"the ball and chain"

[Cheburashka]

Right. Here's the problem (through my eyes)

DP is going out on his own tonight. A few days ago he said "I'm going out on Friday", he didn't invite me and he didn't ask (just out of politeness at least) whether I wanted to come. He is going out with an old friend (male) he hasn't seen for quite some time. I don't like that friend and DP claims that he didnt ask me to go out with them because "you dont like him". Later in the week I find messages they sent to each other where DP says "Its gonna be just you and I, I'm leaving the ball and chain at home"
Question1 is: How bad is it to be called "the ball and chain"? How would you feel if your partners called you that?

P.S. I got annoyed with him when we spoke because he didnt even ask if I wanted to go out - I've recently moved to England from another country, dont know anyone yet, i.e. he knows I've got nothing else to do but to stay at home all evening.
P.S.2 - I think he lied to me by saying "i didnt invite you because you dont like him anyway". Him saying "i'm leaving the ball and chain at home" means to me "I dont want her to come out with us"
P.S.3 - I could think on a deeper level about all this. DP drinks quite a lot and after many many many conversations, tears (mine) and long horrible evenings we've agreed he wouldn't drink more than 4 pints a night. He agreed and promised he wouldnt. Now I could see him going out with his mate as a way to drink more without me knowing about it (him and his friend have a long history of drinking together).

What do you think about all this? Am i being too sensitive? Should I just ignore all this? Or does it look like there is a problem? Any thoughts or comments would be highly appreciated as I cant talk to anyone about it right now.. Thank you!

Why do you think you need to settle for a relationship that clearly makes you unhappy, with a man who treats you with no respect?

You say 'I know I can't find someone perfect'. Firstly - actually, you can. you can find a good man, who has faults like we all do - but who is a perfect partner for YOU. Who loves you, is kind to you, loves spending time with you and treats you with respect. Why are you giving up on all of this so young?

Did you see your parents settle for an unhappy marriage?

You are apologising all the time because you have low self esteem and don't believe in yourself. He is constantly upsetting you and making you unhappy - but because you aren't prepared to act on your unhappiness and walk away - you end up apologising - because he certainly isn't going to!

Do you seriously want to sign your one precious life away to a relationship that makes you feel like crap? he sounds like a sexist arsehole who views women as a burden - when I was young i had a boyfriend like that. my partner now would NEVER talk about me like that, he never insults me even as a joke - and he and I go out together all the time, we are friends.

Can I suggest you get some counselling to talk through your relationship issues and how they might be linked to your family upbringing? And why you are setting your expectations so low? Go to the BACP website.

You cannot control an alcoholic. YOu cannot stop someone being an arsehole. You can leave and get on with your life - and find happiness.

You have one precious life, it's better to be on your own than be unhappy - once you have sorted yourself out, you will have the confidence to learn how to spot the bad men, avoid them - and seek out and be happy with the nice ones!

TBH, I'm not sure that 8 years is that significant an age gap, - its usually 'stages not ages' anyway.

ie: - you have lived independently, worked, studied etc. You are the same 'stage' as he is.

And you being younger than him is in NO WAY a reason/excuse/explanation for treating you badly. When I was much younger I went out with someone with whom there was a larger age gap, and he would never have dreamed of using that as a reason to put me down or minimise my input.

PS Don't apologise for complaining, - you don't have to apologise to us :)

ps. he isn't bossy because you are young - he is bossy because is a horrible bossy person. His faults are not related to YOU - they are about HIM.

Good that you will start working fulltime - I hope you make some friends through that. Also depending where you are, are there any expat Bulgarian groups, you might find friends there too and also find it easier to go out and get to know other Brits. How about gym, class, something for you in the evenings? Show him you have a life. He sounds like he is taunting you for your lack of connections here - when you were both in Sweden you were both outsiders in a way, but here he is on home territory. So basically say stuff it for a couple of evenings a week. And don't be the missus/her indoors and do all his washing/cooking. When you are working fulltime you should both run the house.

Sorry, got it wrong.
Eight years is not that much older, though.
Your relationship dynamic seems off. You seem to irritate each other all the time.

I moved to England for my first husband when I was about the same age as you. Right away he wanted to carry on his life exactly as before--working all hours, spending most evenings with friends, while I sat at home filling out job applications and being lonely because I didn't know anyone or have any money of my own. I didn't move across the world to be by myself all the time!

You are still young. He's not going to change. You won't find somebody 'perfect', but you CAN find someone better than this idiot. It really sounds like you are a domestic servant rather than a partner, surely you don't want this?

forgot to add, I am remarried now, to someone who certainly has his faults but will always make me and DS his top priority. I met him when I was nearly 31, so certainly not too late for you!

