Weird argument with DP - our values are different - what's this about?

[wtfwtf]

Name changed as I tend to over-reveal (and have been outed on here before) so covering my tracks. Will try and keep this as brief as poss!
Been with DP for almost two years, following a marriage which eventually ended with some affairs (his) and emotional abuse type stuff going on. DP is kind, loyal, lovely, has integrity and is extremely emotionally open. These are the things I love and value most about him.

I've been vegetarian since I was little, from the time I realised what meat actually was. It's almost a squeamishness thing. I just never liked the taste nor texture of meat and fish & have never had the desire to eat it. I have no issue at all with what anyone else eats. DP is also veggie. For me, that's convenient, but no more. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if he weren't.

Recently I've been thinking about trying some fish after a nutritionist friend looked at my diet and told me that I was really lacking in protein. It's a big thing for me after nearly 25 years of not eating it. I mentioned the idea in passing to DP and he really surprised me with his reaction - apparently it's one of hig biggest principles to be vegetarian, one of the things he likes most about me and he implied that he'd be disappointed if I went back to eating fish. When pushed, he admitted that he would worry his feelings towards me would inevitably change if we didn't share this fundamental thing.

This all led to a barney where I told him I didn't want to be in a conditional relationship, there were far more important values in my opinion and really it was up to me what I ate. I'm hyper sensitive to any signs of controlling behaviour (thanks to XH) and this rang alarm bells even though he's never given cause for concern before.

So where do I go from here? We made up after the row, but it's still on my mind. Should I be seeing this as a big red flag or does everyone have sticking points? Is it just that his priorities of what he wants in a partner are different from mine, and is that an issue in itself? Thanks to anyone who got this far, I know it's a weird one!!

its not an effort.
Saving money and my health would be worth it but its easy.
I have a good friend with a severe nut allergy who comes over to eat with us regularly.
We dont only eat nut cutlets, lettuce, tofu and drink herbal tea. all of which I cant stand.

I agree with hipsdontlie - If you are prepared to eat meat or fish, then your values are different to DP's. This may come as a shock to him, but don't panic and think it means he won't love you. Just give him time and talk it through with him so you can understand each other's viewpoints. He needs to accept this, even if it means adjusting how he sees you.

I can see both povs. On the one hand, your dh should value you whatever, on the other hand he may feel a bit lost when your values seem to suddenly change.

I imagine it probably was a bit of a shock to dh when I went back to Christianity after many years of keeping away: he hadn't known me in the days when I was a Christian and he must have felt this wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with. We got through it by both being very patient and tolerant with each other and I took great care not to shock him.

TBH I don't think it is comparable to high status job/high maintenance pretty as the OP is talking about values, not superficiality. To me, the thing that underpins how I feel about someone is their values - principles, beliefs and outlook on life. If DP announced he was going to start voting Tory, then yes, I probably would feel differently towards him. And I think it's fair to say that love is generally conditional... I love DP, but if he started being a racist dick or kicking kittens, I wouldn't.

I do get why it's ringing alarm bells for you though if you been in an abusive/controlling relationship before - but I wouldn't see this as the same thing (as long as there are no other warning signs)

Here's a thought - would he be happy with some kind of compromise - like you eat fish, but not around him, in a don't-ask-don't-tell kind of arrangement? If he wouldn't, he's being unreasonable

Being a pompous prick about what your partner eats is every bit as superficial as minding what your partner wears.

I dont see how it's a red flag. If you or him took up smoking after always hating it, it would raise a similar issue. He'll come round, he was probably just taken by surprise

Eating humans and certain other species such as canine would be a deal breaker for me, as would a partner proposing to wear a tracksuit to a black tie function - although I wouldn't necessarily mind if he wore budgie smugglers providing he was suitably attired above the waist.

SGVB - it is not pompus to have beliefs that mean you do not kill animals to eat them.

I think dh wearing a tracksuit for anything other than a sporting activity would be a deal breaker for me.

Kicking kittens and racist outbursts too.

So what about minding about their religious beliefs, Solid? (remembering that to some, what they eat is part of a belief system)

Could you not have felt a smidgeon of sympathy for my dh if he had minded about my converting? And I really would struggle recognising the man I married if he suddenly announced that he was going to vote for Cameron.

OP - do you desperately want to start eating fish itself, or is it just the protein thing? I think you there are other ways of increasing the protein in your diet.

Btw, before I ventured into 'fish' I started eating shellfish, mainly prawns, mussels etc. with the (probably dubious) argument that they don't have a central nervous system/are invertebrates. So not really 'animals' iyswim. I do get the occasional friendly jibe from friends that I will be eating raw steak in no time as well...

