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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Using force to drag me around

69 replies

Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 13:56

Is it ok to throw someone about, punch their arms and shove them against the wall?

OP posts:
madam52 · 09/10/2011 14:38

Sorry - contradictory post - when I say 'trying to leave them once' I mean leave the relationship not the property necessarily even if that means as elsebells said you getting the police to remove him. As the police will advise you he has done enough to warrant them doing this.

HerScaryness · 09/10/2011 14:38

OK, calm down, as much as you can love. You will need a straight head.

Have you got access to money? transport?
Can you get all your documentation together, passports, birth certs, bills, banks statements, his wage slips etc? If so get them and hide them for now.

Get a bag together with clothes for you and for the DC, any precious photos, valuables if you have time to get them.

You can go to the police station and report this. It may be that they can arrange access for you at a later stage to collect more things, but assume you may not get that chance and take what you can (within reason) now

If you go to the police station, they may be able assess your injuries, and they ought to be able to put you in the care of the DV team who will in turn refer you to DV services in your area.

Be prepared to go wherever there are resources available. Your DC will be fine, don't worry about school, these are details that can be sorted out later. These are extraordinary times, and extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures and a lot of flexibility on your part.

You can and MUST do this. Anyone that scares a 4yo is no man, no father and no human being.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:38

I am going to get flamed for this, but..........has he ever done anything like this before in all your time together? Has he ever assaulted anyone else? Does he normally have a short temper?

If the answer is no to those then I think that this is a man under immense pressure who snapped and reacted in completely the wrong way. I am not condoning it or making excuses, just trying to look at why it happened and if he should be getting help rather than being blasted for being a wife batterer.

It sounds like his son if giving him alot of grief so I would imagine that his ex is too. He has to do the right thing by his sons but also by you and your children. He knows that you have no money to move, adding to the problem and when he talked to you you reacted inappropriately. I am sorry to say this but announcing that you will move out if he moves his SS in was a horrible thing to say. You are making him choose between his wife and younger children, and his older child. And he snapped.

I dont in anyway condone what he did and he needs help dealing with whatever made him react like that. But I dont think this is as simple as a bullying abusive man slapping his wife around. It sounds like a man under alot of stress who needs help dealing with and who was pushed to breaking point.

I would move out for a while, or ask him to leave, and discuss your future then. He obviously needs counselling and by the sound of it, so do you.

HerScaryness · 09/10/2011 14:41

The only tolerance for this kind of treatment is ZERO TOLERANCE.

Bogey, ONCE is too much. She needs to show him that there are real consequences for his actions. the NEXT time he hits/hurts her will be easier otherwise.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 14:42

Ignore bogey. This is not your job to save him. Your poor, poor kids, look at their crying, sad faces.

This man is abusive, no question, it's not stress. You don't have to punch or slap to be abusive.

You deserve flaming for that post.

madam52 · 09/10/2011 14:43

Herscareyness very very good advice OP. Trust us please - the police will no way dismiss you - those days are gone - 'behind closed doors' and all that - they will believe you no matter what your H says - and they will absolutely not send you back to him.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:43

And there are other ways of making sure there isnt a next time than throwing him in the cells.

If we are talking about a man who has until today been kind loving and in no way violent then it seems to me that there is more to this and that instead of locking him up, therapy to help him deal with the anger and his reaction would be more useful.

Original poster
Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 14:44

Yes, he's slapped me and dragged me about before. The other occassions had nothing to do with his older children.

He grabbed me round the neck so hard that I passed out although only for a few seconds.
My friend is coming to get me and take me to the station. I have a a credit card. Am just scared he's going to stop me taking the kids. My eldest child is terrified and is following me everywhere and is desperate for me to avoid her dad.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:45

How is a one off incident "abusive"?

I really hate this habit of people assuming everyone who does something wrong is an abuser. A man convicted of a drunken fight in a pub is not an abuser, he is a pissed up idiot guilty of assault. And unless the OP says otherwise, this is a single incident of assault not a sustained campaign of abuse.

I have lived in a physically emotional and sexaully abusive relationship for years, so believe I know what I am talking about.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 14:45

For her safety and her dc's safety. Imagine the crying, petrified, face of a 4yo here scared at watching he mum being physically attacked.

The only course of action here is to leave and never go back, or get the police to do it for you.

I suggest you stop posting here bogey, your advice is terrible. Never been involved with dv, no?

Original poster
Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 14:45

bogeyface, yes it was a horrible thing to say which is why I wonder if I deserved it.

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 09/10/2011 14:45

Oh yes there are Bogey, but I hear murder's illegal Hmm Grin

DV is like cannibalism. Once the taboo is broken, you may know it's wrong, but hey, you've done it before and nothing bad happened

Tortington · 09/10/2011 14:46

no not true. this is about power and control pure and simple. he is stronger than you and he is exherting that strength. he feels he can do this becuae there are no consequences. there are no consequenses if you do not take action.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:46

In that case Arrogant, I agree that calling the police would be the best course of action.

I didnt get from your OP that he had done it before, but as he has form then I would concur that you need to get him out asap and prosecute him. I did with my ex.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 14:47

Xposts.

