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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to divorce DH

31 replies

horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 18:37

I have changed my name for this.

I am very upset at the moment as Dh has yet again done the same thing to me tonight as he often does, he says he will be home at a certain time, then mobile gets swtiched off and I know damn well he is out drinking. Sure enough he then comes home pissed.

Today was his last day in work and has promised me all week that he would be home mid afternoon. I had made arrangements for tonight also we go away tomorrow to his parents for the weekend.

His phone is switched off and he is out drinking .

I am really at the end of my tether with this behaviour, I can't stand the thought that he has no respect for me , or the kids really when he does this. We have had so many arguments about this behaviour but nothing changes, I have had enough and want out.

I fell physically sick at the moment that he could do this to me again and as far as I'm concerned this has put a dark cloud over Xmas. His parents know that we are not having a good time. Dh works virtually a six day week, his choice and we hardly ever spend any time togther, I have had enough of this drinking.

I have tried spekaing to him to go to Relate but he won't do it, I called the police one nigt due to his drunken behaiour but it was OK for a while but ..well look whats happened.

The house is in his name, bought before I meet him. He lived here with his previous wife who left him for someone else, surprising NOT !

I am a SAHM with no money to call my own, what rights do I have re the house etc if I should go and seek out divorce . I have had enough of this behaviour . I don't know what else to do to get the message across that this is not acceptable.

OP posts:
FIMBObellsFimbleAllTheWay · 22/12/2005 18:42

Sorry I don't have much experience but I read your post and wanted to respond.

Someone else will probably be along with the correct advice but CAB can help. Can you and the children go and stay with someone maybe after Christmas - would this give him a wake up call - or would he be indifferent?

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 18:48

To stay with someone else after Xmas -- I don't really know without getting my side of the family involved when we already have worries about my Dad being ill. Dh would proably go into work as he oves his work more than his family at the moment I think.

I am so confused as I don't want the kids to miss out on thier father but I can't live like this anymore, I get very upset and end up shouting at the kids. DH does need a wake up call , I just don't know how to go about it.

OP posts:
ladymuck · 22/12/2005 18:49

You could go and talk to Relate by yourself. It might help to clear your thoughts, and focus on what you want. You can then talk to CAB in the New Year about your rights.

In the meantime I would suggest to your dh that it was about time your name went on the house deeds - in case something happened to him.

FIMBObellsFimbleAllTheWay · 22/12/2005 18:53

Couldn't you threaten to leave him?

thecattleareALOHing · 22/12/2005 18:56

If you are married doesn't matter about who owns the house etc. Marriage means that you own everything together - all your property and possessions belong to the marriage, and can divided up in any way the court thinks suitable for your needs. He will also have to support the children, and, if you cannot earn anything, you too, quite possibly.

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 19:18

have threatened to leave him before but he just throws the issue of the houseownership and my lack of money in my face , he feels he has ahold over me.

OP posts:
thecattleareALOHing · 22/12/2005 19:19

If you are married, then he doesn't. Ownership means nothing in marriage. It really is 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'. What's his is yours and what's yours is his...or whatever else the judge decides.

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 19:25

If I went to a solictor , would he write a letter to Dh outlining what I would be entitled and that I am considering divorce on unresonable nehvaiour or would this be a step too far at the moment ?

OP posts:
thecattleareALOHing · 22/12/2005 19:27

First of all, give it a bit of time. Don't do anything in haste or fury. See how you feel after Christmas. Would you really be happier alone? I can understand why you are so furious btw.
You can also tell him you've had legal advice via the CAB and you know that you are entitled to at least half of everything, and probably more, because you'd have the children.
He might then be slightly more amenable to counselling or at least talking.

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 19:32

yeah I think you are right, I am very angry at the moment and need time to think it through.But on the otherhand I am so very unhappy. Have just spoken to my MIL about it all, she knows that her son is in the wrong and feels for me and has said that it is obvious that we are unhappy. But DH takes no notice of anyone and think he is invincible .. that is why he need a big wake up call. I fell terrible tonight and am taking it out on the kids. I have so much to do for tomorrow and though he was going to be here to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 22:22

He's been home about an hour, pissed, we just have a massive argument, and he has put the blame on me that he has nothing to come home to why should he come home etc etc.

I told him that I was going to see someone next week and he has said fine, the house will go on the market in the New Year ! But this is the family home can he do that ?

He is has now gone off to bed in the spare room leaving me fuming, he always does this and I am the one left to cry and ne angry whilst he sleeps off his drink.

I just feel so sorry for having to put my kids through all this. I love my children so much but I can't carry on living qith a man like this. when I meet him I had my own hoiuse and a succesful career which I gave up to look after the children , now I have nothing. I feel like he has destroyed me . he is in bed snoring whilst I am crying my eyes out over the keyboard.
I really hate him at this moment and can fully understand why people physically hurt each other because that what I fell like doing to him now.

