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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do - Husband asked the Police to Section me last night

58 replies

ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:19

Hi

Quick resume - H left me last month for another woman - totally took me by surprise and every one else for that matter. I had a bad few weeks and coped ok according to my friends and family under circumstances.

We have DS 3 who has remained in contact with H at least 3 / 4 times a week and rings him twice a day.

H and I have had complete melt down on personal relationship, and he bullied me into corner last week for DS to go to his new home (done this twice now) meet new woman (which he did on Saturday) and sleep overs (starting in new year). I agreed all of the later (reluctantly, but will not go back on my word). This is as well as seeing DS on Tuesday and Thursday collecting from nursery, bringing back to his home, tea, play, bath & putting him to bed (while I stayed away). Taking him to nursery and getting ready on a Monday, and spending some time with him on a Saturday morning (I do not limit the time but he only spends 2 hours with him).

After agreeing to all of the above, he then insists that his new woman comes to DS birthday party in Dec. I stood my ground and said no - not this year. If she comes then I will cancel it. (it is paid for already).

He then said DS was not to meet family members if his new woman could not go, and rang his family to inform them of this. I said it was DS's family and I would continue contact. (both sides)

Last night he collected DS from nursery and came back to house, he was angry about some changes I had made around the house and garage and texted me. Then said I had lost the plot and was going to take DS back to his house for the night. I drove home as I was only 5 mins away, and blocked his car in.

I called the police, but they would not respond as it was a domestic. He rang them and said he was worried about the well being of DS and that I needed sectioning.

Police attended and could see that I was in control (angry and upset but calm) and said that we needed to sort it ourselves. He persisted to the point where DS was upset. I told the police I would move the car and he could take him as DS was being affected (not what I wanted but could see resolution). He then changed his mind and said I was being unreasonable - police told him I was not!!

He left saying he would not see his son again - not what I want, as I want him to have a father son relationship.

Have seen solicitor today and H and I are going to family relate tomorrow night. But the issue I have is that he keeps moving the goal posts.

I am not stopping access, but nor can I have him using DS when he does not like my actions or words.

I have said that I do not want any direct access unless it has anything to do with DS. That way I cannot respond to his words and actions.

Any advice?

Sorry for the saga

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 13:11

OP you can always do what I did. Ex was abusive but solicitor was pretty insistant we attend mediation in order for me to qualify for legal aid. I went once to say that I went then that was all I had to do.

Have you seen the mediator on your own yet? You're supposed to have a single meeting first during which you can tell her your concerns about abuse confidentially.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 13:14

an abusive prick buying you flowers after an argument is called "hoovering".

See here

The Hoover Manouvre

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 19/10/2011 13:17

buzz and izzy speak well.

I am a long long way down a similar road, and it reeks of control, toy out of pram etc...

It's all 'I want this no matter how it will effect my dc'

I was reasonable, not just my own opinion either, and i stayed that way becuase like you, i firmly believed, and wanted my dc to have as much of their dad as poss.

Yet, he started to push and push, and ended up blaming me, then dd for everything.

stay strong, and keep him out of your home. meet somewhere for handover. he has to earn the civility of your front room op. Its not a right anymore.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 13:19

Notsuch - we will not qualify for legal aid - so its going to be expensive. The relate one is joint, but if we go through the official mediation then we will both have individual sessions and then a joint one.

The laughable thing, is H didn't have that much quality time with DS when he lived here. He would take him out for an hour or so over the weekend, but then the rest was up to me. He put him to bed a couple of times a week when I would go to gym. He is fine with him in short bursts, but struggles with any length of time with him.

In terms of medium term access, my thoughts are that eventually DS would spend equal amounts of time at each home, providing everything worked out. But thats a long time off, and maybe a never if DS is not settled!!

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 19/10/2011 13:20

You may describe yourselves as 2 intelligent people but it appears that neither of you are considering the impact H's behaviour has had, is having, and will continue to have, on your 3 yr old child until such time as your H acts reasonably with regard to contact. ,

As your H appears to be incapable of putting ds's needs before those of his own, the onus is on you to ensure that ds's welfare is paramount.

Mediation does not mean that you roll over for your H's unreasonable demands and, if you decide to attend a Relate session tomorrow, I would suggest that you make it crystal clear that, following last's night events, all contact arrangements are written on a clean sheet.

