I need some sound advice on behalf of my closest friend. Abusive ex h is making unfounded allegations.

[Nippysnippy]

A bit of background. My best friend is a wonderful mother. I have been friends with her since university and she works with special needs children. She is kind to a fault and her exh is still trying to abuse her emotionally but using their child and hiding behind concerns for the child's welfare. When my friend left he had every authority investigate her claimimg her to be unfit and calling the police round to her home claiming she was drugging/ beating and starving her child. He wrote to her G.P, her child's school and social services. My friend had the indignity of being investigated after leaving a very abusive relationship. She was exonerated. My friend didn't respond in kind.
This was over two years ago and just this week she has had another letter from social services with a claim being made that her child is anorexic has OCD and behavioural issues. The letter was informing her this had been alledged but they were taking no action. Earlier in the week she had received an email from the exh outlining his concerns and she thought from the tone they had turned a corner. Well today she spoke to someone in social services who outlined the concerns and they were exactly as he had outlined in his email. The social worker also said that the person had been advised to contact her directly with their concerns.
Last night after alerting him to this latest effort and asking if he knew who was 'concerned' he totally denied any involvement. She read his letter to me and it was a supremely well crafted but obviously manipulative effort.
I have urged my friend to contact Womens Aid for advice. She is being harrassed by this man and he has a record of mental health issues as well as behavioural. She is not keen to break her child's contact but I really feel he is getting more unhinged as time goes on and at very least he should be supervised. I think she hopes if she sits tight he will just go away but he is obsessive. She is now living on edge again waiting for the next onslaught to begin. She feels violated.
So can I ask you kind/wise people for any advice? What can she do?

Sorry but she will suffer more of this and it will be an on going occurence.
A friend of mine in a similar situation, had her exH claiming that his wife was colluding in the sexual abuse of his children!

The first time he made this allegation was because Ex Wife had (shock horror) got a boyfriend. The subsequent investigations were a nasty and distressing experience for the DC's. This sort of 3rd party harassment went on for years, he was arrested several times, but because of on going mental health issues, he always seemed to get away with it.
Even when she eventually re-married he still harassed them all, and contributed largely to her 2nd husband leaving!

The mental health issues in this scenario played a huge part. My friend said that in retospect, instead of remaining living locally to the ex
H for access for the children, she wishes that she had moved away as far as possible, and tried to convince a Court that her children should not see their father!

I don't know enough about all this to be any real help, but I think she could certainly go for a non-molestation order. That would be covered under Legal Aid. It's still applicable even if her XH hasn't physically abused her or threatened her directly, since his behaviour can be viewed as intentionally done to cause her distress and have a negative impact on her life. Her best bet would be to post in Legal and phoning WA like you suggested is a great idea. Sadly, I think you're right. He sounds like an obsessive stalker who won't stop unless he's made to. It's good that social services have seen through his behaviour, and the fact that they've been involved would help any legal claim she decides to make.

Thank- you so much for your responses. When the police came over the policeman said there was nothing she could do as he would claim he was only doing it in the interests of the child. Therefore it wasn't technically harassment. He also called the benefit fraud team and asked that she be investigated before she got her job. They found no wrong doing. My friend is ringing up Womens Aid at the moment. I find it incredible that he can carry on in this vein. My friend moved away to be close to her family and to get away so he couldn't pop in. He abused her mentally, physically and sexually.

Why is she keen not to break the DC contact with a man that is extremely abusive, is manufacturing lies and is trying by all means possible to undermine her as a mother AND as a human being.

Before she answers "oh but he's a good dad" let me jump in and say NO HE IS NOT BEING A GOOD DAD.

Good dads support the routine, the rules and the position of the mother REGARDLESS.

Good dads DON'T attempt to get the child taken away from their mother.

Good dads don't email ANYONE with malicious concerns.

She needs a bit of a tough love shake. She is not doing her child any favours at all by allowing contact.

This 'man' (and I use the term begrudgingly) is not a role model, he is trying to poison the relationship between his DC and her mother.

This friend of yours needs to understand that 'sitting tight' will not make any of this go away. it will never go away, NEVER. It will only get worse.

The only chance she has is if this twat meets some other victim, latches on to her, and forgets entirely about your friend and his daughter.

