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Original poster

This can't go on long term, can it?

70 replies

PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 07:58

I've been with DP for around a year and a bit. Originally we had plans to eventually move in together etc but now he's decided that he doesn't want to do that as it wouldn't be fair on his DCs so he wants us to stay as we are for the next 10-15 years or so. I find this rather ridiculous to be honest, we only see each other once or (rarely) twice a week and only communicate via text in between that time. We can never go on days out together as he doesn't want to involve the kids in our relationship so on the weekends when the kids are not with their NRP, we can't see each other. It's stupid, we're both sat around saturday/sunday wishing we had something to do when the obvious thing would be to go out together or visit one another but we can never do that.
Same with Christmas, I won't see him at all over christmas as the kids are off school. Summer holidays was the same. We're both going on separate holidays abroad etc etc and whilst this would all be ok in anew relationship - I just can't imagine carrying this on for the next 10-15 years. It's stupid. I want to be with someone who I can call up (or who calls me!) on a weekend so we can go out for a drive - someone who I can wake up with on Christmas morning and someone who I can sit going through the holiday brochures with before deciding where to go TOGETHER.
I have spoken to DP and voiced my concerns and his opinion is that everything is fine and he doesn't want anything to change. He certainly doesn't want to end things and thinks I'm being a little idealistic in what I want from a relationship. Am I??
He keeps saying stuff like "ooo just think, it 15 years that will be us sat on that beach in Thailand". Hmm In 15 years I'll be 45 and he'll be 53. I want to live a little BEFORE I get to that age.

It isn't a lot to ask is it? or am I being idealistic?

OP posts:
GalaxyWeaver · 18/10/2011 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 18/10/2011 10:22

Get out. And as another poster put it, "run away laughing". Your DP is deluded, not you.

And? Count yourself lucky. Sounds like your DP would be an absolute nightmare if this relationship went any further. Being with a man with kids is tough. Being with a selfish man with kids is masochism. And being with a man with kids who has no intention of integrating you in that relationship? Masochistic and pointless.

Good luck. You deserve that real relationship.

earlyriser · 18/10/2011 10:24

Are you sure he isn't still married?

oldwomaninashoe · 18/10/2011 10:32

You wait 15 years then you probably find out you can't live together!

This is most odd, I'm thinking a hidden agenda here, are you sure you are not his "bit on the side"? or that he is hoping to get back with his wife and is keeping you for insurance?
I would be most suspicious of a man with whom I could only communcate with by text.

I would tell him that you want a relationship on your terms ie a normal one, if he's not willing, wave goodbye.

LydiaWickham · 18/10/2011 10:43

how about, you say, this isn't working for you right now, so you'll go off and see if you can find anyone who wants to have the sort of relationship you want now, and in 15 years time if you are both happen to be still single, you'll book that trip to Thailand with him?

Really, if he doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you for 15 years, it's terribly rude to basically 'reserve' you until he's ready.

Go off, have fun, if you want him in 15 years time when he's in a position to be with you, then start dating him.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 10:48

people who talk wistfully of going to Thailand in 15 years time want fucking shooting

and the people who indulge them in that fuckwittery want their heads examining

Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 10:51

Thanks for the advice, you all confirmed what I thought anyway. I mean, I would be happy to carry on like this for the first 2 or 3 years of a relationship but 10-15 years is taking the piss. I'm 30 now and a completely different person to who I was at the age of 20. It 10-15 years I'll be a completely different person to who I am now. So will he. It's ridiculous to think we can string this out for over a decade.

He definitely isn't married and I'd be surprised if he had another girlfriend on the go to be honest because he never does anything. Highlight of his week is going around a car boot sale with his dad. He never goes to the pub, people from work invite him out to to the rugby etc all the time but he won't go. See that was another thing, he seems intent on keeping me away from his friends. One time they were all going to the local and I suggested his friends meet up with my friends later in the night - he then made excuses not to go out at all.

I know I'm nothing to be embarrassed about. Ok I'm not Kate Moss but I'm not hideous or half man or anything! the problem is 100% him on this.

He acts like he's already retired. This week the highlight of our week is that he's coming to my house Wednesday for coffee and biscuits Hmm jeez show me the way to the retirement home, I think we're lost.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 10:54

Christ almighty, whatever did you see in such a bore ?

