"the ball and chain"

[Cheburashka]

Right. Here's the problem (through my eyes)

DP is going out on his own tonight. A few days ago he said "I'm going out on Friday", he didn't invite me and he didn't ask (just out of politeness at least) whether I wanted to come. He is going out with an old friend (male) he hasn't seen for quite some time. I don't like that friend and DP claims that he didnt ask me to go out with them because "you dont like him". Later in the week I find messages they sent to each other where DP says "Its gonna be just you and I, I'm leaving the ball and chain at home"
Question1 is: How bad is it to be called "the ball and chain"? How would you feel if your partners called you that?

P.S. I got annoyed with him when we spoke because he didnt even ask if I wanted to go out - I've recently moved to England from another country, dont know anyone yet, i.e. he knows I've got nothing else to do but to stay at home all evening.
P.S.2 - I think he lied to me by saying "i didnt invite you because you dont like him anyway". Him saying "i'm leaving the ball and chain at home" means to me "I dont want her to come out with us"
P.S.3 - I could think on a deeper level about all this. DP drinks quite a lot and after many many many conversations, tears (mine) and long horrible evenings we've agreed he wouldn't drink more than 4 pints a night. He agreed and promised he wouldnt. Now I could see him going out with his mate as a way to drink more without me knowing about it (him and his friend have a long history of drinking together).

What do you think about all this? Am i being too sensitive? Should I just ignore all this? Or does it look like there is a problem? Any thoughts or comments would be highly appreciated as I cant talk to anyone about it right now.. Thank you!

If he comes back drunk tonight could you just take yourself out for the day tomorrow? Go to a museum, art gallery, anything that is more fun than being around a bully with a hangover?

I could and that's exactly what I intend to do. I know that after that I'll come home to "what are you being miserable for" and "like that then, you go off and do your own thing because I went out last night, not very mature is it"... but i really can't be bothered to argue any more or prove my points..

Quite right. Sounds like you have realised the truth about this man and admitted it to yourself.
No need for him to be your "ball and chain" - you can break free.

GO and look at some rental propertes tomorrow!

Cheb

He's a rubbish partner and you need to raise your own bar in relationships because such men cripple your own self esteem and worth (and it did not sound too high to start with. Also your own parents were poor relationship models).

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?. It sounds like a complete nightmare and this has so many red flags all over it that I've lost count. Its not good for you to be within this because its a non relationship.

You can make it on your own, this man is more than happy to drag you down with him and at present he is doing precisely that. You do not have to put up with it.

Thank goodness you are going to be working full time soon.

Yes, go and look at rental properties tomorrow. Perhaps a lodging, temporarily? They are much cheaper, you would have company, and you could arrange it and leave quickly without committing yourself to a 6-month tenancy. You could just take a room with someone while you work out what you really want to do next, and start saving for a deposit etc. ... or a flight home!

Good luck, you are definitely thinking the right way about this.

It's not JUST about the drink, Cheburashka. Lots of people are trying to get you to see past it, but perhaps you're scared to peek?

He calls you names to your face and behind your back.
He acts as though you're a servant who's not up to scratch.
If you call him on his bad behaviour, he accuses you of abuse - 'controlling'.
He minimises his own faults - the English standard for too much beer is 5 pints.
He minimises your own thoughts & feelings - 'stop moaning'.
He discounts your opinions 'stop being pathetic'.
You're already so cowed that you apologise when he's in the wrong.
You're already so lacking in self-worth that you're apologising for your posts here.
He pretends to support your independence, but cross-examines you when you do something for yourself.

He is bad news, sweetheart. He won't improve when you have your job & life sorted out. When you think he might, you're effectively blaming yourself for his contempt ... and that's how he wants you! When you've got your job, he will become more controlling and will probably contrive to lose his, so he can live off you.

Sorry, but this is about far more than beer. Extricate yourself from this prison, please!

