Anybody else TOTALLY unable to communicate with their partner / husband?

[curious2]

H and I have serious problems in our relationship which now mean that we live emotionally and physically separate lives within the same house. Yet despite what is staring me in the face, I am TOTALLY unable to broach the subject with him. Mainly because I know from past experience that he will simply get angry, blame it all on me and shout me down so to speak.
However how long can I carry on living with my head in the sand?????
Just wondering whether anybody else has found themselves in this situation and what you think it actually means?
H extremely unlikely to consider couples counselling. I have started to see a counsellor (not relate) by myself in the hope that I will understand myself and the situation better.
I am 42 but feel as if my emotional / sexual life is over and as if all that is lack of excitement and a general feeling of drifting hopelessly about . Should add that we have three children who are 5, 7 and 9 and whom we both love to bits.

I think it's definitely ok to be angry from time to time but it's not ok for a grown adult to let rip at those around them. You don't have to put up with his angry behaviour. How does a discussion usually play out? Do you end up angry too?

If the children are not around (this is what used to happen a long time ago because I no longer get into these arguments generally - the one that sparked his recent sulk wasn't about "us") then I would probably get angry as well, but would invariably become upset as he can be extremely cutting / rude in the way he argues.

curious2 - I'm financially dependant on him and do still love him and have children so yes, certainly for now I will, but I've been reading up on emotional/verbal abuse/control and have realised that he is using his anger (not necessarily delibarately) to control me. Now I'm aware of this I can (in theory) start to stop being controlled and work on getting my life back together (ie going out, making friends, meeting people) and see how how things turn out. I'm also pointing out to him that he is doing this occasionally. My plan is that I will end up less dependant on him and able to enjoy life more separate from him - either than will happen and we can work out some way of being together still or he will force me to leave in some way.

What is the best outcome that you can see coming from all this? Do you think that you and your DH could get to a place where you're happy with each other again, or do you think too much would have to change for that to happen?

How does he react when you point out his anger livingonthedge?

Cailin,I sometimes fantasize about us getting on again, but realistically I cannot see it happening unless a) I become a lot more courageous and forthright about what I feel and b) dh becomes much much more willing to "stoop" down to my level and actually discuss his and my feelings from a position of equality - plus don't know if he will ever be able to get rid of his short fuse and propensity to judge.

Yep curious I'm actually fairly calm about the marriage being over now - I came to terms with that a while ago. I can't imagine bimbling through the rest of my life with someone who isn't fussed either way. But I just can't get my head round breaking up the family.

It's worrying that you talk about "levels" curious - it implies that you don't feel he gives you much respect. IMO a lack of respect is a huge huge problem in a relationship.

Yes, neither can I. I spend most weekends thinking actually we really cannot go on like this (dh and I) and I have to put an end to our "relationship" but then I kind of get a horrible cold feeling all over and flip to thinking that I couldn't do something so preposterous.... and that if one of my duties to protect the kids at all times (not from dh, I don't mean that, but just in general say if one of them got ill etc.. etc..), how on earth can I do that if I have to be away from them some of the time. I also feel that in some ways I don't have the "right" to put either them or dh in a situation where they don't see each other as much.

Cailin I do think he feels superior in lots of ways, or he certainly behaves as though he does . One of the reasons for this is the age gap between us.

curious2 - How does he react when you point out his anger livingonthedge he gets really cross about the fact that I am critizising him and then says that I'm making him depressed

There is a limit to how much time, effort and energy it is reasonable to expend on a dickhead who is making no effort at all to address the problems and appears not to care about the relationship so long as his food appears on time and there are always clean pants to put on. If you are living with a man who is treating you like an intermittently-malfunctioning domestic appliance with a fuckhole attached, the best thing to do is work out a strategy for dumping him.

If you are living with a man who is treating you like an intermittently-malfunctioning domestic appliance with a fuckhole attached, the best thing to do is work out a strategy for dumping him.
This is an absolute classic sgb (and so true). There must be so many women living with someone like this :(
I'm going to print it out and stick it on my fridge lest I ever forget in the future...

SGB - I love you, you always cheer me up . I do feel that dh views me as a function rather than a person. He's not so bothered about the ahem, fuckhole ....

livingonthedge - so he is allowed to criticise, but you are not.....

Like curious2 I am glad that I am not the only one has this problem with dh. I don't really bother to talk to him anymore unless I really have to usually about the children. I sent me emails a couple of times recently but he never respond. On my part we are separated but live in the same house because I don?t have anywhere to move to or it just cost money that I haven?t got now. Dh never let go of any thing new, old, still work or broken so I think marriage just one of many his things. When I was in a fulltime job it was easier because I have my own income and somewhere to go most of the time. I has become increasingly difficult though.

I just so wish that he is no longer around! Everything is in his name includes the house and even the telephone account. He just never and will not share anything nothing not even the supermarket loyal card account tbh. So I don't know if I would have anywhere to live if and when one day he goes pop.

