Thank you for your posts.
The thing is I could manouevre the situation so that it goes back to being more pleasant but I don't think dh is interested in it ever being emotionally close, equitable and open.
Trying to improve things in the way I know I could would be better for all of us, but I don't want to go back to the status quo we had before. I want to radically re-negotiate things between us. This I think will not be possible but seeing as I knew or should have known that dh is a difficult person before I had kids with him, how can I now split the family of those same children - is how my reasoning goes.
Stonewalling is emotionally abusive and I agree that h is happy to be in this solitary state. He interacts affectionately with the dc but is actually a very solitary character. Also addicted to work and spends EVERY evening of EVERY day working on his laptop for hour after hour. There is no talking to someone who does this as you only have a tiny portion of his attention.
My housekeeping skills are improving but it is true to say that when 3 dc were younger (now 5, 7 and 9) the house was a lot messier. H and I also have different expectations of what constitutes tidy and what really gets me down about him and makes me think "what's the point" is the fact that he will always find something wrong - he is critical / sarcastic / negative.... He also has a short temper. Possibly depressed by work and exhaustion but hardly the person who would ever seek help about this. I have had enough of the domineering / dictatorial side to his character and would like to feel accepted and not judged. I think from his point of view he took the house being messy as a sign of how little I respected him and this may have been true. I also went through a phase of spending too much money (my savings but still not right) which is long past but has left its mark. I would be willing to discuss all of this.
H has same propensity as me to accumulate clutter so it is quite astonishing how much vitriol he throws in my direction about this when the entire attic (which is a proper room and could be used as a bedroom) is full of his clutter.
It also gets me down that although various parts of the housekeeping are really improving, he never seems to notice and definitely never says anything. Just carries on moaning.
I suppose he is the stern father figure (he is 12 years older than me) and I am the submissive child who desperately wants to be liked. I am fed up with this dynamic but have no idea how to change it given how closed off h is.
The actual thing which started the stonewalling this time was an argument we had when I felt he was being too angry with ds about something. Can't remember what and water under the bridge now but stonewalling remains. I am sure h has forgotten about this.