I want to divorce DH

[horriblexmas]

I have changed my name for this.

I am very upset at the moment as Dh has yet again done the same thing to me tonight as he often does, he says he will be home at a certain time, then mobile gets swtiched off and I know damn well he is out drinking. Sure enough he then comes home pissed.

Today was his last day in work and has promised me all week that he would be home mid afternoon. I had made arrangements for tonight also we go away tomorrow to his parents for the weekend.

His phone is switched off and he is out drinking .

I am really at the end of my tether with this behaviour, I can't stand the thought that he has no respect for me , or the kids really when he does this. We have had so many arguments about this behaviour but nothing changes, I have had enough and want out.

I fell physically sick at the moment that he could do this to me again and as far as I'm concerned this has put a dark cloud over Xmas. His parents know that we are not having a good time. Dh works virtually a six day week, his choice and we hardly ever spend any time togther, I have had enough of this drinking.

I have tried spekaing to him to go to Relate but he won't do it, I called the police one nigt due to his drunken behaiour but it was OK for a while but ..well look whats happened.

The house is in his name, bought before I meet him. He lived here with his previous wife who left him for someone else, surprising NOT !

I am a SAHM with no money to call my own, what rights do I have re the house etc if I should go and seek out divorce . I have had enough of this behaviour . I don't know what else to do to get the message across that this is not acceptable.

In my opinion it does sound as though he has a drink problem and I do have first hand experience of this. It has taken my loved one 30 years to admit his problem but all the broken promises etc do hurt.
If you are a person who shouts and screams at him as soon as he walks in drunk then it will get you no-where. You need to try and address the issues rationally the next day when he is sober. Sit down with him and ask him for the reasons why he feels the need to drink so often and ask hi if he knows how it makes you feel. Ask him to listen. If he does not admit to having a drink problem then at the moment there is not much you can do as the person needs to admit the problem as the first stage to getting help.

You can always contact Al-anon which is a group for people with relatives/friends of people with a drink issue who can support and offer advice (even if the drinker hasn't yet themself admitted it!)

horriblexmas,

so sorry to read your thread, my dh had promised to give up something that was bothering me and it has gone on for years, i found about month ago he had done same thing again after twice goingto relate and threatening to leave, so i thought if i dont do it now i never will and he will just keep thinking he can treat me like crap, so i asked him to leave which he did we told kids he was working away and he booked in b&b 5 mile away he was away two days and came home with tail between legs and so far so good. maybe he needs a short sharp shock - ask him to leave and see what happens

thanks for your messages.

unfortuately I do rant and rave when he comes home which as you say doesn't get us anywhere. Last week I was determined to ignore him when he came home but then we had the incident with the taxi driver.

I have spoken to him in the light of day and he knows how much this hurts and it hurts me even more that he continues to do it.

I hope I can get the appointment with Relate so I can sort my feelings out. I don't know what to do to make him stop doing this, he knows what it does to me. It is really screwing me up and I just cannot understand why he does it when he knows what it does to me .. I need to understand that bit

Thers no point asking him to leave as he will throw it back in my face that its his house etc etc, as per posts at Xmas.

I though the incident with the taxi driver and calling the police would give him a wake up call as guess what he is a police officer himself !! I had to keep him out of the way and deal with it as he could have got into big trouble, he was so grateful the following day .I'm just dreading what is going to happen next.

it does seem to be drink related and unfortnatley in his eyes he isn't doing it to you as you put it although yes it does feel like it. There is something causing the need to binge drink which may be something more deep rooted but it is very difficult to get to the cause of that.

Maybe he doesn't need Relate yet but if he admits to the drink problem then alcoholics anonymous can help.

Alcoholics manifest in differesnt ways. they are not old men on a park bench, or people who cannot function with out a drink first thing in a morning. heyare also binge drinkers who may have sessions every few days weeks or even months.

I hope you can get some help.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad and low. I know it doesn't feel like it but it's not done to hurt you he does it cause he needs to and doesn't think about anything else. It may well be his escape mechanism for when he can't cope with life (no excuse just a thought).

Unless he can and will face up to who he is and what he is doing then the only thing that you can do is protect yourself and you children and if that means leaving the relationship maybe that what you need to do to save yourself. I know it's hard but maybe you can't fix him and I know how much that really really hurts to think you can't help.

I really hope that your appointment at Relate is a good start for you, and as someone else has said we're all here to listen and give our points of view if you want them.

Sending you a big hug.

H x

Unfortunately you cannot MAKE him stop. No amount of pleading/reasoning/shouting will make any difference because he is (sounds like) an alcoholic and thus his relationship with alcohol is more important than any other relationship he has. Only he can decide to stop, when he wants to. For some alcoholics it means losing their family, job, home, friends before they want to change.
The only thing you can change is yourself, and your reactions to his behaviour. If you cannot tolerate this then make arrangements to leave; get some advice and go. If you decide to stay, I cannot recomment Al Anon highly enough -to help you cope with your frustartions and lack of control over your husbands behaviour.

(I could not tolerate this - so I would have to go)

I wish you the very very best of luck

my DH is an alcoholic who has been dry for 8 years. for him rock bottom was being having a car accident whilst drunk........It could have been much worse....