Gone too far

[Justlostitwithhim]

Have been miserable for months. I had my 6th baby in January, he was unplanned as I had been sterilised. I've changed my name for this as I feel really bad and I need to talk. I am in a really difficult situation, 4 children SN and I found out in February that my husband had a series of internet affairs, he kept getting emails offering sex, he'd been looking at loads of porn and had transvestic fetishism.
The crux came tonight when I had been crying in the kitchen because I'm worried about my health. I think I've got pnd and I started smoking again and comfort eating because of the stress. I was angry because he just lay on the sofa with his eyes closed whilst I was telling him that I was worried about developing heart disease - my mother had it and possibly having pnd. i said to him that I didn't know how he could be so oblivious to the pain he'd caused and he said that he was going to bed before I became verbally abusive.
I have been very angry with him, his behaviour has almost totally overshadowed our new baby's first year. He wouldn't leave and i have no family to go to - all he said was that he wasn't prepared to leave his home. Tonight, when I saw him heading for bed I was furious. I still had to tidy and get dcs clothes ready for church tomorrow. i said to him that he was one of the most selfish and spineless creatures I had ever met. Now i am worried about what tomorrow will bring. Any thoughts?

Who's gone too far? You surely can't be referring to yourself?

I think you should have gone a lot further a long time ago and kicked him out when you found him messing about with other women on the internet.

Sounds like having him around is making you feel worse, not better.

He flatly refused to go. I ordered him to go, begged, pleaded, everything I could think of. I told him at the time that this would happen and now he's playing the victim because I'm "abusive". I'm bloody furious! I need practical help with the children, but that's all. Thanks for reading

Yes, I was referring to me. He'll sulk all bloody day tomorrow - or worse still play the martyr.

Will he be accompanying you all to church? Does he attend at all?

I'm afraid I don't have much practical advice to offer you. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon to help.

I just wanted to let you know that you've done the right thing by asking him to go. He's not a victim, he's the one who's engineered this whole situation to where it is now because of his behaviour.

Good luck with getting rid of the dead wood. And if you are worried about PND, definitely go and see your GP. You'll need to be fit and well to deal with this.

My first thought is that 'tomorrow's another day' and my second thought is that you should try to avoid second-guessing the future when you are obviously depressed and, by your own admission, are most probably suffering from pnd.

It's not unusual for our thoughts often stray to maudlin musings on illness and death - particularly our own - when we're feeling down. I take the view that my own death will inevitably happen one day but, until it does, there's not a lot of point in my worrying about the where's or the how's - and as for the why's, that's preoccupied some of the greatest thinkers since time immemorial and, one of these days, I might find time to read more about their thoughts on the subject.

Accept that you've been on a bit of a downer tonight, but it doesn't have have to be that way tomorrow. Hopefully, a good night's sleep will take some of your negative thoughts away and you'll wake up in a more positive mood in the morning.

Obviously, you've got a lot of issues to work out with regard to your dh's behaviour earlier this year. You need to know why he behaved as he did and you need assurances that he's not going to continue to disrespect his marriage vows to you.

Before you start tackling those issues in depth, please make an appointment with your GP and get medication that will help alleviate your pnd.

I seem to recall that you've posted here before? I'm going to try and find your earlier post and link it to this so that others won't see this latest one in isolation.

Thanks Madonna - I thought the moods were down to stress at first but I'm feeling really hopeless and angry sometimes so I know it's likely to be pnd. Tiffany, he goes to church with us - in fact he seems really keen on God at the moment. He keeps reading a book called The One Year Mini For Men which is packed with inspirational quotes. He's driving me mad in that respect. He keeps chatting away to the church leaders and it's getting on my nerves - he's a bloody hypocrite.

Thanks Izzy - I just wish the baby would sleep through. DH is sleeping on the spare bed in DD3's room so I'll have to get up with him. The tiredness does not help at all!

I couldn't read and run - blimey! How on earth you're still standing through all of this, I don't know You poor thing!

You most certainly didn't go too far. He is rude, dismissive, unfaithful, uncaring and tries to turn it back on you (which, without even reading any more of your posts, makes him abusive. As if you didn't know.) You were right: he is selfish and spineless. And worse

I think you need to go to your GP - yes, about the PND but please make sure you tell them everything. Don't you see that anybody would be depressed and nervy in your situation, even if they were Superwoman on speed? Don't just blame your hormones; it's rational to feel depressed in your situation.

As to what you can do - If your "husband" won't do the decent thing, you'll have to divorce him. What on earth are you trying to appease him for? Continuing like this will destroy any self-worth you've got left, and that will damage your long-term health. You can't afford to do it, and your kids need a confident mum. Plus, it'll be a better example to them if you show them people shouldn't put up with being treated contemptuously.

