not coming. I attempt to find a time at least once during the week when we do as she wants and goes to her house. Sometimes I simply drop dd1 off. This will sound funny but she really can't share my dd1, if we attempt to play games together it gets positively ludicrous and in the end I back out and leave her to it.

However I do agree that it must be hard for her having gone from 4 afternoons a week to none I just wish she would compromise!

Wills, i recognise what you're saying about a growing resentment. Find your description of you a nd your DH having to sit there with a crowd of people having a go, truly sick, why didn't you just leave?? Perhaps this is a tack you could try, say that you will listen to her point of view, but the minute it turns into personal abuse, you're going?

My mum sounds very similar to yours, although I've never had the crowds of people to tell me how awful i am....She manipulates me emotionally, adores DD, it's endless. I know how hard it is to try and change the relationship, it's something I'm trying to do now, and part of the problem is that I want her approval, her company at times...

Sorry, not much help, but you have an opportunity to make things better for you and i htink you should take it. Sykes' suggestion about a "structure" for the hol migghtmake things easier though.

'Mum, you know how hard I found it when dd1 was born, and without you, I wouldn't have reached the point I am at today. Thank you so much. I just want you to know that you have no need to worry any more, I am a far more experienced mum of two now, and I can stand on my own two feet. It's about time I took control of my own life now and stopped hanging around your house all the time getting under your feet. Why don't you come over to me for a change and see how well things are going? And I have you to thank for that.'

Any good?

You can see how you were 'close' to her when you had PND - she was in charge and you were 'happy' for her to do that. Now it sounds like you are really turning your life around, happy and fulfilled. This is just the point when your mum will start to panic. The problem is hers, not yours. She will never change. Maybe it is time to accept her for what she is, see her occassionally, ride the storm of her emotion and try to make your own life as happy as possible without her. What do you think?

Hi again.
I can relate to how you find it difficult to play with your Mum and dd1, when both my parents are here with ds they tend to concentrate solely on him and play with him just the two of them. When my Dad is here on his own it's better (my Mum has never been here on her own so I don't know what that would be like), but when it's the two of them they are like a little exclusive committee. Different from with my MIL who will happily watch other people (including myself and dh) play with ds for hours and also plays with him herself. My parents are either here playing with ds or they go home..... They are just not used to not being the number ones... Bottom line though your dd is your daughter, sometimes I think like somebody else has said, parents should learn that though they are important in terms of being grandparents, they are not the ONLY people around.
I think it's totally not on that your Mum is lovely only when you do as she says, sorry to be unkind but to me she sounds like a bully. Are you an only child? Shame there aren't other grandchildren to concentrate on as well. I would be so tempted to run far away, it doesn't sound as if she will ever understand unless she goes to therapy as her problems seem to run very deep. People can invent all sorts of fantasies and I think it's like an addiction. A letter sounds like a good proposition as you can say what you want to without her manipulating you by crying. I certainly wouldn't go to a meeting which is designed to slag you off, she is supposed to be your mother, not your executioner.
Sorry if I am being too direct, but you post has touched some chords with me..... I think some parents just do not know how to let go yet it is part of their jobs as parents to do so when their kids grow up.

I'm afraid I'm going to say something different that may not be very nice... I had simmilar problems with my MIL for 5 years so, when DS was about to arrive I noticed that my life was going to become hell as she immediately start making plans for him, she decided that she would not "allow her grandchild to have a name she didn't aprove of" or when I mentioned that I wanted him to attend a Montessori school she said that she had already DECIDED which school her grand child was going to attend (a very nationalist one which considering that I am a foreigner touches certain areas that make me feel vulnerable). The worst of it was the day that she told me that the baby was not only mine but that it belonged to her as well. A comment that I responded by saying that the baby didn't belong to anybody but himself and by stoping any contact with her for several months, I didn't want her to be here when the baby was born and not allow her to visit during the first month (as I really wanted to enjoy the first days with my baby), we didn't allow her to give him expensive gifts or decide anything related to the way we are rising him. It was though and it really helped that my DH has realised that such an action was needed, now she is fine and respect our decissions about DS, and I think that it is because that if she doesn't 'behave' we won't allow her near us, and because during all these months she has seen the baby growing beautifully and very well cared for so she doesn't have anything more to complain about, however, if I wanted her to mind my baby I will need to accept her rules so...got somebody to take care of him instead.