"I'm aware I'll never find somebody "perfect" and there will need to be some compromise."
That was exactly my justification for staying with my ex. I thought "better the devil you know" and I really believed he was as good as I deserved. He was a manipulative drunken bully and now I am with someone 'perfect', he has his faults, as do I, but he is perfect for me because he respects me and doesn't bully me or control me.
Please don't think you have to put up with this shit. You are young and intelligent and trust me there are much nicer men out there who don't drink and belittle you.

Would you have support from your friends and family if you moved back home? That is what I would be urging you to do, if I was them.

It sounds like this guy has gone "I'll get myself a nice little foreign wife, she will cook, clean and provide sex on tap, and she won't complain as much as those controlling english girls." He sounds like a massively entitled wanker. Not all men are like this - you don't have to put up with it just because he wants the same things in life. In fact be very cautious - his view of marriage, living together, having children together is probably very different to yours. As you are finding now, in fact!

(Just to let you know, I'm a man)

Lots of english men go through phases in their early 20s when they drink a lot. When I was 22 or 23 then six pints on a Friday and Saturday evening was not unusual for me or my friends. But nearly all of us grew up and cut back on the drinking because being drunk every weekend got boring and we had different things we wanted to do in life. A few never did slow down how much they were drinking and they went on to develop serious alcohol problems.

Your DP is, what, 33? And he's still drinking pretty much every day? Cheburashka, this man has a big problem with drink. It's very likely that problem will get worse. I have heard from a variety of sources as well as seeing it with my own eyes that people with drink problems are often able to keep it going until they're in their 40s and then it all falls apart.

Aside from the drinking, though, this man really doesn't seem to like you very much and you seem a bit scared of his reactions to you. You seem to be "walking on eggshells", watching what you say so you don't provoke an angry response and apologising for things you shouldn't really be apologising for. That's not a good sign. Could you read through this and see if you recognise your DP in there?

Him being older is definitely no excuse to belittle me or what I do. He's the type that doesnt like being told "how" to do something or what not to do. Especially by a girl.
He's bossy, yes, his family says that to me too, and to ignore him when he's like that. I like his family, they like me, they've helped me find my currernt job and I feel somewhat obliged to them for helping me out.
Cooking/washing/etc is something I choose to do, he has never ordered me to do chores but he does point out "it's not clean behind the cupboard" and I say "you can clean it if you dont like it" and he says "I'm the one who works full time and I dont have time for cleaning". Lets see how that changes when I start FT too..
Will I have support from my family if I go back? Probably I will, in the end, however they like him and I have never mentioned our problems to them. They are quite eager for me and him to settle down properly and I'm pretty sure they won't react well to the news of me and him separated. My parents are even coming to England in 2 weeks for a visit and will meet with his parents..
Did you see your parents settle for an unhappy marriage? - No, we were very happy for about 14 years when my dad's problems started. 5 years later I left the house and went to university and feel terribly guilty for leaving my mum alone to it.
I have the feeling that if I get a proper grip of my life and start to do my own things, find my own friends, go out on my own he might realise that I'm not just someone he sees at home in the evenings after work. It feels like he's definitely looking down on me at the moment. He does urge me to "go out there" and find friends but when I do he requires full explanation of where I've been, whom with, what we talked about, etc. If I ask him questions like that when he goes out, he'll freak out about me being controlling.. He says he doesnt want to be "smothered" by me.

Snorbs, he says when he was in his 20s he drank much more than today and things are definitely improving in terms of his drinking. At this moment this is probably the least he's drunk since he was 18. I still think it's quite a lot though. Unfortunately the people he grew up with were the same so he doesnt really know many "normal" people to compare his drinking to theirs. The friend he is going out with tonight is one of the people he grew up with.

Cheburashka - he's the controlling one.

oh god..he sounds awful. You think you need to prove you are worth loving - he should be supportive of you and kind - there for you when you are finding life tough. How long will you spend - how many years - trying to make yourself the person who will win his approval?

Of course he is a hypocrite about 'smothering' - all sexist men and bullies are. Always hassling you, never trusting you, not wanting yout to enjoy youself - but dont you dare ask those questions yourself....stay quiet little woman.

I have had many crap relationships in my time, I know how easy it is to lose sight of what a good one should be. My current partner has never, ever looked down on me.

You don't need to stay with someone out of obligation to either your family or his.

All of this is about you worrying that you are not good enough for him - why dont you decide how YOU want to be treated, then make it clear that if things don't change, you will leave. You sound like he has totally crushed you.

I wish I could show you a vision - in the future of how different things will be when you do finally get sick of his shit and go and make your life happier on your own.

You could be me 8 years ago, when I moved countries to be with a man who neglected me, drank a lot, shouted and swore at me, called me controlling about the drink, enjoyed very much the fact that I was more responsible and highly paid than him, and who, in essence, replicated with me the dynamic that had existed between my parents.

I stayed in that relationship for 12 years, trying and wanting so much to make it work, because it would have been so perfect if only he didn't say and do horrible hurtful things at times... Meanwhile our ties increased, and his abuse escalated.

