Weird argument with DP - our values are different - what's this about?

[wtfwtf]

Name changed as I tend to over-reveal (and have been outed on here before) so covering my tracks. Will try and keep this as brief as poss!
Been with DP for almost two years, following a marriage which eventually ended with some affairs (his) and emotional abuse type stuff going on. DP is kind, loyal, lovely, has integrity and is extremely emotionally open. These are the things I love and value most about him.

I've been vegetarian since I was little, from the time I realised what meat actually was. It's almost a squeamishness thing. I just never liked the taste nor texture of meat and fish & have never had the desire to eat it. I have no issue at all with what anyone else eats. DP is also veggie. For me, that's convenient, but no more. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if he weren't.

Recently I've been thinking about trying some fish after a nutritionist friend looked at my diet and told me that I was really lacking in protein. It's a big thing for me after nearly 25 years of not eating it. I mentioned the idea in passing to DP and he really surprised me with his reaction - apparently it's one of hig biggest principles to be vegetarian, one of the things he likes most about me and he implied that he'd be disappointed if I went back to eating fish. When pushed, he admitted that he would worry his feelings towards me would inevitably change if we didn't share this fundamental thing.

This all led to a barney where I told him I didn't want to be in a conditional relationship, there were far more important values in my opinion and really it was up to me what I ate. I'm hyper sensitive to any signs of controlling behaviour (thanks to XH) and this rang alarm bells even though he's never given cause for concern before.

So where do I go from here? We made up after the row, but it's still on my mind. Should I be seeing this as a big red flag or does everyone have sticking points? Is it just that his priorities of what he wants in a partner are different from mine, and is that an issue in itself? Thanks to anyone who got this far, I know it's a weird one!!

It all sounds a bit 'Paul Macartney'. Surely you are allowed your own views - it's not as if you are saying 'right, we are both eating fish, from now on' - now is it!

"flouncing off in a flurry of lentils"

SGB rofl....I think this could be a relationship adjustment, rather than control thing. All relationships need them unfortunately, hard work at times...

wf, your partner sounds lovely, worth more than eating some poor fish dredged from our overpolluted and fished oceans in order to get protein that is easily accessible to anyone in the developed world.

We are a veggie family. I don't think it would bother me if my husband ate meat or fish (in fact, I am pretty sure it wouldn't) but I am not as caring to the world as your partner sounds - you can't have everything.

why do people try and control what others do and eat

if someone told me they would be disappointed in me if I ate/did X, I would do it all the more, just because I can. Plus I would get the stinkiest, most delicious fish I could and thoroughly enjoy it.

If you do that you obviously don't like the person you live with who finds the idea of eating flesh repugnant.
You can choose to eat smelly fish but he can choose to find a woman who has a similar approach to food as himself.
If you love someone you usually don't go out of your way to do things to upset them.
Stinky fish usually aren't that delicious anyway, think you're confusing fish and cheese.

wtfwtf - I can totally see why you live your life on 'Red Flag Alert' but it's good to see you can look at things and realise there isn't actually a red flag there.

He sounds really, really lovely - if you decide to kick his lentil loving butt to the kerb I have a friend who would take him in

Hmm. Sometimes these EcoBoys are actually shitty partners, massively self-righteous and unsympathetic if their partners are suffering from unintended consequences of eco-living. People who consider themselves acting for some Greater Good can be unbearable to live with; self-righteous bullies incapable of minding their own business, who alienate you from friends and family because they can't STFU or insist on calling your granny a murderer for cooking a cottage pie.

I think you ard naive to expect unconditional lovein anadult relationship. They are by their nature conditional, ask yourself what things would make you see him differently, I bet you could make quite a list.

Solid have you got something against the OP? Your posts are most odd and more than a little narrow minded.

MrsFry I have always thought this about relationships, but have for years been shouted down about all relationships should be unconditional. Glad its not just me thinks this!

Imho, relationships can never be unconditional. People do change over time - sometimes they move in the same general direction together, sometimes they move apart, which is why not all relationships last to the grave.