However, before you go any further, I would suggest you call the Women's Aid helpline on 0808 2000 247 and begin to rid yourself of the notion that you are obliged to accede to all of your H's unreasonable demands.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 13:23

Thanks Izzy - I will ring them now

OP posts:
NhameCage · 19/10/2011 13:27

Make sure everything is very clear re. access times pick up/drop off at your house and him not to have access to the house. Don't begin sleepovers for a few years yet, I don't think your DS is old enough.

welliesandpyjamas · 19/10/2011 13:30

Hi OP
Your situation reminds me of this thread, lots of very similar issues which the OP has handled very well, with good advice. Might be worth reading through - it is a long thread but well worth it for tips (and inspiration!).

All the best and stay strong

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 13:49

The first thing is to accept and understand that your XP is an unreasonable prick so that you do not waste any more time and effort trying to make him behave decently. Log everything, do everything via lawyers, have no contact with him that isn't emails/texts to do with DS. Remember that while it is reasonable for DS' sake that he has contact with his father (up to a point) it is perfectly OK to for an abusive prick to be allowed no access whatsoever to you.

sweepitundertherug · 19/10/2011 13:56

Blimey. He's awful.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 19/10/2011 14:01

[hgrin] Well said, sweep. Short, sharp, and on the money [hgrin]

sweepitundertherug · 19/10/2011 14:03

Well, you know. Say it as it is. [hgrin]

babyhammock · 19/10/2011 14:20

What a nasty piece of work
No suprise that he wasn't that interested in DS when you were togtether. He's only 'interested now in order to exercise control over both your lives.... I mean heaven forbid you're actually able to get on with living without him..

MoaninMinny · 19/10/2011 16:14

i think you do need someone neutral to mediate as obviously you want things your way and he wants them his way and the only one to suffer is the child of course :(

At least with someone neutral in the middle, you can come to a compromise on the best thing for little one

Sossiges · 19/10/2011 16:33

As for OW at birthday party - ha ha. Someone's as nutty as a fruitcake but it's not the OP.

Sossiges · 19/10/2011 16:36

Also I appreciate the fact that you want your ds to have plenty of contact with his father, but him doing tea, bath, bed at your house while you 'stay away' is quite frankly taking the piss.

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 17:27

Sweet jesus.... What a truly evil man.

YOU NEED WOMEN'S AID & NOW!

He left. he get's ZERO say in what you do with your life.
He doesn't get to decide to bring his mistress to your child's birthday party. (where the FUCK is her head in all this too?)
What you do with the house, garage whatever is YOUR choice.

Tell him to Fuck off with his relate/mediation (pointless anyway, you can't mediate with an abuser)

Sever all contact. Don't allow him within a country mile of you. If he uses your DC to control you, end the contact.

Remember a child in the middle of an abusive relationship is being abused too. Don't let your H teach your DS how to treat women. for the love of god, don't let him create another mini-me version of himself. 50/50 contact is only good in a healthy environment. Your H is incapable, he is UNFIT to provide a safe, healthy positive environment for your child. It's YOUR job to protect him.

bellsring · 19/10/2011 18:24

HerScaryness 'tell him to fuck off with his relate/mediation' Grin

neuroticmumof3 · 19/10/2011 18:36

I agree that he only wants daily contact as a means of staying in your life and controlling you. Was he controlling when you were together?

FabbyChic · 19/10/2011 18:38

Far too soon for your son to meet his woman, he is 3 years old he will be confused enough.

I certainly would not allow her to any birthday party, your ex can arrange his own party and invite who he likes.

Your ex is being unreasonable, you are allowing too much access, it is not right. It should be for longer less times a week so that quality is better than quantity.

Your son needs a routine not this shambles.

catsrus · 19/10/2011 18:40

it's quite likely he wants more 'access' so that your assets are distributed 50:50 and he pays no maintenance for your ds (because he is having him half the time!).

friend's ExH suddenly got all parental when solicitor told him what the asset split would be if W had the kids most of the time... Hmm

bellsring · 19/10/2011 18:44

I think you shouldn't allow him to have all this freedom into the home where you and your DS live. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile. It just sounds so familiar - if you don't do this, I'll do that...........threats, demands, threats,demands, threats,demands......You'll have to set some ground rules yourself. And limit your dealings with him other than is necessary for your DS.

Tianc · 19/10/2011 18:55

I can see one teeny glimmer of silver lining to last night's hideous performance.

There's apparently no shortage of twats doing the classic, "She's a sectionable loony and I'm concerned about the welfare of a child," but not many are stupid enough to get the police in to witness they're making it up.

So there's that one done and dusted. He'll never be able to use it again.

MJlovesscareypants · 19/10/2011 18:56

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Message withdrawn