Irrational hatred of MIL?

[nectarina]

Please help, I've got my knickers in a twist about my MIL since the birth of my DD 6 months.
My relationship with her was always civil, although I found her profoundly annoying - she fusses constantly, and pulls guilt trips - if we go to stay and say that we're going out for the morning she moans that she doesn't spend enough time with us and make sure to be back in time for lunch. She even buys so much food before we come so that she can blackmail us into staying for extra time to get through all the massive lumps of sacrificial meat she's bought. Anyhow, I'm digressing.
After the birth of DD i was a bit anxious about seeing them as she was getting so excitied about seeing her - but I wasn't prepared for the grabbiness of MIL, taking DD out of my arms and not wanting to give her back - I've had to forcefully prise her out of her arms in order to bf.
But when I think of it, these are only small understandable annoyances, and I should be more understanding. This then leads to guilt because I feel bad about hating someone who is just a bit lonely...arghhh....
So we're talking about her coming to stay and I feel irrationally petrified. DH knows about it all and is very understanding as he finds her difficult, but of course he wants to see her and everything...
I suppose I want someone to tell me that things will get better with time, when DD is older and MIL less over-excited. At the moment seeing her holding DD makes my skin crawl. I need locking up don't I?

OP and captain - god im so glad i read this post. i felt like that around FIL when DS was born. it actually annoyed me that he seemed to love my DS so much. which is as insane as it sounds. i think what really bothered me was that it seemed he wanted DS to love him more than me. at one time he actually said to someone 'oh mammys a big favourite' and i was like wtf? im his mother, of course im a bloody favourite!
i realise it was totally irrational. part of it is that he makes a big fuss of ds and i hate fussing. part of it was being protective of my ds and wanting him with me all the time. it still bugs me a bit but not so much (ds is 19mo now)
but im soooo glad to see i wasnt the only irratiional loon out there!!!

always do you feel the same re your own parents? It's funny because when my mum says nanny's darling idont mind but when mil dresses her like her and says she looks just like granny I get annoyed

mathanxiety
I feel like this is DH's job. I can't keep up with my family and his. I think it might make things better, although she has clearly a need to hold dd - she isn't interested in observing her, or making faces with her, just hugging her.

"she isn't interested in observing her, or making faces with her, just hugging her."

That sounds ... weird. What were her experiences of being a new mother, have you ever asked her?

I'm another DIL whose relationship with their MIL changed dramatically upon pregnancy. Actually I've just written and deleted a whole screed of stuff that happened, but reading back it sounded reallly stupid. In short: I am still really annoyed with her and how she interracts with DD (who is 3 months now) but am trying to keep it to myself/non obvious because it's really harmless. But I can fully empathise, really.

Wonders if there is some sort of psycho babble type theory on why the relationship with in laws can change so detrimentally when dil has a baby.

Just hope, as a long suffering dil, I'm not like that if/when I'm a mil!

I wonder whether if you have sons and DILs and GCs of your own you will remember this thread?

My DSs are teens now, and I miss their babyhood enormously, and will probably seek to relive it through my GCs.

I think you could show a little compassion for your MIL, rather than portray her as Gollum grasping for the Ring...My Precious....

That sounds just plain creepy to me too, on top of whipping her away out of the room or off to the neighbours. Would she like a puppy? (Probably really putting my foot in it and expect to be flamed for that)

I agree setting up skype etc., should be your OH's job.

However, when your DD gets to be more of a toddler with a mind of her own, she will have no time for granny and the hugging. That's where some MILs start slipping forbidden treats to the GCs or buying wildly inappropriate and over-the-top gifts, pre-empting the parents and sending the Christmas outfit in October.

Empathy dolls are q good instead of a puppy ...

One hand - ha ha you've seen her then? You put it much better than me.

mil & dil relationships can clearly be a very difficult relationship. With my ds, (now 6) my mil used to take him and walk out of the room. I was breast feeding and would say he was hungry (the screaming and crying was a big give away) and she still wouldn't hand him over. I used to get upset like you and think that if she really cared about her grandchild, she would rather give him to his mum for a feed, than try and comfort him to no avail. Now, years later, I also watched her do the same thing with my bil's baby. I realise that she is a mixture of stubborn and insecure and feels the need to show people she is capable of comforting the baby. Its a shame when women do this and I know if I ever hold a baby and it cries, I instantly give it back to the mum, who I appreciate can sooth them much easier.

Your visits don't appear to be very often (try weekly all day :( ) and things will get easier. Try and grin and bear what you can. I did and the things I found too difficult to deal with, I asked my DH to step in. I reasoned that if he told his mum to hand back the baby, that it was less hurtful than me saying the same. It works well. I look nice and he tackles the dodgy stuff, like FIL feeding the kids a ton of sweets before dinner, without asking us first! I do feel for you but it will pass and the women clearly loves her grandchild.

I would meet on neutral ground, like a holiday cottage. It may help. I had similar problems and it does get easier.