Stonewalling dh

[curious2]

Hi, don't know why I am posting really as I know dh and I have deep running problems and a total inability to communicate. I have posted about this for many years and have had a few different names.
At the moment he is ostracising me completely and the thing is, to avoid rejection I am not exactly talking to him either - definitely him who is doing the stonewalling though, with me just not bothering to say anything as know what kind of response I get (very cold one liners which are purely functional).
Last week I asked him on the phone if he would go and see a counsellor with me but got the very predictable response which I had expected - counselling is a pretentious thing, all I need to do is tidy the house (one of the big bones of contention between us but I think this is the presenting and not underlying issue) and then "he'll see" .
I am going to see a counsellor by myself (not a relate one, just a general one) and have decided to work on what I can control - ie. getting a job is my next priority. All my kids are at school now and I would love to work as a teaching assistant somewhere - when my youngest was in reception last year I did a course and also volunteered at my kids' school. I am just about to start volunteering at my kids' school again with a view to applying for jobs as and when they come up in any "near enough" schools. The problem with this is that in the current climate and with a lot of people wanting to work in school hours, I don't think they are very easy to get. I applied for six TA jobs at the end of the summer term last year and did not get even an interview.
Anyway I don't really know what I am asking but somehow I cannot believe I am in the position of being totally ignored by the person I live with. I think we have both damaged our relationship and would be more than prepared to discuss it, but what do you do if the other person has no apparent need / desire to relate to you at all?
This is the third long period of being ignored in the last 3 years - I managed to get dh to snap out of them the other two times (one was about 5 weeks long, the other about 8 weeks) but this time I somehow cannot be bothered. We have lots of general day to day problems as well (when we are talking), all of which could be discussed if he wasn't so defensive and quite to shout / blame. Mostly I am sick of the lack of affection between us and how critical/negative he is. I spend most weekends dreading the next complaint / criticism / sarcastic remark etc...
I am also doing an OU course but have not managed to start studying properly as I am distracted by all of this and would perversely like him to be interested in what I am doing . I am sure some of his behaviour stems from hurt but how can we ever work on this if he won't talk in a reasonable way?

Hi curious2 Am always afraid that my hurt, bitterness and (above all) heartbreak will influence my comments! However, AF always gives good advice and now HerScaryness is here! Listen to them and all the other good-hearted posters; you won't be on your own, whatever you decide. So wish that I had had the benefit of MN - best wishes and good luck!

curious2 - the thing with ongoing stonewalling is the person who's doing it (your H) is getting hurt - YOU ARE, and, hence, he can keep it up relentlessly. I tried to deal with it by ignoring it and getting on with my own life (didn't have much of a life) with the dc - that didn't work well because by some hurtful action/decision he always managed to prove that, basically, I was irrelevant in the overall picture. Or, I woud try and play him at his own game and stonewall him back - I was no good at doing this either;it was excrutiating for me as it is so alien to my nature to do this and it hurt me (still) and I just withdrew into myself (which I suppose is what he wanted - for me to be invisible, OR, I would lose the plot and get angry with him (just because I was hurting), OR (and following was the approach he said he needed from me - to be soft, warm, feminine....... - so I tried this, and GUESS WHAT - he rejected me.

Sorry, OP, - Your H ISN'T getting hurt

When I stonewalled him back (even for a couple of hours) he would go absolutely mad when he himself was treated like this.

But, do you know what? It STILL DIDN'T STOP HIM DOING IT.

I know that you are all right. Mainly I am sad that through having to move on from h, I am not going to be able to spend all my time with my dc . That is what stops me from doing anything as dc and I spend quite a lot of time during the week having a nice time together while h is working and I kind of forget our problems until he comes home.

H and I did talk to each other today about superficial stuff but by tonight he was back to the not talking thing and then had an absolutely paddy because he knocked over a packet of cornflour that was in the cupboard (the inside packaging was open but the box itself was closed) and referred to me as STUPID (not to my face but I knew it was about me - I was in the other room but could hear the ruckus) and the MESS everywhere - ie in cupboards etc... not even true, not minimalistic but fine. Shouted at me about it when I came into the room and then proceeded to throw things around - bang cupboard doors - as he tidied up the mess.

Bellsring - know what you mean about feeling invisible.

Thank you so much for all your kind messages.

The worst thing is that I can accept h is pissed off about stuff and feels hard done by work wise but how on earth can we move forward together if he doesn't talk about any of this stuff and give me a chance to air my complaints as well???

Aren't you the one who has spent years with this complete bellend telling you that you must do more housework and open your legs more often (while he does exactly what he likes, because he is the man) and then he might manage to treat you with basic courtesy? This man thinks women are less than human, and this is a viewpoint that will not change.

The housework part is true, not the other bit - in fact not at all, it is possible that I have a higher libido than he does only I wouldn't know any more !!!

Hope that you are feeling a bit better! Take care!