Bogey, that's maybe why your advice is skewed. Encouraging the op to somehow be his rescuer and consider him.

Is some on the most appalling advice I have seen here, ever.

As predicted, he has form and he is ABUSIVE. OPI'm so glad you are going, so glad. Stay safe. x

buzzskeleton · 09/10/2011 14:48

Arrogant, don't downplay this - if he's previously throttled you to the point of passing out, he could've easily accidentally have killed you.

nothaunted · 09/10/2011 14:50

If you are worried that he will kick off again, get friend to call the police and get her to turn up with them or call 999 and grab the kids and stand on the street. He sounds dangerous - hands round neck till passing out is on the way towards murder/manslaughter it is the second most dangerous thing to using a weapon. Police will err on the side of your safety. I would urge you not to go to the police but get them come to you. It will be more distressing for DCs to be there with you than at home. GET HIM OUT and you stay put.

BertieBotts · 09/10/2011 14:50

If your children have just started at school they should settle okay into a new one, friendships won't be too set in the school year just yet.

Since OP is having to ask if this is normal/okay, I would think it's pretty likely that this guy has been abusing her at a subtle level for a long time. If it was a one off you would be a lot more shocked and know immediately that it was unnacceptable.

OP he cannot stop you taking the children.

HerScaryness · 09/10/2011 14:52

OK, interesting point.

A guy gets pissed, gets into a fight, assaults some other poor sod. arrested, charged for assault. He goes to court and gets fined/sentenced for that ONE offence.

Sound normal? It IS usual for ONE instance of a crime to be punished.

A man that will drag his wife/partner around, hurting her is WORSE than the pub drunk. he should have a duty of care, love, respect for her and for himself, not to mention his DC.

Bogey, you are making excuses. For yourself, for the person that abused you. you are normalising and creating an environment of doubt, so that you don't have to face facts that the person that hurt you IS evil. IS someone that actively contrived to hurt, damage and destroy you. When the FOG clears, hopefully you will see what you have written and re-phrase it. have you had any counselling? could you try and get on a Freedom Programme, I think you could really benefit.

I say this because I WAS in an abusive relationship, physical and mental, I am now OUT, but it still hurts, I still need help. It takes a long time to recover and you can not do it by yourself.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:53

Bubble, I think you misunderstood me. I dont think she should rescue him (well definitely not now, but ykwim) I meant that she should leave him/get him out and insist on him getting help for his issues. They would not be together, and she would be safe but he would get help. It did read to me as a stressed man who snapped, my uncle was in a similar situation and it turned out he was having a nervous breakdown. Being arrested would have finished him off, he was suicidal. But as the OP has since said that he has done this before then of course I think that she should involve the police.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2011 14:55

I havent put my point across very well and being misunderstood all over. I have not normalised anything, in fact if anything I would say my radar is tuned higher than most people for DV. But I read the OP in the wrong way, and now I know the facts, I have changed my opinion. I was just trying to say that if someone is ill rather than abusive, then involving the police with a view to prosecution can be counter-productive.

Clearly he is not ill, so it is rather a moot point now.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 14:57

I think you should listen to HERscaryness, bogey xx She talks sense.

It was obvious from the op she was being abused. That's why I called him an abuser. She was questioning herself, if she brought it on herself, if it was normal.

Clear signs of abuse. Normal men, do NOT snap like this at all. One off or not, it was an abusive incident. You did sound like you were trying to "justify" this as someone who snapped, when op provoked him with her "horrible" comment.

Op then started questioning herself again. That's why I found it appalling.

RitaMorgan · 09/10/2011 14:58

If a otherwise nice bloke snapped and punched me in the street, I'd call the police and expect him to be prosecuted.

An assualt in your own home, by a family member is more serious than a random attack by a stranger imo, not less so.

Original poster
Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 14:58

Mostly it has just been swearing at me and trying to humiliate me in front of te kids. Sometimes it spills over into him "manhandling" me. I don't think the Police would press charges. Apart from the odd bruise it is mostly dragging me across the room or pushing me into the wall.
I can't ignore the affect this is having on my daughter. She shouldn't be

OP posts:
DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 09/10/2011 15:00

Arrogantcat, I hope you are ok. I sincerely hope that you are.

Please read the link that Custardo provided.

If you would find it easier to talk to someone, please phone women's aid on 0808 2000 247.

Are you safe now? Is he in the house? If you're safe, then collect a bag, with changes of clothes, passports, bank statements, wage slips, any valuables, anything for benefit entitlements (tax credit notices, child benefit).

If you do go into a refuge, then don't worry. The refuge will help sort out a new school. They may also be abe to place a shield on your DC's names, so that your partner wouldn't be able to find out where you are that way.

I'd also echo talking to the police. He has assaulted you. This is not right, in the slightest.

Also, do you have any money available for now, in case you do need to move to a refuge which is some distance away?

Most importantly, do you know how to clear your browsing history? Cookies? Things like that? That's an important thing to keep in mind, as if this page is not in your cookies/history, he won't be able to trace it. If you can, start subsequent visits to this page in "private browsing", if you're not already.