Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to make a decision between two men.. and I'd like your thoughts please

76 replies

HelpMeChoose · 10/10/2011 19:18

I have been a LP for a long time, I have had the odd BF, but before I get shot at for being a brazen hussy... I know it's not an ideal situation, please don't flame me. I'm trying to sort it out..

I met PP1 (Potential partner 1) online several months ago, we have talked daily since, but never really planned to meet up, we just got on really well and seem to agree on almost everything..

I met PP2 through a mutual friend, we were set up because my friend thought we would be a good match... I ended up getting quite drunk that night and ending up going to bed with him.. which was absolutely amazing (it had been a long time) but I didn't think it would go any further than that..
PP2 contacted me after that night and told me that he would like to see me again, and we arranged to meet up the following weekend, and we had a drink and spent the rest of the time that I was there in bed... the sex again was absolutely amazing and I had never been with anyone who could please me so easily..

The whole time I am still talking to PP1 daily.
I continue to see PP2 for the odd naughty weekend when the DC are on overnight stays. PP2 then tells me that he likes me, and has implied that he would marry me.. but I can't get PP1 out of my head, I had never met him, but I talk to him every day and know that he would look after me and make me feel safe.

I decide that I can't let things go any further until I have met PP1 and got him out of my head, we arrange a date and it was lovely.. he brought a single red rose for me, pulled my chair out for me and tucked me in, and was a perfect gentleman..

So now I am a bit confused.. I like them both for different reasons..
I want to find someone to settle down with..

I have bullet-pointed my pros and cons..

PP1

  • Lovely gentleman, I could see him treating me the way my dad still treats my mum now
  • Romantic
  • Wants marriage and children
  • Has a good job and lots of ambition, knows what he wants out of life.
  • Have only met him the once, but I still know him much more.
  • Christian

PP2

  • Amazing in bed but likes to always been in control and make me a bit sub, although I prefer not to be.
  • Has told me that he doesn't usually date people 'my size' (16)
  • I could act out absolutely any fantasy that ever entered my head as he is up for anything
  • Always makes sure I am fully satisfied
  • Extremely affectionate, cuddle all night long.
  • Wants marriage and (maybe) children
  • Old fashioned, believes that cooking/cleaning etc is womans work.. and that woman are there 'to please men'
  • Agnostic

I have never been with someone who satisfies me as much as PP2, and although I know that PP1 is the sensible choice, and I know it sounds shallow, but after being in a relationship where the sex was really crap, I worry that if I go for 'sensible', that I will be disappointed and unhappy if the sex lacks somewhat..
Currently, sex hasn't even been mentioned with PP1

Both of them I would happily take home to my parents..

I have talked to both of them about my DC, and they have both reacted appropriately, taking an interest but not overkill.

Really I just want to know your thoughts and get a bit of help to put this in perspective.. I know that nobody can make the decision for me..

And I know it seems trivial compared to some other peoples problems, and for that I'm sorry..

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 10/10/2011 19:52

Neither.

PP2 sounds 'fun' but yes a few red flags.

PP1 sounds like he would treat you like a child or worse 'his little laady'

Neither is what you need or want from the sounds of it, if you could take the good bits from both and make one person ....but you cant so neither is suitable.

Dont settle

re PP1 and the sex not being mentioned coupled with him being a christian makes me think he would possible have issues with your sexual history at some point.

beatenbyayellowskull · 10/10/2011 19:56

The more you post about PP2 the worse he sounds, sorry.

Bin him off.

Original poster
HelpMeChoose · 10/10/2011 20:00

You're right, it's not an either/or to these men, but for me it's an either/or as to who I would pursue.. as I don't want to date two guys..

And I know I don't have to have either of them, for me it's not the end of the world if neither of these were mr right. I have been alone for a long time but have had many PP's come along, but no-one has seemed suitable, and for that I have been critised many a time by my friends for being 'too picky' because it doesn't take much to put me off..

And to be honest, PP2s behaviour and comments had already put me off, but the friend that set us up keeps trying to convince me that 'at least I know he's good in bed' and keeps reminding me how bad it is to be in a relationship with shit sex.. and made me wonder, is it really ok to compromise what you want out of a relationship just because someone is great in bed?

OP posts:
beatenbyayellowskull · 10/10/2011 20:01

No it's not, but you know that already Wink

toddlerama · 10/10/2011 20:01

PP2 sounds potentially dangerous. Every new piece of info about him is him putting you down or subtly mocking you. The sex might be great, but if you don't feel you could explore a future with PP1 whilst indulging, is it worth it? My instinct is that if PP1 turns out not to be the man you thought, you could probably go back to PP2. But would you want to? He doesn't sound very kind.

stayforappledunking · 10/10/2011 20:03

He has already said that to you?! Dont do it to yourself. Dont date two guys, date PP1 and if it doesnt work out, so be it. Better that than shack up with a guy like PP2.

sunshineandbooks · 10/10/2011 20:08

Avoid pp2 like the plague. If you're actively seeking a relationship you're likely to find yourself in a situation where you're tolerating more and more slightly 'off' comments in order to keep the great sex and before you know it you'll be in a borderline abusive relationship.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/10/2011 20:08

Shit sex can be improved. A guy who tells you you're fat and mocks your religion can't.