Your friend needs to understand that the only 'safe' contact with this evil man, is NO contact at all. The LAST thing she needs is for her DD to learn how a man should treat her by having contact with her father. How WILL she feel WHEN she sees her own daughter going through this situation? Cos she will, this man will GROOM her for it. She won't even know it's wrong!

I'd suggest suspending contact with this monster. let him take her to court, let her stand in front of a judge and show EXACTLY what this man is doing to her. She has cast iron evidence from SS of his maliciousness. In the interim, she needs to ONLY ever agree to supervised contact in a contact centre, but tbh, IMHO I don't think this man should come within a million miles of anyone.

Tell her to read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft.

Insist on her getting a copy, it'll help her see what an impossible situation she is in, and that it is NONE of her doing.

TELL her to contact WA for advice wrt stopping contact and safeguarding her child from this despicable, poisonous evil monster of a 'man'

I am in total agreement with you herscariness. I have been honest with my friend and I think she should remove her child from the situation subject to him having very limited supervised contact or a full mental health assessment.
I think the main issue is that she feels powerless. She doesn't feel she has the right to block her child's contact with her father and that if he took her to court it would reflect badly on her.
My personal view is that a man who behaves in this manner isn't stable and therefore not someone to trust around a child. I think it would be in the child's best interests to be extricated from this toxic situation. I will get her a copy of the book. Thank- you.

Sorry HerScaryness

What you have described is harassment.

I would suggest that your friend calls the Rights of Women advice line on 0207 251 6577 Tuesday?Thursday 2?4pm & 7-9pm, and Friday 12?2pm which is staffed by volunteer women solicitors and barristers.

Your friend should note that what she has been told by a no doubt uniformed police officer is incorrect as, notwithstanding any mental healths issues he may have, the police have the power to issue a harassment notice to her ex.

If she should need to contact the police again in this, or any related matter, she should ensure that she speaks to officers from her police regional authority's domestic violence unit.

Needless to say, she is best advised to take every measure possible to ensure that any contact her ex has with the dc is supervised.

How would it reflect badly on her, HIM hauling HER through the courts having tried literally every trick in the book to unseat her?

YOU are the sole voice of reason in her life, after the abuse of an evil man like this, the victim can't think straight.

Sit with her, hear her and tell her (over and over and over again) that the way she lives, the way he is, what he is doing to her and her DD is not right, not normal and totally and utterly toxic.

Come back and ask whatever you need, whenever you need to, there are millions of us on here that have dealt with this day in and day out and have got out, or at least know they need to get out and away from these dreadful men.

WA are GREAT support, they have heard it all before and are superb at pointing a victim in the right direction. She needs to look into doing the Freedom Programme, it's free. It's FABULOUS! It will really help her.

Meant to say, tell her what a good man does, tell her what normal, happy life is, she really won't know.

Show her www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf this. It'll highlight the differences between a dominator (her P) and a good man.

Thank-you izzy I have passed the number onto my friend and she is going to get in contact.
I have told my friend about this thread and she is going to have a look over it this evening.
I think it will be really helpful to see that others also take as strong a view as I do re the exh and her child's contact.

Thank-you also HerScaryness for the links. My friend is very open to looking into that sort of information.

We're here for either or both of you!

My friend has kept a log of all the abusive behaviour that occurred during the course of the relationship and thereafter. She is struck by how much there is and by how much she had forgotten because it had been a while since she last looked over it. She is taking it all in to clear her head and then she is going to start making the calls today. I think she is starting to get that necessary anger now to call him on his abusive behaviour.
The previous lack of action on her behalf by the police has really knocked her confidence/trust. I hope this time someone will help protect her from this man's harmful behaviour. He needs psychiatric help.
Thank- you once again for all your helpful posts offering support and information. x

Im a bit late to the thread, like you OP Im worried about you friend and the problems this deranged man is causing her (clearly mind games,control, and possibly refusal in believing the relationship is over, after 2 years is particularly worrying)

Glad to see in your latest post your friend has started to open her eyes, and realizing/understanding that this will not stop until she puts a stop to it. Your friend can not sit back and hope he gets bored after time, is clearly not going to happen here, your friend has sat tight for 2 years and this despicable man is still behaving like this

I really hope she comes to understand and SOON, this man is a terrible father, to put his DCs through social service visits, make the claims he has about them, no decent human being would make that stuff up about any children, and certainly a decent father would not.