Men like this hold women in a deep, abiding and fundamental contempt. They do not consider you human beings; you exist to meet their needs, that's all.
There is no way of changing men like this and their behaviour within marriage is always close to the edge of abusive even if it never actually tips over into outright abuse.
Honestly, get legal advice and get rid.

curious your job isn't to protect your dcs from any harm at all time. You can not practically do that. Your job is to do yur best to support them in whatever difficult situation they find themselves in.
And this isn't just your responsability. It's also the one of their father (who should step up if one of the dcs is ill and he is looking after them).

I can only talk about my own case but H only stopped looking at his own issues and started to think about other people in his life (me and the dcs) when he had no choice but do it or loose everything (or rather end up with an option that terrifies him - being alone). However this doesn't mean he will be able to change to an 'acceptable' standard for me (ie no more deal brakers for me) within a timescale acceptabel for me because, as SGB said, there is only so long you can be happy to wait for one to change and I have being waiting long enough.

SGB I think some men are the way you describe.
Others are just so wrapped up in their own hurt that they can't see anythingelse around them. My H is like this so you can make him see the issues. Whether he can actually tackle them is a different matter.
In practice it doesn't make a lot of sifference. but it shines a different light on the person and their interests which is nice to have.

Your post is almost identical to my life OP

Only difference is DH does not shout or argue when I try to talk to him, he just sits there like a sulken child he does agree with me in the few words he contributes that things need sorting, but does not contribute nothing on how to fix things, it ends up me talking to him, him agreeing for next 2-3 weeks things seem good, then they tale off again.
My situation is particularly lacking in almost love - we do love each other, well I do him, think he does me, but we are not affectionate anymore[no sex, no kissing, no hugging,no I love you, nothing] have not been properly for 2years [brooch it with him every 4-5 months, affection starts again, and then tales off again 2-3 weeks later until next time I bring it up] problem is I sick to death of having the same conversation with someone when I know in a few weeks it goes back to the same way.
We are currently 6-7 months down the line from last discussion about it, and its become clear unless I bring it up, DH is quiet happy with things the way they are
3 weeks ago a very very dear relative of mine passed away, I really struggled with her death/am still struggling, one particular night, I was in a ball on my bathroom floor, crying, because I did not want to put DH is an awkward position to have to sit there, and feel like he HAD to cuddle me, whilst anyone else it would be a natural instinct. Later on that evening my uncle come to my house in a bit of a state, we ended up talking about relative and again I was reduced to floods of tears, I was really in a state [Im actually crying now ] DH left me cry for maybe 10 mins[sat in same room] eventually realizing just what a state I was in he approached me and cuddled me, I could tell it was strained from both sides

Gosh where do we go now?

The relative who had passed away, was married, very unhappily for a long-time, infact a few days before aunt passed away she was in floods of tears [to her sister] wishing she has left him, as he had made her so unhappy
Knowing this, the night my uncle tapped my door, had he have called 5 minutes later, I would have asked DH for a divorcee, I did start talking about it with DH, before uncle tapped the door, so am pretty sure DH knew what I was going to say.
Fast-forward 3 weeks, if DH did know what I was going to say that night, he has made no extra effort etc to prevent it

FFS what do I do now?

Sorry if Im typing in riddles

Really feel I should add that DH helps with all chores in house, even after work, is fantastic with our DD and my DCs from previous relationship [which makes any decisions I make even bloody harder]

welshbyrd are you saying that you do not know whether or not to divorce? If so tehn I'd think about what your life would be like without your dh and try to compare it with what it is like now. This is what I have done - basically I realised that I was focusing too much on what a life coudl be like if oh were different. This will not help as people do not really change and also because the grass is always greener. Thinking about the alternative can focus your mind more. So how would like be without him (ie would you be okay financially, do you have childcare options etc?

I do not want a divorcee, my ideal future would be together with this problem sorted, I have tried for 2 years to sort this out.
I feel as if I have no other choice I can not save this relationship on my own
I have coped, actually struggled to cope this last 2 years, my confidence is rock bottom,I have started suffering with panic attacks,.

I can sympathies with the your hope of DH changing, and things getting better, but I really have tried, I can not fix this by myself,I almost feel like im being forced to think about splitting, because everything else I have tried has failed, well not even failed, my feelings have been ignored

I do not see how I can avoid splitting with him, if I don't do anything, I don't know what state I will be mentally in another 2 years
And yes financially/childcare I would cope just, on my own. Have my family all living within 5minutes of me, so have a big support network, have no told anyone about this, only post now and again on here about the situation

welshbyrd, the thing is, just as much yu might want/hope/support someone to change for the better, you can not do it for them. They have to do it. Some people are ready for it and with some help from supportive spouse/counselling, they can do it. Some people aren't and no effort you are going to put into will change that. It doesn't mean that you haven't tried hard enough or that you are not good enough. It doesn't reflect on yourself. Only on them and the fact that they are not ready to change.

It's quite wonderful to know I'm not the only one going through,what I call the silent voice. Communication is the ultimate key to any relationship. I have such a awful time trying to talk to my husband. Each time I start to speak he cant wait to jump in. He constantly degrades me. He's very controlling, and always tells me I cant stand a liar. Whenever he speaks about anything, in his view it is always valid. WHAT A BIG EGO!. He speaks to me any way he wants, and tries to discourage me. I've grown very tired of him. Although I care about him. I can no longer tolerate living with him. He has no respect for me.