Irrational hatred of MIL?

[nectarina]

Please help, I've got my knickers in a twist about my MIL since the birth of my DD 6 months.
My relationship with her was always civil, although I found her profoundly annoying - she fusses constantly, and pulls guilt trips - if we go to stay and say that we're going out for the morning she moans that she doesn't spend enough time with us and make sure to be back in time for lunch. She even buys so much food before we come so that she can blackmail us into staying for extra time to get through all the massive lumps of sacrificial meat she's bought. Anyhow, I'm digressing.
After the birth of DD i was a bit anxious about seeing them as she was getting so excitied about seeing her - but I wasn't prepared for the grabbiness of MIL, taking DD out of my arms and not wanting to give her back - I've had to forcefully prise her out of her arms in order to bf.
But when I think of it, these are only small understandable annoyances, and I should be more understanding. This then leads to guilt because I feel bad about hating someone who is just a bit lonely...arghhh....
So we're talking about her coming to stay and I feel irrationally petrified. DH knows about it all and is very understanding as he finds her difficult, but of course he wants to see her and everything...
I suppose I want someone to tell me that things will get better with time, when DD is older and MIL less over-excited. At the moment seeing her holding DD makes my skin crawl. I need locking up don't I?

phish your brat like behaviour is exactly what I do... Leave room to avoid getting wound up.

Glad you've made it work now tho!

Sorry, didn't realise your DD is 6 months- maybe you could leave her with your MIL just for an hour or two while you have a rest/ go for walk/ shopping or something- honestly, sometimes giving them a bit of time together eases the pressure a bit.

I preferred not to be around when MIL had DD1, I couldn't get as annoyed if I couldn't see her cooing and simpering over my baby! There was no danger to DD1 through being left (well, maybe eardrum damage from MIL's singing at her ) and it kept my stress levels down to have a bit of time alone.

Ha ha phish - picture mil singing 'what shall we do with the drunken sailor' as loud as she can to try to get dd off to sleep.
I'm too from a somewhat 'stately home' family - who i keep at a friendly distance. Even after 14 years i haven't got to grips with mils stifly sense of family and to top it off dd is mil's first dgc.
Leaving the room has been my tactic too, i can't bear to watch her frantic baby-loving.

at 'what shall we do with the drunken sailor'! How very restful!

Our situations sounds very similiar- MIL is very lovey dovey, almost soppy, whereas my family don't tend to show emotion, so it seemed unbearable to me. I hated every minute of her being around up until DD1 was 1 and DD2 newborn. She wasn't anywhere near as bad with DD2, and I mellowed out a bit from the PFB days.

Now I can spend a day in her company and actually enjoy it. I may do an inward eye-roll every now and again though .

Honestly, it gets easier with time, and with a child's ability to escape if they want to (whereas a baby doesn't really get a say in being cuddled, when they got a bit older both my girls made it clear if they needed space).

I am loving the phrase 'frantic baby-loving' that really does sum up MIL in the early days!

Well, you certainly sound like you are holding all the cards... Play it our way or we won't come and you won't see granddaughter!

Op you sound a bit mean, and if your mil didn't give a toss about your dd it would really hurt, believe me.

Just remember one day you might be someone's annoying mil as well, subject to lots of conditions and restrictions with your much loved grand babies.

And I speak as one of the most brow beaten daughters in law on the planet!

Changing - you are totally right of course. I am mean and i don't like it one bit.
Not wanting to excuse things, as far as my family goes i've had to fend for myself as it were, my parents making it clear not to ask them for anything - the upside of this is that they don't expect anything of me, so then its hard to be generous and sympathetic of a mother of a much more close-knit family.
Still, i don't think she's ever made the effort to understand how i feel, and i feel like an accessory to her new relationship with dd.
Its true that i end up holding the cards, but shouldn't she respect my position as the baby's mother, rather than just a breeder for her dolly fantasies? This is perhaps harsh, but shes made it clear that she'd rather dd wail with hunger than give her back to me. Thats a difficult position to put a new mum in.

