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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says I have an unattractive personality.

29 replies

sittinginthesun · 17/10/2011 07:51

Apparently, I talk too much, am neurotic, and highly strung, and this is the reason I don't have many friends.

I am so sad about this. I feel as though a big bubble has burst.

I do have friends, lots of friends, but not a close group of girl friends. I am nobody's best friend.

I know I am a bit manic, and I have always been a bit like this, but I am quite shy, and being chatty etc always got me over this. I have to listen a lot for my job, and think I am quite good at talking to people who are upset. The thing is, people only call me to meetup when they are low or want support.

This is generally ok, but if I want to go out for a drink etc, I may have to call half a dozen people before I even get a reply.

I am so upset. I dont know whether he is right, in which case I just don't know what to do, or whether he is being over critical (which he is, btw). I have been secretly crying in the bathroom all weekend, and have such a headache now, I have just phoned in sick fir the first time in 3 years.

OP posts:

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 17/10/2011 07:53

does he have lots of friends?

If so I am surprised, or is it only you he is so mean to?

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 17/10/2011 07:54

people calling you when they want support is a compliment BTW!

Sossiges · 17/10/2011 07:56

Have another hug. He has no right to be so nasty and should just go and jump in a lake.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 17/10/2011 07:58

also, it's often hard to get people to go out for a drink as people are busy/can't be bothered going out..well they are at my age (39) IME.

catsareevil · 17/10/2011 07:59

He married you so he cant think you are really that bad.

Do you think there is any grain of truth in what he says? Sometimes when people are a bit shy and anxious they can respond to that by going a bit over the top in social situations and talk all the time, which isnt that much fun to be around.

On the other hand people calling when they need support isnt that unusual, and depending on how much notice you are giving people to go out for a drink you might need to try a few.

If there is any truth in what he said then this could eventually turn out to be a good thing that he has spoken. If this was my DH though I would be angry that he had not said anything sooner and let me carry on without pointing out to me the implications of my behavior (not that to say that he is necessarily correct, but if that is how he sees it, why not tell you sooner, ans more sensitively?

pallymama · 17/10/2011 08:00

What a horrible thing to say. Does he realise that being a mean git isn't exactly an endearing quality?

FWIW, you sound like a good friend. I certainly don't call my high maintenance friends when I'm low.

Sossiges · 17/10/2011 08:07

Did it just come out of nowhere or was it said during an argument?

LittleHouseofHorror · 17/10/2011 08:17

Ouch! What a nasty thing to do to you.

The big bubble that has burst is your self confidence from the sound of it. But being positive some good can come of this.

EITHER he is talking nonsense but has revealed himself to be an unkind and unsupportive arse and you should look hard at your relationship to see whether this kind of demolition job is typical of him when he wants to cut you down to size and keep you in line

OR there is some truth in what he says (and he is talking about your behaviour not your personality btw). If so you can get some help to look at why you appear neurotic and talkative to cover up your shyness instead of just being shy. You can decide to change how you act if after mature reflection you think he has a point. Or you can decide you are happy with yourself and he is the one with the problem.

Don't let his hurtful behaviour demolish you. Tell him what he said is unacceptable and you are very hurt and will be taking a day off to consider it fully. Then ring your HR and see if they have a counsellor, or ask your GP to refer you, or google BACP and ring up a therapist and ask for a trial session. Or even ring the Samaritans who can be lovely.

I so feel for you. It is like someone has seen that you are putting on a front to get through the day and has pulled the mask off and it hurts like hell. But out of this will come self knowledge and wisdom and you will be able to move on in life with a bit more confidence in yourself as an authentic person.

You sound lovely and very sensitive to others which is a big positive.

Original poster

sittinginthesun · 17/10/2011 08:24

Thanks everyone. It came out because I had said that I might be going out for a drink, and when he asked if I was, and I said no, because the two friends I had called had not called back, he launched into it.

He is not a horrible person, but he does tend to say "too much", if you know what I mean. Tact is not his strong point. He is very very popular in his circle - he is great fun, and a bit of a party animal. I am much steadier. It usually works well, and we balance each other, but at the moment he is a bit full of himself...

I'm sure he has a point, but I am such an insecure person underneath, that I am just completely doubting myself now. I'm not loud, or "bubbly" but I do talk too much. I have been trying not to do this over the weekend, and I just feel so selfconscious now, I can hardly get a word out.

OP posts:

SootySweepandSue · 17/10/2011 08:27

No such thing as an unattractive personality!

