confused

[tweeni]

hi there - basically i am in a huge mess because me and my best friend fell for the same person. in fact more than fell for we both love him a lot. neither of us has ever been out with him and i suppose you are wondering how this has happened. basically i knew him 3 years ago but we lost contact and met up again this year at college. for the first 7 or 8 months we still didnt really speak partly cos i felt realy awkward. then i got to know him again through my best friend cos she had been spending lots of time with him and really liked him. then gradually all the feelings i had 3 years ago came back but even stronger. he said he had feelings for me too and something happened between us and when my friend found out obviously she went mad. anyway i have tried to keep away but i love him so much and we always end up holding hands or cuddling which sometimes leads to kissing. i don't let it go any further but i decided to be honest with my friend and although she said she would stand by me i knew she was upset. they have since decided the spark between them has gone and she says she isnt bothered anymore but i don't think i believe her. she said if we wanted to be an item she would accept it.i don't know if this is on the cards for us but i feel i can't let myself find out because doing anything while not being together wouldn't be acceptable to her.the thing is i can't keep away from him but i don't want to lose her. it feels like there is no inbetween but i can't choose just one.sorry its so long.

Was he seeing her when he was holding your hand and kissing you?

he's never really been seeing her same as hes never been seeing me. basically they were just best friends but they had other feelings there too but they never went out or nothin.

update last night he stayed over & one thing led to another and we slept together.i was really happy cos he means so much to me & i've wanted to for so long, but i'm not sure it meant the same to him.its so stupid - i only have a single bed and obviously not very comfy for both of us to sleep in so he slept next door and even though he's only next door i miss him!anyway today i have been really emotional and got really upset and then when he came over to see me i got upset again when he had to leave. i hope this is just cos its the day after cos i don't want it to change things!

Have you actually asked him how he feels about you?

well i know he doesn't want to sleep with me again - not while im preg he finds it too weird. & he says he doesn't want a relationship with me cos of being at uni, but i just get a different impression. he's already said once that he wanted one and that was only a few weeks before he went to uni. i think he's just using that as an excuse cos he's a bit scared of the unknown maybe. can't wait till summer when we can spend like 3 months together. maybe that will be the deciding factor. or mayeb im just naive for waiting and hopign but its not like thers anyone else!

Tweeni - I think you've got so much going on with your PG that there's no point you wasting emotional energy on a guy that doesn't reckon he wants a relationship with you. Next summer your life will be different; your baby will take up a lot of your time and attention, and you will find that your priorities change (and you'll probably hardly be thinking of this guy).

It seems to me like hes just after one thing. Do not fall out with your friend, forget him and concentrate on uni and you baby.

Are you not involved with the father of the baby then? He slept with you last night but doesn't want to again. Concentrate on yourself. Don't waste your energy on this boy.

Tweeni you say "its not like theres someone else" You don't have to be with someone all the time.

I would concentrate on your baby as well and getting through to 2006. When you are pregnant all sorts of things happen to your body including your hormones and you will find yourself on an emotional rollercoster. Your thoughts/feeling/tastes will all change. You need to be aware of this and if this guy is the right guy for you then once baby has arrived he will still be there....

just had an arguement cos his friends (who are the friends of the dad who doesn't wanna be involved and wants me to abort the baby) are giving him a hard time for staying good friends with me and calling him a traitor. i said they aren't very good friends if they are saying that and they should just accept we have a close relationship and he is obviously gonna stand by me but it doesn't mean they have to fall out with him and that it is childish and immature to try and make him choose. also cos i felt awful earlier and wanted him to come round he has accused me of making him feel guilty on purpose. i sopse he has a point though.

i think its just magnified it all cos i don't see him that often with him being at uni. when he's away i am fine cos im used to it but now cos he's back for 3 weeks and i'm seeing him all the time it means i miss him when he's not around. i think i just had an emotional day cos of what happened between us and it was upsetting knowing that it can't happen again. at the moment we are still getting closer in our relationship i think i need to give it to time. although at the moment he says a relationship wouldn't work because of his friends hopefully they will realise how pathetic they are being, or maybe he will realise they shouldn't dictate what he can and cannot do and they aren't worth it.i think the more time we spend together the less important all that will seem.

Sorry but to be honest he clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is just finding excuses. I mean really, saying he can't because of his friends. He has a lot of growing up to do but you don't have time to waste waiting for something that will take a long time and as he's not that interested will probably never happen anyway.

Spend your energies focusing on yourself and uni as once your baby is born you wont have time to waste.

i agree at the moment it is too one sided - his love isn't strong enough to get over the problems that the relationship would have to get over.i said we will never know if we never try but he says we shouldn't try cos it so oviously wouldn't work and then it might ruin everything.

I know you like him but he is still a young man who is studying. It is a bit much to ask him to get involved with you especially when you are pregnant with one one his friends baby. I know that may be hard to hear and I am trying to be honest without appearing rude. He is too young to be settling down in my opinion. Just concentrate on you and your health.

It's all balls about love being strong enough. Sorry, but real life isnt like that. He's not ready and doesnt want to commit to you. You need a good support network around you as being a young single parent will be hard work. Have you tried seeing if there are any support groups at uni?

i know i can't expect him to take me on when i have a baby although i wouldn't expect him to act like a dad to it.thing is he is getting so attached to this baby without even realising it.he's constantly feeling my tummy and putting his arms round me to hold it and checking im ok. he keeps saying he can't wait to meet it and i know when it is born he will end up spending a lot of time with us i don't think he will able to stop himself bonding with it.he may realise its not that difficult after all.he's already agreed to be godfather so i know he plans on sticking around - he had rubbish godparents who don't keep in touch so he says he'll make sure he's not like that.

But tweeni, it is very difficult having a new baby. He just sounds not ready yet. It is quite a nice fantasy to think of life with a sweet baby but it is about hard work and sleepless nights. You need to have a support network that doesnt involve him.

Tweeni, would it be rude of me to ask how old you are?

no no im not saying that. i dont expect him to do the sleepless nights or anything like that!i just mean he is clearly bonding with this baby and likes the idea of being around it.but im not saying he is going to jump into the role of being a dad i wouldn't want him to anyway.

If you really feel that strongly about this person and you are expecting a baby and you want the 2 of you + baby to be together as a family, then he will obviously have to play a rather large role in helping you to bring this child up. From the sounds of it he isn't ready for that kind of commitment.

i dont want us to be together as a family though.just had the best xmas present ever. well 2nd best - being with him would be the best. but he has admitted he has feelings for me and they are getting very strong, but he is scared of falling for me.if he feels like that he can only fight it for so long - the same as i only managed to fight it for a while.

i have got him to admit his feelings about me to me but i can't get him to open up about anything else. i think he finds it difficult opening up to most people. his best friend thinks he knows how he feels but he doesn't know the half of it!he's so scared and i don't know how to make him feel at ease. he thinks shutting it out is the answer to protecting us from getting hurt but it wil just hurt us more in the long run.

last night his friend came over for a bit for a chat and he's said to me this mornin i am the only girl who has ever made him feel jealous over something like that apart from his ex girlfriend laura who he was with for 2 years. but he says he can't let himself get involved which to him means not even seeing me. he can't do this he can't just run away!