It is at the worst when they are babies-it sorts itself out when the baby is older and has a say!

I think this stage will pass and if you cut your nose off now your dd will miss out, especially when your family are standoffish (as mine are, so I know how you feel). Your mil could end up being just what you need when your dd is older and doing your head in! I keep my mil in reserve for just such occasions :)

Is this her first grandchild because that is always a bit intense but should get easier. When I get annoyed about similar things I try to imagine my dc grown up with a baby and me being in the position of grandma and that makes me much more kindly disposed as the thought of not playing a big part in my adult dc lives and their children is horrible.

It upsets DH greatly that MIL has also lost interest in him as well as us. Somehow we do weekly skype calls and whenever DH starts talking (inc in response to a Q) he is interrupted due to baby loving. That part is horrible :(

Okay OP I know exactly where you're coming from... I felt this too, it was totally irrational. they're nice, but I felt sudden hatred and irritation that I couldn't explain. I never showed it to them, I bottled it up and let loose on MN and to DH (it upset him that I suddenly found it difficult to be in the vicinity of his parents, but I really couldn't understand it myself so I couldn't expect him to). My DS is now 18 months and those feelings are almost gone but simmer under the surface. But they love him and he's their only grandson.
It's odd... I love that my parents are affectionate with DS and give him kisses and cuddles but when PIL do it, it turns my stomach... I really don't understand why I react like this and I hate myself a little for it. I will never share this feeling with DS he loves both sets of grandparents and I'm grateful he has them in his life.

Gosh captain, you've said what i didn't even dare acknowledge to myself. I feel the same way - i love passing dd around and watching how people interact with her, but it turns my stomach when mil interacts with her. This of course is my problem to deal with by myself.

You have my sympathy nectarina but it is irrational, you know it is, I know it is. It's our problem, not theirs... They just love their grandchild and really you can't ask for more than that.

I think parents do too much second guessing of themselves and their instincts tbh. Taking the little one off to the neighbours? -- raises my hackles even thinking about it and my youngest is a 10yo. Some of the things I saw my mum doing back in the day made me and however.

But exMIL, on the few occasions when the DCs were exposed to her, took the . Pounced on half awake 6month old DD1 whom I was carrying from the taxi after we had flown down for a visit, startling her so much that she screamed and cried that terrified scream babies do when they are out of their little minds, then when I had finally started to calm her down in a quiet room, in she barged waving a bunch of noisy toys and shouting 'Toys -- does she want toys???' Cue another half hour of DD1 screaming hysterically. Just what you need after a long day of packing everything a baby needs for a week away from home, as well as whatever you and the H need, and schlepping the lot through two airports and one airport carpark. She rubbed Vicks right under DD1's drippy nose when she was about two, with the result that DD1 of course ended up with big stinging blobs of it in her eyes, and no sleep for anyone that night. Too late after the fact to remonstrate with her, though she never tried the Vicks trick again, and she wasn't the sort to take other people's complaints seriously anyway.. Then she wondered why I seemed to keep so much to myself whenever we visited and kept the children away from her out in the fresh air, walking, playing at the park, etc. She used to complain about me all the time to exH, I learned.

"To keep asking and nagging when you've said no is very odd."

Perhaps becasus the OP never wants to let her MIL hold the baby. To be honest it does come across that you aren't allowing your MIL to build a relationship with her grandchild. It sounds like she loves being a grandma and you are preventing her from enjoying her granddaughter.

My MIL adores babies and I had no problem with letting her cuddle my daughter whenever she wanted to. MIL had breastfed her children so handing DD back to me for feeding was never an issue.

Bunbaker - When we go to stay she holds dd for about 2 hours every day, but if she had it her way it would be all day. She's never given her back without one of us asking.
She also told me how much she had to breastfeed her boys as they were big and hungry, so I don't know quite why she thinks dd can go without... You say you had no problem letting your mil cuddle your dd whenever she wanted to - I'm presuming you don't mean when she's crying because she's due for a feed.