If being a vegetarian is extremely important to a person, an inherent part of their identity, and they went into a relationship with a person based on a shared commitment to vegetarianism, I think it's understandable if they felt hurt, upset, angry, whatever, if the partner moved away from that. It would be the same sort of thing if the partner suddenly converted to a fundamentalist religion, joined an extremist political party or similar. If the other person shifts the goal posts on something you find very, very important, it will be unsettling and it's not surprising if you start to re-think whether they are still the person you thought they were or whether the relationship is still viable.

As others have said, there are other ways of getting sufficient protein without eating fish, so that sounds a pretty weak argument. Is there some other reason you feel you no longer want to be a vegetarian? Is there some other reason why you want to do something that you know your partner will find difficult to deal with? Is it "testing the waters" a bit to see what the reaction will be, to test out how committed he is to you?

Sorry if those last questions stepped over the line in any way. Just some thoughts that ran through my head.

Actually Kritiq makes a good point about relationships, if not necessarily applying to the OP's, and only they know the answer to that.
My stbxh got very upset when I started having the odd drink, having been teetotal when we met. Fair enough, if it was important to him, but he turned out to be very controlling about everything. I think I was sub-consciously testing this at that point.Thatmarriage did not survive very long. If it was just the drinking, and it was that important to him, that would have been ok for me not to, but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

I was veggie for a long time and dh became veggie again (having been so for a while as a child) when our relationship got serious. We had a veggie wedding and it was definitely a part of our 'togetherness'. This gradually slipped, he ate more and more meat, Eventually I ended up eating some occasionally for ease, but he would eat stuff I wouldn't dream of having, and we grew apart in so many ways...we have split now, for other reasons, but I still think the change was in a way a 'sign or symptom' that my feelings and values were not so important to him as they had been. So maybe your DH is worried it is a sign of your relationship not being so strong, even though you didn't share the same reasons for being veggie in the first place.

Have to say, that I agree with your DH.
Sorry.

I know you became a veggie for taste, rather than morals, but he didn't know that, evidently.
It would be a big shock if he found out that your morals weren't the same as his all along, when he believed they were.

You don't have to eat fish to get extra protein.
I've been a veggie since I was 13, and I have no problems getting protein. Eat more nuts and dairy stuff, that should help.

Sorry, am back, hadn't realised the thread was still active!

Nobody has offended me in the slightest - I really appreciate you all giving your opinions Although I am the lentil lover of the two of us tbh, he's more a junk food veggie and likely to flounce in a flurry of cheese on toast!

And kritiq, I think yours was a really perceptive post. I think possibly I have been subconsciously testing DP, just to reassure myself he isn't the same as XH, and that he does love me. Realistically, I know that it's not unconditional. I think that's a rare thing in a partnership and more applicable to how I feel about the dc's.

And I do know DP isn't like XH - he really, really isn't, so this subconscious testing is probably something I need to keep check of in myself, if that makes sense.

This is interesting :)
Now the relationship-boundaries subject has been tackled, OP, may I recommend Quorn? Yes, I do know how it's made and that it contains egg white. It is, however, the only VS-approved substance that contributes the same nutrients, in the same metabolic way, as animal protein. Actually, if DP eats cheese, he's not as vegan as my fundamentalist friend so eggs might be OK?

If I had to become a vegetarian I'd still eat eggs, dairy and unthreatened fish. (I hope that day never comes though [hwink])

GBZ
'If I had to become a vegetarian I'd still eat eggs, dairy and unthreatened fish. (I hope that day never comes though)'

You wouldnt be a vegetarian. FISH ARE NOT VEGETABLES!

I know, I'd be a pescatarian!!

I won't though. My jaw's got canines, and I'm gonna use 'em!

Quorn is good. Even I use Quorn when I'm broke :)

wtfwtf - see where you're comign from - I do that a lot to DH. He'll do something that's completely the opposite to Ex, and I'll mention it, or he'll do something that I would expect Ex to do (nothing horrid, but say, he'll do something thoughtless, maybe), and I would say "oh, that's just what Ex would do". He keeps having to tell me not to compare him to Ex.

They do screw us up, don't they. And it's so hard to forget things when there's a random trigger :(