Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Perspectives please.. didn't want to hijack the other 'is this normal in sexual realtionships' thread.

42 replies

babyhammock · 06/10/2011 22:18

Nearly name changed for this as its super embarassing, but anyway.
Basically I left my abusive ex a few months ago and I guess I'm coming to terms with all that happened and is still happenning.

He was obviously abusive verbally, emotionally, financially as well as often very pysically threatening, but I never thought of him as sexually abusive at all. Even when asked this by the police I was still very much 'oh no, never' type of thing.

Anyhoo been thinking about it alot the last few days... I guess my little brain has taken along time to get around to this part..which must sound stupid, and this is exactly how it was:

He rarely initiated sex in a normal situation, it was usually me.
But whenever he was really awful and abusive and threatening to me and got me to the point where I would be really crying he would always then want sex. In fact he'd be very forceful and although I'd keep saying no and was usually still crying, he'd do it anyway :(

The only other times he was really interested was when he was trying to get me to agree to anal sex. Again he'd be very forceful (I never wanted to by the way) but he would eventually stop. But he was always going on about it and that he wanted to put a mirror infront of me to see the pain on my face. I just used to laugh this off thinking he was just joking and didn't really want that ..

Perspective please as I don't really know what I think and I'm trying to compute it.
Thankyou x

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 07/10/2011 01:01

You have been raped so many times that it became normalised to you

The sadistic bastard was abusive in so many ways that your brain has compartmentalised to allow you to deal with things on a practical level. You are now rid of him, your brain is allowing you to process other things that happened but you couldn't deal with before. This is normal, an excellent coping strategy without which you would be a wreck.

You will need counselling, the whole thing will have been so traumatic and will have changed your perspective on so many things.

You must at least think about reporting this to the police. Do you want to make sure that no-one else has to suffer the way you have? Report him.

I'm so sorry, I really want to give you a big hug and a cup of tea. I hope you're OK. :)

Original poster

babyhammock · 07/10/2011 08:06

I've keep re-reading all your posts. Thanks so much to everyone.
I left him at the end of April and I did look into doing the freedom programme. Found one not that far and wrote the number down, but never actually called.

As for reporting it, I'm worried I'll just be wasting their time... but I'll think some more on it.

Thankyou! x

OP posts:

gapants · 07/10/2011 08:15

Have you got a good friend that you can talk to about this in RL? Or pehaps approach your GP as a starting point?

Women's Aid will help you figure out how you can approach the police.

You are out of that situation now. Re-build your life. He is scum.

ninjasquirrel · 07/10/2011 08:22

Wasting their time? That's what you do if a crime has been committed - you report it to the police. And you know really that repeated rape is one of the most serious and despicable crimes, it's just that your coping strategy, as LoopyLoops said, has blocked it out. I hope you get help soon.

beakinthebeeswax · 07/10/2011 08:25

What a disgusting example of a man, he actually sounds really weird. You did well to get the hell out of there.

How long before he tries this sexual abuse with someone else and it gets even worse? He is sexually violent.

You have been very brave to tell about this.

((((hugs))))

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2011 08:39

Look at it this way, hon: you need to get it on record so the court know exactly what kind of vicious evil sod wants contact with your precious children. How can that possibly be a waste of time?

bellsring · 07/10/2011 09:07

Just wanted to say,OP,sorry you're going through this.The full extent and the details of these experiences hit you,I think,when you have been out of the environment of the situation.

Rape Crisis - tel.no. 0808 802 9999
12pm to 2.30 pm and 7pm to 9.30 pm

Original poster

babyhammock · 07/10/2011 09:28

I have a really good friend who knows alot of the other stuff that what went on, but I've not told anyone this. I just feel partly ashamed and partly that I'd be making a big deal about nothing.

But you're all helping me to see that it wasn't nothing. Thankyou. They just makle everything seem so normal don't they :(
Thanks for the number too. I will try and phone it later. Just don't want to start crying on the phone to anyone, which I think I will xx

OP posts:

bellsring · 07/10/2011 09:54

It doesn't matter if you cry on the phone, OP.

AnyF · 07/10/2011 10:42

babyh, many of these helplines report that many of their calls are from people who then spend virtually all the call simply crying and getting it off their chest

they are used it, they know how to deal with it

make those calls x

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/10/2011 10:52

I would agree with those who say you should report this when you are ready. Putting experiences like this on record should help you in any court hearings etc. Its about time he paid for all of his vile behaviour and hopefully by reporting these rapes it will help in maintaining orders against him for as long as possible.

wamster · 07/10/2011 17:39

Your thread is different to the other thread because the man in the other thread nagged the opening poster for sex but didn't (afaik) force sex upon the opening poster.
This man forced himself upon you- that really is rape. Rape in anybody's book. Take the good advice of other posters here and get help.

hairylights · 07/10/2011 18:15

So sorry for what youve been through. I really relate to having got out and realised the true nature of things much later.

He raped you. You said no but he did it anyway. That's rape.

togetherwehaveitall · 07/10/2011 18:21

As a DV professional I would be concerned about the fact that physical abuse turned him on. Are you able to get any support as you go through all of this? xx

Original poster

babyhammock · 07/10/2011 20:03

Thanks again.
I think it was seeing me really upset/scared that turned him on. It was the only time he was interested..again confusing .

That said he was always accusing me of starving him of sex (another reason to be angry with me) and that he couldn't initiate things when we slept together because I wore pyjama bottoms in bed and it put him off...

Oh and if I wasn't initiating sex with him (which I stopped wanting to do ages ago and he'd make me work pretty hard when I did if that makes sense) it was because I was having sex with other men.

Sorry tmi :(

I am going to talk to someone about it and see what happens. There's just been so much going on since I left. He's made it a complete nightmare. Its only since things have started to ease off in terms of things I have to do that I've started thinking about this other stuff..

OP posts:

beakinthebeeswax · 07/10/2011 20:06

I know how hard it is to mentally pick through stuff, I hear what you say "Ive started thinking about other stuff" you will get there in the end. This man has SERIOUS issues.

Original poster

babyhammock · 07/10/2011 20:24

Thanks beewax.
I know he has huge issues because of all other stuff but yes this too I guess.

Writing it all down, as embarassing as it is, is really helping, but not as much as everyones thoughts on it. Its been a total jumbled mess in my head the last few days that was just starting to unfold.
Thankyou thankyou

OP posts:

Flip

1 2