I too was fine with anyone else holding DD1, just not MIL. I feel awful for how I felt towards her at the time, it was just like all the bad feelings I had (depressed) were aimed at her. It was a horrible, horrible time. It was irrational, but I couldn't cope with the difference between her way of being with babies and mine, it drove me mad. It was also about control too- everything felt so crazy that I had to control what I could iyswim?

It really really does get better though. And I'm so glad that my DD's have the PILs around and have a loving relationship with them, as my mum is not openly loving and they don't see much of my Dad. PILs even took DDs for a weekend away recently and they all had a brilliant time.

I could have written your op, she got worse with ds2 though. she doesnt see them now as her new bf called me all the names under the sun as she ran crying to him as I wouldn't let her rock him to sleep (which I never do) whilst stumbling round drunk!

Think you just need to stand up to her or it'll carry on forever. Soon your dd will be mobile and not wanting to stop very often for cuddles etc so it won't be as difficult or she'll say no herself!

"I'm presuming you don't mean when she's crying because she's due for a feed."

No. I have a very understanding MIL and she would never have dreamt of hanging on to DD when she needed feeding. It sounds like your MIL feesl she doesn't see anough of her new granddaughter and over compensates when she does. Can you not have MIL to stay more often?

Try to see it from her side. She sounds very lonely.

You arrange to visit and then 'go out for the morning' (which could be a quater to a half of the time she gets to see her DS).
Do you invite her to go with you?
She asks you to be back for lunch - reasonable giving that she has generously bought lots of food - yet you take offense

The woman who loves her DS hates her. How do you think she feels?

The baby snatching is clearly wrong but please don't do the passive aggressive threats to visit less that hamster suggests - that would be cruel

math an my mil also put heap loads of eucalyptus oil sly over DDs Moses basket when she was 3 mths ok'd even tho I specifically told her dd did not have a cold (I did)... Stank out the whole room, had to was everything and couldn't fix the hood on again.

Mil also woke dd up whined was 5 mths and dh wasvaway after I'd had hours of trying to get dd to sleep. Why? Because mil, in her own words wanted to play. Fil used to pull the blanket off dd to see what she was wearing, again waking her up. I've a good mind to rock up at their housecoat 3am and pull the blanket off them...

Grr get just thinking about it. Used to want dh to understand but he thinks it's all in my head so no good ranting to him anymore... So I use mn to vent

*all, although it was sly too!

The passive aggression is a difficult one - its what I want to avoid at all costs, but any honesty I come out with is met with defensiveness or hostility. And it doesn't sink in anyhow. I end up not wanting to cause problems and tolerating things whilst quietly seething. I just don't see a way out of this.

She lives in another country so this doesn't make things easier - when we visit its for quite a while so it gets even more stifling. She's not lonely either, I didn't mention fil because I don't feel the same way about him. I think she sees her new dgc as solving all her problems.

I'm not threatening to visit less! But the more she compensates for not seeing often the more I feel uncomfortable about seeing her.

People might think this is different but when dniece was born, I was over the moon and made extra effort to get on with a very difficult narc SIL in order to have a good relationship with DN, my mum has had to do the same. It makes perfect sense to me that you need to respect the wishes and role of the mother of any child you want to have a relationship. There should be no sense of entitlement that leads to weird power struggles.

And I hope she doesn't know I hate her.

I would still favour some honesty. OK so it makes her feel defensive or agressive. Her behaviour makes you feel defensive or aggressive, and yet she continues with that behaviour. Why is it OK for her to respond to comments with defensiveness or agression where as you have to bottle things up and seethe?
If she gets aggressive and defensive at your comments so be it.
At least having her in another country means you don't have to see her that often. The wanting to hold the baby for ages thing will soon pass when baby starts crawling and walking and doesn't want to be held by anyone, and squeals, cries and wriggles.

Since she lives in another country, would you be able to send her more frequent photos or start skyping, putting the baby on your lap and letting her wave at granny maybe once or twice a week? Assuming she has a computer of course. She would get her baby fix and you would be able to say you had taken the time to let her in on things, albeit from a safe distance...