I need some sound advice on behalf of my closest friend. Abusive ex h is making unfounded allegations.

[Nippysnippy]

A bit of background. My best friend is a wonderful mother. I have been friends with her since university and she works with special needs children. She is kind to a fault and her exh is still trying to abuse her emotionally but using their child and hiding behind concerns for the child's welfare. When my friend left he had every authority investigate her claimimg her to be unfit and calling the police round to her home claiming she was drugging/ beating and starving her child. He wrote to her G.P, her child's school and social services. My friend had the indignity of being investigated after leaving a very abusive relationship. She was exonerated. My friend didn't respond in kind.
This was over two years ago and just this week she has had another letter from social services with a claim being made that her child is anorexic has OCD and behavioural issues. The letter was informing her this had been alledged but they were taking no action. Earlier in the week she had received an email from the exh outlining his concerns and she thought from the tone they had turned a corner. Well today she spoke to someone in social services who outlined the concerns and they were exactly as he had outlined in his email. The social worker also said that the person had been advised to contact her directly with their concerns.
Last night after alerting him to this latest effort and asking if he knew who was 'concerned' he totally denied any involvement. She read his letter to me and it was a supremely well crafted but obviously manipulative effort.
I have urged my friend to contact Womens Aid for advice. She is being harrassed by this man and he has a record of mental health issues as well as behavioural. She is not keen to break her child's contact but I really feel he is getting more unhinged as time goes on and at very least he should be supervised. I think she hopes if she sits tight he will just go away but he is obsessive. She is now living on edge again waiting for the next onslaught to begin. She feels violated.
So can I ask you kind/wise people for any advice? What can she do?

Hodge ( that seems weird) don't forget the physical harm he caused by limiting the food budget to £30 a week for all three of you and then eating most of it himself.....

Also in terms of physical stuff the menacing barging past you, blocking your way and trashing your flat. Refusal to put away dangerous weapons. Threats made in your earshot that were extremely frightening. Looking at you and making vom noises. Never looking after your child or helping with household chores EVER even though he only worked part-time. Forceful inappropriate sexual advances that he continued FORCEFULLY with despite you repeatedly telling him to stop. Massive physical tantrums and screaming and shouting abuse which became eveyday nigh on.

I will never forget his explanation of the massive dent in his car caused by driving into a post van on purpose because they 'parked in his way' and they got on his nerves.
His intimidation was so bad you had to barricade yourself in your room.

There is so much more EA. Hideous individual who did everything else he could to cause you harm except strike you including flaunting his new relationship in the cruelest way.

Don't down play what this shit did and continues to do.

I've had similar with my XP, only he had his girlfriends full support. Various different allegations were made to social services, ranging from neglect to sexual abuse.
At one point, I had social workers round every week with a new allegation.

My XP did whatever he could, regardless of the consequences to have DD removed from my care.

Solicitor told me that making allegations to social services is not seen as harrassment, no matter how often or how many are unsubstantiated.

What annoys me as well is that it is my DD who has this all on record...she will have these allegations next to her name, following her around for years, into adulthood. XP didn't care a jot about that.

It seems absurd to me that someone can make numerous unfounded and unsubstantiated allegations to social services, and yet never get told to stop.

I don't have an answer. XP is currently single, so not trying to impress the latest girlfriend of what a vile specimen I am, and he has no one to make out what a victim he is to gain sympathy and brownie points.

All XP ever wanted was to punish me for finishing the relationship, and he uses DD to do that.

Sorry I don't have any answers...but I sympathise, although I appreciate that isn't much help to you.

HerScaryness - I have just finished writing a 3 page letter to my the DI of my local domestic violence department asking for her advice and enclosing 20 pages of catalogued incidents. I will post it tomorrow.

Nippysnippy - you know I love hedgehogs, but that name was already taken, and I used to work for an organisation called hodgehegs many years ago. Nothing else was coming to mind. I had totally forgotten about the van! That was a classic example. What an idiot! I wish you could do the talking for me, my mind goes blank when I am put on the spot and I start doubting myself.

littlemisssarcastic - how awful for you, it is just unbelievable how even though it is blatant abuse and harassment, no-one with the power to do anything about it seems willing to help.

