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Original poster

What the hell do I do for the best

57 replies

Kerb252318 · 18/10/2011 08:07

basically it's a long story. Had DD with partner in jan he was never mad on having kids but after I got pregnant he slowly came round and seemed to become excited. When she was born it was a shock as all babies Are but she screamed and cried all the time wouldnt sleep. It was terrible we tried everything I even took her to a &e once as was so worried. Instead of being supportive and helpful he was angry and swearing all the time. He couldn't do much as I was breastfeeding so I did all the nights he slept in spare room and slept. At 8 weeks which was about the worst with the crying one night he said wish you would both f##k off. So I did crying all the way went to stay with my parents in Bournemouth. Think I was close to having PND but spent two weeks there and they were amazing. since then go down once a month for a weeks visit which I love easy daddy gets a break!!

This has basically been the pattern for the last ten months. Don't get me wrong he is great with her when she is good an loves to play with her but never wanted the crap such as feeding night duties early morning. I used to hear him moaning and swearing up stairs in bed when she was crying or making noise downstairs. In the early days I would never have left her with him as I didnt trust him. This is not the case now but he still rarely has her alone. There are so many incidents where I have had no support or he has lost his cool but I can't possibly go on about them all.

His nature is miserable and moody always has been but he has a loverly charming streak. So many people say you DP is so laid back!!

He spends most of his time moaning about what a nightmare she is and how loud etc. As you can imagine due to the last ten months my feelings have changed about him I no longer respect or love him. It's been a tough few months and everybody agrees she has been a tough tough baby but she is loverly and my world and she is getting so much better now she is starting to move

He went to amsterdam this weekend on a boys weekend when he got back last night old him I had enough wanted to split. He was shocked and gutted. If I moved out which I would as he put down all money on the house and pays mot gage I would have to move to Bournemouth 180 miles away taking his daughter. If my parents lived around corner would have gone ages ago. What shall I do!? Now I feel guilty. If I leave I have to give up my nice house and all my friends and life here. I'm lucky I have that in Bournemouth to but even so. Then there are his parents who would be gutted as she is there only long awaited grandchild.

He told me in an argument a while back I would never blackmail him into having more kids!! I would like another but I don't see how I could with him as I basically feel like a single parent and I certainly couldn't manage two. So we don't have a future do we.... Feel sick!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kerb252318 · 18/10/2011 11:47

Thanks cold toast. Your right if I never stood up to him would just keep on the same it's almost normal now. I have given him loads of chances to and nothing changes. Never said this before though....now he will change I'm sure. Short term anyway. But you can't just like someone again can you.....the fact is the lastbten months have been predominantly shit. Even if we moved on and totally changes ( who does that) how would I forgive him

OP posts:
Cezzy · 18/10/2011 11:58

If you don't love or respect him anymore, it's time to go. Your dd will be better off with a happy mummy. The more you stay and put up with him, he will not change. You threat to leave should be a wake up call to him to change his behaviour and if he doesn't, you are best out of it. If he really loves you he will try to change and listen to what you need but do not be blackmailed into staying. If his parents are okay to you, you can still keep in touch with them and arrange for them to visit but you need to put youself and dd first. It is scary but you can come through the move.

StopRainingPlease · 18/10/2011 12:12

He's 38? He sounds very immature. What is it with so many men, that they can't handle the responsibility of being a father despite being so far into adulthood?

screamingbohemian · 18/10/2011 12:34

He's 38?? Oof.

I think you should go to Bournemouth. It doesn't have to be forever, it's not an irreversible situation. But go for now and enjoy life with your family and get some support.

The first months are so, so hard. I know me and DH had awful fights and said awful things Blush But we never stopped loving each other, and I think that's the key point -- if it's so bad that you don't even love him anymore, there really is no point in staying.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 12:43

He's 38 going on 8 and I've known many 8 year olds who are less , self-centred and self-absorbed than the selfish git who, by his own actions, has shown that he's destined to become little more than a sperm donor to you - if he hasn't already.

Get thee and dd back to your supportive dps and the lovely life that you have in Bournemouth; don't make any plans to visit Brum for a good few months so that the onus will be on him to shift his miserable arse if he wants to see his beautiful dd and prove to you both that he can be more than a pathetic apology for Peter Pan.

pollyblue · 18/10/2011 15:00

He's 38?! Bloody hell.

You are so lucky to have the support of your family, and the option to move to be with them and give your dd the loving family she deserves. Grab that chance with both hands and run for the hills.

Original poster
Kerb252318 · 18/10/2011 15:51

I know 38 is laughable......he acts like an 8 year old. He wants to have his life the same while I struggle with her. Like you say who knows what will happen , it's not like his friends don't have babies and we are the only ones. They all have kids ...but obviously ours is the worst! He keeps saying it will be easier when she's older and can talk. I haven't to heart to tell him that brings even more problems!! Like some of you have mentioned I don't want his negativity to rub off on her....

OP posts:
sweepitundertherug · 18/10/2011 16:27

Good god. To gIve mine his dues, he was very good with dc3.

aCTUALLY, HE'S VERY GOOD WITH ALL 3 OF THEM.

Farking caps, I switched them off.

