Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Solicitor and finances - long

42 replies

sykes · 29/10/2003 11:23

Am off for second meeting with the solicitor today - first formal meeting. Have received an offer from h re finances which, superficially, looks fairly generous and will take her advice on this. I think it may need to be increased as I may need to have extended childcare on occasions when I have to work late. I'm sure she'll give me all the appropriate advice and has given me a detailed sheet re what should be considered when providing for the children financially. Just wondered if anyone has any tips/advice/questions that I may forget to ask. Seeing her today at 5:30. She has advised previously to try and settle via a mediator as cheaper etc, but feel, depending on her further advice, I'd rather do it through the courts. Although, I suppose, why pay masses of legal costs if we may end up at a similar figure anyway. And I want him to see the girls as much as possible so access is not an issue. Am getting confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
sykes · 29/10/2003 12:15

Please does anyone have any tips ....

OP posts:
uknowme · 29/10/2003 12:17

Message withdrawn

Twinkie · 29/10/2003 12:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sykes · 29/10/2003 14:32

He is willing to pay more, (quite a lot more) but he has to because of nanny costs etc. Thanks for advice - will talk to solicitor.
I'm also going to suggest we both start an account for the girls for things like holidays etc - funded by both of us.

OP posts:
tinyfeet · 29/10/2003 15:40

Sykes, I can't provide any advice, but for what it's worth, it sounds like both of you are being extremely reasonable and level-headed.

Original poster
sykes · 29/10/2003 15:41

That's a bit of a facade - but I'll get there.

OP posts:
doormat · 29/10/2003 16:01

sykes all I can say is good luck to you today and wishing you the best settlement this side of California.
hugs
xxx

tinyfeet · 29/10/2003 16:21

Ok - in any case good luck. One thing that I've read recently for American actors of course, I think it was Jim Carrey, is that you should try to anticipate costly activities that you will want to enroll your children in as they get older - like music or dance lessons, and be sure to get those included, as well.

Original poster
sykes · 29/10/2003 16:26

Oh, the list for the girls is endless, Grade A show jumpers, designer clothes, private ballet, tennnis, karate, piano, flying etc lessons am also including my NEEDS in the list - therapy sessions to deal with the trauma, botox/plastic surgery to counteract the years the worry has piled onto my face, sports car to pick handsome young men up in, ditto designer clothes and shoes, luxury holidays for much needed recuperation.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 29/10/2003 16:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sykes · 29/10/2003 16:27

Thanks for good wishes - love the sentiment DM - here's hoping.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 29/10/2003 21:57

Try to avoid the courts. If your h is being reasonable, take the settlement while he still wants to give it. I haven't read your other threads, but chances are that as soon as there is another woman involved he won't be so reasonable. Also, getting it over quickly is the best thing physchologically for all of you.

Mumski · 30/10/2003 09:35

Sykes and everyone. I've been reading some of your"threads" the last couple of days as I put in "affairs" in the search which brought you all up - so to speak!
It's such a cliche, but found out Sunday night my H is having an affair with our best friends wife. Its been going on for two months. To cut a long story I told hime to get out and thankfully he went - but to her in a hotel room. Find that's the hardest bit for some reason. He's now at his Mums and getting lots of ear bashing from her. Our friends husband has been great and has phoned me and we have supported each other.He's devistated too they have 3 young chilren. I have 2 girls 7 and 8 but have managed to get by with saying 'daddy is going to alot of meetings' and they seem to accept at the mo. At the begining of the week he begged to come back but I can't deal with even thinking about it.He said he was finishing it but I can't believe him. Just feel nothing. Went to the solicitors to get advice and this was helpful. I'm scared of the anger and grief when it kicks in as I know it will. If I took him back how do you ever get the picures of the two of them together out of your head long enough to hope to start a relationship again. Sorry to go on.

Original poster
sykes · 30/10/2003 09:37

I saw the solicitor who's writing a letter to him wiht a proposed monthly figure. More than he's offering but I would agree to take his name off the mortgage. So I'll wait to hear. Thanks. There's already another woman invovled - he left me for her - and I think you're right, it is likely to make a difference as she wants to buy a house with him, get married, have children etc. So I'll try to get agreement asap.

