He pushed me out of the car

[LouP19]

Went out for a 'nice day' with husband. We got into an awkward conversation at one point about his family and money issues and he completely lost his temper and kept telling me to shut up. He then pulled over and pushed me out of the car and sped off. He left me in the middle of no where on a country lane.

He came back within 5 minutes and apologised and asked me to get in the car. We drove back in complete silence, I came upstairs and he came up again to say 'I'm very sorry I should not have done that'. I told him to leave me alone for the rest of today, and he has now thankfully gone out.

I'm in shock. I don't know if this is very serious, or to be grateful that he quickly recognised the insanity of his actions and tried to right them. We were in the middle of no where in the countryside, so I had no idea when he would come back. I can't even begin to sort this information out in my head, let alone talk to him about the awfulness of what he did.

He does have a bad temper (and when I see his family I know where it comes from), but we've been married for 4 years and it has massively improved. But he hasn't even done anything like this before.

Should I just move on and see this as a blip? Is this normal?!!!!!

I've known of people pulling over during a row and yelling at the other person to get out and fucking walk home. Not great behaviour but not necessarily abusive, either. People do row with their partners, people do get angry, shout and swear etc sometimes. However, if in general one partner feels afraid of the other, feels that it's not possible to raise difficult topics in case the other partner becomes physically aggresive, then that would be an abusive situation.

can't take constant nagging and have to get out of that situation quick

• So this car doesn't have a driver's door?

OP You are an adult.
You have the right to an opinion.
You have the right to voice that opinion.
He does not have the right to tell you to shut up as if you were a possession of his.
As for driving off and leaving you in a deserted country lane, or anywhere for that matter, he was out of order.

liverLadyLass I think you do men a disservice.
Certainly some twats of either gender might have difficulty controlling their tempers though yes.

You had a row. Stuck in a confine space. He wanted you to shut up. You wouldn't. So you goaded each other. He needed space to cool down and asked you to get out of the car. He drove away and came back 5 minutes later and apologized.

Now you are sulky and he's apologized at least twice already and more.

If you were home, he would've just left the room to cool down or took a walk.

Stop sulky and accept his apology. You were both in the wrong and no one was being abusive. Anger and frustration came head to head. Get over yourselves.

So basically some of you are saying she should have sat in silence for fear she upset the great man any more? Not say anything to aggravate him on a lovely day out and be the good wife and shut the fuck up. Is that it?

Does this set a precedent now that she not raise any issues with him in future for fear he may lose his temper and it'll be her fault again?

No, it's not normal.

Should you see it as a "blip"?

Arguably on the bald facts.

But your first reaction seems to be not to treat it as an inconsequential, but embarrassing loss of control on his part. Why?

If he's a hothead who acts now and thinks later, why are you so shocked by this when he came back so soon?

Something about this was different from what you are used to. What was it?

Schnarkle considering he is driving she should have stopped you shouldn't get people riled up whilst they are driving not because they might stop and try to get you out of the car but because it will affect their concentration increasing the chance of an accident. Talking about someone's family is a good way to get them angry and angry people are not exactly known for level headed thinking.

I can highly recommend counselling to change how you both approach situations. We had one a few years back. Things got broken (incl a relatives finger...) lots of shouting and terrible behaviour. The only route left was counselling. What happened (on a single night) was so unacceptable that we both agreed to do it.

Highly recommend it. My DH also saw someone separately once on his own to help address something without me. We only went to one joint session. Ever since we have been able to see the warning signs of tension and deal with it. Ie limit how much we wind each other up at the wrong times. You know what I mean. That one night, when we saw how out of hand it could get, was enough to scare us into changing how we interacted.

Would you both try it? Give it some thought. We found it a game changer. that was 5 years ago.

Good luck

You can have an argument but when you are pushing someone too far to the point where there will not be any reasonableness then stop, cool down, and discuss it more rationally later. Its not about being careful; its about being on the side of rational when arguing. In this situation, both the OP and her DH were beyond rational. That's why I said that they both in the wrong.

They've been together for 5 years. They know when they've pushed each other to the limit during arguments.

While I think he was wrong in not telling her that he will be back, he was right to diffuse the situation. It shut them both up and calmed them down enough to arrive home safely. What if this argument continued onto the main road? They could put people at risk. Also, maybe it will give them each perspective about the problem and how to discuss things better like never doing it in the car again.

Why is it so hard for people to consider that if HE is the driver, and HE is the one losing his rag, HE could be the one to get out of the car and take in some fresh air?

Nobody's saying you can't have rows in a car - the problem is that he chose to dictate HER behaviour, not to manage his own.
Jeez.

Wouldn't you be scared if you were dumped on your own in the middle of nowhere during a row? I would. It's totally unfair, there are several sensible ways to manage the situation but pushing your wife around and causing her to be afraid is not one of them.