It is going to be hard to extricate yourself, with so many kids needing so much attention. But it's going to be damn hard to carry on like this, so please take the first steps towards setting up a better life for your family sans loser H. Ask your GP for referrals and advice. Talk to your church - they may have untapped resources. Make an appointment for yourself with the CAB. Also, is there a supportive friend or relation who could come over for a week or so and let you put your feet up for a wee while?

I'd do it myself if I could! Please realise you deserve better than this; so your DC. It will be hard to change things. But worthwhile. Breaking the unwritten rules and sending you some (((((((hugs)))))))

Garlic I have tears in my eyes - thank you so much. I unfortunately have no family - my mother's dead and my father married her sister. So they've been written out. Ditto siblings. But mumsnet has been an absolute lifeline. Thank you for the hugs .

If you're b/feeding, can you not have baby sleeping in bed with you to save you having to get up?

Hi Izzy - I'm f/feeding because of thyroid meds so will have to get up. But he's not too much trouble. He settles fairly quickly - thank goodness.

I understand exactly how you feel my partner is he same..but i put up with for kids sake and the fear of being alone..For the comfort eating and smoking i don't have an answer as i do the same but the worrying of illness i suggest a talk with health visitor as doctors c an be quite dawnting going to when your weepy with noone to talk to also try the womens aid even just for a chat x

Thanks Polkadots, it's miserable isn't it? My big worry with smoking and comfort eating is that at some point in the future there will be very unpleasant consequences. But then I think, one day at a time. I will definitely see my doctor this week. Thanks and I hope you can see some light at the end of the tunnel too.

Consult a lawyer and the CAB about getting rid of the husband and managing without him. You might want to consider getting rid of the church, too, unless you are sure that they will be supportive rather than telling you that you need to learn to submit to your H properly (the amount of DC you have suggests that your church might be the woman-hating sort). Best of luck, you can change your life and you don't need your H's permission to dump him.

Thanks, It is you run around after kids all day and night and clean the house while they sit on their ass and do nothing it gets me soo angry. Thats all i think about too as my Grandfather has smoking realted diseases and is in hosptial atm because of them i know i should quit but the stress relief works wonders its like a 5 minute to yourself chilling break..x

Hi solidgoldbrass, you have a good point there. Much as I like the church, I think a lawyer might be more supportive. I think submissiveness is a valued trait there.

Polkadots - have you tried Allen Carr? I suppose you haven't got time to read - but when I became pregnant last time it was a shock and I struggled to stop but that really helped .

No, thanks will give it a try x

If you haven't got time to read there are documentaries on youtube. The only problem for me (obviously!) has been sticking to it long term. But I can't wait to stop and start eating better. Why should we suffer physically too?

Thats great thanks, just been looking at the book was it the normal one or the womans one you tried? I know what you mean i've been going to the gym twice a week and feel great but the minute i come home i start picking at biscuits, chocolate, crisps etc and feel awful the next day..wish there was a miracle cure..

I just used the regular book, it's very good. A bit irritating it parts but it certainly drives the point home!

thanks soo much just bought my copy..will let you know how i get on..
Have a gd nite and try not to let him get to you..i know its hard but you'll feel better for ignoring him and getting on it with it yourself (so i'm told) x

Thanks Polkadots

I can't offer any advice re your husband as I'm not great on relationship stuff tbh, but you have been given some great advice already and I agree with those that say you deserve better and shouldn't have to put up with that.

But on the other stuff... I had a baby last December, my third. I became quite ill as a result of the pregnancy and since then have had endless problems, anxiety, panic attacks, constant thoughts that I'm seriously ill again and am going to die. It's horrible and sometimes all consuming. I've been insisting it's not PND for months but a 'real' physiological illness.

Recently I've slowly began to realise that it is anxiety issues I'm suffering with and possibly PND too. Im having trouble coping with the baby through his screaming, teething nights and I think maybe there is some resentment there as it was carrying him that made me this way. Until then I was fine.

This is the first time I've admitted this 'out loud' but I did book an appt to see my practice nurse on Tuesday to talk. I feel much more comfortable with her than the GP, I know she will probably tell me to talk to the Dr but at least it's a first step.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, it's really draining feeling like this. I also comfort eat and smoke to make me feel better then hate myself for it because it's contributing to me feeling crap so stop for weeks and then the cycle starts again.

You are amazing for dealing with all of this, I can barely cope some days and I have a very supportive DH who has completely taken over all the stuff I just can't face on bad days so I'm really in awe of you.

Please do get as much help as possible, both practical and emotional. Huge hugs to you.