If you would like to look at yourself/how others see you why not do a Myers-Briggs personality test? You can find them online if you google it. Then at least you have some ammunition to tell your DH that he is being a bit of a cock.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 17/10/2011 08:34

Don't doubt yourself, doubt him! There is no justification for what he said at all.

SirSugar · 17/10/2011 08:50

Advice for you to run off and maybe get some counselling to find out if your H is right about your 'unattractive personality' is frankly absurd.

Its at the very least rude of him to have a pop at you when you could have already felt down about the fact your so called friends didn't call back about the drink; He could have offered to take you out instead.

I'd change my friends if I were you and tell him to get of his perch, its outrageous - who the fuck is he, the personality police?

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take a long hard look at how people are treating you and don't accept crap from them; one persons trash is anothers treasure.

northcountrygirl · 17/10/2011 08:58

He's wrong. You clearly have one "friend" too many.

eaglewings · 17/10/2011 09:00

Understand where you are coming from in terms of friends, mine call me when they know I am down or they are down!

I don't think counselling will hurt, not because you need to change, but because it helps you understand yourself better. Seen so many people helped by it

As for you dh's comment, he chose you!!!

Adversecamber · 17/10/2011 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peachy · 17/10/2011 09:03

Ask him why the f he married you then.

We all have personality faults: mine would fill a very large book. But if someone loves us they at least see past them to the person within, if not there is something seriously wrong.

FellatioNelson · 17/10/2011 09:06

Did he actually say you have an unattractive personality, or is that your conclusion based on what he actually said about you being neurotic and talking to much? Because if he did say that then he is a spiteful arse. What a horrible thing to do.

catsareevil · 17/10/2011 09:33

Sooty has a good point about the Myers-Briggs test. Its a great way to see yourself as others possibly do. A little painful, but I found it really useful and recognised the truth of some of the conclusions, which were things that people would have probably been reluctant to tell me, IYSWIM. It was helpful in terms of realising that there were some things I should approach differently.

pollyblue · 17/10/2011 10:01

I have quite a few friends, but tbh i don't have a "best mate" and doing even simple things like arranging to go out with friends for a drink can be difficult - 10 years ago when none of us had children it was no problem but now everyone has more commitments and less free time.

Please don't try and change your complete personality because of this - people obviously do like you so you can't be all bad . Try and analyse your DH critically - i bet you could think of a few negatives about him too. It was harsh of him to critise you, when you're obviously sensitive about it.

Perhaps counselling would be a good idea? To help you feel more confident socially, and help you take tactless remarks from your DH on the chin.

Original poster

sittinginthesun · 17/10/2011 10:02

Hello again. I've just found a Myers-Briggs on the internet, and had a quick go. Not too scary. In fact, it makes me look rather boring.

I don't want to get angry with DH, but he did actually use those words!

I had counselling a couple of years ago, for bereavement, and it was amazingly good. I think sometimes I need to just pull back and think about what she told me. I am a pleaser, and worry a lot about what people think. I must remember that other people have thier own issues and often what I see as something I have done wrong is, in fact, because other people have their own problems going on... etc

I think I do have to calm down a bit. Everyone is telling me I am too stressed (doctors, dentists, osteopaths etc).

Thank you all so much for letting me moan. I am just going to make the most of this rare day off work, and try and pull myself back together.

OP posts:

anothermum92 · 17/10/2011 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sittinginthesun · 17/10/2011 10:11

BTW, this was the M-B type:

"ESFJ

For ESFJs the dominant quality in their lives is an active and intense caring about people and a strong desire to bring harmony into their relationships. ESFJs bring an aura of warmth to all that they do, and they naturally move into action to help others, to organize the world around them, and to get things done. Sensing orients their feeling to current facts and realities, and thus gives their feeling a hands-on pragmatic quality. ESFJs take their work seriously and believe others should as well. "

I've done two separate freebie tests, and both came up with the same. You know, I feel better for this. My DH often wants me to be more like him, and I am just not. I am never going to be a wild party animal.

OP posts:

catsareevil · 17/10/2011 10:17

Have you read this?

I found the equivalent page for my personality type very useful.

Sossiges · 17/10/2011 10:22

ESFJ sounds like a lovely type of person, I don't think you have anything to worry about except your H's tactlessness

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 17/10/2011 10:23

I just wanted to add that your DH has been mean.

I think that I am fun and kind and also hav trouble getting people to go out, esp at short notice. It's hard when everyoe is married and skint and has DCs.

hope you have a good day off :)

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