Do you know, my dh is very strongly 'with Dawkins' - I'm just vaguely atheistic/agnostic. DH actually sees religion as being a negative thing in society, and responsible for a lot of the ills of society. I'm just fairly meh about the whole thing - don't feel nearly as strongly about it. I can see positives and negatives with regard to the values of religion.

I do wonder if I became a born-again Christian what it would do to him - it would def make him see me in a different light. (it's not likely to happen though).

Agree with SolidGold. Christ what you eat is YOUR business. Tell him to fuck off. Twat.

I'm an omnivore but agree with kunahero. To many of my vegetarian friends being vegetarian is part of their identity, in the way a religious belief is. Saying "I don''t want him to value my eating habits and opinions I want him to love me for my personality" is missing the point. To the OP's boyfriend her vegetarianism was part of her personality, and a part of it that he as a vegetarian loved.
If my husband became an anti evolutionary Christian it would affect our relationship. Not because I don't love his personality, but because his personality will have changed to allow him to contemplate that change in beliefs.
To many vegetarians eating fish is worse than eating free range meat as our waters are overfished and much of the fishing industry is fairly inhumane. If the OP's boyfriend believes this then of course he will be disappointed in his girlfriend's decision to eat fish.
She is not the person he thought she was.

How dh votes is his business. But I'd still ditch him if I found out he'd be voting for the BNP.

I don't happen to care about food. But other people do. In more or less the way I care about religion and politics.

I think he might be right. It possibly is a fundamental value clash dissonance.

I have a lovely friend, with whom I'd like to talk more than we do. We don't because she's a massive animal-rights believer and vegan. While I admire her passion and respect her choices, she doesn't respect mine. She goes "Eugh!" if she sees any animal-originated food, much less sees me eating it, and lectures me. As it happens, I feel her health problems are exacerbated by her diet but have only mentioned this once, as she wasn't impressed.

In summary, she rejects more about me than I do about her, so she's not as good a friend as she thinks :(

I'd be worried, in a situation like yours, OP, that his values & philosophies mattered more to him than my well-being. I'm not sure whether I'd battle it out or consider this a regrettable dealbreaker. But, having survived rather too many abusive relationships, I would NOT be looking into ever-more complex pulse-weaving formulae purely to calm my partner. If a few eggs and a tin of sardines can sort you out, I say go for it and let the chips fall where they may.

Tricky for you. I hope you figure it out without too much pain (and no sacrifice).

Garlic, good point, some people can't just let other people get on with it, which is very sad. Can seeboth points personally, but am vary waried of being controlled myself, having got out of an abusive relationship before.

If you are concerned about lack of protein your diet, why not start eating eggs instead of fish?

If your DH complains, tell him this is not murder of an animal but more like abortion, and surely he is ok with that.

Thanks everyone for your input. Really good to get the opinions of those who are vegetarian too.

To clarify, I do eat eggs already, as does DP. There's no issue there, and it's probably my main protein source at the moment. Have just bought a cartload of supplements from Holland and Barrett and am going to give them a good go, plus overhaul my diet a bit to add in more nuts etc. I haven't missed fish in 25 years, and would rather stay veggie if possible, for me, and not just for DP.

I had chance to talk to DP about this last night, and he told me that kindness and compassion were two of the things he loves most about me, and that on some level he saw me being vegetarian as being an expression of those traits. He's very low key about it, but does lots for others, and supports lots of charities, including animal ones. I think because he quietly gets on with it, and never comments on other people, I hadn't quite realised how important it was to him.

I think I need to chill out about the controlling thing, but anyone who's been in a controlling relationship will understand how much you're determined to avoid the same traps next time round!!!

Sounds like you could give him a chance wtf...

If you were anti drugs and he wanted to smoke a few spliffs, would you be ok with it? Extreme example but sometimes principles matter to people.

OP - I was brought up a veggie (in the 50s - we were rare then!). But having married the ultimate meat-eater - I eat meat - not very often - but I do enjoy a good steak and my curries tend to include meat!

There is no reason why you should not have a totally balanced diet being a lacto-veggie. Are you a vegan? If so the story is different- but perfectly possibly none-the-less!

Do you want to eat fish? Or do you just want to eat it because you think you are 'mal-nourished' - which I very much doubt!

If you WANT to eat it then go ahead - but you ARE changing the parameters of your relationship!

Problem is I wasn't aware that I had defined the parameters of my relationship by what I ate in the first place. But obviously DP felt that they had been drawn, placed importance in this and was therefore affected by me suggesting a change.

Am rapidly learning a valuable lesson in the complexity of relationship dynamics..!

Well, hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise that suits you. But if he does end up flouncing off in a flurry of lentils, bear in mind that he's not that great a loss in that case.