IdHarmAPumpkin · 10/10/2011 20:09

I wouldn't judge anyone for compromising in a relationship like that, but never would myself. I think that in a situation where my beliefs and values were so different, I would quite happily have a fling, but not a relationship.

I suspect that that's what you might have had with PP2 if PP1 hadn't been on the scene :) As it is it sounds like the comparisons with PP1 are showing you that PP2 is not the right guy for you to have a relationship with. In your shoes I'd bin him and see how things went with PP1.

IdHarmAPumpkin · 10/10/2011 20:10

Gosh I need to type faster Blush

AKissIsNotAContract · 10/10/2011 20:10

PP1 sounds worth dating and seeing where things would go. PP2 sounds like an arsehole.

sunshineandbooks · 10/10/2011 20:10

It doesn't have to be a choice between sensible and great sex. Good relationships have both, but the sensible/mutually respectful bit it what sustains it when things get tough or the sex is temporarily not forthcoming for whatever reason. If you're only getting one of the two with either partner, then neither partner is what you're looking for.

If you're happy to be on your own, ditch the pair of them and start again I'd say. Smile

Original poster
HelpMeChoose · 10/10/2011 20:11

My only real concern with PP1, is that he might be a little too straight laced.. but then I have always been open with him about my views and humour and he has never been weird about it, and that's not exactly straight laced..

My friend says to cancel this weekend with PP2 but still keep in touch with him in case things go tits up with PP1, but I still feel like that would be dishonest..?

I think that you're all right, PP2 is controlling, and although he makes sure I am sexually satisfied, he is still selfish in a lot of ways in the bedroom. Plus he keeps trying to put his hand inside me and I don't like that! It hurts and I don't want him to stretch it.

OP posts:
toosoontoosoon · 10/10/2011 20:14

Neither of them sounds suitable, not entirely, I don't think you should be making this decision as though it has to be one or the other.

You do however need to be careful about seeing both! ie I don't think you should - not both at once.

It seems obvious to me that if you were in love with one of them, you wouldn't even be asking us.

jmo Smile

stayforappledunking · 10/10/2011 20:15

Cancel the weekend with pp2 and tell him he is a twat. Seriously. Dont keep him as an option. I know its tempting, amazing sex is hard to ignore, but thats all that is going to be in it for a relationship with him and how amazing do you think it will stay, once he thinks he 'has you?' Get rid.

PP1. Try him out. He may be too strait laced or whatever, but you arent going to know unless you give him a chance. And if things dont work out, plenty more fish in the sea.

toosoontoosoon · 10/10/2011 20:15

yikes. I believe that's known as 'fisting'? Sounds hideous, I would be out of there before he could find his underpants

ugh

Original poster
HelpMeChoose · 10/10/2011 20:15

In fact, just typing that last sentence made me feel quite cross.. PP2 insists on trying to do things I constantly say no to, and yet still he still persists in trying.. like he has been trying to get me to do anal.. and I don't want to but he keeps telling me that he's going to do it.
PP2 is definitely a goner!

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 10/10/2011 20:16

PP1 may well be straight laced, but you'll only find out by dating him. It is possible to find a nice gentleman who can still be great in bed. Sex is often better with someone who actually cares about you.

PP2 really does sound awful, trying to fist you without your consent? Not good.

toosoontoosoon · 10/10/2011 20:17

Now catching up with the thread and finding myself wanting to punch pp2

he's a git

get shot of him THEN think about pp1, get to know him better

you do sound like you're really keen to have a relationship with someone when really you can't control that - you just have to wait to fall in love with a nice, suitable, kind man who is great in bed and makes you happy.

It might never happen. But compromising isn't the way to go xxx

AKissIsNotAContract · 10/10/2011 20:18

If you do carry on sleeping with PP2 then tell him he can fist you right after you've fisted him first :o

toosoontoosoon · 10/10/2011 20:18

I hope you don;'t have any trouble getting rid of him.

Glad if this thread has helped you sort out how upset you are by him.

CumbrianCooBeastie · 10/10/2011 20:23

Right. Amazing sex that you don't really want to be sub in, and he hurts you and won't take no for an answer. He tells you to lose weight, and that it'll be your job to clean and cook for him once that shackle ring is on your finger, which will be pronto.

Remind me why you're dithering? Confused

Original poster
HelpMeChoose · 10/10/2011 20:25

Neither of them know where I live, I'm very careful that I stay safe as have had trouble in the past.

I'm definitely not out to have a relationship with just anybody, I think with PP2 the reason I kept questioning if we could have a relationship or not is, well, tbh, I don't usually have sex with anyone other than someone who I am very close to/in love with. And I think maybe I was possibly hoping that if I could have made a relationship with him, it wouldn't have been so bad that I had jumped into bed with him??

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 10/10/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CumbrianCooBeastie · 10/10/2011 20:37

You may well have behaved out of character according to your own lights, that doesn't mean you have to punish yourself by sticking with this arsehole!

And may I suggest that he had a lot to do with pushing you to go faster than you would like, whether through charm alone, or charm and pushiness. Only a fool persists in his folly... Wink