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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bloody men!!! knew there was a reason i was single.!

54 replies

benbon · 19/10/2011 17:23

right ive been seeing a new man for nearly 4 months... going really well spend a lot of time together prob 4 days a week. he met my kids after 3 months and they took to him (first man they have met since their dad and i split 2 yrs ago) we booked a holiday for december (his idea) and have had weekends away for weddings (his friends) i have also met his 2 children.. (which when she found out about it she stopped him seeing them and served him divorce papers)

on sat he got a call from his ex saying she had seen a pic of us together on facebook (she hacked into his account to see this) and that she thought she wanted him back, they have been split for 18mths after she kicked him out,

so basically now he is confused, wants time to think. said he doesnt want to go back to her but wants to be 100% about me!

so basically i have told him that im not happy to wait, that i deserve someone that wants me and my kids...

so on monday night he came to mine telling me he wanted me and all he had been worried about was how it had made me feel (saying all the right things) and hoping he hadnt messed us up, i replied it doesnt have to mess us up but if you want me you tell your ex!

so tuesday morning i get loads of nice messages then one asking what time he can come round, i replied "i would love to see you, but for my own sanity i think i need to wait till you have told your ex its over"
then an hour later i get a message saying sorry i cant do this, u say i cant see you till ive hold her and i dont know when that will be!

so basically i dont know what the flipping hell is going on.. he wants me to wait whilst he decides which of us he wants,
when i said to him im not prepared to wait and that i hope it works out for them and that they can both be happy! but i think he made the wrong decision he said i think your right. he said " i think im making a mistake letting u go like this... but at the moment i dont want that i just want some time... im not going back to my ex !" he keeps saying please give me time.. but i dont want to wait for him to tell me he has chosen her!

sorry that was long.. any advice greatly received

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 20/10/2011 05:11

That's why I always have a minimum of 5 on the go SGVB - they have to work to find my slot [hgrin]

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 07:34

find your slot ? how uncouth [hhmm]

well done, OP

men like this need a very firm message... fuck me around at your peril

no second chances

Original poster
benbon · 20/10/2011 07:42

thankyou.. you have all been so helpful... i have told him i am worth more then this, that i deserve a man to want me as number 1, and whilst i have enjoyed being with him and liked him, i am not in love with him so am not prepared to fight for him. that there are other men out there who will want me! so good luck for the future!

i think i have managed to keep my dignity! just makes you wonder why i always seem to get pooped on by men!!!

OP posts:
venusandallsouls · 20/10/2011 08:46

Can I offer a slightly different perspective? (NB I am NOT defending how the man in the OP has behaved).

My xh had been abusive and continued to try and control me long after we had seperated. If anything I did upset him (seperating our finances, going on holiday with my friends, getting promoted at work) he would do his best to disrupt my plans either practically (arranging to be away at the last minute so I had to look after the dc, contacting my work colleagues) or by trying to manipulate me (threatening to take the dc from me, telling me he still loved me etc).

As a consequence, after nearly 2 years, when I went out with someone new, I was desperate to keep the news from exh.

I don't think I was a 'fence-sitting' knobber, but I did need some more time before I was ready to get into a new relationship.

Original poster
benbon · 20/10/2011 15:59

i can understand that venus... he is driving back on sat he is away with work and not suppose to be back till next weekend but he wants to see me to talk, which i am going to do!

im interested to hear what he has to say.. ive known all along he absolutely adores his girls and really misses them and he found it hard when she stopped him seeing them as she found out about me. which lasted about 3 weeks till she wanted a night off.

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 20/10/2011 16:14

You've done great up till now in the way you've handled the situation.

He could be the loveliest man in the world but sounds like he isn't over her to be honest and isn't ready to cut his ties. If he was he wouldn't have put you in this situation.

If I was in your shoes this would be ruin everything for me. I would never be able to relax. I also wouldn't want to be in the position of thinking will he chose me or her.

Listen to him by all means but please please keep your knickers on.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/10/2011 17:53

It sounds to me like he also 'adores and misses' women who are unavailable in some way...

all this knobbing about sending messages to OW and you when he doesn't quite have either of you.

EHoneybadger · 20/10/2011 18:07

I might be a soft touch but I think I would at least listen to him. It is only a week as far as I can tell since this happened and the poor bloke sounds like he misses his kids.

It must be a head f**k to suddenly have his ex drop this bombshell and it is possible she is the messed up one who is playing mind games not him.

It would be gutting for you and him to lose a potentially good relationship without at least making sure there are no misunderstandings.

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 18:39

EH, yes you are a soft touch [hsmile]

mumsamilitant · 20/10/2011 21:46

Honey, why are you blaming her for his lack of decision.

I have ex's... i would rather gouge my eyes out than go anywhere near them.

Stop being a .......