You are right, they make a big fuss about their children's welfare being their priority, but their actions show that they do not care about them at all. It's sick that they can use that as an excuse to be abusive.

I have given up with solicitors and SS. The domestic violence police department is my last try. I spoke to regular police last time and they weren't interested. Surely the DV department deals with cases like this every day? If anyone can do something it ought to be them. Might be worth a try for you too if you haven't been down that avenue already?

Hedge,
next time social services come to you with allegations. say that DD is fine with you, but tell them about her father's abusive past and how he does have contact with her so perhaps whoever is making the allegations is more worried about that. turn it around on him.

You could also try a solicitor that deals with domestic violence issues rather than just custody arrangements. Try speaking to a probono centre for advice as well as this is free.

And only contact exh through solicitors, do not reply to his texts etc, and do not mention the allegations to him as he wants a reaction. If you say anything just say "any contact should be made through my solicitors".

If he makes nasty phone calls because he thinks these cannot be used against him (and he needs a reaction from you after you ignore his emails) think about always taping his calls using a speakerphone and tape recorder, or alternatively you can buy something from the suzy lamplugh trust that can record your calls and even screen them i think.

Also make sure you delete and block him from any social networking site so he cannot keep an eye on you.

kelly - ss have the full details of what he put me through, but they said they will not investigate him as his house is not my dd's main place of residence. I think I will write to them though just to update their records. He has tried 3 different ss offices, so I guess I will need to write to all of them. Good idea though - as far as I have been told the anonymous caller didn't say which parent they blamed, and reference was made to her bedroom - well no other adults have seen her bedroom at my house, so "logically" they must be referring to when she is with her father.

He doesn't make phone calls as he knows they could be used as evidence. He is careful to cover his tracks, everything is anonymous or reported by his family so he can't be prosecuted himself, even though I know he is directing them (when I lived with him he made phone calls within my earshot arranging it) and one of the ss and police reports stated that HE had told the person who made the call that I was abusing my dd.

He is deleted and blocked as are all his friends and family and his new wife's family, but I never put anything about him on there anyway, just in case. It has made me so paranoid that I have even been afraid to come on here til now incase he is waiting under a false name to gather info to use against me.
:(

I had the same response from social services wrt not investigating my XP....his home is not her main residence, therefore they don't deem it as necessary to investigate him.

One difference between my XP and yours OP, is that my XP made all the allegations, phoned social services, even went down there to speak to them face to face to make more allegations..that were duly investigated.

He never felt the need to hide behind anyone or do it anonymously. He was open and brazen about it. Yet still, it is not classed as harrassment.

When you say your XP doesn't make phone calls as he knows they could be used as evidence OP, and that he covers his tracks, everything is anonymous or reported by his family so he can't be prosecuted....what would it be evidence for? What could he be prosecuted for if he made the calls directly and openly? (Probably missed part of the thread that explained...sorry)

littlemisssarcastic, my experience is that you are right. I just want him to stop (ideally of course I would want him prosecuted for what he continues to put me through) and behave like a decent human being.

My friend posted on here to try and get some feedback as it seems unbelievable that people can do this and get away with it, it is wrong and should be illegal. The evidence I am looking for is to show that it IS harassment (it certainly seems to fit the legal definition), but so far the police are not interested.

SS are not interested because they only deal with children, the abusive actions of the father towards the mother are of no concern to them. I don't really know if there is anything he could be prosecuted for, that's why I'm on here and writing to the domestic violence police.

If I get any help from them I will share it for the others who are going through the same thing.

I hope you find a way hodgehegs. I could scarcely believe it myself when my solicitor told me that allegations to social services are not seen to be harrassing anyone, no matter how many there are or whether they are ever substantiated!!

When I asked my social worker if she thought my XP was harrassing me, she said she was 100% certain that he was doing it because he wanted to punish me for leaving the relationship...yet people who make allegations to social services are protected from harrassment charges to ensure the children who are being abused don't suffer because someone thought they may get into trouble for harrassment if they reported...so the overall idea was to help children who are being abused, yet some unscrupulous people use this to make the other parents life hell, and so far, I have found nothing that can be done to make them stop.