Have a look at this page: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html.
I could show him to you on pages about more than verbal abuse, if you like ... :(

Hi Cheburashka,
I am in agreement with the others here. This guy is not a 'keeper'. Think catch and release...time for the release.

His family is being nice to you. Of course they are, dear friend. With you in the picture, they don't have to deal with him as much. Next time you are with his parents, step aside and quietly say to them something like, "he really does have a mean bully side to him doesn't he?"...just to see their reaction. Plus, that will be the explanation for the end of the relationship (if you are around long enough to see his parents again, that is .)

On compromise: Abuse is not something you want to compromise on. This is clearly emotional abuse happening to you. There are worse things than being alone and this is it.

If a guy is a little over weight, maybe not as wealthy as we'd like, likes moronic humor (my dh ), won't pick up his dirty socks, etc...these are things we can compromise over...but not abuse, not a little bit of abuse, not 'well, at least he hasn't hit me' abuse, not, 'ha ha-it's ok-I can get over it' abuse. Ok? Zero tolerance.

When he is out without you, it is a perfect time to study up on the dynamics of abusive relationships. (You might find yourself encouraging him to be off without you even more, so you can have a little more private time for this. Ha! How ironic would that be? ) This is important knowledge that will affect the entire course of your life as well as the lives of any children you may have.

A parting line might be that you want children, just not his children.

Please don't believe that is normal behaviour - Like snorbs says, if he is drinking and behaving like this in his 30's then he will continue and by his 40's it will be more destructive. Generally I feel that if he hasn't changed by his early 30's then he's unlikely to..however I think that in the next few years you could develop and grow as a person I felt that I finally realised what I wanted in a partner in my late 20's (but I had already settled down with someone).

Would he be able to not drink for a period of time, a week or a month? I'm guessing the answer is no (he may say, he could but chooses not to).

I'm sure he has his good points - perhaps he's charming and amusing at times however his negative behaviour will over time become more dominant. I know that if you get on well with his family it's hard to break that bond but I suspect that they hope you stay around as they perceive you are good for him...even if he is not good for you.

My dh is a caring, kind man, he is a good provider, he is highly respectful towards me, he doesn't have 'boys' nights out on a regular basis, he wouldn't drink excessively.I think you deserve someone similar..if you have had serious and repetitive arguments in your first year living together (where you always have to apologise first) then you have many, many warning signs.

People in relationships need their own space. The fact that you felt so peeved just because he wanted to go out with a friend without you is unsustainable IMO. I see no reason why he should have invited you. Married people go out with their friends (particularly those of the same sex) without their spouses all the time. Sometimes it's right for the spouse to come along, sometimes not.

You found out that he used a description of you that could be construed as insulting (but was probably just off-hand) by reading his personal messages. I wouldn't be too worried about that either, I'd be more worried by the fact that you feel it necessary or appropriate to read his messages to other people.

It's possible he said it because he does feel you're controlling and sees your situation together as something he needs to escape from to have a relaxing time with his friends. But then it sounds like it is, if he can't just go and do that without you taking it as a rejection.

You certainly don't sound happy together and have very different ideas about life, relationships, drinking etc. So I agree with others that you may well be best off going back. It doesn't sound like you're going to reach common ground TBH.

Did you miss this post, confidence?

I'm the one who ends up apologising about every argument we have. I apologise for the fact I brought up the drinking topic, I apologise for asking him too many questions when he doesnt feel like talking, I apologise for putting his clothes in the wardrobe when he wanted them outside, etc etc etc. Seems like I can't do anything right.

And this one?

he has never ordered me to do chores but he does point out "it's not clean behind the cupboard" and I say "you can clean it if you dont like it" and he says "I'm the one who works full time and I dont have time for cleaning"

He's bossy, yes, his family says that to me too

He does urge me to "go out there" and find friends but when I do he requires full explanation of where I've been, whom with, what we talked about, etc. If I ask him questions like that when he goes out, he'll freak out about me being controlling.

It seems the need for space in this relationship is supposed to be all on his side.
Still, I agree with your conclusion.

