Hi, I?ve lurked here for a while and been really inspired by the stories of all you amazing ladies and certainly learned a lot about relationships. However, I?m ashamed to say, I never really thought that it would be me.
I?ve been with my partner for 5 years and we are due to get married next year. For a long time I really couldn?t put my finger one what was wrong. We argued a lot and I came to feel anxious and stressed and felt that I had no control over my life. I felt he criticised everything I did and that nothing was ever good enough for him. He sulked a lot and I felt he could be quite ?anal? and pedantic towards insignificant things and always wanted his own way.
Last year the deal breaker for me was when I came home to find him sulking as usual. He was angry that I had not done a particular household task. In order to ?teach me a lesson? he had taken the household item and used it to ruin some of my things. I couldn?t work out exactly why this freaked me out. It was not so much that what he did was disgusting but more that the thought behind it seemed to be vindictive and spiteful. Weeks later we had another argument and he tried to shove me out of bed. He told me that if I didn?t change my behaviour then I should get out (of our shared rented flat). I packed my bags and left the next morning. I was honestly just relived but it seemed a lot to throw away and others seemed to agree.
We went to counselling and he argued that I didn?t respect his feelings and he didn?t feel loved enough. I was resentful and spoke about how I felt controlled and belittled and how the vindictive streak frightened me. We talked all this through over months with the counsellor and things seemed to improve. I moved back in with him and everything was good. A month later he proposed. I didn?t really feel ready, but for some silly reason I said yes.
That was a year ago and ever since then I have had doubts. I came to dread discussing weddings and panicked at the thought of our future. We no longer argued and things seemed ok, except I became anxious all the time. I stopped going out and seeing friends or spending money. Not because he threatened me, but because it just seemed easier not to. I have spent the last year feeling like I am going crazy. He frequently told me that I am or that I need help. I couldn?t put my finger on what was wrong. I cried all the time, couldn?t sleep and felt like I was being suffocated. The thought of getting married made me feel sick. I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me. If only I could stop that annoying feeling then everything would be perfect.
A few weeks ago, I was so worried that I went to see a counsellor. I told her that there was something wrong with me and that I wanted to fix it so that I could be happy. She wanted to talk about the relationship and after a few sessions she mentioned that my relationship sounded abusive. I was completed shocked and convinced she was on the wrong track. I figured I must have exaggerated what was going on, as on the whole my partner is a ?nice? guy who is generous and caring. However it planted a seed in my mind. I stated lurking on here and even read the Lundy Bancroft book. Parts of it could have been written about my partner. I identified with so many of the women in the book that it frightened me. However, I was still convinced that it couldn?t be true. I even chose to ignore everything and just be more enthusiastic about my relationship.
Until a few days ago!
Partner lost his temper big time. He didn?t actually hit me, but was very aggressive, drove like a maniac, caused me to bump my head, shouted names at me, wouldn?t let my out the car then barged past me to the bathroom, where I had been running to hide. I ended up shaking and terrified hiding in the kitchen. Later he came to apologise but I was still so frightened of him I covered in the corner. This shocked him.
We both calmed down and had a frank talk though insanely I didn?t feel angry- I didn?t feel anything. He was devastated and for the first time admitted that his temper was a serious problem and that he wanted to get help. The next day I woke up feeling that it had all been a bad dream and was convinced I must have over-reacted. When I saw my counsellor though she was very frank and spoke about a pattern of behaviour. She was worried that the next time he will actually hit me. He came home that night with the biggest bunch of flowers. That actually seemed to make it more real.
However, I just couldn?t face telling this to anyone, I sound insane. It seems crazy. These things happen to other people. I am studying for a post-graduate degree. My partner is in a high level professional career. We live in a trendy part of a large city.
Yesterday I worked up the courage to tell a friend and finally packed my bag. I went back to my parents but my mum has made it clear that she thinks I am exaggerating. She keeps saying how disappointed she is about the life I had planned and how she was so excited about the wedding. She mentions that ?no relationships are perfect? and asked what exactly I said to him to ?make him behave that way?? She has pointed out that, actually I am quite mean, messy and probably annoying. I am sure that is true. She thinks I just need to stand up for myself more and tell him I want to go out or spend money etc.
So, today I have woken up feeling awful. Maybe I have made a huge mistake? I don?t hate him, in fact I feel bad that I have made such a fuss. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it?s not abusive. Perhaps I should just try harder. It?s so much to throw away and I am too old to meet anyone else and still get married and have kids. The problem is that even he agrees it is abusive behaviour and I spoke to our couples counsellor and she agrees- she even said that his temper was always a problem and that he was controlling- but she thinks he can change.
So, there it is. I finally got out and can breathe but as soon as I did, I am now thinking that it was all a fuss over nothing and that I should just go back and now it will be ok. He is a nice guy and I think I even miss him. Am I crazy? Can controlling and angry men change? Can I learn to ignore him? Am I throwing a good thing away?
Advice please.