If you manage to find a way forward, I am very interested to hear about it to possibly prevent my XP fabricating more abuse my DD apparently suffers at my hands.

Might also add that I found it grossly unfair that I was investigated thoroughly, while XP, having got fed up of social workers calling him to give him updates (which you'd think he'd be interested in after making the allegations in the first place) told my social worker to 'Fuck off and leave me alone!!' whilst on loud speaker on her phone in front of me. (she wanted me to hear his non existent defence as to why he hadn't seen DD for many months)..and yet the investigations rumbled on...there was no let up for me...only he got off with having his life interrogated.

I hear you. Sounds like you've had much worse than me. It is so infuriating - my SS and police said to me that they could see what he was doing (ie harassment and trying to have my dd removed from me). You would think in cases like that where they can clearly see it is harassment that they would do something about it.

I understand that they don't want to discourage people from reporting genuine cases of abuse, but when the person doing the reporting is known to be a domestic abuser, AND the children are found to be fine each time, AND the recipient of the allegations is their ex AND the allegations are repeated, it's just so blatantly obvious.

Besides - SS have refused to even follow up and investigate the latest one so they KNOW it isn't a genuine case of abuse otherwise they'd have been straight over here to cover themselves so that they couldn't be found liable for not looking into it.

grr, the system is so wrong, why will no-one change it?

If your ex told SS to f off then they would be able to at least have him cautioned for using abusive language towards them. No one wants the bother though.

You could always try speaking to your MP about the issue.

Hi All, got this response from the domestic abuse unit of county police:

"Whilst I appreciate & sympathise with the distress you have clearly suffered & continue to suffer to some extent, I can find no criminal acts that the police could investigate & prosecute in respect of -'s behaviour."

They sent me a leaflet from the local domestic abuse charity, who I have spoken to before. They are good at listening but have no practical help to offer.

So, that's the end of it. Nothing can be done.

Thanks for all your input everyone.x

I am so sorry to hear that hodgehegs

Is there any further avenues you could go down? Or do you (and women in your position including myself) have to just accept that for as long as the person behind it wishes to continue on their tirade of harrassment allegations, there is absolutely no consequences to them and nothing can be done to stop them??

If that is true...what a complete waste of social services resources and time, spent delaing with these people, who are fully aware that there is nothing wrong, but are out to cause trouble, knowing there is no comeback whatsoever.

dealing

sorry i think your police have it wrong. harassment does not have to be criminal acts in themselves. its the act of constantly harrassing you that is the criminal bit.

Hi Littlemisssarcastic, not sure what else to do - 3 different police officers have told me there is nothing they can do, and yes, it is a massive waste of their time and resources, but they will continue to investigate so that they cannot be held liable if one day they fail to act on a case where there really is something wrong.

The other reason they won't take action against the people who make false allegations is because they don't want to spend the time, money and have all the paperwork involved with prosecuting false allegation makers. If they did it might act as a deterrent, but as it stands, people who make allegations know they can do it as often as they want, it is a "safe" way to harass/abuse someone and get away with it. [hangry]

I could try the Rights of Women helpline if I can get through, but feels a bit of a lost cause.

jjgirl - I know that when you look up the definition of harassment it does seem to fit, but I have been told that because nothing is said directly to me by my ex that it doesn't count. Going via a third party apparently doesn't count. And if a child is alledged to be at risk, then child protection seems to override any other issue, and that is all they are concerned about. If you know of any case where they have successfully prosecuted a person who harasses by making false allegations, I would love to know about it.

According to the police it is not a criminal offence to make false allegations. It can be considered a civil offence (slander or defamation of character), but this means the police will not investigate, and you have to come up with the funding yourself to take the other party to court, AND you have to prove that their intent was malicious. They told me if the person who makes the allegation says they were acting out of genuine concern then it is hard to prove otherwise.[hsad]

How disappointing.