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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspectives please.. didn't want to hijack the other 'is this normal in sexual realtionships' thread.

42 replies

babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:18

Nearly name changed for this as its super embarassing, but anyway.
Basically I left my abusive ex a few months ago and I guess I'm coming to terms with all that happened and is still happenning.

He was obviously abusive verbally, emotionally, financially as well as often very pysically threatening, but I never thought of him as sexually abusive at all. Even when asked this by the police I was still very much 'oh no, never' type of thing.

Anyhoo been thinking about it alot the last few days... I guess my little brain has taken along time to get around to this part..which must sound stupid, and this is exactly how it was:

He rarely initiated sex in a normal situation, it was usually me.
But whenever he was really awful and abusive and threatening to me and got me to the point where I would be really crying he would always then want sex. In fact he'd be very forceful and although I'd keep saying no and was usually still crying, he'd do it anyway :(

The only other times he was really interested was when he was trying to get me to agree to anal sex. Again he'd be very forceful (I never wanted to by the way) but he would eventually stop. But he was always going on about it and that he wanted to put a mirror infront of me to see the pain on my face. I just used to laugh this off thinking he was just joking and didn't really want that Hmm..

Perspective please as I don't really know what I think and I'm trying to compute it.
Thankyou x

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 06/10/2011 22:22

Perspective? He sexually assaulted and abused you. He used force to get what he wanted, you said no and he carried on regardless that makes it rape in my book.

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor to help you work your way through this?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 22:24

In fact he'd be very forceful and although I'd keep saying no and was usually still crying, he'd do it anyway

What you're saying is that you were raped more than once by a man who exhibited sadistic tendencies.

buzzskeleton · 06/10/2011 22:26
Sad
Petesmum · 06/10/2011 22:28

I agree with hellhasnofury, this is abusive and unacceptable behaviour. It was just another way for him to control you.
I'm sorry you've had to go though so much but you do sound strong & as though you are moving on with your life, well done!

ImperialBlether · 06/10/2011 22:29

He wanted to see the pain on your face? Oh god what a pig.

Could you go back to the police now?

KittyintheCity · 06/10/2011 22:29

I'm so glad that he is your ex. Please make sure you never let him into your life again, he sounds horrendous. I suggest you speak with a professional to see what action you can take and so that you understand how wrong his actions were. There are decent guys out there, make sure your next one is one of them!

Positivechanges · 06/10/2011 22:30

You poor darling - he sounds awful. I definitely agree with hell that it's worth getting counselling

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 22:31

I am glad he is your ex

The End

Original poster
babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:31

Thanks for replying, I know this must sound stupid.. but the last few days is the first time I've actually thought about this. I've slowly been trying to put everything else to bed and now I've started thinking of this other stuff. I'm just putting down what happened and I don't know what I think about it at the moment :(...

Sorry, I know that must sound so daft. You just don't see it though when you're on the inside if that makes sense..
x

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 22:31

Is this the man who caused you to apply for occupation and non-molestation orders? Do you have dc with him?

pictish · 06/10/2011 22:31

Dear me.
Awful. You poor woman.

You did so well to get shot.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 22:34

Oh my god that sounds awful, I really feel for you.

Original poster
babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:38

Thanks again. You've all been really lovely. I was really worried about posting as it seemed such a pointless post. Thankyou.

I'd feel stupid going back to anyone about it as they'd rightly wonder why i didn't mention it at the time. But you just block so much stuff out. In the beginning all I could really focus on was the stuff that I heard every week from him and that was only because it had been drummed into me.

Izzy yes it is and we have one DS x

OP posts:
Positivechanges · 06/10/2011 22:38

It is difficult to see it when you've lived with that for years - your sense of normality is wharped because you get used to their behaviour. It's definitely not normal and you are certainly better off without him

bonkers20 · 06/10/2011 22:38

It doesn't sound daft. We can only handle so much and when you're living it, it can be harder to see the true picture. That you are seeing it now is a good thing. You are stronger now and able to start dealing with it.

Oh and it was rape Sad

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 22:42

Of course you don't always see it when you're on the inside.

In many cases abusers are able to convince their victims that abnormal behaviour is normal.

Some abusers are charm personified in their dealings with others which makes it even harder for their victims a) to realise that they are being abused and b) fear that they will not be believed by friends/family.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 22:43

What is happening in relation to contact arrangements for ds?

nomorethefool · 06/10/2011 22:45

You poor thing. What a git. It sounds like rape and you have been ground down to accept it as normal. You are worth so much more than that. Not sure what else to say but good luck and go with the counselling to make you feel better x

StewieGriffinsMom · 06/10/2011 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:51

Yes he was charm personified to everyone else. Makes it really hard.
But since the injuction he's been pretty psycho for want of a better word and so everyone else is finally seeing thngs for what they are. The hearing for the non mol has been postponed twice and its been ordered to be a fact finding when it takes place as the outcome will also effect contact.

There was supposed to be contact in a contact center but that all got stopped because of his behaviour...

OP posts:
Original poster
babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:54

Thanks everyone. You're all making me cry..but in a good way.
Maybe I should have councelling. I've just been so focused in getting on with things and there's been so much going on.

I can't imagine ever being with anyone again (just can't help feeling that) so yes I probably do need to work through it better..

OP posts:
SlinkyB · 06/10/2011 23:31

This has made me cry - what he did to you was awful (agree it was rape). I'm so glad he is now an ex. Please do go back and tell the police, I would hope they would be sympathetic, record the information and may even sign-post you to a counselling service.

Good luck for the future .

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 00:07

oh love, sweetheart, I am so sorry.

have you thought about the Freedom Programme, or there is a new course, Toolkit or something. I forgot to ask about it. Call WA and get the local Outreach worker's number, they will tell you what services you can tap into in your area.

I think some kind of counselling may help, be it the FP or something similar.

You left him about the same time I did didn't you? feb/march ish?

I feel exactly the same WRT men. i'd beat em with a stick if they came near, and I know that's probably not healthy. This is why I literally forced myself to call WA and sob down the phone to them, and then I was able to stop procrastinating and force myself to enrol in the FP.

So far, it's OK, early days, not sure what it's going to achieve, but it has to help someway or another.

Come over on the EA support thread if we can be of any help?

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 00:08

i agree with the police actually, creating a paper trail, evidence is essential.

heleninahandcart · 07/10/2011 00:40

I remember your OP, this must be such a shock to you to realise what was actually happening at the time. It doesn't sound stupid at all, as you've already worked out when you are in an abusive situation it is very difficult to know what is normal. I also think that there is only so much anyone can take so some stuff does get blocked. For the benefit of any doubt, yes this was sexual abuse and no it was not normal.

Although this must be so painful, it is a sign you are moving forward. It would be worth going on to report this for the records as it is part of the bigger picture. You've come so far, it may take time but this will get better.

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