Read around the Relationships board, Cheburashka. I would particularly direct you to the links at the start of this thread. Is this really the life you want for yourself?

by the way - the only reasons you have given for staying with him so far are

• your parents might not like it if you break up
• his parents have helped you
• you think maybe if you change your own behaviour/ character he might stop being an arse

not a single appealing characteristic on his part....

Yes, he's the controlling one.

And borderline alcoholic, or at least someone who is very very clearly lining up to have a drink problem sometime in the near future.

And he doesn't respect you. At all.

No-one is perfect, but by god I'd choose being single over having to have my one precious life stamped down by this kind of idiot as a partner.

Cheburashka, have a serious think girl! Please DON'T be held back by thinking 'well, he's the best I can do'. He sounds seriously below par. DON'T be held back by feeling obligated to anyone, or not wanting to upset your parents.

All the stuff about cleaning, not inviting you out, using derogatory terms...these are the little warnings, the little red flags we get to help us realise that a relationship, a person, ISN'T RIGHT. This guy is not one of the good ones. Don't marry him - if you do, this behaviour will get worse. Don't pool your finances - stay independent of a man like this, please. And DON'T have children with him - you will be the one bringing them up, doing the donkey work, while he carries on drinking and sneering at you and finding childish, behind-your-back ways to have what he wants:

'He basically wants to be left alone, but doesnt mind coming home to cooked dinners, washed clothes and a clean house every night.'

Exactly.

You say he looks down on you. You're right. He does. Every post you write shows that clearly. You aren't married, you have no children. Right now you are free and independent to walk...

You are really young. You have it all in front of you. You can do better.

Him? A lazy, not-very-nice, older bloke whose idea of a relationship is throwing his weight around.

I say look at that plane ticket home...

Note Cheburashka, ALL the posters on here are in agreement. Think about it.

Do you think we are all so fantastically lucky to have met the 'perfect' man?

No! Of course not. No such person exists. Everyone has their faults.

But look at all the people on here saying you can do better. All of those people have experience of relationships with NICE PEOPLE, that's why they're saying this. Not perfect people, just nice ones. Kind ones. Funny ones. Caring ones.

They aren't unusual at all, in England, Bulgaria, or anywhere in between. It's your DP who is in the unusual camp. Most men are decent sorts. Most men dont have a drink problem. Most men don't refer to their partners as your DP does to you.

You absolutely can do better, and have a happier life, than the one that looks to be on the cards if you stay with this idiot.

have the feeling that if I get a proper grip of my life and start to do my own things, find my own friends, go out on my own he might realise that I'm not just someone he sees at home in the evenings after work.

No no no no no

You do not have to change to make him respect you. He should respect you already. You do not have to prove anything to him.

Please please see this. He WILL NOT CHANGE. Your arguments will get worse. You will be walking on eggshells all the time. For gods sake do NOT have children with him as your life will be utter misery - we have seen it all before here on MN - please do NOT think you have to change in order to make him treat you properly. If he can't do this now he is not going to change his style.

How do you think he would react if you called him 'the jailer' or 'the bully boy' in a jokey way? I'm guessing that he can't take abuse as well as he seems to dish it out.

Like others have already said, you don't sound happy in this relationship and this man doesn't treat you with respect.

4 pints of beer is a lot to drink on a regular basis. He's trying to fool himself if he believes otherwise.

Wouldn't you prefer to be with a man who is kind and respectful?

As has been said before, do not trap yourself in marrying this man because his parents are nice and your parents are about meet him etc. Much better to get out now that you are becoming aware of the red flags than just meekly go along with it all.
Take control of your own life. Your parents will not be happy some time down the line to see you miserable, and you will not be happy trying to hide it from them.
Imagine you had a daughter of your own - what would you tell her in this situation?

You all sound right. I absolutely agree with everything you say. Maybe I just haven't been brave enough, decisive enough to go ahead on my own. Anyway, I'm all by myself tonight so I can think of a good sound exit strategy.
I've said it once in a state of fury that if he continues drinking like that, he's out. He just went mental. In the end it was my fault for threatening our relationship and he "agreed" on the 4 pints limit only so that I dont bring up the topic again. Now he goes out without me..

It's partly to do with the drinking but to be honest I am more worried that you think you have to fix yourself and your life in order to get him to treat you with respect.

If he comes back drunk tonight please don't say anything to him about it. It is absolutely pointless talking to a drunk about their drinking problem. All it will do is trigger more aggression from him.

Take care.

Katisha, mostly I tried to "make it work" but I ended up just fed up with it and "scared" of the next time we have to go out to pubs..
Snorbs, I'll do my best. I know he will. He will come home in the middle of the night, he will go to bed, stinking of alcohol and snoring because of it. In the morning he'll feel bad as he is not all that young anymore and he'd say "why did i drink so much last night". I've been through it a million times.
Unfortunately, I can't just pack my bag and go and sleep at my mum's tonight.