Tell him to sort his damn life out, if your still around well and good.

Move on. You dont need this nebulous shit.

Do a mantra.

If he doesnt enhance my live he shouldnt be in it

mumsamilitant · 20/10/2011 21:48

enhance your LIFE!

Original poster
benbon · 20/10/2011 22:20

well he called me today.. apparently he is driving back tomorrow to tell her. he cannot be without me, and wont lose me, me and his girls are all he cares about and he wants to be with me for a long time to come, he has payed off the holiday too and still wants us all to go.. i asked why he didnt wait till sat and he said he has made up his mind and cant be without me for another minute.
i have told him that he said the right things before but i cant beleive him till he has told her! i just hope this does work! although feel my barriers have gone up again! thankyou all so much for all your advice!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 22:23

see you back here in a few weeks time [hsmile]

Doha · 20/10/2011 22:33

Yep he still had to think about it OP, he didn't automatically choose you. You, as l predicted, were not prepared to follow through with you intention of walking away. He knows that now .
Everything will be fine for a while now he has you back on board. What has he told his ex???
OP i wish you well cause l really don't think this is the end of the saga.

bubblegumpop · 20/10/2011 22:51

Op really. 4 months and there is so much drama. If he had to think for a second he isn't over her, you are the make do, whilst he ways up his odds.

He just sounds like hard work, that he needs this drama. Two women, who to chose, what to say? One decides to pretend she isn't interested (you), he knows you are bluffing. It's like a play.

So he comes back all in a hurry, on his white steed, rushing to be by your side and tell her.

I'd be betting he is rushing back to tell her, exactly what he is going to tell you. Carry on stringing you both along.

I reckon you'll be back.

MigratingCoconuts · 21/10/2011 17:41
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2011 19:01

izzywhizzysfritenite

"That's why I always have a minimum of 5 on the go SGVB - they have to work to find my slot "

And your having a go at someone you don't know who may not have two women on the go.Hmm

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 19:11

Boney, presumably izzy is quite open about not being in exclusive relationships with these men

that is the crux

honesty

Wooooooooooooooppity · 21/10/2011 19:14

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having 5 men on the go, if they know tht they are not in a heteromonogamous relationship.

What's wrong, is if everyone thinks they're in a long term monogamous relationship because their lover has given them that impression deliberately.

I presume that Izzy's set up doesn't involve lying to the five men. That would make it morally different, to the loser we're discussing in this thread. IMO.

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 19:16

and if izzy isn't being honest, then yes, her and her "slot" are just as bad as the bloke in question here

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2011 20:54

Wooooooooooooooppity

"I presume that Izzy's set up doesn't involve lying to the five men."

The presumption is that the man in the op is lying

There are a lot a asumptions here

Wooooooooooooooppity · 21/10/2011 21:05

Sorry I'm slightly confused. What do you mean, the assumption is that the guy is lying?

Lying about what? Being in a monogamous relationship? Well yes, the OP doesn't mention that they had an agreement that he'd shag his ex and maybe other women at the same time and that she'd shag other men as well. I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that she's talking about a heteronormative monogamous relationship here, otherwise there'd be no point having a thread about it would there?

tadpoles · 21/10/2011 21:16

God honestly all this blood moralising - who gives a shite whether they all have 5 people on the go simultaneously?

As for the OP - it sounds as though the ex is miffed that he has found someone who he is serious with and is flexing her muscles to see whether she still has any power over him.

He is also being a knob by dragging you into his little drama triangle.

I would just back off for a bit - turn the tables and tell him that you need some time to think about all this.

For what it is worth, when I first got together with my partner his long term ex (who had pretty much dumped him for someone else, but just wanted to keep him on the backburner for old time's sake) staged a dramatic come-back when she found out that he had met someone he was really keen on. She tried quite hard to win him back, despite the fact that she had effectively gone off with somone else, because she couldn't bear to think that she had lost her power over him.

FannyNil · 21/10/2011 21:29

Be strong and have a great weekend. I suspect he was trying to work out how he could have you both... Mr Right here you come!

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:49

So you've been with him 4m.

You introduced your DC to him after 3m.

He books a holiday for you all

He's been dicking about wondering if he ought to go back and piss his wife about just to stay with the DC

Now he can't live without you.

BIG FAT BUGGERY HAIRY BOLLOCKS OP!

There are more fecking red flags here than at a Parade in the ' good ol' days' of the USSR!

You are being incredibly reckless with your life, and that of your DC. You don't even know this guy, you've been with him 16 weeks FFS and your kids have met him?

Add the holiday and the general pissing about designed to make you jump and feel grateful if he brings his dick over your way and you are priming yourself for an abusive relationship at worst, at best a very bloody unhealthy one. One even that could harm your DC.

TELL him to fuck off. Don't take his calls. This guy is trouble.