Good point, garlic, it would've been easier for him to get out of the car. But he didn't. However, at this point, I think all sense of rational thinking was gone and he just wanted to leave to cool down.

And, no, you should not have rows in the car because of the inattentiveness to the road and other drivers but people still do it anyways. Don't put other people at risk. Its the same as you shouldn't talk on your cell phone or text while driving. Inattentive driving.

I don't think I'd be that scared, no.

Not if I knew it was just a mad moment of fury, and he'd never leave me there for long (which he didn't).

So I'm interested in why the OP is struggling to forgive him when he seems (from all appearances) to be sorry, and has apologised repeatedly.

From what she says, she was really shocked by what happened. It was not of a piece with his usual hotheadedness.

What changed?

If the OP were a man, I've seen on it here suggested that sulkiness/silent treatment is a form of punishment or emotional abuse against the female.

Since its the female that is giving the silent treatment, not sure what it would be. Maybe the Powers That Be will let us know.

I don't understand all the 'mansplaining' on this thread.

Posters agree that H was furious to the point of losing control.
A person who is not in control of himself shouldn't be in control of a car. It's dangerous.
He demonstrated this point by doing a high-speed U-turn and screeching away.

He could have just stopped the car and got out. But he didn't.
Instead of controlling himself, he chose to control his wife.

Tell me again why it's fine for a man to be unable to control his temper, to control his wife instead, and to drive while not in control of himself?

He apologised. Why does that make it okay? He hadn't just spilt some milk, he'd acted dangerously and overbearingly. An apology is no guarantee he's learned from the episode - he seems to think he's nothing to learn ... as do most of the posters to this thread, apparently

What garlic said.
I just can't believe some of the responses I am reading on here. As for justifying it in terms of rowing being dangerous in the car - he drove off at speed doing wheel spins. How on Earth is that not dangerous? Do you really bring up your DDs & DSs to understand that being a man (which as some posters clearly believe) means that you will be biologically incapable of controlling your emotions or treating your partner with respect when something makes you cross? And that if you are a woman you should do your best not to upset men and to obey their commands, otherwise their extreme reactions will be your own fault . Really?

So a wife should just be be quiet or when told repeatedly to shut up she should just be a good littley wifey and do it? Really? And for gods sake whatever you do dont nag a man-cardianl sin apparently.

Am disgusted at most of the responses on this thread. Those of you who have told the op that she shouldnt have riled her dh and deserved to be chucked out of a car in the middle of nowhere-you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

If her dh cannot control his temper then he should have been the one to get out of the car and walk away. It is not acceptable to push your wife out of the car.

Op-I really cannot comment on whether or not your dh is abusive but I would say that I would find this level of anger unacceptable. You need to have a serious conversation with him and make him understand how out of order his behaviour was and how he has to address his anger issues.

Talk to him ask him why what made him behave that way is it a one off? Is work stressing him out? Did the argument progress to the point of nearly crashing? Exgf grabbed steering wheel of my car on motorway at 70 nearly causing a pile up, out she went at services and her dad picked her up.
Theres always a reason when things get out of control so find out what it is from him before it happens again. Hope you get it sorted OP there nothing worse than confusion.

right

I was having a row on a deserted country lane...ok

ok....all being equal I would expect the driver to drive back to civilisation ie. my house and then to go home in a huff

if a twat did an attention-seeking wheely on a country lane, I would be well pissed off

and even if he came back 5 mins later the damage would be done

who are these immature people who think this am-dram bollocks is ok ???

OP...tell your partner to get a fucking grip and that he isn't in an episode of Miami Fucking Vice and he cannot treat you like that

if he does it again...give him his marching orders

pink I am with you

I find myself wondering what some people would say if the OP had ejected her dh from the car after a row in which he criticised her parents...

OP you have reminded me of an incident many years ago when I was in a car with STBXbf aged 20. We were arguing over something and when he stopped the car I jumped out and ran off in the middle of the New Forest. He drove away then couldn't find me again! It took about 30 minutes before we were rather sheepishly reunited.

That relationship ended partly because we argued so fiercely over everything. I remember once throwing orange squash at him because he insisted Maggie Thatcher was wonderful!

Do you really want to live with such an angry man? With such a volatile temper? Wouldn't life be easier without so much conflict?

an exP of mine once rejected me from his house at 11pm

I had to walk home at midnight

we only lived about 20 mins away from each other

ok

in that time was kerb crawled

I was propositioned

I then was stalked for several hours around my neighourhood while I was too scared to let my stalker know where I lived

I ran up and down side streets for 3 hours

I was then twatted by dad for arriving home and knocking my parents up at 3am

you pillocks giving OP shit for "winding her partner up"

fucking think on will you ?