Agreed with previous poster, the police help or lack of it probably has knocked her confidence and trust in protective services. Please ring WA for her, and get advice. I have been in a Womens refuge and can assure you, these ladies know their stuff.

HerScareyness what a fantastic link

Nippy, actually psychiatric help would most likely either (a) not help him, since he BELIEVES his entitlement to mis-treat women, or (b) it'd actually TEACH him better mental abuse tactics.

Best option for him is to write him off entirely, and stay the fuck well way from him.

SHE is worth fighting for.

He, on the other hand, is NOT. He is an oxygen thief, totally without purpose/use. He deep down KNOWS this, which is why he attracts strong powerful women, and systematically wears them down until they are NOTHING and then HE looks good.

Thank you for your replies. I am the mother in question.

Believe me, I do not consider him a "good dad", and have contacted my and his local social services with my concerns about my daughters physical safety and mental health in his care. I was told since his house was not the main place of residence (he has her every other weekend and half the holidays) they would not investigate my claims.

The police told me there is nothing I can do, and that making allegations is not a criminal offence. When I asked how I could protect myself the PC said "keep your head down and hope they get bored". I phoned the dept as I was not happy with this. The WPC said she could see that he was being abusive and trying to get custody of my daughter through underhand means but there was nothing they could do.

I spoke to my local domestic violence charity. They sympathised and said they would pass my details on to the local domestic violence dept of the police, but they could offer me no practical advice.

My ex makes allegations anonymously - so I cannot prove it is him. He also gets others to make allegations so it cannot be traced back to him legally. Although I have an 18 page catalogue of incidents that I have passed on to Social Services and the police, he leaves no physical trace so it is just my word againt his.

My solicitor during the divorce told me I cannot stop contact and I could not apply for residency, since the courts would see that he returns her to me after each visit and he has not made any threats witnessed by a third party, so they would throw the case out. I have no current solicitor since things had gone quiet over the last year and the divorce had been completed.

He sets me up by sending "friendly" messages, so when I complain about what I know he is doing, all the evidence seems to point to the opposite - that he is a great and co-operative parent, and I look like the one who is being abusive and unreasonable!

It is over 3 years since I left (after 10 years with him), and he is still trying to destroy me and give me a breakdown. HerScaryness you are entirely correct - he maintains an act and puts on a facade of being stable and rational, but attacks me psychologically until I am a wreck then says "see, she is an unfit parent, and my daughter must come and live with me in my stable caring family unit".

I wish I could stay away from him - I moved 150 miles, but I cannot stop him coming to my door, sending letters to my daughter etc while he has the legal right to see her. How can I stop him when no-one will act on what I say?

The helplines were very busy yesterday and I could not get through at a time when my daughter would not have overheard, but I will try again today.

Thanks again, I appreciate your support, and the help of my "sole voice of reason".

Hodgehegs! Glad you made it! WELCOME!

Sadly 1 in 4 women experience an abusive relationship in their lives, but the figures are increasing, and probably nearer 1 in 3.

While it's distressing to know that one single other woman is going through this, at least you now know that you are NOT alone, and what is more, you need never be alone in this again!

keep trying the WA lines, when your DD is asleep at night they may have some capacity, as those IN abusive relationships tend to not be able to call helplines at night

You have a very good friend there, you are so blessed. Now you have US! the mighty MN! We're an awesome bunch us lot, not bad at all for a nest of vipers!

Pop by on the EA Support group thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1308894-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-5 You don't have to know anyone, you don't have to be up to speed with the conversations, you can dip in and out, there is always someone there!

IMHO, you need to personally limit any contact with him, change the access agreements to supervised via contact centres, due to prolonged psychological abuse, you have reams of evidence, and state that you refuse to place yourself in a position where he can get to you anymore. It's been 3 years and he's still being a TWAT (technical term [hgrin]) and feel it highly detrimental to allow your DD to see this treatment of you.