CailinDana · 18/10/2011 16:40

Just want to ask a few questions OP. What was he like before DD was born? Was he kind, supportive, loving? You say he wasn't too keen on having kids, was DD unplanned? If he was quite a good partner before DD was born then it could be that he developed post natal depression. It's not an exclusively female illness. The moodiness, the anger, the unwillingness to participate are all shit behaviour that you shouldn't have to put up with, I totally agree, but they all sound like symptoms of depression to me. Basically he had a life he enjoyed and then DD came along all of a sudden. He thought he'd come around to the idea before she was born but when she was actually here the reality hit him like a tonne of bricks and he couldn't cope. It happens to hundreds of mums every year. I agree his way of dealing with it all has been awful, just horrendous, but the fact that he reckons it'll be "better when she's talking" again sounds like depressive thinking - the idea that if one thing changes everything will suddenly be better.

Have you spoken to him about why he's found it so hard to cope?

onlylivinggirl · 18/10/2011 16:43

Could he do anything to change your views? It is a big decision. Did he realise how you felt? it sounds like this has come as a shock to him. Can he move out and continue to see you both and work on it?

I know a lot of men find it a lot easier once the DC get past the newborn stage and start to get more interactive. the first few months are a shock even with a good baby. My DP used to complain about how hard work DP was and still moans (a lot) about how he doesn't get any me time- I think sometimes they can't see beyond the fact that you want/love the baby (and probably appear on the surafce to be coping with it/enjoying it) to the fact that you might have the same feelings. I also think the older they are the more selfish they become and the harder it is in a way. I am not trying to make excuses but...

Ormirian · 18/10/2011 16:44

Well he already told you to both fuck off Sad. I guess that's your answer. He doesn't deserve a family if that is his attitude.

No reason why he and his parents can't be part of her life - but you can't live with him when he's so obviously a reluctant resentful parent.

Original poster
Kerb252318 · 18/10/2011 17:08

DD was planned but very quick! Shock to us both. I totally agree about age he has led his own life for a long time and practically no experience with. Yeah he could feel pushed out as hardly have much energy left for him and just couldnt be bothered if he had moaned or been miserable. Before baby we had had issues with commitment etc he has always been prone to mood swings being miserable etc so I guess I should have known . But when I got pregnant we were really happy and got on so well. We have talked but not enough hens why we hardly speak. He is very quick to say hurtful things and when I remind him he plays it down and says he didn't mean it like that's ok.

We do need to have a big long talk.thanks or everyone's help though it's really great xxxxxxx

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 17:09

< clutches sides >

he is suffering from PND ?

yup, that'll be it [hhmm]

abendbrot · 18/10/2011 17:16

When you have your talk, decide what you want to say before you go in, Kerb. You have looked at what's going on, you see it for what it is. Go with your gut instinct - analysing it will not help. You are a good person. He needs to appreciate it. He clearly doesn't. Let him go and find someone else who will suit him 'better'.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 17:23

PND? Yup, that's it. He's exhibiting classic textbook symptoms of Pillock-Numpty Disorder which was originally discovered in the 1950's by Mrs Pillock-Numpty, wife the unnoted Dr Pillock-Numpty.

There is no cure but regular application of a sturdy boot to the posterior of the patient can provide temporary relief for the patient's wife [hgrin]

Original poster
Kerb252318 · 18/10/2011 17:31

He he he. I have IBS to that's irritable boyfriend syndrome for sure!!!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 17:46

< arf >

tallwivghoulies · 18/10/2011 21:56

Kerb Grin

If you "need a big long talk" I'm assuming you're not showing him the door right away, even though you have impeccably articulated many reasons why you should. Give him six months three months a month - then think again x

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 22:18

give him an hour to pack his stuff, then show him the door

I don't think that is going to happen though Sad

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 01:00

Kerb, the ONLY way you are going to be treated seriously is if you follow through with this.

You need to ideally tell HIM to leave.

He needs to see the consequences of his inaction. You need to get out of this situation, let the fog clear and then perhaps entertain the thought of taking stock again to see IF he measures up.

HE needs appraising and interviewing for the post of Daddy. If he can't cut it, you are still young, you can carry on interviewing until you find a suitable candidate.

Original poster
Kerb252318 · 19/10/2011 06:04

Just to keep u updated we had a talk last night . Managed to both be civil. I have asked him to stay at his mums for a bit and go from there. Otherwise nothing will get resolved. Gonna push for him to go today

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 19/10/2011 07:20

push him hard to go

and then make him sit down and formulate a concrete plan of things he is going to do (not just say) to make himself a better partner and father

a few days break pampering by mummy then back to the same old selfish routine won't cut it, I am afraid

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 16:41

Don't back down. Don't negotiate.

Agree with AF that he needs to come to YOU and tell you what he proposes to do to make amends.

If there is ANY chance this can be salvaged, it won't happen unless he realises what he stands to lose. It's a risk, but in many ways a win/win.

AnyPhantomFucker · 19/10/2011 19:04

How are things, kerb ?

I am sensing softening Sad

Come and tell us what you are up to. Soft or hard as nails...we are still here.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 19:10

Get rid of this fucknugget. What comes across to me in your posts is that there were times when you were frightened to leave the baby alone with him in case he harmed her. It's obvious that your relationship was only ever going to work when it as All About Him, there's no doing anything with a man like this apart from getting rid. Hopefully he was at least good looking and you got those genes for your DD.

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