Oh dear, you won't believe it..
So last night, I go to bed at around 11:00. At 11:15 I get a message from him (he's still outside somewhere with his mate) asking "r u asleep". I said "I'm not, why". No response. At 11:30 he calls me (I'm barely awake at that point) and says him and his mate are downstairs and are thinking of coming to our flat to conitunue the night. I said I cant believe that he is saying this and I said "do what u like" as I wanted to try and fall asleep at least. I said I was extremely disappointed, I thought he'd act more grown up, I thought he'd keep to his promise (the 4 pints), etc. He said "Fine" and hung up.
5 minutes later here they come. DP comes into my bedroom and says he's here and his mate is here. I said all the same things, Im disappointed, he's making me do things I really dont want to do, etc. I asked him "why didnt you keep to the limit" (as he was obviously really drunk), he says "what limit", I say "the 4 pints limit you promised you'd stick to".. he says (after a pause) "Oh that was only for when you were there", which was the most pathetic excuse and is not true. I told him he's pathetic, He lied to me, he broke his promise and he's forcing me into things I dont want to do. He said "well, its ur choice" and mentioned something about controlling again and went to the other room. There they drank more, listened to music and talked (i'm not even gonna go into the topics of their conversations, but basically his mate was trying to convince DP that he doesnt need a "bird", its no freedom and how nice it is to go and do things on your own). Of course that mate doesnt have a girlfriend, never had and he's 34. They stayed up for another 3 hours, at that time I was awake as I couldnt sleep because of the noise, his mate finally went at 3:00am, DP came to bed and fell asleep straight away and I stayed awake really shocked and very sad. I managed to sleep for an hour or two and here I am, up in the morning. I'm off to pack a few things!

Good for you Cheb use your anger to propel you put of this situation. You deserve better, someone who treats you with respect and isn't as immature and silly as this excuse for a man.

You go girl!

You want someone who is moving in the same direction as you, who wants the same thing as you, who supports you and treats you with respect and kindness. You also want someone who is either tee total or drinks in moderation.

You are not getting any of this with your current partner and you never will. You really should be in honeymoon phase now. It's never going to be any easier. You need to move on and find someone who is a better fit but I think you know that.

Move on!

I think my view on this will differ a bit.
Now, I'm not saying he's not bossy and controlling and maybe even a complete twat. He probably is. He might also very likely have a drink problem.
However, it's not up to the OP to enforce limits on his drinking. He's an adult and that's up to him.
I understand the frustration, OP, but I would find your behaviour controlling in that way..
You cannot change him not should you want to.
Good luck.

Good for you, Cheb!

He wants to be drunk and stay up all night, in male company, ranting on about how he doesn't want women in his life.

Well, that's fairly clear then. Let him have what he wants: life as a drunk without women! As a woman, it's pointless to hang around, isn't it?

Hi Cheb,

Can you give us an idea where in the UK you are so we can give you some practical advice regarding housing etc.

I know how you feel having moved to another country for love (I did the same) I think it is best if you move into shared housing for now, that way you would meet different people, make new friends and start a new life if you want to stay in the UK.

Not quite sure what coffeeinbed is driving at , but it's certainly true that you can't change him. He sounds to be in an adolescent state of arrested development.
You however sound like an intelligent independent woman, bilingual etc. Don't settle for "that'll do" with this man. It won't.
Hope you have been out checking the rental market!

That is my point - she's desperately trying to change him. Now, he is a twat, but you know what, it's up to him. he has to learn on his own.
Tears, fury - all of which the OP talked in her posts are her way of trying to change him.
I wonder how much the fact that she invested so much in this relationship has to do with it. She did move across Europe to be with him. He did not turn out the man she thought he was.
Time to move on. Let him be the twat he is.

I see what you are saying, coffee, and agree.

Hi, are you ok today?

Cheb - use this anger to help get you out and away from there, and stay away.

He's simply not worth wasting a moment more on.

Good luck for the future and finding a mature, loving, ADULT partner!