I think you are being a bit naive too

The massive steps in keeping you away from friends and family is a big waving red flag

don't think the quiet ones aren't dipping their wick elsewhere

I'd be surprised if he hasn't got a wife/OW on the back burner somewhere else

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 10:55

any redeeming features at all ?

massive cock ?

great in the sack ?

what ? < doubts it >

Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 10:59

Not really AF, we USED to have a good time when we were together, we used to have a laugh and it seemed at one point that we wanted the same things out of life but it's becoming apparent that really isn't the case. Now when we're together I just get irritated by him. He's still firing out the same jokes from a year ago, tells me in great delight that he's thinking of going to Gran Canaria next year (it's not jealousy, I have money to do these things, just I was kinda hoping we'd maybe do something together). Sits there telling me about all the great stuff he found at the car boot sale - all the while my friends are out having an amazing time in the local/cinema/nightclubs etc which I've passed up on because it's "his" weekend. I'm starting to feel quite resentful about it all.

OP posts:
screamingbohemian · 18/10/2011 11:01

Not only do you need to get rid of him, you should probably do some serious thinking as to why you put up with this for so long, before you seek out another relationship.

The man is obviously delusional. You know you deserve so much better, right?

MadameCastafiore · 18/10/2011 11:04

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 11:08

are you going to dump him though

or are you going to waste some more of your life and stagnate with him ?

Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 11:09

Yes Screaming, I do. I think part of me is actually quite angry at myself for putting up with it all. Sometimes I think he might have a mental health problem (I'm not trying to excuse him) because for instance there was a period when I was a bit skint whilst waiting for a lump sum back payment and he "Treated" me to a few things (like 2 for £10 at the carvery, nothing amazing) but then he was sat there considering what I could treat him to when the payment came through and was actually quite engrossed in this thought process and started suggesting various restaurants etc. I don't know about anyone else but if I "treat" someone I don't then sit there wondering how they can repay me! He just seems to have no social skills at all. His excuse for me not meeting his friends was that he's scared I'll fancy them or that they'll say complimentary things about me (as if that's a bad thing).
We had a rare night out a few weekends ago and he was insisting on me wearing the skimpiest of dresses (its actually a top but could be dressed up as a short dress, that's how skimpy it was) and it was ffing freezing - and we had to walk 30 minutes to the pub as it was. I didn't wear it but apparantly he's concerned I'll wear it when he's not there??!! wtf

Sorry just ranting now. I think I just needed to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 18/10/2011 11:09

I'm with Larry and wannaBe - sounds like he is still at least partly "with" his wife, or alternatively has an "official" girlfriend on the side already... get rid!

Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 11:10

Sorry crossed post.

AF I'm going to finish it. I think I was scared before of being lonely but I'm so busy at the moment I doubt I'll think about it that often!

OP posts:
Ephiny · 18/10/2011 11:10

OK, so I can't see what you get out of this relationship at all. You rarely see him, when you do he bores and irritates you, there's no real future to the relationship except for some vague 'in 15 years' plan...stop wasting your time, start living the life you want for yourself, and maybe you'll meet someone who wants the same! Either way you'll be happier than you are now.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 11:10
Hmm

You have been tolerating this creep ?

Really ?

Are you going to dump him, or is this just a little venting session ?

Ephiny · 18/10/2011 11:11

(oh I see you are going to do just that - good for you :))

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 11:12

ah yes, another cross post

sorry, didn't mean to harangue you Smile

You remind me of someone who put up with shit like this for years

When she finlly saw the light, it was like her life started all over again !

Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 11:12

Both AF - a vent with a conclusion Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
PainInTheThroat · 18/10/2011 11:12

oops another crossed post! I'm so slow lol x

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 11:13

I hope so...for your sake, love

pictish · 18/10/2011 11:16

So do I. He's totally selfish.
God knows you should expect better, so get back out there and be free to get it when it comes.

What a horror.

Send him a voucher for his chosen repayment restaurant as a parting gift. Wink

Katisha · 18/10/2011 11:17

I think he's history!
Go and find someone who wants to live life WITH you, not let it all pass by.