Change your number, keep the old number only for him, tell him that you will only discuss child access, nothing more. Don't speak to him on the phone. If you do find yourself on the phone with him, and he strays from child access discussion, hang up without warning and immediately.

Don't rise to ANYTHING, come on here rant, kick the cat, (not really)! but don't reply, don't rise. Don't take his calls. Remove his supply, remove the target.

Sure it'll piss him off, and things may ramp up a bit for a while out of his panic at losing his 'fix' but allow the fear and chaos to wash over you, stand strong and you can withstand it, you are so strong love!

Let him see that he gets NOWHERE at all by doing it, not even pissing you off. THAT is the only way you MIGHT get him to leave it alone. Bore him to death! [hgrin]

Glad you made it to MN, really thrilled! [hgrin]

My X is nothing like this monster, but I would never allow DS (5) to have a conversation with him without me hearing what is being said on speakerphone.

He wanted to speak to me the other day, after talking to DS, he wants me to help him do something. I don't want to help him do anything. I don't want anything to do with him. EVER. So when DS handed me the phone, when he'd left the room, I hung up. X rang and rang, but the answerphone got it. The texts started, i ignored the lot.

You need to vet the letters to ensure they are appropriate. If not, then they can't get to her. Keep them in a safe place until she is old enough to see them and understand them for what they are.

I'm 'lucky' X is thousands of miles away, there IS no access. I dread to think what it'd be if I had to smile at his face every other weekend... 15 years to Life most likely.... [hgrin]

even if her child was " anorexic has OCD and behavioural issues. " it would not be mother's fault! bizarre thing to claim really.

my exP also has/had got obsesssed about possible emdical etc issues with dc.

speak to womens aid/a counsellor as other s said and devise some strageies aimed at ignoring him and/or getting anti harassment notice on him

Thanks again, just had lunch and preparing a cup of tea before I call.

cestlavie - he (via a 3rd party, who named him as the source in the SS report) says that I am forcing the anorexia on her and that is how I am abusing her,and that I starve her and drug her to mask her hunger.

She is slightly built, as is everyone in my family, but not anorexic by any means.

HerScaryness, my brain doesn't think too clearly past dinnertime so I thought it would be best in the day while I am still partially awake and coherent. I didn't think it was possible to reduce contact without evidence that could be proved. My word has never been good enough for SS or police, and he just denies it.

Kettle has boiled so I shall go and see what they say....

Still can't get through. Will keep trying though.

I forgot to say re letters: he claimed via solicitors that I was not allowing her to receive his letters. Though I hate it, I was told I must allow it. I have never stopped her getting them, though it is like another kick from him every time I see the envelope with his writing on come through the door, and even more sickening that because of her age and his handwriting I have to read them out to her. (luckily she can now read them herself, but I do still glance over them just to be sure)

He is careful that what he writes backs up the image he is trying to project - ie he writes about what a great time he had last time they were together, what fun things he has planned for the next visit and how much he loves her and misses her.

Phone calls have only been allowed a couple of times - when she has been excited and wants to share with him, and I felt that I could not refuse. I am sure nothing was said about me, as he wouldn't want me to overhear or her to come and repeat it back to me. Besides - why waste money on a phone call when you can put what a glorious father you are in writing and then have it as evidence to fall back on?

Have you actually reported him to the police for his physical abuse of you?
Also do not contact him unless it is via a solicitor, and tell him any contact must be via a solicitor. It seems he likes ot have the power of a reaction from you.

how old is dd?

Kelly - he does psyche abuse, threatening, slamming doors in face etc, not actual physical harm. They know the details. Plus since I left 3 years ago he has not been able to do that, so I guess it is old news to them. No bruises = no proof!

His face to face attitude these days is smarmy, sickening "we're great mates now", it's only behind the scenes that allegations are made. And now not even directly at me, he doesn't say I am abusing her, he just says he is concerned about her health and wellbeing, so I can't even catch him out on that one. The finger is pointed at me indirectly, not overtly.

cestlavie - she is 8

Can you look up your local DV outreach worker? they can come to you!

And YES, before you say anything YOU ARE WHOLLY ENTITLED TO ACCESS ONE! This abuse of you and your DD is ridiculous and needs someone trained to spot it and combat it at your side.