OP posts:
bossykate · 22/12/2005 22:25

sorry you are so upset - understandably so imho

is there someone you can call now? or just run a nice bath and relax? or have chocolate or ice cream or some small treat to cheer you up?

i agree with ladymuck, get an appointment with relate for yourself and talk to CAB in the new year.

good luck.

galaxy · 22/12/2005 22:26

So sorry for you...no dount he will wake up in the morning and behave as if nothing's happened. I had one of those

006 · 22/12/2005 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 22:42

its both a marraige problem and alochol problem in the sense his line of work mean socialising alot, plus he works mainly with men.

He will wake in themorning and pretend that nothing has happened , its always the same
He also said tonight that since I have lived with him I contibuted nothing to the house.

Well i was bringing in nearly a good wage, contibuted to household bills, never the moprtage as it was in his name, and I owned the car as he didn't have a car when he met me.

I don't want to be on my own , I've been divorced before and know how bloody awful it is, I was just getting back on my feet when I met him and now look at me .

I have no money of my own, he moans if I buy clothes but its Ok for him to smoke and drink, why is he like this, I've called him a control freak in the past. I think he is still suffering from the humilation when his first wife left him for anothr man some 13 years ago, hence him not willingly to put my name on the mortage.

OP posts:
006 · 22/12/2005 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippimistletoes · 22/12/2005 22:48

If I was you I would try and put everything on a footing to have a good Christmas, in the sense of try to reconcile diferences and enjoy some time with the children..

but look again at how you feel in the New year..purely on the grounds that there is both more stress at the moment and less oportunity to discuss without outside agencies

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 22:54

he has become a shit aswll when not drinking, at the weekends its like walking on egg shells with him as I don't know what mood he is going to wake up in. Its like he is having withdrawal symtoms from work and would rather be eslewher. He will then fly into one about how untisy the house is, whcih its not.

He'll go on about the state of our bedroom, which I hate and have no inclination to keep nice, as it has the same decor as wehn his first wife lived here , plus the ceiling has never been painted since it was replastered after a leak.

I would love to get the bedroom decorated but he has the control over th purse strings and he has the final say.

My eldest has just started school and Dh si easier said than done at the moment, as there is no way I could afford a place of my own and to stay with family I would have to move away .

I've tackled him about whether he is having an affair but he denies this, but it has often crossed my mind.

He hardly spends any time with us, and we do not have a happy family life, its mainly me and the kids. Thers no point him being around except for the money side.

OP posts:
Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/12/2005 22:59

Anyway all many thansk for your advice, I just needed to get some things off my chest, off to bed now , a shit load to do tomorrow morning before we set off for the Xmas hols.

At least at his parents we are likely not to argue we will just ignore each other. I really have nothing to say to him anymore.

thanks for listening , hope you have a Happy Christmas.

OP posts:
006 · 22/12/2005 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecattleareALOHing · 22/12/2005 23:57

He can't sell the house - go to the CAB and they will help you.

colditz · 23/12/2005 00:03

The CAB will help you, they have certainly helped me. It helps me to know that I know what to expect if the last straw ever comes, and I have to leave or lose my sanity and self respect. I now know what to expect. The people at the CAB really helped to give me my legal position, and told me what sort of help I could get, what to do in an emergancy etc.

However, i am not sure there advice to you would be the same as to me, as I am pregnant therefore a vulnerable adult therefore the council's legal obligation to house me are differant I think.

I am pretty sure thoug, as you are married, that it doesn't matter whether you are on the mortgage or not. You have as much right to the house as he does, I think. Don't quote me though, i am neither married nor a house owner.

I do hope you feel better soon, it is horrible when you row at Christmas.

My sympathy xx

notasheep · 23/12/2005 00:03

horriblexmas-the first 30 minutes with a solicitor is free.My ex husband was a gambler,a pea from the same pod.

I am thinking of you,life can get better-sorry this is very short,very late and off to bed.

Peaceful Christmas to you

Original poster
horriblexmas · 22/02/2006 20:57

Here we are in the middlw of Feb and afetr what happen at Christmas the the false promises he has made we are in the same situation again.

It took him two weeks to do the drinking thing again after th episode at Christmas and now we are on number five .

I cannot beleive he still does this, I am dreading him coming home tonight as on the last two occasions it has been ridiculous.

Agin I feel physically sick because of the hurt he is causing me , for god sake it was only a few days ago when he did it to me last. what is the F**k wrong with him ?

Last Friday he came home drunk and ending up sending an insulting email to his parents, and the week before he had a dispute with a taxi driver and I ending up calling the police as the taxi driver was refusing to take the money I was offering him as he wanted more. I kept husband out of the way otherwise it would have
escalated .

Yet again his mobile is switched off and I have sat downstairs for the last hour and half in silnec crying and wondering what to do.

I have finally phoned Relate tonight and hopefully will have an inital appointment in the next couple of days. If it wasn't for my son going to school then I would be out tonight and stay with my brother , whcih would then mean the newsof our disfucational relationship being known to my family.

OP posts:
harrisey · 22/02/2006 21:11

I have no advice for you at all, but wanted to send you a ((hug)) and let you know that you are not alone - we on MN are here for you and ready to listen all the time.
Take care xxx