OP posts:
doormat · 30/10/2003 09:39

sykes how did you get on

mumski sorry to hear about your situation, there is loads of support on here if you need it,
just rant, scream, lash out on here and we will all try and advise you as much as poss
hugs and take care
xxx
doormat

doormat · 30/10/2003 09:41

sykes, you really have been through the mill these last few months,
glad the appt went well
love and take care
xxx

Original poster
sykes · 30/10/2003 09:43

Mumski, I'm so sorry. This time last year my h left for the first time. It's hell. It must be so hard for you with the girls being a bit older as well - bad enough with a four-year old. If you want to e-mail me, please do. My situation is bound to be very different to yours. In brief, he left, came back after two days - said it was over, it wasn't. She got in touch, it started again, he left again on Chistmas Day - I went to the US with the girls. He begged me to come back -would try anything etc. Well, tried counselling -didn't have a good counsellor, be very careful about who you go to. It fell apart after a few months as she got in touch and he left again. Each situation is so different but if you do want it to work you both have to really understand that the next year will be so hard and will require so much effort. After any relief of reconciliation there's a lack of trust, grief, so many emotions. I think you have to examine why/what/where? I know I wasn't blameless but he took the decision to have an affair and leave. Lots of luck. Get as much support as you can and don't be alone or come to any quick decisions - hard, I know. To make it work I think you need some time apart - wish I'd tried that initially. Please get in touch if it would help and please post to let us know how you're doing. I'm SO sorry - it's hell.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 30/10/2003 10:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sykes · 30/10/2003 11:50

How are you doing, Mumski? Try to look after yourself. If you're having problems sleeping - am sure you are - try cutting out caffeine, herbal teas, maybe herbal sleeping aids/go to the doctor for help/advice. Feeling desperate physically as well as phsychologically will make everything even worse.

OP posts:
Mumski · 30/10/2003 12:32

I'm at work and stuffing my self with left overs from last night, so trying to do the looking after myself bit. I've had wonderful support from friends and you lot are great. There is nothing like talking to others who have been through a similar experience - it's so valuable. The thing that worries me is I'm not reacting - no tears or feeling like ranting - just nothing, which is not me as I'm an 'what you see is what you get'girl. perhaps i've died and no one told me.

Original poster
sykes · 30/10/2003 14:18

Mumski, you're probably in shock. Have you thought about counselling/any other action/when the girls can see him? I managed to avoid my two seeing him for about eight days (said he was at the office/at work) but they were only 1.5 and 3.5 when he left. I just couldn't cope with seeing him. Don't know if this will help but I really do hate being without him - ridiculous as it sounds - and am so sad for the girls. If you think you've got a fighting chance of making it work I'd really try but get as much advice as possible/seek professional help and don't do anything in a hurry. It will be a long way back. Take care.

OP posts:
doormat · 30/10/2003 14:51

relate website is here for anyone who is interested.
hugs
xxx

Mumski · 30/10/2003 15:32

Thanks very much Sykes and doormat. he's going to be there when I get home with the girls tonight as I felt the girls really needed to see him. But I'm not looking forward to it. If only I could summon up the energy to poke his eyes out - wow that was almost a 'feeling'!!!
i finish work today and computer at home is stuffed. So will post next week.

Thanks again.

EMJ · 30/10/2003 15:35

Message to sykes and mumski. Old cliche, but things do get better. Three years ago i was 5 months pregnant with my only child and my H told me he was leaving me for another woman. That first night I cried myself stupid, but then I pulled myself together cos I didn't want to do anything to upset the baby! Don't get me wrong I wanted to kick some butt, but the thought of doing harm to my baby held me back. We had alot of stupid arguments and I was the one who ended up moving out. After seeing my DD's face for the first time I knew that he couldn't get to me anymore and that I didn't need his love as I had the unconditional love of my DD. Needless to say, we get on fine now, me, my ex and now the new wife (same woman he left me for). I can only see it now as I positive thing for my DD. I did not want her growing up in a battle ground like I did. I, also met a lovely bloke, though never getting married again, and I hope in the future that everything works out for you both. XX Keep smiling, it hurts them more than you crying.

doormat · 30/10/2003 15:36

Mumski take care, could you go to local library and use their computers if you ever feel down and want to talk to someone on here.
hugs
xxx

Swipe left for the next trending thread